This Just In: I Don't Hate Super Fun Night!

When the new tv season was starting, I decided to skip Super Fun Night until someone (anyone) told me they liked it and I should try it. That happened yesterday, and I watched it, and then I also watched the rest of the episodes available on hulu. Guess what, guys! I don't hate it!

GREAT SCOTT: TV IS BACK!

Gang, as you all know, it's fall again - and that means I've awakened from a real "wipeout" summer hibernation! Wipeout is a show that airs on ABC during the summer.

Although certain wonderful tv shows have come and gone during my break (looking at you, Princesses of Long Island), it's not the end. No, my friends, we're nowhere near. There's so much great tv coming our way this fall, and it's my job to LIST IT!

TV THAT I AM EXCITED FOR, FALL 2013 EDITION:

1. The Michael J. Fox Show, Thursday 9/26 9pm NBC (sorry, Robin Williams*)
This is going to be amazing. Charles Grodin and Candice Bergen are playing Michael J. Fox's parents. Michael J. Fox is playing Michael J. Fox's semi-autobiographical self. FOR GOD'S SAKE MICHAEL J. FOX IS BACK ON TELEVISION RAISE UP YOUR HANDS AMERICA!!!

You Don't Own Me PSA

"You Don't Own Me" PSA from You Don't Own Me on Vimeo.

This has been making the internet rounds, so there's a great chance you've already seen it. If you haven't seen it yet, here you go. Lesley Gore is wonderful, women are wonderful, and policies that support women are not only wonderful but oddly somehow not already a necessity in this, my favorite country.

Here's the text that goes with the video on Vimeo's site:

Women constitute more than half of the population. In 2008, 60% of voters were women. It is estimated that 10 million more women than men will vote in this election. Despite this, women make up only 16% of Congress. Women earn only 70 cents to each dollar men make. Women of color and undocumented women make less than white citizens. Mitt Romney and the Republican Party are determined to overturn Roe V. Wade. Romney has not supported equal pay for women (The Lily Ledbetter Fair Pay Act). Romney has vowed to defund Planned Parenthood. Romney has vowed to repeal the Affordable Care Act. Romney doesn't want health care to cover birth control. Romney says same sex marriage should be banned with a Constitutional Amendment.

Women, let's rise up. Our vote alone can win this election. A vote for Obama is a vote for your health and your right to choose. It is a vote for equal pay and equal rights. A vote for Obama is a vote for our families. It is a vote to marry who you choose. It's a vote to start a family when you choose. A vote for Obama says that we won't stand for violence against women and that rape is rape. Our vote ensures that our daughters will grow up with the same rights that we've had. A vote for Obama sends a message: This war on women must end. We will not go backwards.

This election is shockingly close. Our safety is at stake. Our silence is consent and our vote is our voice. Let’s get active. Let’s get out every vote we can. Let’s make this election a mandate. A mandate to finally ensure women the respect, dignity and equality we all deserve! This is now. This is our call to action. Once and for all, let's take back the power that is so inherently and naturally ours!

Do Watch The Bitch In Apartment 23

Last night I watched the first two episodes of Don't Trust the B- in Apartment 23, and I plan on watching a lot more of the series for the following reasons:

1) I never want to stop watching Krysten Ritter ever in my life. From the instant I saw her on Gilmore Girls playing Rory's first-ever friend (somehow? what about Lane?), I had to know who she was and what else she was in. Why do I like watching her so much? I don't know, just because she's great I guess. Plus she looks interesting and has good timing.

2) James Van Der Beek does a great James Van Der Beek. It's like he took his role in Rules of Attraction really, really seriously and then ran full-speed with it for the next 10 years. It also couches the characters in a fairly precise subgeneration, of which I'm automatically a member. Becky!

3) The plots of the first two episodes are full of information and action, yet they don't come off as too much to work with. All the cutaways of Chloe's (Krysten Ritter) misbehavior do triple-duty: they introduce us to new characters and facts about the apartment, they foreshadow what's likely to happen to new roommate June (Dreama Walker), and they take Chloe's foregone evilness to its comedic extremes. Economic storytelling, I love you!

4) The first Jimmy Olsen from Lois & Clark is in episode 2. Hubba hubba!!!!!!!!!

5) I'm a little worried that not enough people will watch the show, so it could certainly use the ratings. Wednesdays at 9:30 on abc!

Alright, abc, I did it. Please, please just give me my son back.

JK! Oh, speculative endorsements!


(photos are linked to sources)

Gangway For Usage Mondays!

Thanks to Tracy Morgan and the rest of the Word Guys over at 30 Rock, "nonplussed" had the night of its life last Thursday. Living it up Hollywood style, just the way it is, in all its natural & definition-based glory. Looks like our ship has finally come in, nonplussed!!!!!!!!!! HONNNNNK HONNNNNK!

Since it is now perfectly clear that my blog has the power TO CHANGE THE VERY GRAMMATICAL TEMPERATURE OF TELEVISION, I realize I have no choice. The people have spoken, and the people want usage errors! Introducing

To kick things off (and to keep me modest), I'm taking a long, hard look at "highfalutin."

"Highfalutin" describes someone who is putting on airs, or otherwise acting extremely self-important and proper (e.g. this blog post). In The American Language, H.L. Mencken states that the word was coined in an 1840s political speech and was but one of several words invented during the early 19th century. Since there is no distinct definition of "faluting" (and we're never "low-faluting" or "mid-faluting"), we are left to assume that it's one of those funny American made-up orphan words, and we are obliged to treat it as it is and not how we believe it should be. 

