More Fascinating Articles To Oh Nevermind

I wrote even more Walking Dead articles for Gather, and then I also wrote one about how Taylor Momsen is on indefinite hiatus from GG. Hooray!

If you click these, I will earn money which I will then put towards making gifts for you etc:

1. AMC’s “The Walking Dead” Episode 2 Recap: Escape from ATL
Here is a handy recap for episode 2 of The Walking Dead. You'll like it, I basically promise!

2. Watch Gwyneth Paltrow's Performance at the CMAs: "Country Strong"
This was from one afternoon when I was just like "ok, let's do a trending topic article." Surprisingly, no one searching for this topic on google wanted to read my article.

3. AMC's "The Walking Dead" Episode 3 Recap: Tell It to the Frogs
I think you know what this is all about! 

4. AMC's "The Walking Dead" Episode 4 Recap: Vatos!
This is my recap of the most recent Walking Dead episode. It was a doozy. That's a paraphrase from the article itself. 

5. "Gossip Girl" Exiles Taylor Momsen; In Her Own Universe, Blair Waldorf Feels a Pleasant Shudder
BOO-YAH!!!

And in the meantime, is everyone watching Glory Daze on tbs? I recommend it, and also I recommend Stankowski. He's a great new television character! Fin. 

 

Sometimes You've Got To Ask Yourself Why, Though

Q: Becky! Shouldn't you have written like two other things by now? Probably a gossip girl and then also you wanted to watch the Anne Hathaway snl so you could write about that one in the hopes that it's excellent? I mean it's already gossip girl night right now, again! What are you doing, Beck?

A: Eating as many Thanksgiving sandwiches as humanly possible

That Robot Everyone Said I Made Up

Every few months I find myself trying desperately to describe a particularly obscure robot. "No no no, you remember him," I plead with friends. "He lives in the basement and he has videotape ribbon for hair and I think he looks sort of like Short Circuit? But he talks more like Screech's robot butler. Do you know the one I'm talking about?" Understandably, the answer is always no. No one remembers this robot that would say cool slang things and drink soda pop and stuff. How could they? He hasn't been on tv for 20 years!

But thanks to a recent article I read about fictional robots, D.E.C.K.S. rolled right back into my life. It turns out that he DID exist, and he was on a show called Wake, Rattle, and Roll (until it became Jump, Rattle, and Roll). His best friend was a shaggy haired kid named Sam Baxter (played by R.J. Williams, who went on to work at Full House as DJ's crush, the paperboy). The two best friends would show cartoons to me, their adoring fan, and occasionally call up the stairs from the basement to wherever their mom was yelling about something. Classic!

Upon further research, I'm finding that they had a time machine in their basement but would only rarely use it. Also, D.E.C.K.S. stands for Digital Electronic Cassette-Headed Kinetic System, which is hilarious.

It wasn't just a crazy cassette-headed dream! He did exist!

Various Thoughts On Recent SNLs

So it's public knowledge by now that I found last night's episode of SNL to be actually bad. And I'm never the person saying that SNL was bad. AND I'm never the person who's like "I never think blah but tonight I thought blah." Well, sometimes I am but not so much that you shouldn't take this really seriously.

I've been a fan for so long, for so many punishing years of Nancy Walls and Finesse Mitchell and Melanie Hutsell, and I don't think I've ever been driven to declare an episode totally useless. The cast is usually enough to save the night from total disaster, and if you're lucky there could be an oddball digital short that could turn out to be amazing. But what happened last night? Scarlett Johansson slipped gracelessly between her go-to deadpan-without-any-actual-humor ScarJo persona and a "Millionaire Matchmaker" (but not really at all, since the Millionaire Matchmaker actually sounds like something) fake miserable "New York" "accent." But we all knew she was going to be the lame part of the episode. That's not a surprise. What's a surprise is that the writers apparently let her come up with all the sketches. "Broken Knee Middle School" and "Ceramic Busts" were barely even recognizable as snl sketches (well, the ceramic busts thing is basically on every week, but this time it lacked that certain quality of having funny lines occasionally). Vanessa Bayer managed to be hilarious during "Stars of Tomorrow," even though it was clearly brought in because the writers realized that ScarJo could really only do that little-girl-bad-actress act in the first place (badly). The monologue was delivered so miserably, I could hear John Mulaney writing the lines and then crying them out into the toilet at the same time. God, what a shit show. Oh how horrible.

