You Don't Own Me PSA

"You Don't Own Me" PSA from You Don't Own Me on Vimeo.

This has been making the internet rounds, so there's a great chance you've already seen it. If you haven't seen it yet, here you go. Lesley Gore is wonderful, women are wonderful, and policies that support women are not only wonderful but oddly somehow not already a necessity in this, my favorite country.

Here's the text that goes with the video on Vimeo's site:

Women constitute more than half of the population. In 2008, 60% of voters were women. It is estimated that 10 million more women than men will vote in this election. Despite this, women make up only 16% of Congress. Women earn only 70 cents to each dollar men make. Women of color and undocumented women make less than white citizens. Mitt Romney and the Republican Party are determined to overturn Roe V. Wade. Romney has not supported equal pay for women (The Lily Ledbetter Fair Pay Act). Romney has vowed to defund Planned Parenthood. Romney has vowed to repeal the Affordable Care Act. Romney doesn't want health care to cover birth control. Romney says same sex marriage should be banned with a Constitutional Amendment.

Women, let's rise up. Our vote alone can win this election. A vote for Obama is a vote for your health and your right to choose. It is a vote for equal pay and equal rights. A vote for Obama is a vote for our families. It is a vote to marry who you choose. It's a vote to start a family when you choose. A vote for Obama says that we won't stand for violence against women and that rape is rape. Our vote ensures that our daughters will grow up with the same rights that we've had. A vote for Obama sends a message: This war on women must end. We will not go backwards.

This election is shockingly close. Our safety is at stake. Our silence is consent and our vote is our voice. Let’s get active. Let’s get out every vote we can. Let’s make this election a mandate. A mandate to finally ensure women the respect, dignity and equality we all deserve! This is now. This is our call to action. Once and for all, let's take back the power that is so inherently and naturally ours!

Usage Wednesday: Denizen Labels!

Yesterday I got an awesome email: "Garner's Usage Tip - Denizen Labels (1)." !!!!!!!!!!!!!! Denizen labels are the different suffixes you add to a city-name to create a label for a citizen, like "Atlantan" or "New Yorker." Judging by the "(1)" in the subject line, my inbox has wayyy more useful suffix info in store. Cowabunga!!!!! 

Below are George R. Stewart's general suggestions for how to go about labeling people (*spacing mine):

Loose guidelines do exist for naming denizens. George R. Stewart, a historian, developed seven guidelines that H.L. Mencken called "Stewart's Laws of Municipal Onomastics." They were cited in the best up-to-date work on this subject, Paul Dickson's Labels for Locals (1997):

(1) if the place name ends in "-a" or "-ia," add "-n" (Alaska, Alaskan) (California, Californian);

(2) if the name ends in "-i" or a sounded "-e," add "-an" (Hawaii, Hawaiian) (Albuquerque, Albuquerquean);

(3) if the name ends in "-on," add "-ian" (Oregon, Oregonian);

(4) if the name ends in "-y," change the "-y" to an "-i" and add "-an" (Albany, Albanian);

(5) if the name ends in "-o," add "-an" (Chicago, Chicagoan);

(6) if the name ends in a consonant or a silent "-e," add either "-ite" or "-er," depending on euphony (Maine, Mainer) (New Hampshire, New Hampshireite);

(7) if the name ends in "-polis," change that to "-politan" (Minneapolis, Minneapolitan).

 If you're from Narnia, you're Narnian! If you're from Winterfell, you're Winterfeller! If you're me, you're Nerdly Mannbottoms.

In the end I guess I just never realized that someone had figured out all of this for us. Denizen labels!

Paul Brittain, We Hardly Knew Ye

This morning I got word from my good friend Zach that Paul Brittain is out at SNL, effective immediately. My first response was to feel mildly hurt -- this is just like when Michaela Watkins was gone after what seemed like only 5 seconds' worth of airtime. Here I am, trying to make a new friend to watch on television, when he's just yanked out from under me like so many oriental rugs. Paul Brittain, we hardly knew ye.

I remember when Brittain was first cast. Of the four fresh-faced up-and-comers, he was the only one who erased his entire online existence as soon as the new cast was announced. Unable to scout him before the season started,* I blindly tuned into his first episode. I can't really remember how it went, except that Taran Killam and Vanessa Bayer were awesome. "But give Paul and Jay a chance, Beck," I reminded myself. "Jay will start incorporating his very good impressions into scenes, and as for Paul? Well, let's just assume Paul's got a little something stashed up his sleeve, and BOY OH BOY I can't wait to see it!" With the weird, quiet, white guy comedians, the payoff can be quite substantial. This is an advanced comedy lesson I have just taught you.

