17 October 2013

Amhorst Coven: "Boy Parts" & Toy Farts & Ploy Tarts

Time Warner Cable had a little trouble getting through last night's American Horror Story, so today I can only recap the portion of the episode I was actually able to see/hear/understand. 30% ain't bad! GETCHA SOME!

The Bayou?, not sure when: I guess Misty Day made it out alive from being burned at the stake, but my cable cut out so much of this part that all I caught is that she's in love with alligators now?

Ladies Dormitory, early morning: Emma Roberts plans to freak out Old Lady Cordelia by showing her bra, and Kathy Bates is hogtied and gagged in Jessica Lange's room. So in other words, it's a completely normal morning at Miss Robichaux's.

Unfortunately, a few policemen crash Morning Meeting, where Zoe immediately lets loose a "THEY DESERVED IT!!" about the freshly killed frat boys who raped her friend. Jesus, kid. Are you trying to make a mess so bad even Fiona can't clean it up? "We, even the weakest among us, are better than the rest of them," teaches Fiona, after hypno-amnesiaing the detectives within an inch of their sanity. "In this whole, wide, wicked world, the only thing you have to be afraid of is ME."

The Detroit Chicken Fingers Store, 2012: Looks like Queenie is a MATH QUEENIE who don't take NO shit from NO man trying to get a free chicken finger. Poor chicken finger man gets his arm voodoo-fried off, not because of the scam artistry, but because he made the poor decision of calling her fat. I know it's tempting, fellas. I know it's an easy and potent jab. But you have to work extra hard to make a fat joke fresh 'n' funny, and there's so much else going on with this kid to make fun of. WHY ARE YOU TELLING ME ABOUT YOUR HONORS GEOMETRY CLASS HISTORY? AND WHY IS THIS HOW YOU ASSERT YOURSELF? Maybe because her great great great great great grandmother is fracking TITUBA, did you ever think of that, BECK? Honestly, Beck? I hadn't.

Neighborhood Morgue, present day: Emma Roberts lays it out pretty clearly right away - she stole a spell from Cordelia's book, and they're gonna reanimate Kyle the Frat King. Even though is head is completely severed from his mangled corpse. They sew him up somehow (thanks TWC), revive him somehow (thanks TWC), and Misty Day ends up in the backseat of the car as Zoe drives the freshly awake and conniption-fitty Kyle Monster somewhere. Thanks, Time Warner Cable, for skipping over this section of the show. It made it more like how Frankenstein doesn't really cover how this works either.

The Bayou, lil later: Misty Day puts alligator poop on Kyle Monster and tries to make out with Zoe while preaching the Stevie Nicks Gospel. FINALLY, SOMETHING I CAN UNDERSTAND!

Cordelia's Marriage, last year?: Cordelia was trying to get pregnant last year, I guess, with one of those blandsome men that often marry witches only to die of being too bland and handsome. It's hard to say whether he knows she's a witch or not, but either way, he's game to do some wild sex stuff in the middle of a PENTAGRAM next to an OSTRICH EGG filled with SNAKE BABIES. So obviously she's going to get pregnant with an angel baby and that's why one year later she has a husband and a baby and seems so happy JK JK LOL.

Voodoo Queen Marie Laveau's Hair Parlor for Bad Bitches, present day: Before Nan FREES KATHY BATES FROM THE HOUSE (Nan, your sweet, clairvoyant brain may hear too many telepathic thoughts, but DID NO ONE TELL YOU NOT TO FREE ANCIENT SADISTS FROM THEIR CHAINS WHEN YOU FIND THEM IN JESSICA LANGE'S BEDROOM???), Fiona finds out that Marie Laveau gave her this anti-aging potion that's kept her alive for 180 years. Somehow (thanks TWC) Fiona intuits that Laveau must also have taken the potion, that she must work at a beauty parlor, and where that beauty parlor is. Maybe she used the internet, but something tells me there's no way that happened.

So Fiona goes and meets Laveau and essentially sparks a fight with her about why she won't voodoo out Fiona's wrinkles. Thank you so much, Time Warner Cable, because I didn't want to see Jessica Lange square off with ANGELA BASSETT or anything. It's not like those are two of the most AMAZING WOMEN ON TELEVISION RIGHT NOW. It's not like MY WHOLE WEDNESDAY HINGED ON THIS.

PS She KISSED him back to life?!?!?!!! Tell me she at least used tongue.

all photos courtesy of FXnetworks.com

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