New format time!
More Like Olive Bread: The Excrutiatingly Boring Business Themed Story of Chuck Bass & Montel Thorpe
- First of all, I wanted to hear Ed Westwick's real accent just come out this week more than ever before. He was losing it. It was like Jude Law in I Heart Huckabees. I wish that Chuck's next storyline would be him hiring the Jaffes to investigate his existence.
- So we all thought (or at least I did) that Chuck was only using Raina, the most interesting and likeable girl in the world, to salvage what was left of his dead father's company. But as Blair finds out this week, Chuck and Raina are actually into the idea. I hesitate to write "in love with each other" because there's no way that designer clothing can love each other, no matter what you try to tell me. And what are these people if not just the purple zoot-suits and slinky flapper dresses they wear?
- "My dad's too much of a gentleman to hold a grudge." says Raina, revealing her acerbic wit. I lifed that straight out of the 1-minute promo I remember seeing for Joan of Arcadia...she said, revealing her acerbic wit.
- So it turns out that Thorpe is this much of an asshole because Chuck's mother (which mother? I couldn't really tell but other recaps are saying it's Lily herself so I guess I'm going with that) left him for Chuck's father? It was lame when this was the reason Snape was mean to Harry Potter, and it's lame now.
- TOO BORING LET'S MOVE ON.
- If Blair can turn her new job into a permanent position, it will knock 6 months off her 2-year plan THANK GOD! WE WERE SO SCARED!
- Which is quickly followed by Serena getting crazy eyes and being like "we should do Friends Valentine's!!!" and Blair easily and hilariously brushing it off like no one said anything.
- I don't know if it's been stated before (or if I've written it before), but Serena has a harem of men in Brooklyn and Blair has one at the Empire hotel. Drawbacks? Serena's harem includes Rufus and Blair's includes The Captain. Harems never work out the right way UNLESS YOU'RE A GUY OF COURSE.
- So the bulk of this storyline is that Dan watches Blair get her heart broken and then tries to hold her hand. Then they watch Rosemary's Baby together in separate beds like When Harry Met Sally. Then the set designer has the gall to give them identical sheets so it looks like they are actually in the same bed during the split screen. Then I barf.
- When Vanessa gets back to town and sees Blair with Dan, she's going to short circuit. "WHATTTTTTTTTT #?@ BLEEP BLORK I'm mleting that's l33t speak for 'melting.'"
- Somebody call the cops, The Captain's quitting his job. Seriously, you do have to call his parole officer I think.
- But he kept his key card! Welcome back to jail, Cap'm! Yer shipmates have sorely missed ye!
- This week the issue with Ben isn't that he's a maniacal convict or a wrongly accused sexual non-deviant; it's that he's a caterer. And since we all know Serena is rich...well, let's just say that this is the oldest story in the book. Guy teaches Girl, Girl tries to seduce Guy but Guy says no, Girl's mom sends Guy to prison, Guy systematically dismantles Girl's life from prison, Girl gets Guy out of prison, Girl starts dating Guy because, hey, she's 18 now, Guy has to go and get a catering job, BAM. It's over. It's weird how the simplest stories ring truest to life.
- And so Blair tries to embarrass Serena YET AGAIN with a stupid plan that will only serve to make Blair look like a jerk. And guess what, it happens again. Yes Blair, Serena's dating out of her economic class. But you're the only one who thinks that's gossip-worthy. "This just in! A lady spotted with a knave! How absolutely vulgar!"
- Meanwhile every conversation Serena and Ben have is like "Nonsequitur, awkward rudeness? Bland truism."
- Eric is possibly the only true New Yorker on the show. I say this because he goes to trendy food trucks and volunteers at God's Love We Deliver, which is Joan Rivers's and my favorite charity. These are things that a troubled yet wealthy teen might do if he had time on his hands. Oh, and he does drugs. Or at least did once or twice.
- But despite that fact, Eric's drug dealer comes back and he's unhappy. He's going to use Lily's perjury to...I don't know, erase his father's memory? How could he possibly use blackmail to get what he wants? Is he trying to have Eric be like "Oh actually I'm the drug dealer. So you should love your son again" to Damien's dad? Oh right, he's probably trying to get some money from the VDWs. Good thinking, druggo.
- Last season around this time it was Jenny that Damien was ruining. Just saying, Eric's still copy catting her despite his feelings toward her.
- Rufus is going to be pissed.
And oh God, I think I saw Vanessa's return in the promo after the episode. Somebody get Steve Gutenberg! She's about to short circuit!