I still can't wait to see Brittain's payoff, and I don't mean that backhandedly. It's a shame that Wyndemere was the biggest character I saw the guy do in a season and a half. I loved his background work in "Les Jeunes de Paris," but it's hardly his masterpiece. Apparently he did impressions of Johnny Depp and James Franco, but these memories are scant and watery. I'm still trying to figure out what he'll be best known for during his time at SNL.

Maybe leaving SNL is going to be the best way to funnel Brittain into the project that will finally show off just how talented he is. Just like Jenny Slate, Hi Jenny, with Marcel the Shell. "Wyndemere the Hermit Crab with a Pirate Eyepatch" - that is yours for free, Paul Brittain.

I intend to gamble on you, and one day, win big.

 

*His uncle is BOB FREAKING NEWHART & I HAD A MASSIVE CORONARY WHEN I FOUND THAT OUT 20 MINUTES AGO. 

Dr. Cupcakersworth, "Best Of" Professor Emeritus, Voices His Unwavering Judgment

It's the end of another year, perhaps the last year that we'll see the actual end of.* So many things have happened: many bests bested previous bests, and several worsts also worsted previous worsts. But that's 2011 for you! Year of the Toothpicks, we salute thee as we burn thee down to the ground.

*and I, for one, welcome our new Aztec overlords!

The Best "Best of 2011" List of 2011!

Best Car of 2011
Gabe Kotter, welcome back!
Your dreams were your ticket out.
Welcome back!
to that same old place that you parked about.
Well your battery needs trickle chargin',

and your front tire needs pressure gaugin'
Who'd have thought you'd win it?
(Who'd have thought you'd win it?)
Cupcaker knew, didn't it?
(Cupcaker wins it)
Wellll we tease you a lot 'cause we got you on the spot welcome back!
(Welcome back, welcome back, welcome back)

Actual Best Job of 2011
My new job! That's right, screw you old job. You freaking sucked so much. Remember how I lied and said you were the best job of 2009? That was only because I was desperate for a job. Now I have one I actually like! And now I don't silently cry on the subway platform every morning. It is so choice. If you have the means, I highly recommend picking one up.

Best Pastry Experience of 2011
I finally got myself over to the Doughnut Plant, first after my 101 graduation show and then months later after a rehearsal with my new improv group. Square doughnuts + improvised comedy = Best Pastry Experience (repeatable) of 2011.

Best New Improv Group of 2011
King Regis!

Best Old Improv Group of 2011
The Venkmans! One is silver and the other's gold!

Best ANTM Winners of All Time
Tyra Banks puts two cycles of ANTM out every year, and 2011 may be the only year in history that I've been fully on-board with both cycle winners. Brittani Kline & Lisa D'Amato? Werq.

Best Chanukkah Gift of 2011
My brother's giving me his keyboard! That's right, in 2012 I plan on emulating every famous rock 'n' roll pianist of the past 6 decades, starting with Jerry Lee Lewis. Documentation to follow.

Best Wedding of 2011
My brother's wedding! We welcomed Rena as a wonderful new member of our family, and I'm pretty sure Matt got membership at her family. Very exclusive. Highly sought-after. Officially, inimitably: Rones. (maybe next time, royal family) Which brings me to: 

Best New Sister of 2011
Rena Kaufmann, no question. Hooray!!!

Most-Watched Movie of 2011

Thanks to Brian Fithian, I have now watched Dazed & Confused as many times as I've watched Home Alone this year. Possibly even more times? Let's see, I kept track of the times I've watched Home Alone since Thanksgiving and the grand total is 4. However, that doesn't include viewings earlier in the year (I believe my birthday blowout with Krista and Colin ended in an early-morning viewing). But BriFi really outdid himself this year. I make it a point to watch Dazed & Confused on New Year's Day (it helps with the Too-Much-New-Years Blues), and Brian watched with me on January 1, 2011. Then again on January 2, 2011, then on January 4, 2011, then a few million more times after that. The kid loooves them redheads, man. Yes he does.

Best Australian Comedian of 2011
Chris Lilley! Please watch Angry Boys because you will like it (but probably more the second time around).

Best Actual Definition of "Nonplussed" of 2011
adj. Surprised and confused so much that a person is unsure how to react. I play-dohed a mnemonic image for it. Please for my sake just use it.  

Best Readership of 2011
YOU KNOW I COULDN'T DO IT WITHOUT YOU, YOU OLD POOPS! I LOVE YA!

