11 May 2010

Dr. Holland Kemble's Opus

Last night's Gossip Girl paved the way for next week's season finale...unless, of course, this week was the season finale? I was confused until next week's promo came on at the end of the episode. And so we won't leave the UES gang in the midst of crumbling marriages and Chuck ultimatums, after all - we'll get to watch the marriages fall all the way apart and Chuck will hop in a helicopter back to Thailand before anyone gets to profess love for anything. Gossip Girl finales, we know you through and through!

Here are a few things I noticed during last night's episode:
  • Blair tells Serena that she's never been on a date before, even while in relationships with Nate Archibald and Chuck Bass. Then she mentions Louboutins for the twelfth time this season. Is Blair getting dumber, or was she always this into Louboutins? (a) Of course Blair has been on dates, especially with these boyfriends. She's the exact opposite of the Danessa Stay-In Date Classic - she only ever goes out on very expensive, very special dates. And (b) now she's making up for referring to her shoes as "Christian Louboutins" earlier this season by showing how many times she can just refer to them by their more recognizable surname. Blair needs to spend a good long summer reading books again.
  • Tough-Dad Rufus takes away Jenny's phone when he catches her using it during her 100-month grounding. LIKE SHE CAN'T SKYPE!
  • Dan starts talking in third-person to help out with his dad and sister's fight. Where would the Humphreys be without Dan? Probably doing pretty well on the UES with a lot of money.
  • When Lily's sick, she wears a bulky gray wrap sweater with a necklace that literally looks like a crown.
"Please excuse me while I take this very expensive pill."
  • A multi-family confrontation at Serena's apartment culminates in deciding they need to get downstairs neighbor Holland up there. Then in the next cut they've gotten her up there, but everyone is standing in the exact same places as before. What is going on in this apartment? Was that a jump cut?
"We should invite her up here."

"You rang?"
  • And then Nate just glides in silently through the eternally unlocked front door. They really need to talk to the front desk guys about calling up.
  • Is Serena packing a suitcase? Is she packing bolts of fabric? Oh, they're Jenny's? Whatever's going on in that brain, Serena's got no time to logic through what should go in this suitcase that she's for some reason packing up. She's too busy assigning people to "sides" based on how much they ask her to think something through.
  • Why on earth are Chuck and Jenny (a) working together and (b) asking Blair to help their junior detective agency Medication Mystery? No, no, no. None of this is adding up.
  • Eric and Lily take a very long stroll down the street, and they're the oldest, grandest queens on Park Ave.
"These lattes are so delicious because they remind me of all my money."
  • Blair's date at one point says "Show me your world, Blair Waldorf." Bad news, Blair: you're not on a date this time, either. I think you're on a marriage proposal with a crazy person.
  • I need to go back and check this quote, but someone at some point says, "Come on, Jenny, the future of __ depends on your sleuthing!" Huh? Did Chuck say that? No, couldn't be. Was it about Rufus and Lily's marriage? No, I don't think that's possible. No, neither of those could be right.
  • Blair and Chuck get back together temporarily to bamboozle Dr. Holland Kemble, Couples Therapist/Huge Liar. They immediately turn on the old Jewish couple act, and it works like a charm. Also, it comes out that Chuck knows about Blair's Uncle Jack indiscretion! Now we know!
  • I've got to try to get in a picture of the Teen Detective Agency in the back of Chuck's limo. They're way too cute.
(Chuck and Nate are smushed into a seat next to Dan.)
  • Serena gets rudely slapped into adulthood when she realizes her dad skipped town as bittersweet Pete & Pete-style music plays in the background. It's really nice to think that Serena might actually be learning some big life lessons, until...
  • she shows up in a parking lot wearing a trench coat and fedora "to get the truth out of her dad." So really, she hasn't learned anything at all. And in fact, maybe she forgot some stuff, too.
  • Rufus and Eric consecutively say bitchy things to Jenny, and it reminds me of a real family with teenagers. But then I look at Jenny's terrible cleavage and rhinestone jewelry and I shudder to think of other real families with teenagers.
Jenny, I have had it! This is just obscene.
  • Suddenly Chuck tells Blair that she's got until tomorrow to decide if she's still in love with him..."or he's closing his heart to her forever." This is the most pathetic thing Chuck Bass has ever said in the history of the show. It's neither fiendish nor clever. It's only sad. My guess is that the writers aren't trying to make Chuck this desperate - they're just trying to set up a Chuck/Blair rendezvous for the finale to revolve around. Perhaps it would've been more seamless if Chuck were embarking on his 19th century steam-ship, and Blair had to decide whether she should spend the summer re-enacting famous naval battles throughout history with him or galavanting through Europe with Serena.
  • Either way, please let this chunky necklace motif end.

I'm very tired, and I was very tired when I watched last night, and I wonder if that's why so little of the episode made sense. My memories are a blurry loop of Rufus giving nasty looks to his grumpy, terrible daughter. I really hope something NUTS happens to Jenny next week. And what was this business with Nate silently and seriously looking into the room that Jenny went into at the end of the episode? Yuck!!! No!!!!!!!!!!!!

Predictions for the season finale:
  • Chuck will continue to be very serious about his ultimatum. After spending the morning deciding not to meet him, Blair will arrive one minute after his helicopter has taken off. Boo hoo, another lonely-shopping summer for Blair, another Thai bender for Chuck. Boo hoo I want your problems boo hoo!
  • Rufus and Lily will whatever. Who cares!!
  • Danessa ditto!
  • Serena and Nate will GET MARRIED!!!!! Or maybe at least someone could get pregnant, for Pete's sake. It's not like Serena's necessarily smart enough to be able to handle her own birth control regimen. She really, really should have had at least one scare by now.
  • Jenny will DIE! You heard it here first, folks. I think she's going to roll her eyes SO far back into her head that she starts falling backwards over a bridge that her mad-cap druggie friends have taken her to. Then she slowly falls backwards off the bridge, her black lace gown flowing beautifully for a minute in the wind. Then when she lands on the ground, almost dead, she rolls her eyes some more and her cleavage is gross and miserable, and all of her 16 years flash before her eyes as she utters her last word: "Overrated."
  • Dorota will have that baby! But don't worry, the baby won't inherit Jenny's soul. Gossip Girl doesn't work that way.
  • Blair will be revealed as Gossip Girl because she is a diabolical genius and it was always very clear that she was in control of the whole thing from the very start. And it will turn out that she was always pushing Chuck through a loopy, tricky labyrinth towards marriage, and through him she'll get tons of money and hotels, and then she'll be free to start her real life as a Yale student, finally, who cares about admissions or transfer policies! Blair's going to Yale!!!

No comments:

Post a Comment