Other recent SNL topics I wanted to talk about:

1. The return of Shy Ronnie: I TOLD YOU!  In January I had declared that watching the evolution of the Shy Ronnie character was similar to reading John Irving novels. He's getting there...Samberg's got his main character worked out...he knows vaguely what he wants the guy to be doing...he's going to Vienna again...wrestling...Exeter...and there's a dancing bear ok we're done.

To talk more about Shy Ronnie 2.0, I'd say that I enjoyed seeing Ronnie try out a new situation - in this case, bank robbing. It's how he learns to utilize that mouse-quiet-then-gangsta-screamin rap talent. Next it will be him babysitting some children. Mark my words? Either way, it's very exciting to be watching this happen as we watch. Usually these things come into the world fully-formed, but this time we get to watch it find its way. I think that is very good.

2. Hmm, what else has been going on? Let's see, I loved Emma Stone - especially in the "Ta Douleur" French sketch - but was not that "I Broke My Arm" thing the exact same as "Broken Knee Dork Kids?" I still need to finish watching the Jon Hamm episode and I don't think I saw any of the Jane Lynch one. I remember liking Bryan Cranston, and Vanessa Bayer's Miley impression really grew on me throughout the sketch.

3. I'm glad Snooki (and thus Bobby Moynihan) is still around. My roommates and I just added her to our pencil height-chart on the post next to our door. She's a proud 3'6" but the poof brings her just over 5'. T-shirt time!

It's hard for me to write such a negative post about SNL because I can't imagine what I would have done with Scarlett Reynolds if it were me in that writers room. It would be pretty unfair to complain without also offering up new ideas, so here's the best I can do:
a. have Scarlett Johansson play the legs in some sort of magician's act sketch
b. have Scarlett Johansson just open and close her mouth while someone speaks her lines for an entire sketch (that way it can serve some different set-ups - like a marionette or a woman who lost her voice - but also it will be a little bit meta)
c. have Scarlett Johansson try to dance something
d. have Scarlett Johansson play a wax figurine
e. have Scarlett Johansson play a femme fatale in a noir sketch
f. have Scarlett Johansson stuff her face with food for an entire sketch

Oh man that was exhausting. And if you're Scarlett Johansson reading this, I'm sorry I just did all that in public. That's not really fair either. Here, tell you what - I don't brush my teeth as often as I should. That's something about me that's not great.

Wow

That was easily the worst Saturday Night Live I have ever seen in my life. And it's all thanks to Scarlett Johansson.

I should probably collect my thoughts and write an actual recap, but until then, IS THIS ENOUGH PROOF FOR YOU? THAT SCARLETT JOHANSSON IS TERRIBLE? WHAT WILL BE????

Money Clicks!

Dear fandom,

I've written 4 new articles this month! If you click through to them, you'll be helping me earn a little spare change for these cold winter months. Oh won't you please help with the spare change? I'd be more than happy to repay you by continuing to post hilarious material on the internet. Do we have a deal?

1. AMC's "The Walking Dead" Recap: Half-Zombies and Half-Seasons
This is my recap of the first episode of AMC's new tremendously scary zombie show. As you can see from my following articles, it turns out I like it a lot.

2. How I Met Your Mother Recap: Canning Randy
This is another himym recap, tailored to your exact interests in the show. Will Forte made a guest appearance in this one. See? I get you.

3. The Walking Dead Ep. 2: A Video Interview with Andrew Lincoln
This is a video interview with Andrew Lincoln (Rick Grimes, main character of The Walking Dead) about what episode 2 has in store. We're gonna meet an Asian!

4. AMC's "The Walking Dead" Google Map Tells You Exactly Where Not to Go (Spoiler Alert!)
This is a hilarious map that someone meticulously crafted based on every event from The Walking Dead comic books issues #1-78. Unfortunately for me, I couldn't really read much of the map because I wanted to shoot for minimal spoilers. I already know too much.

So there you go. If you click them, they will come. The cash, that is!

It's Blair's Birthday And No One Is Allowed To Cry

In the words of whomever it was that said "Things are happening!!!" in that sing-songy way that time in whichever movie/tv show it was, things are happening(!!!) on Gossip Girl. I couldn't watch Monday's episode until tonight, which was quite a challenge in an apartment of one television and five roommates on Election Night. But still, I made it. And it's all for you! PS who ended up winning the House? JK Rowling, I know who won. And it wasn't anyone who would approve of Gossip Girl, that's for sure.

PS Did you see Christine O'Donnell's "concession" speech? Where she recounted the list of demands she gave to Senator-elect Coons over the phone? Dummy Alert! You can't make demands when you lose! Even babies know that. Even BABIES!!!!!!