Happy New Year!

This Just In: Tim Daly & Tyne Daly Are Brother And Sister?!?!?!!

I've been watching a lot of Wings lately because it's on Netflix watch instantly, AND GUESS WHAT! Tim Daly (Joe Hackett, the handsomer one) is Tyne Daly's (Lacey from Cagney & Lacey) little brother!

(photos courtesy of linked sources)

Baby Names That Were More Popular Than Mine Last Year

According to a recent list from the Social Security Administration, only 2250 American girls were given the name "Rebecca" last year, which makes sense because of Stephenie Meyer's unfortunate last-minute decision to name her heroine "Bella" instead of "Tha Bexter." But what doesn't make sense is how the following names ever trumped "Rebecca" in a popularity race:

• Serenity
• Genesis
• Autumn
• Rylee
• Trinity
• Destiny
• Makayla
• Nevaeh
• London
• Brooklyn
• Sydney
• Khloe
• Reagan
• Kennedy
• Addison (a boy's name!!!!!! I know because I know one person named this and he's a boy!!!)
• and last but not least, Sophia - aka Estelle Getty's character on Golden Girls.

Young moms of 2010, you are weird.

I, on the other hand, shall be one of the maybe-in-another-decade moms, and my children shall go by Titian, Donatello, and Galileo. Hahahahahahah oh man, their nicknames! I just saw that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! hahahahahahah

Celebrities You Didn't Know Were Married

Surprising celebrity marriages: you may already know about a few of them, you may not care about them, or you may not have even realized they could get married like everyone else. Luckily for us, legislation was passed in 1987 allowing Bruce Willis to marry Demi Moore. And thus, a thousand celebrities ran out and married a thousand other celebrities, and soon their babies will be of age to take control of the planet. And I, for one, welcome our new celebaby overlords!

CELEBRITIES YOU DIDN'T KNOW WERE MARRIED!

Anna Faris & Chris Pratt

I found out about this union a few weeks ago in a NYmag interview with Pratt. Who knew either one was married at all? Who knew two perfectly goofy blondes could find each other? Who knew there was any hope left in this cold, hard world?!

Christina Hendricks & Geoffrey Arend (a.k.a. The Snozzberries Guy)

Top Chef Masters alerted me to this couple's existence. We all knew Joan Holloway was married to some guy in real life, but we didn't realize it was "the snozzberries taste like snozzberries!" guy from Super Troopers. I love the idea that Christina Hendricks looks into this face every morning and every night and sighs at how handsome she finds him. He's like one of 10,000 possible anti-Roger Sterlings.

Zooey Deschanel & Ben Gibbard

Ben Gibbard cornered the indie music scene for a substantial amount of time, and Zooey Deschanel cornered the cute-marrying-actress scene for just as long. So they got married!!!!!!!!!! 

The Main Characters from Step Up

Channing Tatum and Jenna Dewan: Stepping Up...to the ALTAR?! That would have been a good tabloid headline.

Nick Offerman & Megan Mullally

I often wonder if these two were married during Will & Grace. Did Nick ever get tired of the cast's razzle-dazzle antics? Does Megan keep him stocked knee-deep in I Can't Believe It's Not Butter? And when is the next time she's guest starring on Parks & Rec? Probably they need to let that storyline air out for a bit.

PT Anderson & Maya Rudolph

This is another couple for whom I have infinity questions. Where did they meet? Are any of PT's characters influenced by Maya? Does PT ever laugh? Is Maya really serious now? When they have conversations, do they last at least 3.5 hours?


Bridget Fonda & Danny Elfman

Danny Elfman is a musical genius who composed several of the scores we hear everyday on tv and in movies. Bridget Fonda must have gone up to him and been like "Hey, ever heard of me? Because I've heard of you. Let's do this. Here are the rings, I already got them."

Jay Mohr & Nikki Cox

Do you remember an old WB show called Unhappily Ever After? Since it aired from the time I was 10 to the time I was 14 and since Bobcat Goldthwait provided the voice of Mr. Floppy, the bunny doll, I OBVIOUSLY DO. Do you remember that the guy from Entourage and the older brother from Malcolm in the Middle were on the show as Nikki Cox's brothers? That's really what I'm getting at: do you remember Nikki Cox? Jay Mohr did, and that's why he recreated the entire plot of Picture Perfect in order to woo and propose to her. And it worked!

Emily Mortimer & Alessandro Nivola

Emily Mortimer played a woman with bird bones in 30 Rock, and Alessandro Nivola played a man with a wacky family in Junebug. Now they are married to junebugs and living by a rock together with 30 birds and bone-families.