Verdict:
According to the 2000 edition The Oxford Usage Dictionary by Bryan Garner, "highfalutin" IS a word whereas "highfaluting" is NOT SO MUCH. And furthermore:

"The best course is to do two things: spell the word highfalutin, and avoid being what it denotes."

YA JUST GOT GARNER'D.

Field Trip Bus Rides Of Yore: Shelley Duvall's Tall Tales & Legends

Every so often I use Shelley Duvall's Tall Tales & Legends in conversation, and to this day, very few people have ever known what I'm talking about:

Me: Oh man, you know what I'd love to watch right now? One of those Shelley Duvall videos with Calamity Jane or Annie Oakley.
Person I'm Talking To: ...The Shining?
Me: No no, those ones where she'd flop down into a huge easy chair on this saloon soundstage. And she'd tell a story from the Old West.
Person: ...Kubrick?
Me: No, we'd watch these ones on the longer bus rides to field trips back in elementary school. They were on VHS.
Person: Wow, that's really cool of your teachers. They would've never shown us Kubrick.
Me: Clearly, this needs blogging about.
fin

Although there is very little information about this series on the internet, I have managed to dig most of it up. Shelley Duvall's Tall Tales & Legends ran from 1985-1987 on Showtime. She created and produced it, which automatically increases my respect for Shelley freaking Duvall by about 100%. This series was my first introduction to many American tall tales, which then must have fermented into some sort of interest in American Studies, which then must have been why I majored in it. Oops, I majored in Shelley Duvall. Too late now!

Here are the tales covered by the series:

1. Annie Oakley
2. Casey at the Bat
3. Darlin' Clementine
4. Davy Crockett
5. John Henry
6. Johnny Appleseed
7. The Legend of Sleepy Hollow
8. Pecos Bill
9. Ponce de Leon

And here are the actors who play them:

1. Annie Oakley: Jamie Lee Curtis
2. Buffalo Bill Cody: Brian Dennehy
3. Casey (at the bat): Elliott Gould
4. Casey's girlfriend: Carol Kane
5. Clementine: Shelley Duvall, herself
6. Clementine's father: Ed Asner
7. Misc. Characters: Michael McKean
8. John Henry: Danny Glover
9. Johnny Appleseed: Martin Short
10. Jenny Smith: Molly Ringwald
11. Ichabod Crane: Ed Begley, Jr.
12. Katrina Van Tassel: Beverly D'Angelo
13. Pecos Bill: Steve Guttenberg
14. Slew Foot Sue: Rebecca De Mornay
15. Side characters: Martin Mull & Megan Mullaly (!!!!!!!1987MeganMullaly???!!!!!!)
16. Ponce de Leon: Michael York

Please awaken this part of your memory so we can TALK ALL ABOUT IT!

Additionally, I have just purchased the complete series on dvd from Amazon. Let me know when you're free and we'll watch it.

all photos courtesy TallTalesAndLegends.com

My Thoughts On "Happily Divorced"

photo courtesy of tvland

Fran Drescher and Peter Marc Jacobs's new show, Happily Divorced, premiered last night on tvland. I watched it tonight after getting home from Super 8. Boy was it weird when Fran started throwing train cars around. I still don't understand why the Air Force even had her!

The main thrust of the pilot is Fran repeating "You're/my husband's gay! Insert anticlimactic punchline." Two acts end on that exact line ("You're gay! Go to the YMCA!" and "My husband's gay! And I think I just killed my date!") and I'm not exactly complaining. Sometimes you have to let the artists that you love work things out for themselves for as long as it takes, and you have to sit there and watch because that's your job. This all happened to her in real life, remember, along with too many other personal tragedies - she's bound to overdo the MY HUSBAND IS GAY!!!!!!!! GAY! GAY! GAYYYY!!!! stuff at least a little at the outset of the show.

John Michael Higgins is excellent at everything he does. This show stands a 1000% better chance of surviving because of him. Cesar the delivery guy is only ok so far, so I'm really hoping he pulls through and gets hilarious fast. Fran's mother Dori, while no Sylvia Fine, gives me the same kind of feeling Grandma Yetta used to give me - like, here's this little woman with her head screwed on sideways. What on earth is she gonna say next?!?!!!!! And wow, I just looked her up and it turns out that she is in fact RITA MORENO.

photo courtesy of tvland

But the most important part of Happily Divorced is obviously Fran Drescher herself, the perpetually self-titled heroine, the best side-eye giver in all of West Hollywood. Although she starts out decidedly sleepy-looking and tired-voiced, she steadily livens up throughout the episode until she suddenly becomes just like Fran Fine again, the eternal 29-year-old. Is it like watching a phoenix rise from its ashes? I couldn't tell you; I haven't seen that. But whatever it is Fran's doing, whether it looks like some dumb Phoenix or whatever it looks like, I will be there watching it.

My favorite parts of Happily Divorced:

• John Michael Higgins/'s eye color enhancers
• Rita Moreno's hair
• "Fran, you haven't been on a date for a long time. Do you have protection?" "Wait, let me see. Yes, I got my Rolaids!" (or something like that)
• presence of a snooty French waiter (classic)
• the idea that this show can make an audience suspend their disbelief enough to think that a gay man would be married to a woman for that long - looks like I can still write I Do...Men! after all.

