11 June 2013

Game Of Thrones: "Mhysa"

Here we are, at the end of another season of Game of Thrones. The season only feels halfway done, probably because we were all well-warned that the third book would be split into two. I personally know of a spoiler that would've been a great shot to end this half of the season with, but I guess 50,000 perfectly arranged glamor shots of Daenerys J'ing herself O in a crowd of slaves has to suffice. Congratulations, mom.

Just like Arya, Tyrion keeps a mental shit list of everyone who's got it coming. When Sansa hears him add to it, she's like "how about we stuff sheep poop in their mattresses and sew them up and they'll be so pissed?" This is the first time Sansa's brain has been unburdened enough to be able to produce a solid prank. But now that Tyrion's father and sister lay nonstop pressure on him to get that girl pregnant, it's all tears again. I think Sansa should get over it already. Look, real human beings get to feel sorry for themselves for however long they want, but when fictional characters do it for too long, it's a bad omen. Hamlet bitched for too long and now he's drinking pearl poison in hell. Hopefully Sansa can convince herself to be cool with Tyrion long enough to get a baby in there. Then it's all dwarf babies and frozen castles as far as the eye can see!

As my friend Erin pointed out, Tywin can slap Joffrey silly without even moving a muscle and using barely any words. During the small council meeting, Tywin essentially sends Joffrey to bed, and Joffrey literally screams, "I'm NOT tired!" It's amazing. It's like watching that turd hit him in the cheek again. If there's one thing Game of Thrones does well, it's shit on people. Maybe there's no salvation for any of our suffering characters, but at least the bad ones get treated as badly as the good ones!

Unfortunately for one good one, Tywin lets Tyrion in on a little family secret: he wanted to throw him into the ocean the day he was born, but he didn't because he's a Lannister. So everybody keep in mind that Fathers Day is coming up and that some so-so dads are actually pretty ok after all, I guess. Considering?

Bran's gang runs into Samwell's trio at an abandoned Nights Watch castle and all hell breaks loose. Just kidding - nothing happens. Sam's like "there's bad guys up there I think" and Bran's like "yeah, we know, but thanks anyway moron." In a weird turn of tv events, Bran's Rat Cook story harbingers the inevitable arrival of a giant rat, but it doesn't show up until Mad Men in Peggy's apartment.

Man, poor Ygritte. She catches up with Jon just in time to hear a bunch of excuses about how she always knew what he was and what the future must bring for them. I guess she should've known, but it would have been awesome if Jon had ever tried to embrace the Wildling lifestyle. He could've easily become their king in like, three days. But no, Jon can't do anything cool or new, so he gets shot full of arrows in what must be the Wildling Divorce Ceremony. K bye, Jon. Ygritte should probably get together with Tormund Giantsbane at this point. At least he knows what he's doing down there. And at least Jon's deumer stayed attached!

GoT characters who have faced the prospect of losing their penis:
1. Varys (lost it)
2. Theon (lost it)
3. Jon Snow (somehow didn't)

His name is Reek now, and his deumer is currently in a box in the Iron Islands. His sister's like "yikes," but his dad's like "whatever." I'm impressed that he didn't bleed out when they took it from him. It was only a matter of time before the internet came up with a "Dick in a Box" parody, but what I'm going to contribute to the discussion is that the new Dial 7 "Pickin' You Up" jingle sounds exactly like "Dick in a Box." So put that in your back pocket and let your friends know.

Yes Arya yes yes yes, keep going this way, you have nothing to live for anymore besides vengeance, yes, do this. Take that coin and say Valar Morghulis to the first Braavosi man you meet. Become the psycho killer we all want you to be. YES, ARYA, DO THIS.

Wow, my favorite letter-reader on the planet just came within a millimeter of execution for freeing Gendry. Why does Melisandre want to keep him alive for Stannis's future expedition to the Wall? Does he have royal blood? Does she need someone who can read good and can do other stuff good too? Well, then, it's going to have to be at least...THREE times this big.

And he's missing a hand and what's Cersei going to do with THAT? Probably they'll make it official first thing next season and have a new litter of one-handed brother-puppies. And Joffrey will be like "Gross, mom!" and Mom will roll her eyes and smile because she loves him. He was such a jolly baby!

Seriously, Daenerys's face as she's crowd surfing in her new horde of ex-slaves is basically the same as if Michelle Tanner had just become queen of the desert. She's like "Whoa!!! They love me!!" Can slaves pledge their allegiance if they JUST stopped being slaves? Can ex-slaves proclaim a conqueror their "mother" after only a two-sentence speech? I guess so.

Here's that set of glamor shots to soak in until next March:

Photos courtesy HBO

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