Kristen Bell & Dax Shepard (indefinitely engaged)

I feel like someone tells me these two are dating like, every six weeks. And I always forget. Although Dax and Kristen are not yet married, they are solidly engaged, and I think that makes them perfect for this list. WHO KNEW?!?!

Lara Stone & David Walliams

Something amazing happened. Half of the hilarious duo Little Britain met the most famous model in the world, and they hit it off. If I had realized at the time that they were getting married, I would have written a zombie story about that wedding. AKA a huge deal!!

And finally,

John Lutz & Sue Galloway

John Lutz, I'll love you 'til the day I die, but for now, may you be happy in your comedic union of souls.

Ok, 92Y, Good Joke. Because This MUST Be A Joke, Right?

A few nights ago, Steve Martin (a professional comedian, maybe you know him) went to the 92Y to talk about a few of the other sundry things he's interested in/talented at doing. This time, it was going to be art. He'd recently written a novel about art (or at least taking place in the art world), and he was going to be interviewed by Deborah Solomon (who generally uses her Journalism degree to talk about art). Why, then, did some PA scoot onstage halfway through to hand Solomon a note that said "MORE COMEDY!!! TALK ABT SNL MORE!!!" or whatever it actually said? Because whoever's in charge of the 92Y must be either severely overwhelmed or otherwise fully stupid.

Linda Holmes wrote a great article for NPR about the situation:

Steve Martin Isn't Predictable Enough!: This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things

Steve Martin tweeted last night, "So the 92nd St. Y has determined that the course of its interviews should be dictated in real time by its audience's emails. Artists beware." Ouch.

Here's what happened, according to reports from, among others, The New York Times: Martin sat down at the Y (which is famous for its lecture series and other cultural events) the other night for an hour-long chat with interviewer Deborah Solomon. The discussion apparently displeased some of the people in the audience by focusing too much on art, which forms the backdrop for his new novel, An Object Of Beauty. [UPDATE: I think it's fair to note that later reports have suggested that the issue wasn't as much that they were discussing art, but that they were discussing his new book about the art world in a significant amount of detail. Possibly even boring-er than previously reported.]

Midway through the interview, a Y representative brought a note to Solomon — on stage! — telling her to talk more about his career. Presumably, she was supposed to ask more stuff about what it was like making Three Amigos and The Jerk. In other words, stop talking about the things people aren't used to hearing Steve Martin talk about, and get back to having him answer questions people could easily find the answers to if they cared to use Google. (Martin has said this redirection was the result of real-time e-mails coming from people watching on closed-circuit TV; the Y apparently hasn't confirmed that.)
Now, without having heard the interview, it's impossible to say whether it was good or bad, and it's entirely possible that it was boring. It certainly bored some people.

But the way the Y responded was stunning. Not only did it chastise and undermine an interviewer and a guest in the middle of a live event, but the next day, it offered everyone who was there a full refund in the form of a credit toward a future event. Not because the lights went out, and not because there was an outburst of profanity that was winding up on YouTube or anything of that nature. No, closest the Y came to explaining what substantively motivated the refund (other than the very fact of people complaining) was, "We planned for a more comprehensive discussion."

When you go to hear someone speak, and you have no guarantee of the agenda, you do not get your money back because you didn't like the subject areas. Listening to a human being speak and being put out that you didn't get what you ordered as if you've gone to KFC and gotten Original instead of Extra Crispy is ridiculous, risk-averse, and (coincidentally) deeply chicken-hearted behavior.

It is exactly — exactly — like demanding your money back because Elton John didn't play "Rocket Man." Too bad, so sad. Nobody promised you the cookie-cutter experience that every other audience seeing every other similar event has ever seen. When you see an artist perform — and even more so when you hear an artist interviewed — there is no guarantee of the content; that's the exact point of going. Why would you go to hear someone speak if you already knew what he was going to say? If you want to read about how Steve Martin feels about acting and comedy, couldn't you find several looseleaf binders full of that stuff? The guy is not a recluse.

What on earth ever happened to encouraging audiences to pay attention to things that may be different from the things they were expecting? Steve Martin is not just an actor in movies and stand-up. He's a playwright and a novelist; he's been doing that for years. He's a serious bluegrass banjo player. He's passionate about art. Acting, in fact, has fairly clearly taken a back seat to some of his other interests in recent years. Anyone who paid $50 to see Steve Martin speak and didn't know these things about him, or that he might talk about those things, frankly has his or her own limited understanding to blame.

