Gossip Girl Recap: "The Wrong Goodbye"

Once again it's time for the Gossip Kidz to part ways for the summer, leaving us behind in stinky old touristy New York. But before they jet away, they must undergo one final test - a crucible, if you will. They must chase Raina out of NYC before she borings it up so much that no one can undo what has been done.

The Near-Defenestration of Cousin Charles

• The episode opens on Vanessa and Serena discussing Cousin Charlie's crazy past. She had "SWFed" her college roommate, so now obviously she's "The Roommating" her cousin. When done to Serena, this can also be called "Julietting."
• At the Constance Billard Alumni Prom, Cousin Charlie finds a bottle of booze, leaves the pourer thingmajig on, and walks into the middle of the ballroom to start crazy dancing and to pour thin streams of vodka down her gullet. When Dan walks in, she's like "Thanks for leading me on for weeks on end! You're worse than my cousin...I mean me!" and he's like "Actually, remember the very first thing I told you? Where I was like 'we shouldn't date'?" And she's like "It's these pills and the booze, I need a window!" So Georgina's like "Here's one" and Dan is like "So what's the story on that vodka, can I have it?" because he's reading Tolstoy at the moment.
• When Serena finally figures out that Cousin Charlie is trying to kill herself, she thrusts open the doors of the topmost room at Constance. Just inside, Cousin Charlie thrusts open the window. It's actually a pretty great SWF shot. 
• Serena pretends to be a self-absorbed therapist until Cousin Charlie relents and scoots off the window sill to give her a great big hug. They're saved! BUT WAIT! Charlie calls someone to say they all bought it, those morons. Georgina obviously overhears and is like "let's you and me have some talks." Then later, when Charlie gets off the bus in Florida, her "mother" turns out just to have hired her so the van der Woodsens can NEVER get their filthy paws on the real Charlie! ...Cece doesn't know what her own granddaughter looks like?
• And Serena goes to the coast and is immediately offered a script reading internship for pretending that she's read some Fitzgerald book or whatever. She'll probably get paid for it, too.

Bluck, the Star-Crossed Rich People in Love

• Last episode, Montel had Blair trapped on what I thought was Constance Billard's roof. This episode tells us that he was actually in the basement of some building in Brooklyn, heavily suggesting that Blair sit in the lone wooden chair.
• Thanks to some creative pocket dialing, Chuck comes to the rescue with Raina and Nate in tow. Raina brilliantly grabs the lighter out of her maniacal father's hands as police sirens come in from afar! One more second and this place woulda BLOWN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
• So naturally, Blair and Chuck celebrate by ditching Nate and Raina and crashing a bar mitzvah. As Adele's "Rolling in the Deep" plays, Bluck dance the hora, get lifted in chairs, and find some weird tented back room to hook up in (why weren't there 7th graders in there?). It's like one of those long, melancholic dreams that carry with them possibly the hardest residual dreamotions to shake. 
• The good news is: THEY MADE A BABY DURING IT!!!!!!!!!!!! Maybe. Oh, and Chuck paid off the Bar Mitzvah so no harm no foul.
• Although Blair decides to go with Chuck, it's a bleak and depressing decision. So bleak, it registers even on Chuck's radar as unpleasant. And so he gives her away to the prince, sealing her definite future as a princess of Monaco, never to break up or divorce ever again.
• Why is the prince so ok with letting Blair chase Chuck out of buildings so often? She has never chased the prince anywhere.
• Aw, when Chuck explains his stuff to Nate, he acknowledges the fact that he left the Empire State Building after only 2 minutes last year while the prince just waited all freaking night. GREAT SCOTT! HE KNOWS! The music that plays during this scene makes me want to barf and cry on a rainy day.
• At least Blair and Dan will remain movie buddies. That's all I wanted!!!!
• Did I mention that Chuck and Blair MADE A BABY? We're supposed to be in the dark about whether the pregnancy test is hers or Serena's, but c'mon.

NO VANESSAS CLUB

• Blah blah, Vanessa barges into the loft and finds Dan's manuscript, Inside. Which would only be made better if it were called "Insider" because then you've gone the whole way with the title pun that's clearly about Serena. Insider? I just met her!
• Vanessa thinks all artists have to be outsiders and shit on people and never be happy. Sure, that's correct, but you don't have to say it like that or even acknowledge it at all. Better that way!
• So even though Dan tells her to drop it and leave, she takes it straight to a publisher and adjusts the author to "Anonymous." Then she's going to Barcelona and she wants all the checks sent there. Wow, what a non-issue that will be next season.
• In the meantime, Dan and Eric will gay up the Hamptons together.

Georgina's Zinginas

• "I haven't been this bored since I believed in Jesus."
• "I'm sorry, she's part of the game and I'm not?!"
• (There were more, but I was laughing too hard to write them down I guess)

And there we have it, a pregnancy that's not Lily's and an upcoming season without Jenny or Vanessa. CHA CHANG!