Ok, here is what struck me as notable in this week's episode:

• I'm not sure if you could say it was a directorial decision, an editing decision, or a cinematographical decision, but something was up with the whacked-out sex scenes that bookended this week's episode. We start off with Serena and Professor Colinsby slurring words and losing ocular focus for the entirety of an office hour...because they're so lusty? I applaud the way the show embraces visual innovation and I can appreciate the attempt, but this was a clunker. It didn't make sense. If I felt the way it looked like Serena felt, I would be throwing up that Hungarian coffee all over my bra-dress before I even thought about kissing the teacher. But that could just be me. The episode ends with a remix version of Chuck and Blair going for it (Hate Shtups, what did I tell you!). Now that I think about it, it makes sense that this vitriolic duo would get back together in the style of a remix. Bc they're remixing, you see? Buh-buh-ba-Blair! Ch-ch-chuh-Chuck! Hay-ha-hay-hay-HATE SHTUPS!
• According to Josh, "Dorota is like a living stuffed animal that's been blair's best friend forever." I feel that this is 100% correct.
• Holy crap, the Humphrey-VDW men have finally thrown an official clothing swap. As Rufus, Dan, and Eric walk down the sidewalk, it's perfectly clear that they've all shifted their outfits to the right. How else would Rufus wear denim chinos and a crisp navy sweater?

"It just seemed natural that the Humphrey men trade clothes every once in a while."

• Why anyone would try as hard as Dan is trying to get Jenny back when she just left is beyond me.
• REALLY, Serena and Nate came up with the idea to write out a PEACE TREATY between Blair and Chuck, REALLY. In the cleared-out dining room of DANIEL, apparently. REALLY.

REALLY.

• Haha, a provision of the treaty is NO TOUCHING! Did Mitch Hurwitz guest-write this one?
• Oh no, Dan and Eric attempting to out-scheme Chuck and Blair = if the scene from The Little Mermaid where Flounder gets chased by a HUGE shark did not end with said shark getting caught in that gigantic chain.
• Columbia Reality Meter: Serena runs into CryptKeeperJuliet right outside the 116th subway station, two steps away from Ollie's. Bingo! However, if I saw all those blazers at that corner, I would go find some eggs to buy because guess what, it's finally time to start egging people like this. "Blazers are dumb and that's no yolk!" Thank you.
• Serena's "favorite" "book" "is" "The Beautiful and the Damned." HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
• I'm still flabbergasted that anyone would even speak to CKJ after what she pulled at Fashion's Night Out. Apparently Serena is grateful to her for framing Vanessa for her spicy teacher-sexts, but come on. Blair would have done that for Serena even in the midst of a huge blowout.
• Dan steals a contract from dumb ol' Nate even though they're best friends. Classic Dan, NOT. Classic Dan would have berated himself if he could only see him now.
• Poor Blair and these filthy gladiolas in the cabbage roses. Will no one even TRY to understand?
• Rachel Zoe, who cares.

Although she did deliver "I. Die." very well.

• It's always a pleasure when Nelly Yuki comes up. One of the minions thinks the impromptu video screening at Blair's party will be a "Nelly Yuki snuff film." Oh, minions. Nelly Yuki could out-minion them all, and you know it's true because she's long gone.
• Despite herself, Serena can't stop wearing clothes that say "Professor Colinsworth, anytime is a good time for me!" (see: mile-high skirt slit) Maybe this actually was one of her more demure dresses. It looks like somebody needs a Dorota in her life.

"I'm not sure why I'm upset but I have to touch my leg right now and things should be fine soon enough."

• When Blair accuses Chuck of showing her embarrassing video, he retorts with "You really believe that?!" UM, YEAH, WELCOME TO BASSHATYLVANIA, WHICH YOU FOUNDED
• Ok, time to make sense of CKJ's ultimate plan:
• Based on this prison phone call, it looks like Colin is only in cahoots with CKJ because he's paying her way through college and no one can know that it's happening because he's a faculty member and they're cousins. This doesn't make sense but ok.
• Based on Professor Colington's white hot rage, it's bad news for Juliet to be talking to Ben again, who is either her brother or another cousin (since Ben referred to Prof. Col. as their cousin).
• Based on my knowledge of SVU, it looks like we are in for a wild ride. If it turns out they were in foster care together, it's all over!
• I still have no idea what any of this has to do with Serena.