Baby Names That Were More Popular Than Mine Last Year

According to a recent list from the Social Security Administration, only 2250 American girls were given the name "Rebecca" last year, which makes sense because of Stephenie Meyer's unfortunate last-minute decision to name her heroine "Bella" instead of "Tha Bexter." But what doesn't make sense is how the following names ever trumped "Rebecca" in a popularity race:

• Serenity
• Genesis
• Autumn
• Rylee
• Trinity
• Destiny
• Makayla
• Nevaeh
• London
• Brooklyn
• Sydney
• Khloe
• Reagan
• Kennedy
• Addison (a boy's name!!!!!! I know because I know one person named this and he's a boy!!!)
• and last but not least, Sophia - aka Estelle Getty's character on Golden Girls.

Young moms of 2010, you are weird.

I, on the other hand, shall be one of the maybe-in-another-decade moms, and my children shall go by Titian, Donatello, and Galileo. Hahahahahahah oh man, their nicknames! I just saw that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! hahahahahahah

Celebrities You Didn't Know Were Married

Surprising celebrity marriages: you may already know about a few of them, you may not care about them, or you may not have even realized they could get married like everyone else. Luckily for us, legislation was passed in 1987 allowing Bruce Willis to marry Demi Moore. And thus, a thousand celebrities ran out and married a thousand other celebrities, and soon their babies will be of age to take control of the planet. And I, for one, welcome our new celebaby overlords!

CELEBRITIES YOU DIDN'T KNOW WERE MARRIED!

Anna Faris & Chris Pratt

I found out about this union a few weeks ago in a NYmag interview with Pratt. Who knew either one was married at all? Who knew two perfectly goofy blondes could find each other? Who knew there was any hope left in this cold, hard world?!

Christina Hendricks & Geoffrey Arend (a.k.a. The Snozzberries Guy)

Top Chef Masters alerted me to this couple's existence. We all knew Joan Holloway was married to some guy in real life, but we didn't realize it was "the snozzberries taste like snozzberries!" guy from Super Troopers. I love the idea that Christina Hendricks looks into this face every morning and every night and sighs at how handsome she finds him. He's like one of 10,000 possible anti-Roger Sterlings.

Zooey Deschanel & Ben Gibbard

Ben Gibbard cornered the indie music scene for a substantial amount of time, and Zooey Deschanel cornered the cute-marrying-actress scene for just as long. So they got married!!!!!!!!!! 

The Main Characters from Step Up

Channing Tatum and Jenna Dewan: Stepping Up...to the ALTAR?! That would have been a good tabloid headline.

Nick Offerman & Megan Mullally

I often wonder if these two were married during Will & Grace. Did Nick ever get tired of the cast's razzle-dazzle antics? Does Megan keep him stocked knee-deep in I Can't Believe It's Not Butter? And when is the next time she's guest starring on Parks & Rec? Probably they need to let that storyline air out for a bit.

PT Anderson & Maya Rudolph

This is another couple for whom I have infinity questions. Where did they meet? Are any of PT's characters influenced by Maya? Does PT ever laugh? Is Maya really serious now? When they have conversations, do they last at least 3.5 hours?


Bridget Fonda & Danny Elfman

Danny Elfman is a musical genius who composed several of the scores we hear everyday on tv and in movies. Bridget Fonda must have gone up to him and been like "Hey, ever heard of me? Because I've heard of you. Let's do this. Here are the rings, I already got them."

Jay Mohr & Nikki Cox

Do you remember an old WB show called Unhappily Ever After? Since it aired from the time I was 10 to the time I was 14 and since Bobcat Goldthwait provided the voice of Mr. Floppy, the bunny doll, I OBVIOUSLY DO. Do you remember that the guy from Entourage and the older brother from Malcolm in the Middle were on the show as Nikki Cox's brothers? That's really what I'm getting at: do you remember Nikki Cox? Jay Mohr did, and that's why he recreated the entire plot of Picture Perfect in order to woo and propose to her. And it worked!

Emily Mortimer & Alessandro Nivola

Emily Mortimer played a woman with bird bones in 30 Rock, and Alessandro Nivola played a man with a wacky family in Junebug. Now they are married to junebugs and living by a rock together with 30 birds and bone-families.

Kristen Bell & Dax Shepard (indefinitely engaged)

I feel like someone tells me these two are dating like, every six weeks. And I always forget. Although Dax and Kristen are not yet married, they are solidly engaged, and I think that makes them perfect for this list. WHO KNEW?!?!

Lara Stone & David Walliams

Something amazing happened. Half of the hilarious duo Little Britain met the most famous model in the world, and they hit it off. If I had realized at the time that they were getting married, I would have written a zombie story about that wedding. AKA a huge deal!!

And finally,

John Lutz & Sue Galloway

John Lutz, I'll love you 'til the day I die, but for now, may you be happy in your comedic union of souls.

Women Aren't [Supposed To Be] Funny

I just read an article about this Oprah clip on NYmag. At first glance at the article title ("Jane Curtin Says John Belushi Was a Total Sexist"), I was like "Well DUHHHHHHH!" But that's when the "women aren't funny" idea started dancing in my brain, and now I can't get it to stop. I should point out that I've only been able to load about ten seconds of the clip so far, so I've only watched Chevy Chase bring up sketches about "women's issues." I'm excited to see the rest, but I can only really speak to the first few seconds of the video. Don't worry, it's more than enough.

