04 December 2012

"Made To Suffer": The Day-Long Wait For Eternity

God I love The Walking Dead. This season has been a huge leap forward in terms of pacing, coolness, and economy. Gone are the days of 6-week debates about hostage rights. Here to stay are the decisive bullets that issue forth from Carl's gun. And to think I almost missed the episode because of a silly competitionless cable company. Fios I am ready for you! I am ready to get crazy!

Someone's screaming up a storm in these woods. A black gentleman that I'm immediately going to assume is Tyreese (comics!) looks around for the source of the screams. They aren't coming from his companion, a no-nonsense sass factory named Sasha. They're coming from the dumb white couple who can't jettison a lady even after her arm has been chewed off. They haul themselves through a crumbled spot in the prison fence - presumably into an uncleared cell block that's teeming with hungry zombies!!! Oh boy, I sure hope these guys can help Carl when the Woodbury dispatch gets there. They're still coming, right?

Andrea goes by "Mrs. Governor" these days, and she hasn't been this annoying since before she knew how to aim and shoot a gun. The Governor shoos her away so he can spend another quality afternoon with his zombified daughter, Penny. He probably surrounds himself with loser women like this to stoke his desperate misogyny. "Women! And Zombies! Are Jerks!!!!!!!!!! NEVER FORGET, MYSELF!"

Glenn and Maggie cuddle for a bit before realizing that they can craft shivs by simply tearing out the radius and ulna of a dead zombie's forearm! People should do this more often. What? Beck. Also I was thinking that it could be a good idea to guard a prison with a moat made of zombies, but (a) how would you protect the guards and (b) a prisoner could probably deal with killing a few zombies. But what if it's, like, a packed herd of zombies? More problematic for reason (a).

Did anyone else think the "Screaming Pit" would be something way scarier than just the zombie wrestling arena we've already seen?

Michonne leads Rick's gang in through Woodbury's secret entrance. Some redneck catches them, but they gun-butt him before he can do anything. Sorry friend, but this bud is NOT for you. Haha!

Good old Axel, that van-dyked freakosaurus. He's talking up Maggie's blonde little sister (what's her name again? Egg?) while she holds the baby. Carol waltzes up and in no uncertain terms tells him to stay the eff away from the young women of the group. He counters with "I would've hit on you, but you're such an intense lesbian" or something flattering like that. At least he addresses her haircut. HOW DOES SHE KEEP IT THAT SHORT?? "Wait, Rick, we've gotta stop here for a few minutes. I think there's a pair of barbershop scissors in the upstairs bathroom...I, I can sense it."

Glenn and Maggie rush the Woodbury guards once they open the door, and Maggie stabs one of them in the neck. Unfortunately Glenn hesitates with Merle, and two new guards show up to help fight the hostages before they can kill him. But not before Rick's gang comes to help with one of their signature smoke bombs! Rick, Daryl, Michonne, and Oscar slink into the smoke and extract Glenn and Maggie with literally no more blood lost. It's almost pointlessly bloodless, as I find myself wanting more blood.

The gang escapes to a nearby kitchen set-up as Michonne closes the door - with her on the outside. She's hereby abandoning the group in order to kill the Governor, for what I'm not sure. She gets weird vibes from him, sure, but does she know he made Maggie take her shirt off and then made her think he'd rape her? She's pretty sure he's a liar, but does she know he's keeping a little zombie girl chained up in his zombiequarium crawl space? What did Michonne glean from his psycho notebook? She doesn't care. She just wants this guy dead.

The Governor wants Andrea to go around and check the houses, which somehow translates in her brain to "take off your shoes and cook me some beef stroganoff, sugar lips." She's seriously upset that he has asked her to do any job other than shoot guns. She'd probably have to carry a gun on the neighborhood beat, but the Governor ends up having to pull rank to convince her. "Just do as I ask," he commands. "Sure," she says, and I'm wondering if Michonne could just take note here. That's how you get Andrea to shut up and help.

