Sick Birthday, Eric!
- In order to avoid doing a drug deal for Damien, Eric fakes sick on his 18th birthday. Limp and pale on the couch, he lets Lily take care of him by bringing over highballs and pashminas on a silver tray. I thought they were still mad at each other. Is this what rich-mad looks like?
- Aha! Eric admits he's faking sick by whispering his secret to Serena in the LOUDEST LOBBY IN THE WORLD. Seriously, the acoustics in there would intimidate the Hollywood Bowl. He's like "I (I...I) am trying (trying...trying) to avoid (void...void) a COKE DEAL! (COKE DEAL! COKE DEAL!)"
- And all at once, all of my roommates are like, "Please just let Lily deal with this herself, please. She's so rich, Eric. Please, just let her."
- Damien slinks into the party (which has a giant lollipops 'n' pinatas theme for some reason?) and crosses paths with Serena before he's had time to figure out what he would say if he saw her. So he tosses his head behind his shoulder and mumbles "mmmmgreat party" to her, but she probably doesn't hear it. Mmmmmnice one, Dame. Nnnnngreat work.
"You guys can deal with this while I go carbo-load downstairs. Mmmmkayyy?"
- And yet Damien moonwalks out of Eric's room with a check for $100,000 and the promise of mac 'n' cheese in his near future. He's so pompous, he's going to eat mac 'n' cheese from the birthday buffet before he escapes with the money? Who IS this kid?
- He is a kid that Ben the ex-con will gladly put out a hit on. And I can't wait for that to happen. Next week, are we thinking?
- "I always knew you read too much Shakespeare to be sane." Nnnnnngreat comeback, Damien.
- And so while the van der Woodsens make up and eat birthday cake on the floor like the Japanese version of 16 Candles, Damien sets up a night meeting in a dark office with Montel Thorpe, night-businessman. Who IS this kid? He is a kid that is ready to die, I guess. Didn't he hear what Ben said? Didn't he look into those watery crazy-person eyes like we did?
If you were here, I could deceive you
- Did I mention that Damien's drug deal was supposed to get delivered in 100 boxes of pink tulips? FREAKING BELGIANS!
- Blair is such a prada-wearing devil that all of her interns have quit. So she makes Dorota put her clothes onto her (like she didn't before) and she types away on her blackberry during her "30 seconds of friend time" for Serena...like she didn't before. Busy Blair is the same as Old Blair but with more excuses to act haughty. Excellent.
- and her blog for W is called "The Blair Necessities"
- Dan offers to help Blair in her whirlwind of duties, but not before making her say "as my friend and peer, not my underling" until she means it. This is the best writing/acting there has ever been on this show. She literally can't say it!
- Meanwhile, as Dan and Blair remain the best of friends, Vanessa hulks back into Manhattan and tries to get in touch with her former flame...only to find that he has PURPOSEFULLY ignored her "hand written letters." How did the front desk even let her up?
- Their evening ends with Blair at the loft, confiding in Dan that she wishes she could get back together with Chuck sooner than later. This is precisely what I want out of their friendship: confiding secrets, falling asleep on the couch without accidentally making out, and ordering in "gourmet, I suppose."
- Lily and Chuck get into a fight at a cafe, but it's all a ruse for Montel Thorpe's benefit! YES, EXCELLENT START!
- Lily and Chuck's undying best friendship is the best thing ever - even when Chuck's being a real jerk, Lily is his permanent co-conspirator. I don't want them to have a baby per se, but if they did, s/he would be AWESOME.
"Oh, Charles. Best friends forever!"
- So Chuck's plan B is to have Nate seduce Raina into liking Chuck more. Nope, it doesn't make sense in the GG universe either. Nate is anything but a wingman, for God's sake. So Raina clearly falls in love with him because he (too) makes her miss a v. important meeting and he gives her a doobie and lets her spend the day in his terry cloth robe. Then she's like "let's start a potato chip ice cream company!" and you know what? Of all the things I would never do with that girl, I would most DEFINITELY start a potato chip ice cream company with her. Even if she chewed me up and spat me out eventually, we'd make a ton of money in the process.
- Chuck invites Montel's silent partner to Eric's birthday party to (a) tell him that Bass might be more valuable as a whole and (b) give him a giant lollipop and a pinata. And it works, I guess! It's amazing that Chuck's business MO is to repeat "Please, just consider the facts" to everyone. It always works and it's what makes him such a wunderkind. Please, just consider the Chuck.
- Did I mention Lily's honeypot scheme? She's trying to lure in Montel for some reason, and I was positive the entire time that Rufus would somehow find out and throw his hugest hissy fit since junior prom. AND YET! He was in on it the whole time and he acted impeccably! Wow, Rufus: 1; the rest of the world: probably in the 100s by now.
- Next week's promo shows Vanessa trying to warn Serena about something we already know isn't a threat (she sees Ben take the check out of Damien's hands and automatically assumes that you can just steal a check and have everything work out in your favor). Good luck basically requesting that the newly unemployed Blair spend all of next week shoving her foot in your face, Vanessa!
- Also, Dan says something like "...just a kiss" to Blair. Here is where I'm going to predict the Saved By The Bell miniplot will come in. They will accidentally kiss and they realize within the hour that they definitely don't like it.
- Did I dream that I saw Juliet behind bars?
- When can Eric just be HAPPY again for Pete's sake?!?!?! Maybe they should send him back to Stad or something? That might make him happy. Maybe let him spend more time with Big Brother Chuck? Aww, remember those days?
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