A Very GOOPy SNL

I'm always late and sporadic with these things. But doesn't that give Becklectic a shot of unpredictability? And people love it when they can't predict things. I know in advance that I always do!

GWYNETH + CEE-LO WILL NEVER "FORGET YOU"
This Saturday Gwyneth Paltrow hosted SNL and almost all my notes end in "totally funny and worth it." Ok, that's it, that's the recap.

ONLY I'M JUST KIDDING! Unpredictability.

The show opened with a Greta Van Susteren spoof with James Carville making it hard for a few Conservatives to maintain a level-headed convo. That darn James Carville. The Cajun Clown! After that Gwyneth, Kenny Rogers, and Cee-Lo sang "Islands in the Stream" together, which is easily my favorite Dolly Parton duet. Everyday this week I've had it stuck in my head and that is not a complaint. Happy birthday yesterday Dolly!

The first sketch after Gwyn's monologue was "Secret Word," starring GP herself and who else but Kristen Wiig. My favorite part was Gwyneth incorrectly assuming that her partner was her "game butler." And with Kristen Wiig, I'd be lying if I didn't say I thought everything she did was really, really funny. But as I'm sure I've written before, I've noticed just how much she appears in sketches (a lot). But here's what I was thinking on Saturday: if you were an archer (go with me here) and you had ten pretty great arrows in your thingie but one of them always hit the bullseye, wouldn't you use that one a WHOLE LOT? I mean, other people in the tournament might be like "Hey, buddy, use other arrows why don't you?" and you'd have to deal with that, particularly if like, the judge says that. Which would be akin to...blog commenters? But they're so miserable. I have a great compromise: more Vanessa Bayer!!

The Digital Short: MY ULTIMATE PEE WEE HERMAN FANTASY. I get the feeling that maybe the way the Lonely Island guys come up with material for the shorts is by illustrating whatever their ultimate dreams are. To live large on a boat! To charmingly seduce your friend's mother! To punch people about to take a bite! These are dreams, and where better to store your dreams than in a short film that doesn't even use film.

Upcoming Guests: Oh my god oh my god oh my god Nicki Minaj is coming! All I've heard from her is (1) her part in Kanye's "Monster" and (2) what she said and did when she appeared on Ellen recently. I TOLD you Gaga would be important. To me it looks like this: Lady Gaga took everything we've seen before from female sex-symbol singers and subverted it into a new, playful-yet-high-concept, acknowledging-materialism-more-than-Madonna-really-ever-did genre. And Nicki Minaj is like the 2.0 version of that. She does CHARACTERS. She's INSANE. And she's COMING TO SNL.

Next came "Jacob's Rocking Bar Mitzvah," where tons of famous musicians came to sing Weird Al songs about Bar Mitzvot. My favorite part of this one was Gwyneth-as-Taylor Swift having to qualify "Jap" with "not like Japanese" because I'm forever having to do that even though at this point it's like, Look at me. I was born in the 80s, not the 30s. If I say "jap," it's literally 100% impossible that it's shorthand for a Japanese person. When you look at me, do you see Roger Sterling? Or do you see a half-Jew who is therefore half-allowed to poke fun at Jewish princesses? (PS interestingly enough, Gwyneth herself is half-Jewish. POINT PROVEN!)

"Recording Execs" had an inevitable and really straightforward game: in its world, "Forget You" is the unrated version of Cee-Lo's amazing single and they've got to figure out a less offensive option. Unfortunately I didn't write down any of the punchlines, but I remember feeling like this was such a simple idea that there was no way for it to be bad. And then it led into the musical act! There's nothing like an all-girl band. Really, nothing like it in the world. And these grrls weren't even rioting.

WEEKEND UPDATE UPDATE: The "I agree fully" Edition

• That's pretty right, it would've been more offensive if Sarah Palin actually knew what blood libel was.
• For real, you can't make taxes better by making them phone-accessible.
• Rent Is Too Damn High Jimmy McMillan came back:  "Do you have a platform yet?" "You mean, like where I sleep?" And he's all set to go back to Vietnam and finish what he started. I'm noticing something about Jimmy McMillan - what's up with the gloves? Are his hands disfigured? Is it just him knowing better than to leave fingerprints everywhere? What's up?...with that!
• "Keep looking, the guy with the pet skunk definitely has weed."
• Don't actually try to do a Cher impression or anything, Bill Hader. He visited because Chaz Bono is hitting the news again. This bodes well for my Modern Family spec. 
• Garth & Kat: They were in Harrisburg so they couldn't get ready for their gig, but on the flip side they keep calling Seth "sir." I don't care how many times they do it. Trying to sing or talk the same words as someone else is no-fail hilarious,even if only to the people doing it.

The rest of the night was blurry because it was Saturday after all and I try to have fun at least one day a week. But here's what I can remember (you see, my notes are all nonsense words and exclamation points from this point on so they're useless):

Shakespeare Coming Attractions. Again with the really straightforward, successful games. NICE. And interestingly enough I was thinking about the Dust Bowl yesterday for some reason and was hoping that the next movie that comes out about it will have the tagline "It's about to get DUSTAY!"

Fresh Prince. This was a great way to start sneaking the new guy's impersonation talent into sketches that are also about things. Most of the jokes I remember are spot-on Will Smithisms like "Arooo?!" and "HuhHA!" and "Cha Ching!" I was wondering how they were going to get Goop on there since Hillary Banks was the only real option and that would've been like "AROO??!"

ESPN Deportes. This was another simple idea but what was really interesting about it was how great everyone's accent and speed were. With this talent they could easily do one of those sketches someday where somebody just goes off in Spanish and everyone else is like "duhhh whatttt?" On second thought that might not be a particularly strong sketch idea.

