WOW SOME REALLY BIG STUFF HAPPENED LAST NIGHT MOSTLY ONE THING BUT I'LL ALSO TALK ABOUT OTHER THINGS BUT OH MAN, THAT WAS SOME CRAZY STUFF! AND I DIDN'T EVEN SPOIL IT FOR ANYONE BEFOREHAND YESSSSSSSSS!!!!!
FIRST IS WORST: THE SAMWELL TARLY STORY
He's a freaking wizard because he reads books? Jesus, Gilly.
HODOR HODOR HODOR (which means "Hodor Hates Thunderstorms")
When Bran's group hides out in a mill during a huge rainstorm (of Castamere), Hodor flips his giant lid and runs around squawking "Hodor! Hodor!" I never really understood how Hodor's brain functions before, but this fear of thunder reminds me of my old dog, Sparkey, and how fast he'd hide under the bed when the sky opened up. Maybe this dogginess makes it easier for Bran to enter Hodor's brain - maybe animals make way faster than fully-souled humans.
The wildling marauders stage a small battle right outside the mill, and Bran wargs himself into the direwolves to help Jon fight. Bran is currently the most amazing thing happening in Westeros. Jojen's got such naches for the kid, it's almost embarrassing. I think they're going to get married. Seriously, Jojen's in love with his peer-mentee and NO ONE WILL STOP THEM FROM BEING TOGETHER.
Bran sends Rickon and Osha down to Umbertown so he & the Reeds can find this crazy three-eyed raven above the Wall. Good luck, dummies! That wall is a psycho!
YGRITTE + JON 4EVER JK LOL
Even though Jon and Ygritte have their own little sex alliance, she's still trying to make her Wildling side work. She helps him fight the pissed-off cohorts when he can't kill the Night's Watch Horse Breeder, but it's clear she's not happy about it. Everybody jumped to a conclusion at some point that Jon's still definitely a crow, but I'm not so sure. Sure, he doesn't want to kill the horse guy, but he also didn't want to kill Ygritte. I feel like I'm spending what's left of my precious youth watching Jon Snow not kill people. So it's only right for Ygritte to defend whatever he's doing, since he does that thing she likes and no one else in the world can do that, and since no one really knows what he's loyal to. Unfortunately for the girl, Jon rides off without her REAL fast. She's like "C'MONNNNN!"
Wargster Piddlebottom, you are an eagle now. You pecked out Jon's face when he was like "you were right the whole time, you stupid shithead!" and now you're nowhere in particular, just circling the sky waiting for prey. I am terrified of you. Please become my country's mascot.
TRUTH OR DAARIO
As in, Madonna's Truth or Dare. As in SEXUALITY! Daario can't stop eye-fucking Daenerys, even in front of her two dads Barristan & Jorah. His mouth is going "blah blah take over Yunkai" but his eyes are like "in my mind we're already doing it...like this...uh...uh...uhhh." Grey Worm's like "yeah I trust that," not sure why, and when he and Jorah follow Daario into the city walls, it all works out like gangbusters. They fight back-to-back-to-back and it's glorious. Look at these guys! They don't even use their 7,999 other soldiers!
When they return to Dany's tent, they cook up a 5-second ruse that Daario didn't make it. I have no idea why. But then Daario slinks up holding the Yunkish cloak of wonders or whatever, and his face is all bloody, and his eyes are like "YO, IS U READY 2 FUCK YET?"
PIG FARMING WITH BOY & HER HOUND
The Hound isn't stupid. He saw what happened to Jaime and Brienne when they didn't kill a witness on the road. So he knocks out the pig farmer that spots him with Arya, and they travel the rest of the way to the Twins in costume. Arya's like "stop eating the pig feet, you freak. And FYI, when you die, it'll be me that killed you." This is something I used to say to boys I had crushes on. It was my way of saying "if you don't want to date me, at least know that I am the angel of death." Needless to say, it works like a charm.
Arya's increasingly nervous as she gets closer to her family at Frey's castle. The closer you get, the worse it'll be when you don't get it. It turns out she's right to be nervous - the guards won't let the "pig farmer" into the feast and you know that spells trouble. She watches the assassination of Robb's direwolf. In turn, she gets knocked out, and the Hound carries her unconscious body to safety. C'MONNNN!
THE RED WEDDING, WHICH I DIDN'T SPOIL FOR ANY OF YOU!
Robb and his mom make up at the top of the episode, and then they eat chicken nuggets at Frey's castle (noticed very astutely by my friend Holly). Their reunion could make for a macabre Chickfila commercial, if Chickfila wanted to go that route. I think they should. Frey's like "Eat all the nuggets you want while I verbally feel up your taut, young wife!!! Look upon my ugly daughters and despair!!!"
Yet at the wedding, Edmure ends up with a pretty good-looking Frey girl. He whispers secrets to her at the reception and basically does what Daario does with his eyes only much nerdlier. Robb and Talisa are also flirting like crazy, and she apparently starts to slap him, but he catches her hand before she makes contact. Is this what their foreplay is like? She slaps him almost? I'm confused about why anyone thought that moment should be televised. "This'll be great: they're talking, they're talking, he says something fresh, she tries to slap him, he stops her, then he goes in for a kiss! Now that's sexy!!"
Here is what is not sexy: the bedding ceremony. Here is what else is not sexy: the closing of the doors to the banquet hall. Catelyn freaks out and Roose lets her check for chainmail inside his sleeve. Why doesn't he just show it to her himself instead of using his eyes to be like "Look. Loooooook! At my sleeve!" and then making her look for it. Seconds later, Talisa's pregnant belly is getting stabbed and Baby Eddard Stark is as dead as his grandfather. Robb is shot full of arrows. Catelyn catches one in the shoulder yet manages to take Frey's wife hostage. Frey's like "eh, I can get a new wife," which, no he probably CAN'T since he's GROSS, and Roose comes up to stab Robb (whose last word is "mother"). Catelyn screams the most primal scream I've ever heard, slits the wife's throat, and stands waiting for her own throat to be slit. EVERYONE'S DEAD! THE STARKS ARE ALMOST ALL GONE! WINTERFELL IS BURNED TO THE GROUND! HODORRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!
photos courtesy HBO