It's no secret that the early years of SNL provided an uncomfortable atmosphere for women. Chase, Belushi, and Lorne Michaels were infamous rumored misogynists, maybe not in a universal sense but certainly within the realm of comedy. I still haven't read all of Shales and Miller's Live from New York (a supercomprehensive oral history of SNL), but I've read bits and pieces and they generally support this depiction of women - that they weren't particularly funny. 

fig. 1

Before I even get to my own point, I've already gotten stuck in this logic. The early women of SNL ran the gamut of funny in my opinion (with Gilda as emperor and Laraine as fence post), but I'd have to say that none of them was a big-time sex symbol. I mean, Jane Curtin was pretty, but she definitely wasn't sexy, and neither were any of the other original girls. So it's clear to me that they didn't book this gig by being sexpots (see fig. 1). 

But why else would they have been cast in a comedy show? Because someone in charge of the show, like Lorne Michaels, considered them funny? But that's the opposite of what I thought he thought! Potential solution: I was wrong about Lorne Michaels, and his extant working relationship with Tina Fey proves me wrong further. Regardless, at least SOMEBODY thought these women were funny. Because they sure weren't boner material in a strictly visual sense, yet they still made it on the air.

I digress. My own point has more to do with John Belushi and where he must have been coming from when he said "women are just fundamentally not funny" (according to Jane Curtin). One of the most significant differences I can see between 1975 and now is how women are perceived by society at large. In '75 there was still a lot of Housewife vs. Whore duality, and it just wasn't widely accepted yet that women were, in fact, thinking human beings just like men. I was lucky to grow up during a time when people (for the most part (but then again, I wasn't hanging out with anyone from SNL during the late 80s)) accepted that basic fact. I had some gender-specific toys, but I was never made to feel like I would get stuck forever in some repressed feminine role. I was told that I was just as good as boys at whatever I set my mind to and that I could have whatever kind of job I wanted, and of course all of this led to some serious shock when I graduated college, but that's not the point. My point is that what sets modern women apart from women forty years ago is the public's perception of them and what they should be focused on. "Fundamentally," they weren't supposed to be funny.

So in 1975 John Belushi was hanging out on set, believing all women were about as funny as his mother (who was probably actually pretty funny), pooh-poohing sketches by female writers because, as Chevy puts it on Oprah, their bits were largely about "women's issues." First of all, "women's issues" already sound like a comedy GOLDMINE to me. What on earth were those sketches about, surprisingly heavy periods and how to be jealous of your friends? But everyone knows periods are! not! funny!!! And John Belushi and Chevy Chase did NOT want to hear about them! Secondly, here's something that actually isn't funny: "I'm a zit, get it?"

I happen to really like (the funny parts of) Animal House, but I have to tell you, I've been trying for 25 years and I still don't think John Belushi playing a human zit is all that funny. I want to, but I just can't. This is only a guess, but maybe the intrinsic joke is waiting for the debutante across the table to get grossed out? Because it's funny to gross out girls? I'm still trying to figure it out. But I think the human zit quandary illustrates a big facet of his mindset: Belushi, undeniably loveable despite his reputed personal opinions, clung to the tenets of perceived gender roles in order to play Bluto. What's more guyish than a fatass alcoholic? And what's more funny than a fatass alcoholic with great comic timing and a rubber face? It's like Belushi's Law of Comedy = the natural schlubbiness of his gender + exaggeration + tons of booze.

That's my explanation for Belushi's opinion. In his mind, it might have been a "girls play girly girls, guys play guys' guys, and never the twain shall meet" situation. Obviously this is only a rudimentary idea based on my limited knowledge of what was really going on back then, but I'm really trying to get to the bottom of this idea about women not being funny. It seems to me that women weren't SUPPOSED to be funny. That just wasn't the role they were there to fill.

There are a million reasons to love Tina Fey, but I think my favorite thing about her is that she's just "a comedian." No qualifiers, no distinctions. She's obviously a woman (and an attractive one at that, and that's a whole other situation), yet she's more than capable of doing comedy as "one of the guys." The fact that she's not choosing, that's she's simply a hilarious person, is a great sign. She may not have been the first woman to realize that she could be funny without checking in with her femininity, but she's one of the first to be praised for it this publicly. Hopefully, more of that will lead to more little girls realizing that they can make jokes about whatever they want when they grow up - including periods.

And frankly, I think that if I could reanimate John Belushi just for a day (and if his zombie self were even capable of laughter), I could make him laugh at women's issues. That shit writes itself.

I'm Just Here To Say I Love Bob's Burgers

N E body wit me?

photo courtesy FOX.com

Bob's Burgers, Loren Bouchard's latest gem, follows Home Movies and Dr. Katz in the Bouchard Arsenal of Greatness. I remember when I first heard about it, I got so excited that I wrote an article about it for that Gather thing. "Oh wow, H. Jon Benjamin AND Eugene Mirman AND Kristen Schaal together on a show?! OH GOSH OH WOW," I thought. And I had no idea how much my future self would agree with me.

Throughout the pilot and next 8 episodes, I went on a journey unique to cartoons that reward those determined to love it. The first episode, "Human Flesh," introduced some solid characters (like the mom, Linda) as well as some unsavory jokes that never really went anywhere (like that child molester burger with the candy on the side). I was delighted by Eugene Mirman's character (Eugene) and his Kevin McCallister* brand of tomfoolery.  I was like "I don't know, but I trust you!" about young Louise, Kristen Schaal's character. FOX's website described her as something like "the most enthusiastic of the bunch," although I can't find that anywhere on the website now. It seems they didn't know what to do with her back then.