Hearing new things is supposed to be positive. It's supposed to be what interviews are for. If you want to hear Steve Martin say "wild and crazy guy" for you, there are clips. If you want to read about his experiences in comedy, there's his autobiography. This was an opportunity to hear him talk about something about which he's deeply knowledgeable that he doesn't often talk about, but his passion for which drives the new book that, frankly, anyone could have expected him to be most interested in discussing. A public figure isn't a talking bobblehead; you're not necessarily going to hear what you anticipate every time you push the button.

Maybe the audience had every reason to be disappointed; maybe Martin was boring. But if he had given boring answers to questions about Saturday Night Live, would anyone have concluded that they were entitled to their money back? Would the 92nd Street Y have indulged that particular demand?

It really doesn't matter whether the talk was about the right topics or not (and indeed, that seems to be the only dispute), and it doesn't even really matter whether rolling your eyes on the way out and saying "Well, that was boring!" would have been a perfectly reasonable response. Attending a live discussion is a risk. So is live theater, so is live music, so is dance. Sometimes you don't like it, and that's part of the experience. When you encourage audiences to feel entitled to get from a live performance or discussion what they get from a CD or an on-demand episode of Extreme Makeover: Home Edition — that is to say, an experience they could have outlined for themselves ahead of time — you kill the entire point of having people work, speak, or perform live.
Why promise people the worst kind of celebrity interview — the one where an actor is forced to choose between bland endorsements of past co-stars and spicy griping about them? When Martin recently appeared on Talk Of The Nation, he got calls with questions about his music, his writing, his interest in art — that's the entire point of talking to an interesting guy. Why make him seem less interesting than he is by demanding that he talk about the things you already know about?

But even more, why be so rude to your own guests? What writer or actor is going to go to the 92nd Street Y for a public interview knowing that the next day, the institution might say, "We realize that was a totally boring discussion and are happy to give you your money back"?

This is what makes the world boring, quite frankly: the absolute refusal to risk that anything might be disappointing, and the accompanying conviction that if you are disappointed, you've been wronged. It's the entitlement of the incurious, and it does nothing good for anyone.

If you want to know more about Steve Martin the comedian, you should read Born Standing Up and watch all the videos of him you can possibly find. If you want to hear him get interviewed by an art journalist about his upcoming [art] project, go to the 92Y. If you want to hear him play banjo, just pick up the phone and call him. I'm sure he would oblige.

How To Watch America's Funniest Home Videos

As promised, here's your practical guide to enjoying the SEVERAL levels of comedy bound up with America's Funniest Home Videos:

Lesson 1: It's Funny To See Something Funny
The first step is easy - just enjoy seeing something funny that miraculously got caught on tape. Watch a 5 year old swing a baseball bat into his father's crotch. Laugh at the jerk-cat who tried to lunge at a toddler but ended up falling all the way off the counter, taking the toaster with him. What gets tricky about this step is that, naturally, some of these videos are completely unfunny, or worse yet - staged. Hopefully the rest of this guide will make watching those videos better.

Lesson 2: When Narration Goes Wrong
Since the ill-conceived Daisy Fuentes/John Fugelsang hosting duo never really counted, I'm dividing this section into just two parts:

a. If Your Host Is Bob Saget
I don't want to have to get into a huge explanation of the multiple levels of potential enjoyment in Full House (yeah right I don't), so suffice it to say that of all the comedians in the world, Bob Saget is at least solidly entertaining. Maybe you think he's too dorky, maybe you think he's too dirty. All I know is, if you're watching AFV and Bob is there, he's probably only doing narration for the videos that sincerely need it. And it's usually funny enough. In conclusion, the key to enjoying Bob's narration is to get over yourself buddy.

b. If Your Host Is Tom Bergeron
Oh, Tom Bergeron. How did Hollywood Squares ever let you go? How can I get them to take you back? What I'm saying is that generally, only very stupid things come out of Tom Bergeron's mouth. So shit-eating, so vaguely rude. I don't know what he told the devil he'd give him in return, but for the next few years at least, he's going to be on AFV.

Note: On the AFV wikipedia page, it's explained that:
"Unlike Saget, who provided voiceovers to the clips, Bergeron humorously narrates them (although he has provided voiceovers at some point during his first season)." That must be it! And by "it" I of course mean the difference between comedy and retardation.

So basically all you have to do is ruthlessly mock Tom Bergeron any time he gets in the way.

