27 January 2012


Now that Vinny has moved back to Staten Island for the foreseeable future (and Mike has dipped out to sit in a gutter next door for the afternoon), the gang is short-handed at the Shore Store. Bossman Danny warns them that he's (a) PISSED and (b) going to be bringing in new workers/roommates. Does this mean the Odd Season Curse will produce another new cast member? (Not that Deena's a curse. She's not a curse, but she is cursed, that's for sure.) I hope it's a Meatball Boy!

It turns out Mike was just out on the back patio all day, chilling out. Deena calls attention to herself and her bulge by telling him not to "dip off" anymore. Come on, Deen. It's dip OUT. Everyone gathers around the phone to try to guilt Vinny into coming back for the dudes' birthdays. Vinny: "Nope, I'm definitely not coming back, no way."

The Meatballs then cruise into Karma to set up early for Pauly D and Mike's surprise party. Snooki tells the Stripper Manager that nobody needs to take the guys' pants down once they're handcuffed to their wheelchairs. Clearly, that's just for girls. This illustrates exactly how aware of pants-etiquette Snooki actually is, thereby rendering all of her past crotch shots TOTALLY intentional.

Because Ronnie shows up late to his shift at the Shore Store, Danny hauls off and puts up a Help Wanted sign. Two identical girls walk in asking for the job, one after the other, sort of like Groundhog Day. It's supposed to be two different girls, but it's the same girl twice. Both make me puke. Snooki and Deena, noticing that there's going to be new help, decide to dip out to Party City just for kicks. They try on huge rabbit costume heads and hump each other in the middle of the aisle. Then an Employees Only door swings open for just a moment and in that instant we can see Kubrick shaving a woman's face. They both look at us, and we look at them, just for a split second. Spooooooky!!!

That night at the boys' birthday party, there is both a boobies cake and a butt cake. There are also 2 giant fake cakes clearly fashioned out of computer paper. And strippers pop out of them! Later that night, Situation brings his stripper home before realizing what a weirdo she is. She gives him a hard time about not giving her matching socks to borrow. Please don't TRY this hard, stripper. This is a reality show. Leave it to the pros.

Ronnie and Deena try calling Vinny again, but he doesn't pick up the phone. Deena tells Ronnie not to cry, but he does anyway because he "misses [his] fuckin' friend." This is almost as bad as Pauly's heartbroken face two weeks ago. A stripper griping about socks = fake drama. Ronnie and Pauly shedding actual tears because they miss their friend = real drama, and more importantly, REALLY the reason I watch Jersey Shore. They're cartoons, yes, but they're PEOPLE, TOO!

We realize Snooki actually bought the full-body bunny suit as she plans a trick to play on Jwoww. At Deena's call, Jenni walks into the room only to come face-to-face with a (relatively) giant bunny! Deena, Snooki, Jwoww, and I convulse with laughter. This is pure comedy. I am completely serious.

That night at the club, Deena wears fairy wings meant for 3rd grade ballerina girls. I never had those wings, of course, because God forbid I should ever have identified with feminine things, but on the flip side, those things were for nerds who weren't cool enough to dress up as Wednesday Addams every Halloween for 10 years. A kindred feeling in my heart tells me that Deena is making up for lost time. Wear those wings, kid. But only to Karma.

There is a girl fight, but it is useless. Some girl pulls Sammi's hair, so Sammi "self-defends herself" by throwing a drink in her face. Nobody cares.

The next morning, Snooki convinces herself that she's having a heart attack. She starts screaming to the other roommates, but everyone holds their breath before responding. She's like the crying baby of the house, and if you just wait ONE more minute, she might tire herself out and quiet down. But if you go in there, she'll never shut up. Luckily Snooki somehow survives the heart attack.

I guess the heart attack + girlfight + the bunny suit all add up to going to Staten Island and forcefully bringing Vinny back. First, obviously, the gang hits up Shore Store to make Vinny-themed t-shirts. Then they're off to SI! (Don't worry, Deena brings the fairy wings.)

Although Vinny looks extremely depressed, he ends up going home with them. He shows them his new tattoo/mantra - Let Go, Let God - and everyone applauds his decision to get a permanent tattoo in the midst of a clinical depression. Then they moon each other all the way back to Seaside.

In the end, all Vinny needed was a little time away from the cameras, stripper cakes, and Meatballs native to the Jersey Shore. And do you know what I found out this week? Guess what Vinny's mom's name is. IT'S PAULA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

all photos courtesy mtv.com

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