*"McCallister" is spelled basically the same way as "Mc A-Lister." Is that its Scottish meaning or something?

It was like FOX was learning with me. As the show progressed, so did my understanding of Louise's character. Her wheeler-dealer behavior was justified by her position as the youngest and thus most vulnerable member of an unlucky family. She's just too smart to suffer for it. Plus, no morals. At the same time, Linda's maternal ditziness started feeling less exaggerated and more bittersweetly realistic. Eugene got more adorable in direct proportion to getting grosser and fartier. And, oh God, Tina.

Tina is probably the best new television character of 2011, and that pool includes Deena from Jersey Shore, who is pretty great so please let that provide you with some sense of the scale I'm working with. Tina, voiced by Dan Mintz, gets her heart broken basically every minute of every day. She's completely awkward and hormonally imbalanced. She looks like a monster, like if Chutnie were thinner but more masculine. But every so often she gets her dream come true, and it's like watching a miracle. In episode 6, "Sheesh! Cab, Bob?," she desperately wishes for a birthday kiss and actually gets it, against all odds. It sounds like a predictable ending, but the Belcher family (yes that is their last name) is so ragtag, it's like watching the Mighty Ducks win. WE LOVE IT!!!

And I would be completely remiss not to spend some time talking about Jon Benjamin's ridiculous voice talent. He's insane. It's not just his gravelly Boston-lite tone. His timing is perfect and he plays characters with the voice range of real people who joke around sometimes but can also be deadly serious or assily petulant at other times. Have you seen Archer? I would recommend that too.

Judging from the wikipedia page, it looks like season 1 will have 13 episodes. So far we've only gone through 9, so you're in a good place to start watching if you haven't already. It airs Sunday nights at 8:30, right after Simpsons. I wish Bob's Burgers paid me to write this but they did not. I don't know if I have to write that or if articles like this are usually just overcautious about avoiding legal trouble. Personally I invite legal trouble because then more people would be reading my blog. But seriously, I don't even know anyone that works at Bob's Burgers, I swear. I have one of Mirman's comedy albums and that's it. No legal trouble here.

I just love Bob's Burgers, that's really all I'm trying to say.

America's Next Top Model Returns!

And folks, Tyra's funnier than ever.

Cycle 16 of ANTM premiered last night on the CW, and it started out with the cruelest joke in history: Tyra told the girls who made it through casting that they had actually lost. Then she "congratulated" 13 "other models" that by the grace of God MUST have been paid actors, although nobody ever confirmed or denied it. The losers moped around, herded into a swanky apartment by a PA for no good reason so that Tyra could come and console them because she likes to do that. But nope! Console she did not! Instead, she pulled down a curtain and showed the girls the apartment they'd be living in...SINCE THEY ACTUALLY WON, NOT LOST!

I should mention that before that segment, Tyra did a "This is why we're not showing casting" video that started out monstrous and ended up hilarious.



Another defense of Tyra Banks: whether she's aware of the mild unfunniness of the first half of the segment is immaterial. She commits. And when she manages to succeed, it's pretty enjoyable! And she has a nice haircut and wears t-shirts this season, which is nice.

And so we meet our ragtag team, all of whom have names that have already belonged to previous contestants. I'm not complaining; I know that if you're a model from America you basically have to be named Sara or Lauren or Ashlee. I'm just making an observation here.


Here are the girls I find interesting:

Monique
She looks like Olivia Munn and is, according to Tyra, "so sexy that people must be like, 'Tyra, what are you thinking?'" But I guess she's thinking, "I am casting her."

Sara

Tyra thinks she looks like a 19-year-old boy in makeup, and I agree. And I think her final picture from last night is AWESOME for how stretched and borderline ugly it is. Yet it's not? ...and with that, I've spent more than one thought thinking about it, and I'm pretty sure that's what makes a picture worthwhile.

Alexandria
This is the girl who described herself as having "natural swag." She's going to be a real asshole this season. She takes the Baby Voice girl under her wing and bosses her around for an entire evening. Then she repeats to every model, judge, and lampshade in the room that she's got natural swag.

Hannah

This little dork took a gorgeous final picture and reminds me of Analeigh from the Celia season. PS did I mention that basically 60% of the contestants this year look like trannies? Because it's true. (Hannah is in the other 40%)

Dominique

Dominique looks like Maya Rudolph and damn it, that's more than good enough for me.

Jaclyn/Baby Voice
Her voice is so squeaky, it's almost ironic that she thinks she has a baby face. No, it's fully ironic. I think that with any other voice, her face could look realistically aged.

Ondrei

Very short, but if that means 5'7" in the modeling world, how short is she?

Kasia
The only zaftig this season, and the only one with seemingly professional experience. Then why does her picture look so terrible? She's fixing her bra and frowning at nothing. If I wanted to see this, I'd stare in a mirror.


Mikaela
Is a vampire, so she can't be pictured. JK but there are seriously too many pictures up already and I'm nervous the page won't load.


Ones I don't really know who they are yet:
Dalya
Molly
Angelia (got kicked off first)
Brittani
Nicole

So anyway, Miss J made the girls walk in a huge plastic sphere on a very narrow and slippery catwalk. Before that, they had a photoshoot in hair and makeup. Several girls fell out off the runway, and it was abundantly clear that it's impossible to get back up in one of those things. Poor Maya Rudolph had to keep voguing inside of hers as she struggled to stand up over and over again.