Lesson 3: Violence, Violence, Violence
I would say that around 40% of the videos on AFV are insanely violent - more violent than anyone could call "funny." A dad falling 20 feet off a ladder because some dog knocked it over, a pre-teen flipping an ATV all the way off a cliff. Well I guess it's funny that "ATV" sounds like AFV. The trick to enjoying this aspect of the show is to take one of those giant steps back, where you're like "they put WHAT on a family candid camera show??!!" Then it's really easy to find funny. As in, "lol I'm pretty sure that kid couldn't have died or else they wouldn't have shown it, but sheesh, that's really inappropriate!" Then the friends that you're watching it with will agree with you, and agreement is a nice feeling, if not specifically funny.

Addendum
Laughing off inappropriate violence isn't the only way to enjoy AFV's Violent 40. There's an even easier option, and I like to call it the Schadenfreude Solution: It's much more enjoyable to watch someone get hurt if you're already pretty sure that the kid deserves it. For instance, say you're watching a skateboarding clip. You know from the start that it's going to end very, very badly. So why not take the time to notice that this kid has no shirt on? That way, when you see him split his groin on a banister, you can be like "that punk deserved it!" Ta da!

Lesson 4: Youtube Is Basically AFV
When you sit down to watch an hour (or a 3-hour comedy block) of AFV, you're doing about 1/10 of the work that some other viral-video watcher would be doing for that same hour of hilarity. Sure, you might not stock up on water cooler chatter, but you also might get stuck watching your friends' "hilarious" 20-minute videos a little less. Why do all that work and go through all that pain? Somebody's already set AFV up for you! Take them up on it!

Lesson 5: DVR Your AFV
This is imperative. If you don't give yourself a proper fast-forward allowance, you're going to get stuck watching 20+ min of Tom Bergeron barfing all over the audience. YOU ARE NOT THE REASON WE CAME TONIGHT, TOM, BELIEVE IT OR NOT.

Lesson 6: Watch With Friends
This isn't absolutely necessary, but it does make for a more enjoyable hour on those few times when you (a) haven't dvr'd the show in advance, (b) aren't yet okay with the violent 40% yet, or (c) aren't fully acquainted with these steps. That's probably just a life lesson, though:

Bring a friend (or a book).

In conclusion, I hope I've made it a little easier for you to watch AFV. Look, it's on tv basically any time there's nothing else on, and my life's work has been finding ways to be able to watch 24 straight hours of television a day without wanting to kill myself. Be on the lookout for my upcoming "Full House: A Watcher's Guide." Not that anyone needs an explanation for that full-occupancy gold.

You Know What's Weird?

Families where the mom, dad, and baby all have the same birthday.

Sanka Ice Cream

A few months ago, my brother bought me an ice cream maker for Chanukkah. It is one of the best things I've ever owned. We've had to get used to each other - the ice cream maker had to adjust to my constant ice cream needs, and I had to get used to the fact that it takes literally 24 hours for any ice cream to set up to a good texture. Oh, ice cream maker! Soon we'll be old friends, and we'll look back on this period of adjustment with delicious ice cream in our mouths.

A few weeks into the relationship, I used my manufacturer's instruction booklet recipe for Coffee Ice Cream, only I substituted instant coffee granules with SANKA!

Some of my roommates prefer not to eat or drink caffeine, and it was my pleasure to finally experience the ever-exotic Sanka.

MY FINDINGS.
Sanka: not that great.
Sanka Ice Cream: JUST FINE!

What On Earth Is My Spirit Animal?

A few weeks ago, Curiouser + Curiouser's Tess explained to me exactly what her animal counterpart was: the Slow Loris.

Upon google imaging the animal, I was shocked. She was totally right. And with that completely true knowledge, she had a companion and guide right there, nestling by her side forever. My jealousy was immediate and extreme.


Knowing one's animal counterpart, or "spirit animal" (as I'm going to insist it be called), is probably the most useful thing a person could know. Remember in the third Harry Potter, how Harry's patronus saved his life (for the first of many times)? Remember those Scholastic book fairs in elementary school, when I would see the cover art of the Animorph book series and imagine that I already basically "got" the entire plot just from the pictures, so why read them?

These kids seem to know so much more about themselves, just by relating to an entity with dignity and purpose that exists in nature. It makes sense - A Person is confused, insecure, and prone to existential depression. An Animal, however, simply survives in harmony with its own noble features. It eats, it sleeps, and it reproduces. It knows what its existence is. It is fulfilled.

And so I have always longed to know just which animal I could call mine. I want to know how a Beckyish animal would deal with the hardships I'm facing. I want to finally find my spirit animal.

