31 October 2013

American Horror Story Recap: "Fearful Pranks Ensue" AKA Halloween, Part 1

Happy Halloween! I have great news: somebody in the Amhorst casting department likes us, because as of last night, Leslie Jordan entered the show!! He's part of the ominous Council, and he's as petite and addled as ever. WELCOME BACK TO TELEVISION, BEVERLEY LESLIE! WE HAVE SORELY MISSED YOU!!!

Violently Racist New Orleans, 1961: Back at the beginning of high school integration, a black teenage boy is chased down and hanged by adult white men. Marie Laveau finds out that the boy was her salon worker's son, so she performs a CRAZY black-and-white spell with chalk on the floor and bongos and snakes getting slit open, all to awaken some nearby CORPSES to do her bidding (destroying the lynchers). This is the origin of "zombies" (straight out of rural Haitian voodoo) - corpses are enchanted out of their graves to do whatever their enchanter wants. And apparently it really shakes up the neighbors, too. What, they don't like zombie stuff?

Spalding's Totally On-the-Level Doll Museum, present day: LOL Spalding, you old goose! Playing old scratchy records and pouring real tea out of a tiny teapot for ten thousand china dolls in your attic apartment. Such a card! One question, though. Did it not occur to you that in helping Fiona dispose of Madison's corpse by rolling her up in a rug, someone might eventually notice the rug missing? What am I saying, of course it didn't. It wouldn't! You're too busy hugging scarecrows and bein' cute! Love you, Spaldy.

Queenie's Stomach Wound, shortly after the Minotaur date: Last week I thought the Minotaur sent to kill LaLaurie might have fallen for Queenie in the end, but it turns out all he wanted was 7 or 8 quick gut-shanks and then you're out with the boys to boast and brag. Well you better keep your mouth SHUT! lol Beck. Fiona comes out to the garden to check on the commotion, and even though the Minotaur sneaks up behind her, poised to strike, we jump right over to a safe and sound Robichaux bedroom, where Cordelia smears white crap on Queenie's chin. Excuse me? When and how did they deal with the Minotaur? Its still-blinking head gets delivered in a box to Laveau's salon, so I'm assuming Fiona put all that into effect. But it might've been nice to see, GUYS. I just wanted to see what it would look like for a minotaur's head to telekinetically snap off of its neck.

Kyle Monster's House, right before trick-or-treating starts: Zoe's a pretty bad babysitter. First she drops her new monster off at his rapist mom's house, and then she lets him bang his head on the toilet for a long time while she makes him tunafish salad laced with rat poison. Keep this up and you can kiss your tip goodbye, young lady! LEARN TO TAKE CARE OF A MONSTER FOR ONCE IN YOUR LIFE! PS he's gone now. He wandered out of the house. Way to go, Zoe.

Cordelia's Stupid Husband's Hotel Room, who cares when: Three things: 1) It's great to have Alexandra Breckenridge back, even if just for a few scenes. 2) Fine, Cordelia's lame and boring husband is actually a cheater who needs to be told he's like James Bond. I should've seen that coming. 3) But does he have to be a murderer, too? And such a stupid one? He's prepared enough to have a silencer on his gun - does it not occur to him to lay down a little plastic wrap over the pristine white bed linens before he sprays them with brain-blood? And to think they found each other in an online community dedicated to collecting Thomas Kinkade paintings!

Old Lady Robichaux's Funkademy for Groovy Chicks, 1971: Shortly after Fiona murdered her mother, her dear old red-headed enemy Myrtle Snow knew what happened. Myrtle Snow's power has to do with protecting the truth and knowing when people are lying, so she's pretty much onto Fiona's bullshit from day one. Unfortunately, her plan to Liar Liar Spalding's tongue just makes him CUT IT OUT OF HIS MOUTH. He's been in love with Fiona for a while now, and he's not about to incriminate her.

The Parlor, back in the present: This makes it hard for Myrtle, who's now on the Council (with Leslie Jordan!!!!!), to gain any traction for her "you're obviously a murderer" case against Fiona. Somehow Cordelia thinks that by saying Madison wasn't going to be the next Supreme, she's clearing her mother of all charges. And somehow it works?

LaLaurie's face, nowadays: When did ACTUAL HISTORICAL TORTURER Delphine LaLaurie become the sweetest, most sympathetic character on this show? She acknowledges that Queenie saved her life. She misses her dear dead daughters. And when Laveau zombies them out of the grave to come knocking at the academy door, I feel genuine pain for her! AMHORST, YOU MONSTERS!!!!!

That bar from Gossip Girl, late evening: Cordelia and Fiona laugh and laugh over drinks at the bar, playing Truth or Dare without the dares. This is a great idea because you KNOW Fiona's an asshole at dares. Cordelia asks why she hates her husband (BC HE'S A DUMB MURDERER) and if she killed Madison ("No," Fiona easily lies). Cordelia's not ready to say who she thinks the next Supreme is, but she IS ready to hurl. The veteran tv watcher in me wonders if this vomit is supposed to confirm that one of her fertility attempts worked, but I know it's because she drank too much. And then she drinks MORE - in the form of acid getting thrown in her face by a cloaked figure! This does not bode well for her face modeling future.

And so we wait for next week with the knowledge that: 1) Spalding has added Madison's corpse to his doll collection, 2) the Voodoo witches and the Salem witches are about to get INTO it, and 3) the boy next door is going to have a hard time going back home with all these zombies crawling out in the yard. LuPone's gonna be pissed.

photos courtesy fxnetworks.com and Chris Haston/NBC

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