In the end, Angelia got kicked off first and it's a good thing she was one of the Ones I don't really know who they are yet. I predict that the natural swag one will last for too long but will hopefully be the one who gets kicked off first in the exotic location - 50 hours on a plane takes some amount of natural swag.

All photos courtesy of cwtv.com! Black and white photos by Russell James.

The Cupcaker Awards Are Here!!

Welcome to the most prestigious awards reception of the year, "The Best 'Best Of 2010' List of 2010!" In honor of James Franco's co-hosting gig at the upcoming Oscars, my spirit animal (James Franco) will be presenting this year's awards:

JAMES FRANCO: Hi, it's me James Franco, and welcome to Becklectic's Best of 2010 List. My innate grace and zest for knowledge have made me a shoo-in for this first category-

Best Spirit Animal of 2010: I can't...I can't believe it! It's me, James Franco! Thank you so much. Now that I'm up on stage and can make my thank yous, I want to do a little joke - What's the sound of one arm clapping? Haha, because of 127 Hours and also because of philosophy, which may be something I'm getting a master's in right now. I can't say for sure. Thanks and let's get onto the next category.

Best Car of 2010: Born in 1996 and still purring like a 14 year old kitten, Gabe Kotter the Camry wins again. Lately he's getting to know a new trickle charger. Gabe, you old tech nerd!

Best New Blog of 2010: Although I, James Franco, don't have a celebrity lookalike yet, I am presenting this award to Becky's newest endeavor, Celebrities That Look Alike. The girl from Modern Family and Mila Kunis? Wow, truly a great call.

Best Zombies of 2010: In spirit [animal], Becky & I watched 6 episodes of the newest, awesomest zombie show on tv: The Walking Dead. Based on an extended graphic novel series by Robert Kirkman, the tale of Zombiepocalyptic survival is both scary and addictive...just like ___'s personality.

(ring ring)

JAMES FRANCO: Wait a sec- my phone. (picks up) Hello?

FAT CATS AT CORPORATE: Yes, James Franco please.

JF: This is he.

FCAC: Ah yes, James. Would you like to tell us what that blank joke is supposed to be about?

JF: Blank joke? Oh, you mean the insert-your-own thing at the end of the Walking Dead award?

FCAC: Affirmative.

JF: What about it?

FCAC: If you value your livelihood, you will turn in your jokes in a 100% complete format. We can't expect these people to come up with their own punchlines. It's New Year's Eve, for Christ's sake! They're already drunk!

JF: But it's only 10 til noon, not that I'm judging.

FCAC: Give it a rest Franco! Fill in the blank and then give it a rest!

JF: Ok...how about...well, let's see. Who has an addictive and scary personality? Lindsay Lohan? I wouldn't say that's scary. Gaga? I could see her scaring people into becoming addicted to her, but that's not really right.

FCAC: You've got ten seconds before this whole place gets blown to smithereens. Decide!

JF: Ok, just wait a second! Teen moms? The Tea Party? Natalie Portman? Why haven't I seen Black Swan yet?!

FCAC: Five...four...three...

JF: KELSEY GRAMMER! No, Mel Gibson!

FCAC: (long beat) Approved. (click)

JF: Which brings us to-

Best Heinously Miserable Surprise Celebrity Meltdown of 2010: One day Becky plans to read transcripts of Mel Gibson's marital rants to her babies to help them fall into deep, misogynist slumber.


Best Article Readership of 2010: This celebrity breakup post garnered 7800 page views in the half-month it's been around. Congratulations for unlocking the formula, Beck! And sorry to all the famous people whose personal romantic failures are the nourishment upon which we survive.

Best Dream Job of 2010: To write for Sesame Street.

Best-Used Present of 2010: An ice cream maker from Matt (technically from Chanukkah '09), which has so far helped create:
Strawberry Ice Cream
Eggnog Ice Cream
Cinnamon Basil Ice Cream
Sanka Ice Cream
Dutch Chocolate Ice Cream
Basil Gelato
Pistachio Ice Cream

Best Jersey Shore of 2010: If memory serves, all Jersey Shore that has ever taken place has been within 2010. Oh, nope - preliminary research into Wikipedia shows that the first season premiered on Dec. 3, 2009. This doesn't really matter because it's all swirling into the same toilet drain: ALL of The Jersey Shore was the best of 2010. And I can't wait for season 3, which premieres in something like ONE MERE WEEK.

A humble suggestion: clearly it would be a tall order to change the name of the show, but maybe it's possible to call it "Jersey Malapropisms" one or two times? No one would notice the graphic. For instance, when Sammi wants to beat up a girl, she says "Like when I left Karma, I didn’t even know what was going on in my head, like I’m gonna fucking knock a bitch up." Aw! That's about as cute as Amelia Bedelia at her most confused.

Best Roommates of 2010: My roommates!

Best New Twitter of 2010: A tie between my roommates' new twitter (@TheModelHome) and Matt's cool new account (@YonesSays). Congratulations, short and to-the-point wit!

(ring ring)

JAMES FRANCO: God damn it, just a second. (answers phone) What is it?

FAT CATS AT CORPORATE: Is it you talking now, or is it Becky?

JF: James Franco, obviously. Do you mind? This award show is prestigious-

FCAC: Just wanted to double check. Your roommates, they're cool?

JF: What? I don't have any roommates. I'm a rich actor.

FCAC: Oh really. Then whose roommates won the Best Roommates of 2010 award?