Now, it's not as though I haven't tried. Days on end have been spent cataloging the various animals I've heard of, but each one is decidedly not me. Horse? No, not at all. Otter? More like Hermione Granger. Rabbit? Maybe, but shouldn't it hit me like a ton of bricks when I finally come across it? I'm so desperately scared that, just as my high school assistant volleyball coach Luigi used to propose, I'm most like a Chipmunk. (Then he'd tell me to "dial 1-800-Get-Over-It," no joke.) No no, none of these is right. So I have to take a deductive approach.

Instead of proposing specific animals, I tried to go by a process of elimination: no reptiles, I should think (unless perhaps a turtle?), and no insects. I'm not really a bird, but I'll keep it in the running just in case. Most likely I'd want a mammal, which is what most humans would probably choose. Though I will mention that Dumbledore's patronus was a Phoenix (awesome), and Cho Chang's was a Swan. Me, a Swan? Nope. Can't even pretend, Beck.

So I found a "find your spirit animal" quiz online. Specifically, I found this one, by Jeri Smith-Ready. I'm not sure who Smith-Ready is, but judging by the margin notes, I'd say Jerri Blank has found another pseudonym. The questions seem appropriate to items like emotional intelligence and natural prowess, but I found that there were often multiple answers that applied to me. Trying to choose the "most accurate" answers gave me the amazingly disgusting match of: Spider. Spider. Spider? Because I like to make art? SHEESH! COME ON!

Just this minute I found another quiz, this one by gURL.com. It seemed to think I was an Armadillo, based on my ability to set boundaries for myself and others. Only, I don't think I do that. The quiz questions are all aimed at high-school aged girls, so I think I may have missed the mark. Well, but maybe I am guarded? But is that all I want my spirit animal to represent?

Perhaps a spirit animal should suggest things about what I'd like to be. Like, for instance, wouldn't it be great to have a Dolphin as my spirit animal? I'm positive that I don't share too many characteristics with them right now - they're extremely resilient, they communicate very well, and they give great advice (via really wise chirps, I guess). I certainly try for items two and three, but as far as resilience goes, I have yet to see myself as a bouncer-back. But the thing is, I'd like to be. So maybe there's something there.

At any rate, I'm still in a zoological quandary. I was halfway hoping that writing all this out might make the situation abundantly clear, like if I looked at all the words, they might form the vague shape of some creature I hadn't yet considered. At least they don't look like a Chipmunk.

Please, don't let me be a Chipmunk.

Food I've Made

I finally got a new computer, which means I finally transfered some beautiful pictures of food I've made to a computer that can accept them. For your viewing pleasure, here are a few recent-ish dishes I've cooked, in their natural habitats:

Hello, I'm a deviled egg.

This was my Thanksgiving Friday feast of 2009, when I made a turkey just to see if I could. I could! To the right of the turkey is cranberry sauce, pear-sage-pecan stuffing and mashed potatoes. To the left, blanched green beans, crescent rolls, and butternut squash soup.

This was the dessert for the Thanksgiving Friday feast. It's a sweet potato pie with marshmallow fluff meringue.

Here are the lemon squares I made tonight!

Here are some unboiled spinach ricotta gnocchi. This was my first gnocchi as well as my first pasta from scratch.

Here are the chocolate cupcakes I made for Josh's birthday. They are monogrammed.

Make Adjustments Go Get It Energize!

Here follow a few items that crossed my mind as I watched last night's how i met your mother:

• Robin looks HAGGARD lately - it's probably the baby, right? Probably the baby (keeping her up at night).
  

• Marshall has to pursue his dream job eventually, right? He's just staying at GNB forever now? Didn't he say it would just be for a little while? Oh no! OH NO!
  

• Which girl in Ted's class is the Mother? Didn't they say we'd meet her in that class? Please tell me it's not the one with the squeaky voice and Lily hair. Oh please no. *CORRECTION: Bob Saget said that the mother was in that first classroom, but I figured that since (a) we never revisit that big room and (b) Ted thought it was his class at the time, the mother would still be in his class...and maybe one day we could meet her, finally. How on earth are we going to get back to that other classroom? Wasn't it phrased "That classroom is where I first met your mother?" or something like that? Or was it just that she was there for that? Either way, there's your correction.
  

• Clearly I'm stuck on the Swarkles Catastrophe. Here's a quotation from Carter Bays that I took from Chris Ausiello's EW article:
  

“None of us wanted to see Barney wearing a sweater-vest and going to bed-and-breakfasts,” says Bays, adding that it makes sense the relationship would “flame out fast” given that “neither of them, at their core, really wanted to be tied down.” Bays also believes that, deep down, viewers prefer single Barney to attached Barney. “It’s one of those things where you can give people what they think they want, or what they really want.”