• When is Rufus going to get that Father of the Year award already? He's judging Dan like whoa for one screw-up, then deciding that Dan has actually done nothing wrong when he sees all these flower paper craps strewn about the VDW living room. And I quote: "Maybe there's a little Humphrey left in him after all," says Rufus to his wife, Lily (not a Humphrey). RUFUS, GO VISIT VANESSA AND STAY THERE PLEASE
• Oh no, what is Vanessa doing back here?!?!?!?! Why is she going into a room as though she still lives in the loft? No, no, no, I think it's getting pretty late and you should probably catch that Chinatown bus back to hippieville, Vanessa. Probably you should do that right away, like right this minute.
• Oh man, Dr. Colintooth believes that Serena is a "great teacher." Tell me he's not tenured.

And so concludes another episode of Hate Shtups. That's right, "Hate Shtups" went from being the name of this episode to the name of the whole series. Because that's all that matters at this point. Rufus's parenting style, meaningless. The return of Vanessa, forgettable. The only thing that anyone wants to see anymore is hate shtups, hate shtups, hate shtups, and it looks like next week's episode will be just that. Chuck & Blair's Hate Shtups, the saga continues!

Honey Ice Cream

A month and a half ago, I made dessert for Rosh Hashana dinner at Grandma Bobbie's house. I went with apple pie and honey ice cream, and it was my first time making both. Here's how it went!

I found the recipe on a website called Pinkbites.com. What I liked about it was that it used only four ingredients, and its only sweetener was the honey, itself. Here are the ingredients:

 

 "We are half-and-half, whole milk, four egg yolks, and honey! (We are best friends)"

I cooked up the milks until they started to simmer, then tempered the eggs and honey with them. At that point the ice cream officially became custard! 

 "I still need to thicken up, but in the meantime I really like your cds, bro!"

Here's the recipe, lifted straight out of the pinkbites page:

Pure Honey Ice Cream Recipe:
You will need:
4 egg yolks
2/3 cup of pure honey
1 1/2 cups of half-and-half
1 1/2 cup of whole milk
a pinch of salt
Bring the cream and the milk to a simmer, do not let it boil. While the cream mixture warms up, whisk the yolks, honey and salt together until pale and fluffy.
Slowly incorporate the warm cream mixture into the eggs, one ladle full at the time, whisking vigorously. Return the egg and cream mix to the stove and cook over low heat, stirring often with a wooden spoon. Do not let it boil. The custard is ready when it is thick enough to coat the back of the spoon and leaves a clear trail if you pass your finger on it.
Cool custard completely in the fridge before putting in the ice cream maker. Follow instructions of your ice cream machine.


I can't find the picture I took of my finished ice cream, so here's the picture from the pinkbites page:

"We looked basically the exact same."

And here's a picture of the pie I served it with:

"I come from a Cooking Light recipe. But what's REALLY great about me is that I'm the first apple pie Becky's ever made. And I think I turned out pretty good."

Oh man I just found my picture! But I'm leaving the other one because it's prettier:

 

"But I still look pretty good."

My Newest Gig

May I have your attention, America:

I now have a job writing articles (for money!) at gather.com. I'm planning on posting a link for every article I write, and I'm asking you to click on those links so that: (1) you can read my hilarious stuff that's legally obligated not to appear here and (b) I can make some money! (it's based on page views, obviously, you know that, I know you know, I was just saying just in case, etc)

So far I have written 3 masterpieces:

1. How I Met Your Mother Recap: Baby Talk
An in-depth look at not only Monday's episode (6.6 "Baby Talk") but also Ted's quest for The Mother on a larger scale.

2. Gossip Girl's Blake Lively & Penn Badgley Break Up - And What It Means for Gossip Girl
A speculative journey into the fabulous teen soap's dating dramas - onstage and off.

3. Halloween Costumes for the Entertainment-Minded 
How to dress like one of your favorite characters from film, television, or music without being too blah. 

I still plan on writing my more hilarious posts here, where the blogging guidelines work a lot more like Calvinball. So don't worry about that - Becklectic Takes Manhattan is here to stay! At least until it moves away or dies, whichever happens first.

Chuck Bass De Sade

After months of waiting, Gossip Girl finally opened Monday's episode with one of Blair's gratuitous me-as-Audrey-Hepburn dreams. FINALLY! And just as Blair's ugly side has nothing to do with Audrey Hepburn at all, the rest of the GG team has ugly sides that are getting to be unavoidable. Serena's so..."accessible," she's dating a known womanizer/known faculty member THE WEEK AFTER the dean told her to stop being so flirty with professors. Nate's so not unstupid, he's only
starting to get suspicious of Juliet's one million lies. Blair and Chuck are so self-absorbed, neither of them remembers that it was actually Chuck who screwed up so much at the end of last season - shouldn't Blair feel more self-righteous about her ex-boyfriend (who sold her to get back his hotel, cheated on her with her arch nemesis, and then pretended to be dead) trying to ruin her so hard? Looks like Ugliness was the name of the evening, as embodied by any piece of clothing Jenny Humphrey has ever designed.