Spitzner needs a new partner! Gwyneth Paltrow did look a lot like Heidi Klum. And Paterson does need a new job. And with that, all loose ends are tied and we can finally go safely to bed. WHICH I DID!

A Very Thank-Der-Woodsen-Giving!

Tonight I witnessed a sizeable explosion of turkey feathers and elevator indiscretion on the CW. It was Gossip Girl, and it was Thanksgiving. And let me tell you, Blair had her pie indeed.

• First of all, it's highly unlikely that Serena's grandmother would deign to involve herself in a Thanksgiving dinner ichat. And yet she does it anyway, and apparently she's just survived cancer. Just give her the emmy already!
  
• I was astounded by Serena's newfound ability to lie UNTIL OF COURSE I remembered she's been lying to Nate. Which is not to say that Nate has lost any of his newfound ability to think, or at least to give witty quips at apropos moments. Case in point: "Threesomes, man, don't believe the hype!"
• Eric begins the episode by sulking around the apartment doing his best tight-flannel, floppy-brown-hair, sucked-in-V-shape-body Dan Humphrey impression. Classic older brother syndrome. Remember when he started Chucking out right after Bart and Lily's wedding? That was hilarious.
• Tonight showed us a lot of slap-dash "crushes" whose groundworks really haven't been laid yet:
  

• (1) Nate is in love with Serena? Since when? I guess the very beginning of the series showed us a lovelorn Nate, but that was clearly because he was still in a post-virgin haze. Why does Nate like Serena now? Have they been spending more time together than usual? Nope. They all spend time at the campaign headquarters, but I usually just see Serena and Tripp hanging out by themselves. Shouldn't Tripp be signing documents at least once in a while? Either way, Nate's never there. Although I must admit, it's really sweet to see Chuck so clearly in on Nate's secret crush, which is only natural since they spend so many boy-weekends together.
  

• (2) Dan likes Vanessa...because he looked at her in a new way whilst threesoming with her? Here's a tip: if you like someone, you know. You're not, like, taken by surprise by your crush's loveliness for the first time in the middle of a gross college THREE-WAY starring Hillary Duff. Perhaps this new crush Dan is experiencing is actually a crush on threeways. It seems funny that no one would consider that, even though every single person responds to anything Dan says for the entire episode with "...and how long have you been in love with Vanessa?"

I'm just saying that unrequited love storylines usually provide the most effective drawn-out tension, but when they're founded on nothing, the effect is the lamest.

• These act breaks are THE GREATEST. First, Lily invites every single worst possible guest to Thanksgiving (I can think of a senator's favorite wife who's about to get a BIG surprise). Then there's a huge SNL-quoting "MM Whatcha Say" remix punctuating each miniature explosion - Vanessa hates her mom! Lily just saw Serena kissing a senator on a video phone! Jenny lost her appetite (ha-ha?). I can't believe that it's 2009 and television is going where I want it to go already! A truly intertextual tv schedule! First SNL speaks to the OC's Coop-shoots-Trey scene, then Gossip Girl puts her two cents in on that. Who's next? Mad Men? Perhaps a birth-story-confession followed by another birth-story-confession punctuated by the Beach Boys singing "Yeah! Whatcha Say!"? Only in my wildest dreams. Also I suppose Josh Schwartz would have to have his finger in amc, too. All in a matter of time.
• And I want to add that the scene leading into the explosionthon suggests that Lily might be a burgeoning alcoholic just like Kirsten...until every single other person in the scene takes a long, hard sip of wine, too.
  
• Serena must emit some pheromone that keeps boys from ever having a logical thought ever again. Sure, she's no college student, but for a senator to forget that elevators have cameras? That's pretty stupid. He must be in a haze, and that explains why he couldn't wait to divorce his wife until maybe a month after his election. You know, maybe to avoid the headlines he's still in. In the newspapers.
  
• Blair's obsession with her mother's will is upsettingly boring. I guess it adds to my observation that she's becoming more of a child as Chuck matures. She's interested in the boringest stuff ever and everyone else has to play with her - even Dorota, who's actually pregnant. Then Blair invites Serena to Paris with her that night because when we play pretend, that's what we do.
• Which brings me to Serena's routine international vacation-retreats. Is she living in the 90s? Is there really still this much money in the world? Every time she takes the SAT or almost sleeps with a senator or can't go shopping, she gets to fly out to Europe. When I wanted to run away in high school, I had to settle for driving to QuikTrip.
• Jenny looked a lot like Dakota Fanning in one scene, which makes me wonder if any casting directors would consider a mid-season switcheroo. I'm pretty sure she could still pull off the patterned tights. At least more than Blair or Vanessa have been able to.
  
• Although it was odd to see Blair herself carry a smoked salmon platter into the Van Der Woodsen's, the image was easily replaced by sweet memories of Chuck immediately serving up some maturity nice and rare to Tripp and Serena. "Get serious," Chuck's new haircut seemed to say. "You want to have an affair? Try growing up." Whatever he actually said, ManChuck strikes again!
• PS Serena's wearing a jumpsuit to Thanksgiving. Someone's getting some mileage out of the failed Lily-80s-show costume closet!
• Here's what I think Serena's dad's letter says:
  

Dear Serina,

Hi! How are you???! I am still a doctor without borders. I am helping tons of tribes. Our post office is in Switzerland! What a kick!

Are you nice? I don't know because I have never met you. Did you know your mom came to get me in September and October? Then she told me I could never meet you, even in the future! What's that all about I don't know.

I guess I love you! I'm off to go do surgery. Vive le Switzerland!

nice to meet you,
your namesake


So I'm guessing next week we'll find out if I'm right. And maybe we'll find out who Tripp's favorite wife is, once and for all!