JF: Becky's!

FCAC: But it's all in first person, and you're the host.

JF: People will get it.

FCAC: 100% complete, Franco...100%.

JF: I'll give you 100%!

FCAC: That's the right attitude. Carry on (click).

BECKY (OS): James?

JF: Becky? Is that you? Where are you? I can't see you!

B (OS): I'm but a disembodied voice here, James. I'm here to help you.

JF: Help me? But I'm your spirit animal. Shouldn't I be the one helping you?

B (OS): Oh, pish tosh.

JF: It's these fat cats, they're such sticklers.

B (OS): Maybe they're baiting you.

JF: That's not it. It's their greed. Their corporate greed.

B (OS): Come now James. Think. Why would the fat cats at corporate bother you like this?

JF: (thinking very hard, then getting it) (simultaneous with Becky's disembodied voice) BECAUSE EVERYONE WANTS A PIECE OF JAMES FRANCO!

B (OS): Bam!

JF: You are the best, Becky.

B (OS): No James, you are.

Best Spirit Animal/Blogger Pairing of 2010: James Franco & Becklectic. THIS is why it mattered so much that I find a spirit animal. And THIS is why Becklectic Takes Manhattan has this year's Best "Best of 2010" List of 2010!

CONGRATULATIONS, WE FINALLY DID IT!

How To Watch America's Funniest Home Videos

As promised, here's your practical guide to enjoying the SEVERAL levels of comedy bound up with America's Funniest Home Videos:

Lesson 1: It's Funny To See Something Funny
The first step is easy - just enjoy seeing something funny that miraculously got caught on tape. Watch a 5 year old swing a baseball bat into his father's crotch. Laugh at the jerk-cat who tried to lunge at a toddler but ended up falling all the way off the counter, taking the toaster with him. What gets tricky about this step is that, naturally, some of these videos are completely unfunny, or worse yet - staged. Hopefully the rest of this guide will make watching those videos better.

Lesson 2: When Narration Goes Wrong
Since the ill-conceived Daisy Fuentes/John Fugelsang hosting duo never really counted, I'm dividing this section into just two parts:

a. If Your Host Is Bob Saget
I don't want to have to get into a huge explanation of the multiple levels of potential enjoyment in Full House (yeah right I don't), so suffice it to say that of all the comedians in the world, Bob Saget is at least solidly entertaining. Maybe you think he's too dorky, maybe you think he's too dirty. All I know is, if you're watching AFV and Bob is there, he's probably only doing narration for the videos that sincerely need it. And it's usually funny enough. In conclusion, the key to enjoying Bob's narration is to get over yourself buddy.

b. If Your Host Is Tom Bergeron
Oh, Tom Bergeron. How did Hollywood Squares ever let you go? How can I get them to take you back? What I'm saying is that generally, only very stupid things come out of Tom Bergeron's mouth. So shit-eating, so vaguely rude. I don't know what he told the devil he'd give him in return, but for the next few years at least, he's going to be on AFV.

Note: On the AFV wikipedia page, it's explained that:
"Unlike Saget, who provided voiceovers to the clips, Bergeron humorously narrates them (although he has provided voiceovers at some point during his first season)." That must be it! And by "it" I of course mean the difference between comedy and retardation.

So basically all you have to do is ruthlessly mock Tom Bergeron any time he gets in the way.

Lesson 3: Violence, Violence, Violence
I would say that around 40% of the videos on AFV are insanely violent - more violent than anyone could call "funny." A dad falling 20 feet off a ladder because some dog knocked it over, a pre-teen flipping an ATV all the way off a cliff. Well I guess it's funny that "ATV" sounds like AFV. The trick to enjoying this aspect of the show is to take one of those giant steps back, where you're like "they put WHAT on a family candid camera show??!!" Then it's really easy to find funny. As in, "lol I'm pretty sure that kid couldn't have died or else they wouldn't have shown it, but sheesh, that's really inappropriate!" Then the friends that you're watching it with will agree with you, and agreement is a nice feeling, if not specifically funny.

Addendum
Laughing off inappropriate violence isn't the only way to enjoy AFV's Violent 40. There's an even easier option, and I like to call it the Schadenfreude Solution: It's much more enjoyable to watch someone get hurt if you're already pretty sure that the kid deserves it. For instance, say you're watching a skateboarding clip. You know from the start that it's going to end very, very badly. So why not take the time to notice that this kid has no shirt on? That way, when you see him split his groin on a banister, you can be like "that punk deserved it!" Ta da!

Lesson 4: Youtube Is Basically AFV
When you sit down to watch an hour (or a 3-hour comedy block) of AFV, you're doing about 1/10 of the work that some other viral-video watcher would be doing for that same hour of hilarity. Sure, you might not stock up on water cooler chatter, but you also might get stuck watching your friends' "hilarious" 20-minute videos a little less. Why do all that work and go through all that pain? Somebody's already set AFV up for you! Take them up on it!

Lesson 5: DVR Your AFV
This is imperative. If you don't give yourself a proper fast-forward allowance, you're going to get stuck watching 20+ min of Tom Bergeron barfing all over the audience. YOU ARE NOT THE REASON WE CAME TONIGHT, TOM, BELIEVE IT OR NOT.

Lesson 6: Watch With Friends
This isn't absolutely necessary, but it does make for a more enjoyable hour on those few times when you (a) haven't dvr'd the show in advance, (b) aren't yet okay with the violent 40% yet, or (c) aren't fully acquainted with these steps. That's probably just a life lesson, though:

Bring a friend (or a book).