What I Thought:

• Amazingly, Serena wastes no time in finding a blue business shirt/business-shirt-style-pajamas at any new lover's apartment. Is this really his apartment, by the way? Because, as we know from the end of the episode, he's not exactly who he says he is...even if he does own a co-op and work permanently as a faculty member at Columbia University.
• Columbia Reality Meter: Nate wants to get breakfast at Tom's with Juliet. That is, he wants to go to Tom's and have the brittle old Greek waitresses bark at Juliet while she tries in vain to order a hundred cups of coffee at once. Classic CU!
• Is it just me, or does Chuck go to more classes than any of the rest of them? And he's not technically in college...right?
• I know I should've given up on this question a long time ago, and I did, but now it's back: How on earth did all these kids make it into Ivy League schools? How did Serena make it into two of them? Yes, these people are rich. They're unearthily rich. But there are tons of schools that you have to be rich to afford that do not require their applicants to be the geniuses of their prep schools, right?! Because what kind of grades did Serena really make, really? I'm not trying to say "Hardee har, dumb old Serena could never hack it there." I'm trying to say "I didn't think Serena was the type of student in high school who would even want to go to an Ivy League." Then again, it's a tv show. A soapy tv show. So let them all transfer to Harvard next year and I'll deal with it silently in my room.
• Jenny: "Parsons is like 100 blocks away-" Blair: "SEMANTICS! You were banished!" Oh, Blair. Is that semantics? Let's face it, anything Blair doesn't want to hear is semantics.
• Surprise surprise, Juliet's wearing another blazer ensemble in gray/neutral/beige. Coming from a costume designer who recently declared Blake Lively as the Jackie O of our generation, I totally get it. I get it.
• Blair is the best despot ever: "Yours is not to wonder why/ Yours is to do or die. GO!"
• Chuck sneaks off with Jenny's portfolio, then stands around his hotel suite in a silk robe waiting for her to come fetch it. Was his master plan to have Blair walk in on them sleeping together again? Or does he just set up situations (while wearing silk robes) where a number of things could happen, but each possibility will piss off Blair? It's senseless to ask. Chuck's brainwaves are clearly like "$$$$$Blair$$Fleur$$$$she'll wear a silk dress$$$$no that would look better on me$$$$I might as well grab this portfolio$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzhookers!$$"
• Vanya, you old Heavyweight!
• Wow, Dan really went into Big Brother mode this episode. He waits outside Parsons for Jenny to finish her interview. He guards Jenny on the sidewalk so these khaki-floppy-red-bow freaks won't descend on her. What a great big brother! He cain't even halp it none!
• Remember last year when Jenny was nonstop trying to get the best of Serena? Well, against all odds, Serena does.
• But not without swinging by Lily's pad first to say "Mummy, I came by to raid your jewelry box!!"

• Let's face it, Lily was the Master of Reverse Psychology before she ever read about it in Colin's magical book. Somehow, she always knows the exact wrong thing to say - she's always like "I'm so proud that I think you're doing the opposite of what you're actually doing." That's like, super-mega passive aggressive reverse psychology. "I'm afraid you'd have to correct me in order to tell me the truth, which will make you feel even worse. Now let's raid my jewelry box!"
• Tim Gunn, I don't care what you do or say. Just be on my tv screen always.

• When I saw Chuck waltz into the party, I was pretty sure he had two non-sister identical models on his arms. Now THAT'S what I'd call Classic Chuck, until the other recaps started referencing the models as actual twins. I can't get confirmation from imdb either way. Real twins would not be pure Classic Chuck.
• Obviously Tim can arrange for another interview for Jenny. Tim Gunn is the man of a thousand chances.
• It's rough to hear about Nate's dad getting shanked and everything, but remember how miserable he was in season 1? I'm not saying anyone deserves to get shanked. But would you feel that bad if Georgina got non-fatally shanked?
• Isaac Mizrahi, what are you doing here?!?! This season of GG has even more celebrities than ANTM!

• I think Chuck has seriously misjudged how much punishment Blair deserves. What is he, the Marquis de Sade? Just trap her on a platform on a sunny day and be done with it! SHEESH!
• Chuck to Blair: "I warned you I wouldn't stop!" Fair enough, he did warn her.

And true to form, Chuck never stopped. It looks like next week, Chuck won't be stopping for anything. But he will likely be shtupping. Shtupping Blair, that is. Next week's episode: "Hate-Shtups!"