20 January 2012

3 Paulas, 2 Birthday Boys, & 1 Insistent Bosnian

The title of last night's Jersey Shore, "Dropping Like Flies," may lead one to believe that people are fleeing the Shore House, when in fact, Danny's Bungalow is more like a giant, powerful magnet: crazy girls flock there, alcohol rushes into the roommates' bloodstreams, and birds build their nests in Deena's extensions. It's actually quite difficult to leave Seaside's sphere of influence. But where Vinny departed, there formed a small rip in the fabric of Shore-Time. As it expands, will the gang step through, one by one, to the dangerous outside world? What will happen to the Shore once everyone's gone? Will Danny have to start a new show where Angelina comes back and turns the Shore Store into a bridal shoppe? Oh no!!!!

In a daze, Pauly sets off for the club to tell the rest of his roommates that Vinny's gone. Deena starts weeping instantly, and Sammi's unsatisfied. Sammi: "Are you tellingk me he's actyuwally gowingk??" Deena: "He was, like, my soul." Jwoww takes Deena into the bathroom to clean her up and pull her skirt back down over her package. Deena literally leaves the bathroom trailing toilet paper on her shoe.

Pauly brings home a girl that night, and Situation speaks a little Italian to her - mostly a joke about "pecorino" that involves, you guessed it, p******s? Wait, what? I couldn't understand the joke because of the bleep! I rented Jersey Shore Season 1 a few years ago off Netflix, and let me tell you: it's much better when you can hear their colorful swears. Uncensored is always better.

Thank God, Vinny brought the camera crews home with him. Obviously Sallyann Salsano can't get enough of Uncle Nino. He will have his own show deal before 2013, mark my words.  "The Young Girl Dating Game with Uncle Nino" or "Unbeknownst Freak Dancing with Uncle Nino" or something like that. Vinny's mom is refreshingly un-made-up. She hugs him hello and tells him to get straight to bed.

The next day at home, the Meatballs agree to "just get wastypants." While it's humorous to rationalize hardcore drinking with diminutive slang, it's also pretty freaking serious. They really are about to get horribly wasted, and there's nothing pantsy about it. The girls run into Deena's sister halfway through their daytime bingefest, and she introduces them to her gay friend. Deena: "I could hang out with gay men all freakin' day ['cause I am one]!" The Meatballs proceed to dance their miniskirts up to their belly buttons and then dogpile each other. Yet again they have unwittingly reenacted The Terrys.

It's round about dinner time, and the Meatballs spill into the house just in time to get dressed for night clubbing. One big caveat: Deena has somehow danced her hair into a rat's nest. It's not like there's gum in there, but something's definitely wrong. Pauly starts tearing out her tangled extensions. Jwoww tells her that it's pointless and that she's got to deep condition. This, right here, is 4am jazz. Not 7pm jazz. At 7pm it's like a daylit nightmare that just won't end.

Pauly brings home another girl from the club, noting that she's Vinny's type and that he's got to do this for Vinny (again). I think Pauly's got to do this for DJ Pauly D, the funloving, free-wheeling MC who never feels any pain, not EVER! Do you hear him, God?! NEVER!

The next day at the Shore Store, a Bosnian girl lets Situation watch her try on clothes. She then tells him she wants grilled cheese in the morning (clearly she's a big fan of the show). The funny thing is, her accent and syntax are quite understandable and self-assured. How does she so successfully toe this line between starfuckery and earnest flirting? And how does she end up in such a strange predicament at the end of the night?

After a quick upright catnap behind huge aviators, The Situation decides to spend his birthday night with Paula instead. He generously cedes Bosnia to Pauly, and the Jersey UN goes out for a night on the town. Everything adds up to a perfect Birthday Eve...until Bosnia decides she doesn't want to spend the night with Pauly. She wants to go home to the Shore House, of course, but she ultimately doesn't want to be intimate with the kid. How is this where she draws the line?

Pauly calls her a cab, and the rest of the house gabs about how selfish Bosnia turned out to be. Suddenly she pops up again, forcing her way in through the front door. She walks out to the back patio to, I guess, have a special date with Sitch while Paula takes a shower upstairs. Mike is nonplussed.

For his birthday, Pauly's mother brings his entire family (including "both Aunt Paulas") as well as "the rest of Rhode Island" to Seaside. She even brings his barber. Wow, Mrs. Pauly, A+. That's something even Vinny couldn't have done. Not that he's around anymore. Oh man. When Pauly's brother sees the haircut excitement, he exclaims, "YeahhhhhhBuddy! I told ya, ma!" Wow, I love the Del Vecchios a lot.

Off in a corner somewhere, Drunk Deena slurs, "I know I'm not the smartest crayon in the box, but this isn't rocket scientist." Somewhere halfway through that, my apartment realizes she's putting us on. But I firmly believe that the smart/sharp mix-up was unintentional, so I do not resent Deena's choice to whole-hog it. In fact, I only rarely resent Deena's attempts at whole-hoggery. I'm still not sure what she's talking about in the first place, though.

Mike gets sad at the Del Vecchio Rivoli's Family Style Birthday Dinner because nobody's paying enough attention to him. "I'm like a house with no leg right now. And that's 30," he opines, then he passes out on the couch at the restaurant and starts snoring loudly. Ron-Ron puts whipped cream on his face but Mike doesn't seem immediately upset about it. He must be saving it up for later.

Sammi's been working on a Pauly D Cake for hours in the kitchen. It's really good. What's even better is how full-on HUMAN Sammi is being right now. She's applying herself for good and for someone other than Ron. She's good-humored even though she's been working hard for an extended period of time. It's a miracle!!!!! Unfortunately, the cake has no mention of Mike on it. Telling.

Mike cries up on the roof and admits that, "at the end of the day, I'm a very emotional dude." Then, apparently just by leaving the house for a bit, Mike seems to have convinced the roommates that he has "dipped out" just like Vinny. He doesn't pack any clothes or call a taxi as far as I can see. He just goes out for a few. I guess everyone just wants him out of there that bad.

Next Week: Pauly gets yet another party, where Sammi ends up getting into a fistfight with some other girl. Then everyone goes to Staten Island to get Vinny!!!

all photos courtesy mtv.com

No comments:

Post a Comment