In conclusion, I hope I've made it a little easier for you to watch AFV. Look, it's on tv basically any time there's nothing else on, and my life's work has been finding ways to be able to watch 24 straight hours of television a day without wanting to kill myself. Be on the lookout for my upcoming "Full House: A Watcher's Guide." Not that anyone needs an explanation for that full-occupancy gold.

Jeans Diapers: What's The Big Deal?

Visiting Atlanta a few months ago, I was taking my daily stroll around the local Target when I glanced at a mind-boggling display: Huggies Little Movers Denim Diapers. If I remember correctly, I believe my response was to (1) drop everything I was holding, (2) hit my chin on the floor, and (3) suddenly remember that, occasionally, I can still feel thrilled about something.

Why, then, does every article or blog post I read on the internet condemn these jeans diapers? From the Times Magazine to Salon to NY Mag, moral outrage is pervasive. Everybody hates these diapers, and I want to know why. First, here's the disgustingly over-sexualized, not-funny-at-all, saying-things-like-"POOP" commercial:



Oh man, these devils at Huggie are truly perverted. That be-jeansed baby is practically in flagrante delicto for the spot's entire 30 seconds! Rest assured, I'm still buying honest, customary, white diapers for my hope chest. I'd rather not ruin my future baby's life with jeans diapers, for God's sake.

This morning I walked by this ad on the armani exchange window. Is she wearing Little Movers, or is this just a harbinger of what we can expect from our nation's youth?

In actuality, my best friend Katherine DID buy me a hope chest for my 18th birthday, and if I were ever to put traditionally hope-chesty things in there, jeans diapers would top the list. Wouldn't that be amazing? To be able to dress up your baby in a costume so awesomely functional, just on those times you'd feel like, I don't know, having fun with your child? I think that could be fun. What if you wanted to dress up your baby as Teen Wolf for his first Halloween? Wow, if only jeans diapers existed, that would really fit the bill. Or what if you were the sort of parent who held up options of clothes for the baby to choose from occasionally (you know, just on those times you might want to have fun), and the baby genuinely seemed to like the jeans diapers? If making her happy meant putting her in denim Huggies, I would be more than willing.

I finally found a blog post at Trendhunter (sure, why not?) that shared my more positive sentiments. Sure, writer Zoe Badley might be more impressed with the commercial than I am, but that's only because I've been watching videos with the word "poop" in them for a long time now. What I really enjoy about the Trendhunter article is the "Related Trends" section, which shows like 30 different articles about diapers. Fantastic.

To further convince you, I'm adding pictures of my brother and me on Halloween 1987. Tell me you wouldn't consider dressing up your kid as Teen Wolf.

A Defense of Tyra Banks

OK.

Although I can't chalk it all up to the writers' strike, the amount of America's Next Top Model marathons I watch is OFF THE CHARTS. There was nothing on tv for so many months in 2007-8, and there are so many cycles of antm, and there's SO much packed into each episode...it was the only reasonable alternative. Of course, I watched it insanely before the strike and god KNOWS I kept it going strong after the end. For this reason, I have a great idea of why Tyra Banks deserves more consideration than just the yuck face and snarky comment anybody would automatically make upon hearing her name. Here comes a defense of Tyra Banks.

First of all, yes, Tyra comes off as very full of herself. She's always using herself as an example for the girls, and she gets self-righteous to the point of screaming at least once every two or three cycles. This sort of thing would be totally out-of-control behavior for a normal person. It would be completely obnoxious for someone to act this way in the real world. That's why we have to remember that it's TYRA. She had to get to the position she's in today somehow. I mean, you know her name. Big Time. She set herself apart from normal people a long time ago. And by the way, she's not presenting herself this way in reality. She's presenting herself this way in reality tv. It's her name all over antm, and it's her name on the talk show. She might as well make it look like she's in charge.

Tyra got to where she is, by the way, by figuring out things for herself that worked. She smiles with her eyes. She improvises. She's definitely not afraid to look like a huge moron. She sells it. Every piece of advice she gives the competitors is clearly something she had to figure out for herself. In the world of modeling, she's freakin Einstein over here. If the show were America's Next Top Thinking Person, hosted by Genius McGee, I'd be surprised if I could bring myself to watch it once, nevermind in a series of marathons. In a modeling competition, I think I'd trust any advice Tyra Banks cared to throw me.

Have you ever seen Tyra in a tabloid, besides that super fat swimsuit picture? Have you heard her say something stupid outside of the bounds of her own shows? She's not looking for any more attention than she already gets. She doesn't comment on other celebrities, and I don't think I've ever known about her dating anyone (even though I found out from her True Hollywood Story that yes, she does date, and they don't seem to be losers). If you choose to tune into her stuff, you ought to expect what's coming. She'll give a LOT of unsolicited advice, and she'll make a fool of herself almost without fail. Then again, she is a (if not the) judge of antm, and at least she's willing to realize she's sort of a joke.

So on the surface, Tyra is a narcissistic, idiotic barbie. Obviously. You're not the first person to figure it out, and neither am I. If we could just look into the facade to evaluate the functionality of her personality, we find that she's not out there to offend anybody, but instead, she's there to distribute everything she can give. How wonderful would the world be if each of us could pick out someone truly annoying and find out that he or she serves a purpose that way. Don't be hatin- try appreciatin.