I'm going to frame-by-frame it:

• A. Barney would never end up in a sweater vest, and it's pretty lazy to pretend that all monogamous couples will end up in sweater vests. I was looking forward to a different depiction of long-term relationships. One that Swarkles carve out on their own. The first episode of this season seemed to say that they would write their own romantic rules. Why didn't they? I would've liked to see that.
  

• B. Robin and Barney didn't "really want to be tied down at their core" BEFORE they got together. What made them put away that principle and start dating each other in the first place? Couldn't a character's reluctance to be "tied down" actually represent a solid starting point for a tremendously successful character arc? Nah, not in this case.
  

• C. Nobody but NOBODY prefers Single Barney these days. Scuba gear? Overalls? Whatever happened to Ted Mosby, Architect? Single Barney Post-Robin is a real loser compared to Single Barney Pre-Robin. An event like a serious relationship could carry enough influence to give Barney an entirely new dimension, or at least more rounding out. Now it's like they've taken the one thing they can remember from the Good Old Days and are trying desperately to revive it. And Costumes-on-Barney seems to be what that one thing is. Eeeeeeesh.

• D. “It’s one of those things where you can give people what they think they want, or what they really want.” Here's a third option: Give people what they actually want, which would be a well-written sitcom LIKE IT WAS IN THE BEGINNING.

I was reading a few other himym recaps after I wrote the above and can see that most articles this week cover Marshall's eightieth instance of dashed dreams. It's sort of funny that the show keeps hitting on the same points (Marshall hates not saving the planet, Robin is from Canada, etc) in a very similar way to how real life makes you keep hitting the same points. Being from Canada would be a repeat problem, and Not Fulfilling Your Childhood Dream Career would present a constant source of anguish. But just because something on television mirrors something from real life doesn't make me want to become Chuck Klosterman, so I'm ending here.

Lessons Learned From Young Comedians

This article chronicles the extraordinarily lucky path of one young comedian. Since nothing like this ever happens to me, I suppose I'm going to have to kick it into full gear on this goddamn comedy blog. Get ready to see me REALLY TRY.

And Now For Something Really Hard To Sit In

In grade school, it was the desk with no basket underneath for me to rest my feet. In college, it was the molded plastic chair that routinely chopped off my feet at the ankle whenever I chose to sit indian-style. You know what IT is. And although you may share my troubles, here follows a list comprised solely of:

Chairs I Have Exceptional Difficulty Sitting In

1. The Papasan Chair.

I mention that I can't handle a Papasan chair and people look at me like I'm crazy. "But it's so much fun, Becky!" "Just sit still and maybe you wouldn't fall so much, Becky!" If I could sit in this chair, I would, but as it stands, the Papasan is a Very Difficult Chair for me to sit in. And if I am sitting in it, it's most definitely facing the ceiling, which means I need help getting out.

2. A Chair Made Of Cardboard Rolls.

PINCH! PINCH! PINCH! PINCH!

3. The Hanging Chair.

What, for when I go hiking? I might as well be wearing a full-body cast if I'm going to try to look natural in a hanging chair.

4. The Tub Chair.

Yes, I could sit in this...IF I WANTED TO TAKE A SIDEWAYS BATH HONESTLY!

5. The Loop Chair.

??

...inside?

6. The Naked Lady Chair.

Not even in private!!!

7. The Musical Chair.

Obviously the most comfortable chair in the world. Prepare to keep your own nether regions hoist up!

8. Lamb Chair.

What if you sat down in the dark and felt this chair's wool and you were like "wow, what a dreamy chair!" and then suddenly the lights came on and it was this complete sheep face nightmare!?!






9. The Gun Chair.

Why don't they go ahead and install that inflatable donut thing on it, too, for when I inevitably shoot my buns off.

10. The Ultimate Slap In The Face Chair."No, you may not."

And just to make chairkind feel a little less self-conscious, here's my favorite chair to sit in:

The Lovebird.

On Catching More Flies With Honey

...Yeah, BUT.

Things You Can Do On The Sidewalk That No One Will Ever Know About, Even If You're Walking With A Huge Group Of People

FART!!!!

Crazy Little Thing Called Health Insurance

Ya gotta pay it! Must-have. Seriously, you have to have it.

Don't Be Afraid To Yell Back At Someone

Someone throwing down attitude MUST be expecting it back FOUR-FOLD. I'll think of better versions of the associated stories I have and get back to you on this.