After last week's non-stop thrill ride, it was hard to spend last night focusing on Vinny's burgeoning depression. But luckily, egg sandwiches and diamond thieves livened up the rest of the episode, so in the end everyone won. Except of course for Jwoww's section of opening credits, which still suggests that she's a squatty, caustic bottle-blonde. Everyone knows she's a lithe, maternal brunette now. C'mon.
I'm not one to belittle someone else's bouts with depression, but then again I'm about to do exactly that to Vinny. Early on in the hour, he tells the roommates that he's "got nothin' left to give, man." That's tough. He was giving so much before, and all his contributions were truly the heart of the show. Whereas Vinny
used to give, now he cannot. Just try to sit around with Pauly D, Vinny, and it'll all come rushing back. All the old contributions of sitting around, alternating between nice guy and asshole.
The gang runs home from the club through driving rain on the boardwalk, and although Deena is wearing (soaked) white short-shorts, she manages to keep her package demurely hidden. Back at home Jionni borrows dry clothes from Sitch. The Situation can't help but notice how ironic it all is that Jionni seems to like him - and he's almost right because it's certainly
dramatic irony. But the way Sitch means "ironic," Jionni would have to actually know about their indiscretion and still act this way. At least it means he's been listening to Alanis.
Snooki and Jionni go to bed without the egg sandwich Jionni had begun to prepare, so Mike brings it up to their love nest. Sitch then refers to this as "playing chess," and he suggests that if Jionni can't handle it, "maybe you should drop down to checkers." If chess = barging in somewhere with an egg sandwich, then does checkers = plain old cheesebed?
The next day at the Shore Store, Sammi and Jwoww notice yet again how depressed Vinny's acting. Even though he's standing next to something (way bigger than a onesie) that reads "I have a Situation in my diaper." Must be a men's shirt. Danny Shorestoreton takes Vinny out for a drink and a heart-to-heart on the boardwalk. This must be the equivalent of when you've been working somewhere for a while and your relationship with your boss is so great that suddenly you're just taking lunches together and gabbing about life. Vinny admits that he was diagnosed with clinical anxiety when he was 16, thereby
eliciting a gasp of adoration from my entire living room, including me. Aw Vinny.
In a somehow parallel situation, Pauly's face is peeling off from sunburn. Looks like his double tanning sesh last week had some bad consequences, after all. He buys aloe for himself and Vinny, then brings him out to the spa for mani/pedis. Somehow even that doesn't cheer up Vin.
As the gang preps for Karma, Snooki explains why it's important to get so dressed up: "Just because if you don't look hot at the first night of Karma, Karma will come back to get you." Just barely qualifying as wordplay, Snookleby's witty aphorism takes the wordsmithery crown from Mr. & Mrs. Ron-Ron! She celebrates by baring her "Jionni's" underwear with her skirt up, which is exactly what made Jionni leave Italy in a huff just 7 hours after arrival.
About an hour later, Snooks is about 20 shots in and trying to dance on top of the very narrow bar at Karma. Jionni tells her to come down, to which she says, "Oh my God, I was gonna like, cook you like, chicken cutlets and stuff like that." "What?" he asks. "Whatever, I'm over it," says Shnickers. "What chicken cutlets?!" cries Jionni. This may seem like gibberish, but believe it or not, I follow the entire thing:
1. Snooki sees Jionni's shame as belief that she can't be a truly respectable woman if she's dancing on bars. Knowing that Jionni wants a respectable woman, she's upset.
2. So she insists that she
is a respectable Italian wife-to-be by telling him about all the chicken cutlets she would have made for him in their married future. He is confused.
3. Snooki takes Jionni's confused face as an incredulous face. What an asshole!
4. Defensive, she tells him she's over it - over this whole Mother vs. Whore dichotomy. If Jionni can't see past her present as a Whore to her potential future as a Mother, well, then he's just a jerk. That is what Snooki is thinking.
Here is what Jionni's thinking: "What chicken cutlets?"
Then Snooki falls down and promptly calls Jionni "such a fuckin' idiot." Naturally he takes offense, but naturally that's not what Snooki really means. She means "let's play around in an innocuous way," and she uses the words "fuckin' idiot" because that's the sort of colloquial, playful language she's used to. She would never dare to call someone as princely as her Fair Sweet Jionni a "fuckin' idiot" and
mean it. For some reason, Jionni doesn't get any of this, even though I'm pretty sure it's a subset of Guido Code. Maybe it's Guidette Code.
Mike leaves the club with an old standby named Paula, and Pauly D leaves the club with some girl whose name I don't know but I'll assume it's Michaela. Michaela to Pauly: "I'm gonna lay you on the bed...and do you!!!" I wish she were the one named Paula.
Pauly kicks Sitchina out at 4am, but no cabs are available for at least another hour. So they occupy their time by sitting in separate rooms. Pauly picks his nose in the living room. Girl steals his diamond chain in the smush room. When the taxi finally arrives, Deena comes out to the den to scream "CABS ARE HERE!" as loud as my television goes. Shepherd her out, Deena, that's right. Pauly will admire that and naturally choose you as his next lover/sheepdog.
Pauly's girlfriend returns the next day in underwear, a cropped tank top, and the diamond chain. Pauly treats it like everything's fine, even though he most definitely gave that stalker girl a much harder time in seasons past for much less. Diamond chains cost a lot of money, yo! Snooki knows what's up, though. She knows what this girl is up to, yet she doesn't use that knowledge to help her friend Deensie out. It wouldn't have worked anyway, Deena. He's just not that into you.
That night as they prepare to go out, one of the Meatballs says, "I'm not gonna drink at the club." Then they both crack up laughing, falling all over themselves on the dirty carpet of the living room. Meanwhile upstairs, Vinny
actually isn't going to drink, forget about going to the club. It's getting pretty grim.
Pauly overhears Vinny calling his sister to come pick him up. This is the most raw I've ever seen Pauly - he's near tears, and his age is finally showing. Eventually, a very small voice begs, "Stay for me, Vinny." Damn, Vin, you've broken Pauly's heart. And it's such a well-protected heart, too.
Prepare to break right in two, Pauly Diastolic. side note: I bet Brian Moylan uses that in his recap. He's always making up full names for DJ Pauly Demonstrative. Now I am too.
Vinny hops in a cab as Pauly stares out through the 2nd story window, a lone tear catching in his eye. Off it speeds, smogging up the moonlit boardwalk, until all Pauly can see is the pavement where his best friend used to be. He touches the star tattoo on his elbow, then touches the matching star on his t-shirt. This was the
last person he ever wanted to put in a cab.
Next week it looks like everyone forgets Sitch's birthday, and he gets REALLY MAD.
photos courtesy
MTV.com
