I said I wasn't going to recap Mad Men, but it's happening anyway. I never said I wouldn't recap Game of Thrones, and it is also happening anyway. I won't be going in-depth. I will be going in-sane. THE COLD WAR IS COMING.
Last night I watched Game of Thrones at 9pm, and here are my thoughts on it:
- I can't believe Game of Thrones is back!!!!!!!!!! This is the best!
- The episode mainly follows Joffrey in King's Landing and Robb in the Riverlands, with small peeks into the various side characters we held so dear last season. Joffrey is still a huge jerk, and Robb is still in way over his head (though he's handling it very well I think); everyone else is as power-hungry as ever.
- In the Riverlands, Robb holds Jamie Lannister prisoner and basically makes him pee his pants by having his HUGE direwolf snap his chompers in front of him. Gotcha Jamie!! Now you truly are the Peeslayer.
- In King's Landing, Sansa keeps Joffrey from killing various townsfolk (one poor drunk in particular) by suggesting it might be "crueler" to let them live as his fools. It's hilarious to think that she's saving lives by "out-crueling" Joffrey. Joffrey is so stupid, man. Sansa's tricking him.
- Also, Cersei gives Joffrey a round old slap on the mouth near the end of the episode! JOFFREY SLAP REQUIREMENT FULFILLED!
- Tyrion is now the Hand of the King. More like Handsy...of the King, right?...No?
- Bran dreams about being a wolf. Let's please keep this going.
- There is some freak named Craster who is letting Jon Snow and the rest of the Night's Watch stay at his house above The Wall, but he won't let them look at his daughters because they are also his WIVES. "Seven Brides for One Dad" will be the name of his very short musical adaptation.
- Then there's this intense witch named Melisandre who's helping Stannis Baratheon (Robert's older brother) prepare for battle. Some old tubby worrywart tries to poison her in order to save everyone's souls, but it ain't gonna work. Melisandre represents a terrifyingly powerful deity; when she faces off with the dragons, we're gonna see some serious shit.
- The hour ends with a heart-wrenching slaughter of each and every one of Robert's innocents. King Robert was quite the cheater, you see, and he sired like 6 or 7 different potential heirs. The last thing we see before the credits are the heavily implied violent murders of several babies. Holy crap.
- Hahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahaha, Betty.
- Also, just because Betty's lump is benign doesn't mean it's definitely NOT the cause of her weight gain, right? Thyroids, I just don't get you.
- Don and Megan entertain clients at a fancy restaurant, but this woman is so NOT Bobbie Barrett that it's making even me feel old. Who's Don supposed to finger bang now? He can't be at dinner with these people! Sheesh!
- Don and Harry Crane go to a Rolling Stones concert and talk to a young female actress I can't place. WHERE IS SHE FROM? AMERICAN HORROR STORY? WHERE IS THIS GIRL FROM? The episode's casting details aren't on imdb yet.
- Peggy hires a new artist but it turns out he's also a copywriter and guess what, he's the most annoying person on the planet. "Hi everyone, I am a young and eager 1960s Jew so naturally I have no social skills and am very pushy but when I go home you find out I am just a softy with a softy father who blesses me sweetly with apparent regularity." I want to see what this kid does next, but not because I like him. Though I probably will soon.
- No Joan?
- No Alison Brie???
- Matt, I just don't know about this Pete kid. He's a real Me First kind of guy in a way that surpasses what's necessary to survive at SCDP. In fact, he's cruising for Roger's bruising. Either that or he will somehow be responsible for Roger's future suicide. Both feel imminent.
- It stinks to be a woman.
- New people are weirdos.
- Betty is the Sundaeslayer.
- That was mean.
- But she's fictional.
- War is coming.
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