25 October 2013

American Horror Story Coven Recap: "The Replacements" (Not Keanu Reeves)

Coven is different from Murder House & Asylum by virtue of its interest in providing answers to the INSANE questions Amhorst loves to present. While Murder House made us wonder who the hell certain ghosts were, why they could have sex with and kill people, and what made that house so darn silly, Asylum threw even more questions at us without ever answering them (WHY ALIENS WHY ALIENS WHY ALIENS?). But Coven was more than happy, at least at the beginning, to explain everything right away. Why did Zoe's vagina kill that guy? Because she's a witch and witches have particular powers and this is her particular power. Who is the mysterious, all-powerful Supreme of the generation? It's Jessica Lange. But now things have changed. Now nothing makes sense. But not because they've stopped answering questions.

The denizens of Coven's New Orleans are complete psychos. They have no reason for doing anything they've ever done. Patti LuPone, God love her, barely reacts when her curtains catch fire - she just glares at Emma Roberts like she insulted her church dress. And Kyle Monster's child molester mom? In the immortal words of Jeannie Darcy, don't EVEN get me started.

Miss Robichaux's Groovy School for Hip Chicks, 1971: Fiona used to be a teenager just like you, girls. And her mother was Florence Henderson back then, or that lady who looks like Florence Henderson but isn't. With Spalding the Tongueless Butler looking on, Fiona slaughtered her mother for calling her a "gash" and thereby became the new Supreme. Scattered pictuuuurrreessss...

Shit-Mom's Pot-Smoking Den, present day: Zoe's feeling guilty about turning Kyle Monster into a wretched, undead aberration, so she goes to his suicidal MOM to be like "great news! I ruined your son again!" This woman has an under-lip piercing that makes me want to vomit up 5000 cherry pits like that lady in the Witches of Eastwick. And I'm REALLY not too fond of what comes next with her, either.

The House of Christian Morals, present day: New neighbor Patti LuPone has a good looking son who hates wearing shirts, so the teen witches are in heaven watching him unload their moving van. We find out that Nan is an active sex-haver, but Queenie isn't, so Madison Montgomery takes the clairvoyant with her to deliver a cake the next day. It turns out dessert is the way to this guy's heart, plus reading his mind to figure out that his favorite cake is YELLOW cake with BUTTER frosting. Me, I don't go that fancy. I'm more into white cake with air frosting, omitting any vanilla that might've slipped in there. YOU DON'T WANT TO OVERDO IT ON CAKE FLAVOR, YOU KNOW?

Here is where everyone ceases to have reasons for doing what they do. It makes sense that Patti LuPone would feel threatened by sexy teens, and it makes sense that her fundamentalist Christianity might make her kick them out. But does she have to try to wrench the cake knife out of Madison's hand? Does Madison have to say all those clunky lines about the son being "more interested in dessert than me?" And then when she sets the curtains on fire, does Patti have to scowl at her bitchily instead of, I don't know, trying to put the fire out or something?

Obama's America, that afternoon: Kathy Bates is beside herself watching a black president address the nation on tv. She's ok with the idea of an electronic cube that transmits strange images, I guess, and she seems to know what an icebox is (did they have those in 1834?), but for GOD'S SAKE, a black president?? Fiona's like "I voted for him twice, idiot," and it sends me straight back to that place in my brain where I remember that Obama actually was elected twice and that sometimes, things like progress and hope are actual realities. So stuff your hateful body into this maid suit, LaLaurie, because you just got demoted to Queenie's personal house girl.

More logic problems: why is this fish-eye lens happening at the dinner table? Why would Queenie, a human voodoo doll, try to hurt LaLaurie by slapping her? How about slapping yourself, buddy? Isn't that your main thing (BESIDES MATH I MEAN)?

Lindsey Buckingham's Fever Dream, time unknowable: Misty Day snuggles with Kyle Monster, making him listen to Fleetwood Mac in bed while she creepily doesn't make a move on him. She's overjoyed when Zoe arrives but crestfallen to find that Zoe's only here to fetch Kyle Monster. Poor Misty. Even after all that hard work rubbing alligator poop on some dude's festering scars, nobody appreciates Misty Day. Something tells me she's OBVIOUSLY the new Supreme, and everyone else is going to pay dearly. Plus they'll probably have to lay out a lot of money on compulsory Fleetwood Mac albums.

"Doctors" "Offices," one dark afternoon: Cordelia officially can't make babies, and Fiona officially has cancer. But hey, maybe if they had a magic wand they could make things better HA HA DOC, HA (BOO-HOO) HA. Nice curtains, idiot doctors.

No No I Refuse No Stop This Now, that night: I guess American Horror Story wants to suggest that the only way a mother could notice large changes in her son's body is to give her a SEXUAL RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM, particularly so she can say things like "you look...different" with authority about what his penis looks like. UH, DON'T MOMS HAVE A PRETTY GOOD IDEA OF WHAT THEIR SONS' BODIES LOOK LIKE? WITHOUT HAVING TO ACTUALLY SEE THEM NAKED AS ADULTS? So the underlip-studded mom kisses Kyle Monster on the mouth and makes him cry and my roommates Brian and Jackie bring up that I might not be this offended at a tv show presenting father/daughter incest - it's true, we're all somehow more used to that showing up - but this is nuts. I can't believe they aired that. Even after yawning through stuff like fetus mutilation, school shootings, and forced sterilization, I can't believe American Horror Story went here. Specifically for the purpose of rationalizing why a mom might know what her son looks like naked.

PS How does Kyle Monster know how to shower?

PPS At least he bashes her brains in with a trophy. 

The Voodoo Salon's Throne Room, continuous (I thought the fertility stuff happened a year earlier, but I was WRONG): Cordelia goes to Marie Laveau, sworn enemy of her mother Fiona, to beg her to perform a fertility ritual. You know, the one where a 1/2 cup of jarred semen starts boiling just as a slaughtered goat's blood gushes all over your crotch, all for the low cost of $50,000? Angela Bassett does some serious lip acting here, particularly on the line about messing "with the wrrrooonggg witch." Her top lip makes a capital M. She's my idol. (Below is not the M)


The Al Fresco Brunch Cafe, brunch time: Fiona's nervous that Madison's growing pyrokinesis means she's the next Supreme, so she teaches her that geisha trick of making boys walk into traffic just by being cute? I'm confused. She takes the girl under her wing, teaching her actual Supreme tricks and otherwise just being a great mentor, yet she's SECRETLY stewing in jealousy. When she puts something in Madison's drink, I guess it's to weaken her defenses before killing her, though it honestly seemed like Fiona wanted Madison to kill her and end this suffering once and for all. "Kill me for the sake of the coven," she says. Then she slashes Madison's throat open in what looks like an impulsive accident. But that's immediately followed with a cold "this coven doesn't need a new Supreme - it needs a new rug." DID YOU KILL MADISON MONTGOMERY ON PURPOSE OR NOT, FIONA?

The Garden of Beastly Delights, night time: LaLaurie and Queenie are becoming fast frenemies in the kitchen when suddenly, a minotaur starts head-butting the porch door! Instead of sending LaLaurie out to certain death, Queenie takes some of her lily white, racist blood and ventures out into the yard by herself. It looks like she's preparing some voodoo minotaur-banishing spell or something, but no. She's preparing a monologue about how she and the MINOTAUR are both outcasts and they should just BONE already so now we're watching Gabourey Sidibe masturbate while a minotaur with REAL MINOTAUR HOOVES hugs her from behind. Not a sexual hug, mind you! A KIDNAPPING hug!

OK great that all made a lot of sense thanks bye see you next week.

photos courtesy of FXnetworks.com

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