But Michonne can't take notes because she's busy sweating up a storm in the Governor's office and gripping the katana blade with her hands. She hears a noise coming from the zombiequarium. I guess it's louder than all the gunfire outside.

Rick's gang is full-on shooting at living humans right now. There's a smoke-filled gunfight at the Woodbury town square, and Andrea's shooting wildly into the clouds. She sees a "young, black man" (Oscar is not someone I'd physically describe as "young" - more like "huge") and suddenly Shane is here, walking around with hair like it's a Hair Pride Parade. He shoots Oscar in the gut and starts in for Rick. Now is NOT the time for hallucinations, Rickthony. I can't believe Axel is the only original prisoner left. And I REALLY can't believe that you have to die if you're a black man and another black man shows up. I shudder to think what will happen when we meet a new Korean guy.

Carl and Hershel hear some familiar screaming in the far reaches of the prison. Excellent, good work continuing to scream, shoulder-bitten woman in Tyreese's group. Carl seeks out the noise ALONE but for a flashlight and silencer-fitted gun. I can't believe Carl right now. He's a better shot than Annie Oakley, or at least he's on his way. Is that fair? Annie Oakley was pretty good, but so's this kid. Tyreese punches a zombie in the face. Carl then shoots it in the head. Can you imagine what Adult Carl will be like??? He locks the group in a large cell and insists that they kill Shoulder Bite. Dang, Carl. Dang.

Michonne thinks Zombie Penny is a human girl because she's wearing clean clothes and a bag over her head. This is so effed up. She gets a scare when she realizes the little girl is actually a toothless, snapping zombie, and she gets more of a scare when the Governor walks in with a gun. Somehow he offers his gun (and life) for his (zombie) daughter's safety. How are they humanizing him this much? The Governor of the comic book [spoiler, sort of?] is freaking scary. He's greasy and scarred and manipulative and into zombie gladiators and furthermore he lacks any moral compass whatsoever. I guess this tv depiction creates a more three-dimensional character, but at what cost? I feel like I can't get fully on-board with Michonne wanting to kill him this way! [end of spoiler] At any rate, Michonne kills Penny with a sword through the back of the head.

The Governor shoves Michonne's face into the zombiequarium, which is full of snapping zombie heads. There's glass everywhere and now there are hungry zombie heads everywhere (not to mention stinky zombie water), and although Michonne eventually gets a huge shard of glass into the Governor's eye, it doesn't kill him. God damn it. Then Andrea stumbles in like "What have you done???!!!!!" "Look around you, idiot," offers my boyfriend. What do you THINK happened, ANDREA?????

Michonne makes it back out to the group and convinces them that she belongs with them. I'm not sure why, though - it's sort of like "Just take me with you. That other thing...no, who cares? Me with you. That's what I want?" Meanwhile, the Governor gets an eye patch and a renewed sense of vengeance. "Merle's a terrorist!" he cries, even though Merle is about as loyal a capo as you could want. The Governor accuses him of leading the group into town. He throws a handcuffed Daryl down in front of Merle. KILL YOUR BROTHER, he demands with his last remaining eyeball!

How did my imagined recap from yesterday rate? Let's see:
  • Rick's gang enters Woodbury CORRECT
  • Michonne has a face-to-face with the Gov & scowls CORRECT
  • Andrea finds out Milton is evil DIDN'T HAPPEN
  • Judith is fine but there's trouble in the prison CORRECT
  • The gang uses zombies as weapons NO, NOT REALLY AT ALL
  • There's another helicopter NOPE
  • They run into Zombie Jim from season 1 I DON'T THINK I SAW HIM
  • They fall into an underground utopia NOT THIS TIME
  • They defeat the Governor NO, JUST HIS EYEBALL
  • He manages to stay alive YEP, SADLY
  • He steals Judith the baby NOT YET BUT OH GEEZ WHAT IF!
  • There's a pond full of zombies NO PONDS TO SPEAK OF
Not bad, that's 6 correct guesses and 8 incorrect ones. You can thank Time Warner for the misinformation.


photos courtesy amctv.com

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