Gossip Girl Recap "The Princesses & The Frog"

Or, "Rich Kids & What's Been Going On With Them for the Past Three Weeks, Like for Instance Did They Know About the Royal Wedding or Osama bin Laden?"

The Upper East Side has had a ridiculous few weeks: Blair and Dan (Humpdorf) very nearly opened a hellmouth by kissing each other. Lily's under house arrest. Serena's hiding her cleavage for some reason. And last but always least, Vanessa is skulking around bookstores dressed like Depressed Navajo Cyndi Lauper, looking for more ways to ruin things. Oh, AND THERE'S A NEW COUSIN!!

One Pair of Matching Bookends, Different as Night & Day (Identical Cousins!)

• A few weeks ago, we met Serena's country-mouse cousin Charlie when she ran away from suburbia to seek family fortune. Serena immediately falls in love with her, and they go shopping FOREVER. With cousins, sometimes things just fall right into place. Things like going shopping!!!
• Charlie's staying on the UES despite her mother's return to I don't know, Florida or something. Now officially a resident, Charlie is the newest member of the gang.  I'm honestly shocked that they don't ship her down to the loft immediately and be like "We prefer...a buffer system for new people. You understand."
• HOWEVER, during last night's episode, things got spicy: Vanessa creeps up on Charlie at a bookstore, but only to let her know that (a) she CAN and (b) she wants Dan not to end up with Blair, who stars as Satan in Vanessa's Inferno every night in her dreams. Charlie's like "Ok, I'm glad we're such fast friends!" but then does one of those weird Gossip Girl things where she sets up a very fancy party but it's socially WRONG but it's ok that she's humiliated because it was all just a scheme to get Dan. You know, just one of those weird things.
• And so Charlie pursues Dan like crazy, even though she knows from experience that Serena doesn't like other people dating him. Nevertheless, Charlie goes all out, quoting an African click language during afternoon coffee with him. Next thing you know she'll be suggesting kissing practice and a Godard triple-feature. He's a man of worldly tastes, after all.
• I guess this whole Charlie thing is going in one of two potential directions: Either she's a new bad guy that will have to be taken down by the gang in an awkward intra-family ploy, OR she's a new only-mean-to-Vanessa bad guy who will dole out the justice Barbie Dreds so deserves. As in, Vanessa may have thought Blair was bad, but at least Blair has other things to focus on besides systematically dismantling her life. Welcome, Charlie!

Prince Louis Grimaldi of Monaco, Fake Grandson of Grace Kelly

• The Humpdorf Kiss laid down a few new truths: Blair doesn't like Dan at all, but maybe Dan likes her. The good news is that it truly doesn't matter who Dan likes - that never affects anything about the show. So we're in the clear!
• Blair thinks she might want Chuck instead, but since he's falling apart about Raina's mom's fire-murder, he's back to his old coke 'n' Dewars breakfast routine. Not a good match for American royalty such as Blair, at least not in public.
• And so there is no one left but Prince Louis, who has patiently waited 7 months for this opportunity to give Blair back the shoe she left behind at the Louvre. BUT OH NO, WAIT. His mom, Princess Sophie, does not approve of Blair's Fat American Indiscretions. It seems some leggy blonde has sent her print-outs of Gossip Girl's blog archives. Blast! (literally, like a GG blast)
  
• Not to mention, Chuck basically drunk-drives himself through the cocktail party where Blair has one opportunity to impress Princess Sophie. Sloppy Chuck, what are you doing here? I thought we left you on the roof right after your dad died and you did a tap dance up there on the ledge.
• This cocktail party, by the way, smacks of Blair and Chuck's favorite scheme: Invite a lower-class potential threat to a very fancy party and watch as the humiliation unfolds! Is someone playing this trick on Blair? Is Serena actually a complete mastermind of Blair psychology? Is this what happens when she covers up her decolletage for a few weeks in a row? Serena, your brains are showing!
• All chances ruined, Blair has no hope of becoming Princess of Monaco. But Louis proposes anyway and (it seems) is prepared to abdicate the throne...for a girl he's known for 5 days, the first 2 of which were particularly bitchy. IF YOU INSIST, PRINCE!

Chuck Noir, as done by Andrew McCarthy

• Wikipedia tells me that Andrew McCarthy, Jonathan Switcher HIMSELF, directed this episode. This is worth knowing because last night's Chuck plotline got a full-on Dutch Angle treatment. Chuck's life is now a hopelessly stark film noir, and he'll punch out windows to prove it. Slash do a lot more coke.
• He's trying to cover up the fact that it looks more and more likely that Bart Bass killed Raina's mother decades ago. There are a few things he's not considering: (a) no one cares anymore about what happened in Bart Bass's life, (b) no one assumes Chuck had anything to do with it anyways and (c) this makes it seem like Chuck actually cares what Raina thinks about anything. What would she do if she found out, bring him up on his father's criminal charges? Tell Nate to stop hanging out with him? Kill him? I think, in a way, Chuck wants all these things anyway.
• But that doesn't stop him from putting his fist through a VERY expensive window and accidentally cutting Blair's face with a teensy $1,000 shard of glass. Yes, cutting up Blair's face with glass seems like a much more reasonable option than revealing the totally inconsequential truth about Raina's mother's purported death. Business school be damned! Chuck never needed you! He's smart enough on his own!

Miscellany Delaney

• Maybe Fleur Delacour should come back from Paris and marry Prince Louis! Josh's friend Sarah brought that up and I think that could easily be the hugest stroke of brilliance this show has ever had. I will be waiting for that in the finale.
• Dan trying to let Charlie down easy is hilarious - he's clearly proud of his new allure, but he's also tripping over ottomans left and right just to escape the apartment before she arrives. "Study group!" he says with a plastered-on smile and terrified eyes as he somersaults over Eric. "It'll be ok!"
• While under house arrest, Lily finds that all her society friends are (not-so) secretly laughing at her. It's just like high school, but instead of arranging a multi-part take-down of Nate's bitchy mom, Lily just kicks everyone out of her house. Even the breast cancer fundraisers. "GET OUTTTTTTTTT," she bellows from behind the cops. Ah, to be middle-aged and fancy!

It looks like there are two more episodes left in the season. Let us hope that Blair's face heals, that Lily's ankle monitor breaks, that Charlie's plan works, that Rufus's band breaks up, that Chuck kills Raina in a fit of repetition, and that Vanessa gets trapped in her inferno forever.