26 December 2012

The Last Jersey Shore Ever: Bonfire of the Series Finales

I can’t believe we’re here. After three years of alcoholism, abusive relationships, and unsightly arrests for unruly behavior, we’ve come to the end of Jersey Shore. The first time I saw these chumps, I knew I could never stop watching them. Like a psychology student observing toddlers from the secret side of a 2-sided mirror, I analyzed everything they did, knowing that one day it would bring me to a new understanding of humankind. And the understanding I achieved was this: I guess I have to start watching Buckwild now.

To end this crazy show with a bang, Vinny suggests throwing a huge bonfire party with all their relatives and friends. Since Vinny is the littlest guido, it’s momentous that he has finally cemented his place as Family Event Planner. He’s growing up, but not before trying out a few dozen “I’m getting wood with Pauly D!” jokes along the way.

Uncle Nino and Situation’s sister show up at the bonfire, but otherwise I’m let down by how few people end up going. Where’s Ryder? Where’s Deena’s mom, Judge Deena? We do, however, finally acknowledge the existence of the thousands of boardwalk stalkers who’ve been crowding around Seaside’s t-shirt stores and clubs for the past 2.9 years. We see you, show-tourists. We know how much work you’ve put into making Seaside Heights the Jersey Shoriest place on earth. We salute you.

During the bonfire, Sammi talks to her parents about moving in with Ronnie after this is all over. Her father reminds her about all the times he put her through shit, but she’s ready to move past it. Ronnie talks to his father about moving in with Sammi as well. “Enjoy. Your. Youth,” he dissuades. The bonfire is doused in an eerie foreshadowing of the fate of SamRon’s romance.

I just want to take a minute to remember the Lost Seasider, who came back to stalk the gang last week: Trash Bags McGoo. Replacing Angelina Pivarnick with Deena Cortese was the best choice anyone at MTV has ever made. I just want to make sure I’ve documented my opinion, in case anyone was confused about if 

is anywhere near even comparable to

The day after the bonfire, Pauly D and Mike go to their last shift at the Shore Store. Danny and Mike finally admit their mutual disdain for each other, and Jwoww and Sammi head over to Simply Sun, where a surprise gift waits for Mike. The girls are disgusted by Paula’s pathetic refusal to give up on the Situation. They bring home the gift cake and Mike has Vinny read the note (yet again. Can Mike read? Are they encouraging Vinny's reading because he's the littlest?). Pauly D has a bad feeling about looking that gift cake in the mouth.

In response to Sammi's deck prank last week, Vinny and Pauly D pull one last prank: they bring Ron and her air mattress downstairs. Somehow they rip it in the process, so they put it back where it was and leave that as the prank. Sure enough, Ron is pissed when he finds out his air mattress is punctured. And he's pissed at Sammi. 

Ron's actually mad at Sammi. She's baking cakes for Sitch and Pauly D's twin birthdays instead of apologizing to him for starting this wretched prank war. It's not like any of these people could furnish an entire dormitory with deluxe air mattresses a hundred times over. They only make $5,000,000,000 an episode. 

Ron takes Sam out to the back patio to hash out a season-2-style fight. Vinny and Pauly make popcorn and watch from the living room with Jwoww. Ron mocks Sammi, so Sammi dares Ron not to be with her. Ron dares her to find better. Is this the prank? Any one of the roommates could just pull a bill out of a wallet and end this. How much do really nice air mattresses cost? I'm looking it up.

This one looks very nice, and since it's on Overstock, I will multiply the price by 3 to make up for whatever sale might be applied. That makes $600. I'm willing to bump that up the extra $400 a person like Ron would overpay for it. Any one of these people could lose $1000 on the street and come out ok. Is this the prank? Are Sam and Ronnie's parents pulling a prank by incepting relationship doubt into their heads? 

Sam tells Ron why he's wrong and then tells him that she had an amazing summer and that she loves him. He apologizes, and they kiss and make up. IS THIS THE PRANK??? I'm glad they're not fighting anymore but ????

The next day at Simply Sun, the gang finds out the mystery of the gift cake: its frosting has been tainted by contact with testicles. Mike, Pauly, and li'l ol' Deensie all partook of the gift cake, and Mike calls Paula to get her to admit what she's done. She fakes a bad connection, so Mike breaks the duck phone once and for all. Considering where the season started (Paula supporting Mike through his sobriety) and where the season ends (Sitch's infidelity leading to ingesting testiclecake), I'm happy with how things have gone. Without the cameras, Mike was vulnerable and open to help. Because of the cameras, his vanity causes his downfall. Ha ha ha, Mike ate something he didn't want to.

The gang heads up to the balcony to reminisce one last time about their summers at the shore. Remember when Snooki got punched? Remember when Deena took her bikini bottoms off? Remember how Jwoww was supposed to end up with Pauly D but it never ended up happening and now she's marrying some asshole with one of those line-beards?

Pauly wakes everyone up on their last day by clanging pots and pans in their ears. They all pack up and try not to cry. They group hug in the parking lot for so long, I'm worried they'll get arrested. Eventually they let each other go and leave with their cars in a funeral procession. Pauly croaks out a goodbye to Seaside, and Danny nails a "for rent" sign on the house. AND THEN I DIE.

I just feel like these kids should get together every year for my sake. I don't need to be in on it. I probably should be, but I don't have to be. I just can't believe we've finally seen the the Legend of Seaside through to the end. It was a superb cast this year. They performed it just like when Papá took me to see it in matinée at la Scala, my first viewing. The clouds rolled in and provided percussion behind the dulcet tones of the guido roommates meeting for the first time. It was magical, as was this. They got crazy.

photos courtesy mtv.com

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