American Horror Story: Coven "Bitchcraft" YES, IT'S HAPPENING

This recap is rated TVMA LSV because the Language is physically abusive, the Sexuality is annoyingly loquacious, and the Violence is VERY, VERY SEXAYYYYYYYYY!

Dear American Horror Story,

Welcome back into my waiting arms, sweet prince! Since 2011, you've brought me a brand new horrible freakshow every fall, and for that I've pledged you my undying affection. It doesn't matter that last season spun out into a three-way alien marriage toilet flush! It doesn't matter that Dylan McDermott's oversexed haunches still plague my nightmares!! What matters is you've come back to me, flinging Jessica Lange's beauty at my eyeballs like a relief-pitching banshee. What do you have in store for us this season? I already know about the teen witches. And I'm VERY excited.

I'm willing to wait and see, my darling. Until then, I remain

Yours truly,
Becky

New Orleans, 1834: Kathy FUCKING Bates, ladies. Delphine LaLaurie was an actual human being, essentially the Elizabeth Bathory of Louisiana, who tortured slaves and made beauty masks out of their spilled blood. Watching Kathy Bates brush blood on her face is a joy on its own, but I just remembered that last season's psycho killer went by Bloody Face, so now my face is bleeding, which, while only medium-pleasant, should at least do something for these frown lines. Lalaurie finds her daughter schwinging a male slave, so she takes him up to the attic, which is the WORST PLACE IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD. Countless slaves are chained up, either flayed or with their orifices sewn shut, and the new arrival has to wear a bull's head. Hey, it probably stinks in that thing, but at least he gets to keep his eyeballs for pete's sake.

Somewhere Else, present day: Taissa Farmiga is TRYING to get something GOING, but it looks like her sexuality is too murdery for the guy she brought home. After a quick kidnapping by three bald men in dumb-looking sunglasses, Francis Conroy brings her to a school for young lady witches in New Orleans. It's empty, all white, and infested with vanishing black bird-midgets. BUT YOU GUYS, THE BIRD-MIDGETS ARE ACTUALLY TEEN GIRLSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!! Young lady witches are a dying breed, you see, so the school currently has only 4 pupils: Madison the telekinetic movie star, Queenie the human voodoo doll, and Nan the Pretty Girl clairvoyant (welcome back, Pretty Girl!) - plus Zoe the sex-murdering newbie. Their headmistress Cordelia does potions or something, who cares, doesn't matter, she's Sarah Paulson and I'm sure it will be great.

Sexy Asian Scientist's Lab, present day: Jessica Lange WANTS that anti-aging medication her late husband's money is funding and she wants it NA-HOW. Her character Fiona Goode does tons of coke and chain-smokes and dances to "In-a-Gadda-da-Vida" by Iron Butterfly and this is all to say she makes me happy and we are in LOVE and we will never be apart. Jessica Lange flicking her hand to telekinetically throw a grown man into the wall = arrestingly effortless body haiku. They should put on a ballet of Jessica Lange using the Force on people. Lincoln Center, do you read this blog? Can you start?

Fiona watches the local news (sure, why not) and hears about Misty Day, a hometown teenage necromancer who was recently burned at the stake. "Recently" meaning "in 2013," I guess, so that's pretty screwy. Did you know that the purpose of burning someone at the stake is to burn their brain last, so that they suffer throughout the entire process? Maybe if they're lucky, they die of carbon monoxide poisoning first. Otherwise it's a waiting game between shock and physical denaturation of organs.

And so Fiona moves in with her daughter, Headmistress Cordelia, and declares herself the newest teacher at Miss Robichaux's Academy for Exceptional Young Ladies. She can do this because she's the Supreme, i.e. the most powerful witch alive at the moment. Plus, she sucked the life out of Dr. Hot Science, so there's no reason to hang out at the lab anymore. Those who can't do, AMIRITE? HA HA.

Frat House, present day: In a classy nod to the unfortunate recent GA Tech frat-rules-to-get-laid-by email, Evan Peters plays Good-Guy Frat President Kyle, who's solidly anti-puking and flashing. Madison has dragged Zoe to their party, and it looks like TATE + VIOLET really do = FOREVER because they're immediately in love. Meanwhile, Madison is upstairs getting date-raped by several, several camera-wielding assholes. Kyle storms the room, chases the rapists out of the house into their party bus (did they rent a party bus to just hang out in their own driveway?), and gets knocked out just in time for Madison to TOSS THE FREAKING BUS with her mind. Nearly everyone inside dies immediately.

Photo: Michele K. Short FX

Hogwarts School for Wayward Girls, the next day: Fiona meets the girls at breakfast and tells them to put on something black, for God's sake, this is a WITCH academy, so maybe ACT like it for ONCE? They also put on hats, which she did not say to do, but I guess since they all happen to have them, they might as well. Fiona takes them on a walking tour of the LaLaurie Mansion, where Nan gets a vision of

New Orleans, 1834: Voodoo High Priestess of History Marie Freaking Laveau apparently knows LaLaurie and dated the bull-head slave and now she's giving her a "love potion" that makes Kathy Bates gerk-goork on the floor until she seems dead but maybe isn't? Huh.

Poorly Guarded Hospital, present day: Zoe hopes against all hope that somehow Kyle was one of the survivors of the bus flip, but nope, obviously Head Rapist survived instead. So she reaches out, gives him an HJ, climbs up, rapes the comatose rapist, and EXPLODES HIS BRAIN in doing so. Yeeeeeeeesh. This particular silver lining is brought to you by vagina dentata and hair gel.

Under a few bricks near the LaLaurie Mansion, present day: Nan helplessly shows Fiona where Madame LaLaurie was buried ALIVE and where she IS STILL ALIVE and I guess Fiona figures she can get youth-creme tips from her so she digs her up and this is already veering into the stupid path that Amhorst can't help veering into every year even though I wish it wouldn't. Please don't?

Photo: Steve Schofield THR

At any rate, WELCOME BACK, AMHORST!

All uncredited photos courtesy of FXnetworks.com