31 December 2010

The Cupcaker Awards Are Here!!

Welcome to the most prestigious awards reception of the year, "The Best 'Best Of 2010' List of 2010!" In honor of James Franco's co-hosting gig at the upcoming Oscars, my spirit animal (James Franco) will be presenting this year's awards:

JAMES FRANCO: Hi, it's me James Franco, and welcome to Becklectic's Best of 2010 List. My innate grace and zest for knowledge have made me a shoo-in for this first category-

Best Spirit Animal of 2010: I can't...I can't believe it! It's me, James Franco! Thank you so much. Now that I'm up on stage and can make my thank yous, I want to do a little joke - What's the sound of one arm clapping? Haha, because of 127 Hours and also because of philosophy, which may be something I'm getting a master's in right now. I can't say for sure. Thanks and let's get onto the next category.

Best Car of 2010: Born in 1996 and still purring like a 14 year old kitten, Gabe Kotter the Camry wins again. Lately he's getting to know a new trickle charger. Gabe, you old tech nerd!

Best New Blog of 2010: Although I, James Franco, don't have a celebrity lookalike yet, I am presenting this award to Becky's newest endeavor, Celebrities That Look Alike. The girl from Modern Family and Mila Kunis? Wow, truly a great call.

Best Zombies of 2010: In spirit [animal], Becky & I watched 6 episodes of the newest, awesomest zombie show on tv: The Walking Dead. Based on an extended graphic novel series by Robert Kirkman, the tale of Zombiepocalyptic survival is both scary and addictive...just like ___'s personality.

(ring ring)

JAMES FRANCO: Wait a sec- my phone. (picks up) Hello?

FAT CATS AT CORPORATE: Yes, James Franco please.

JF: This is he.

FCAC: Ah yes, James. Would you like to tell us what that blank joke is supposed to be about?

JF: Blank joke? Oh, you mean the insert-your-own thing at the end of the Walking Dead award?

FCAC: Affirmative.

JF: What about it?

FCAC: If you value your livelihood, you will turn in your jokes in a 100% complete format. We can't expect these people to come up with their own punchlines. It's New Year's Eve, for Christ's sake! They're already drunk!

JF: But it's only 10 til noon, not that I'm judging.

FCAC: Give it a rest Franco! Fill in the blank and then give it a rest!

JF: Ok...how about...well, let's see. Who has an addictive and scary personality? Lindsay Lohan? I wouldn't say that's scary. Gaga? I could see her scaring people into becoming addicted to her, but that's not really right.

FCAC: You've got ten seconds before this whole place gets blown to smithereens. Decide!

JF: Ok, just wait a second! Teen moms? The Tea Party? Natalie Portman? Why haven't I seen Black Swan yet?!

FCAC: Five...four...three...


FCAC: (long beat) Approved. (click)

JF: Which brings us to-

Best Heinously Miserable Surprise Celebrity Meltdown of 2010: One day Becky plans to read transcripts of Mel Gibson's marital rants to her babies to help them fall into deep, misogynist slumber.

Best Article Readership of 2010: This celebrity breakup post garnered 7800 page views in the half-month it's been around. Congratulations for unlocking the formula, Beck! And sorry to all the famous people whose personal romantic failures are the nourishment upon which we survive.

Best Dream Job of 2010: To write for Sesame Street.

Best-Used Present of 2010: An ice cream maker from Matt (technically from Chanukkah '09), which has so far helped create:
Strawberry Ice Cream
Eggnog Ice Cream
Cinnamon Basil Ice Cream
Sanka Ice Cream
Dutch Chocolate Ice Cream
Basil Gelato
Pistachio Ice Cream

Best Jersey Shore of 2010: If memory serves, all Jersey Shore that has ever taken place has been within 2010. Oh, nope - preliminary research into Wikipedia shows that the first season premiered on Dec. 3, 2009. This doesn't really matter because it's all swirling into the same toilet drain: ALL of The Jersey Shore was the best of 2010. And I can't wait for season 3, which premieres in something like ONE MERE WEEK.

A humble suggestion: clearly it would be a tall order to change the name of the show, but maybe it's possible to call it "Jersey Malapropisms" one or two times? No one would notice the graphic. For instance, when Sammi wants to beat up a girl, she says "Like when I left Karma, I didn’t even know what was going on in my head, like I’m gonna fucking knock a bitch up." Aw! That's about as cute as Amelia Bedelia at her most confused.

Best Roommates of 2010: My roommates!

Best New Twitter of 2010: A tie between my roommates' new twitter (@TheModelHome) and Matt's cool new account (@YonesSays). Congratulations, short and to-the-point wit!

(ring ring)

JAMES FRANCO: God damn it, just a second. (answers phone) What is it?

FAT CATS AT CORPORATE: Is it you talking now, or is it Becky?

JF: James Franco, obviously. Do you mind? This award show is prestigious-

FCAC: Just wanted to double check. Your roommates, they're cool?

JF: What? I don't have any roommates. I'm a rich actor.

FCAC: Oh really. Then whose roommates won the Best Roommates of 2010 award?

JF: Becky's!

FCAC: But it's all in first person, and you're the host.

JF: People will get it.

FCAC: 100% complete, Franco...100%.

JF: I'll give you 100%!

FCAC: That's the right attitude. Carry on (click).

BECKY (OS): James?

JF: Becky? Is that you? Where are you? I can't see you!

B (OS): I'm but a disembodied voice here, James. I'm here to help you.

JF: Help me? But I'm your spirit animal. Shouldn't I be the one helping you?

B (OS): Oh, pish tosh.

JF: It's these fat cats, they're such sticklers.

B (OS): Maybe they're baiting you.

JF: That's not it. It's their greed. Their corporate greed.

B (OS): Come now James. Think. Why would the fat cats at corporate bother you like this?

JF: (thinking very hard, then getting it) (simultaneous with Becky's disembodied voice) BECAUSE EVERYONE WANTS A PIECE OF JAMES FRANCO!

B (OS): Bam!

JF: You are the best, Becky.

B (OS): No James, you are.

Best Spirit Animal/Blogger Pairing of 2010: James Franco & Becklectic. THIS is why it mattered so much that I find a spirit animal. And THIS is why Becklectic Takes Manhattan has this year's Best "Best of 2010" List of 2010!


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