"The Situation secretly gathers information to bring down one of his roommates -- and for once it isn't Snooki. JWOWW freaks out when Roger disappears and doesn't return her calls."As we all know, the Jwoww piece is unfortunately accurate. But the part about Situation gathering secret info on a roommate? What kind of information could this brain-damaged meathead possibly be gathering? How to discern what a wall is made of before crashing one's head into it? Upon further reflection, I realize that Wikipedia is talking about the blossoming relationship between Deena's sister and Mike's brother. That's right, folks, they're going to be in-laws. Wacky, brain damaged, guido in-laws. When you're here, you're family!
We first see Jenni moping on the little balcony where Ronnie and Sammi used to have their famous mattress-throwing fights. They weren't in last night's episode, so I'm assuming they've taken a long weekend at Foxwood's. Jwoww is moping because she hasn't seen her boyfriend, Roger, in a while. You know what that means: it's time to dump him and start dating Pauly D!!!!!!! Right?!!!!
I have been waiting years for Jenni and Pauly D to finish the night of passion they started way back in season 1. They were clearly attracted to each other, and the more I've seen of them, the more I see what a great couple they'd make. She's responsible, he's fun. She's capable of having a crazy night, he's capable of turning his zaniness down to whatever the appropriate level is. She's a guidette, he's a guido. How much math do we have to sit around and do here?
That night, Vinny meets two girls and has Deena keep one warm for him while he walks the other one (a lesbian) home. It's a fine and good thing for Deena to be "definitely the best wing woman ever," but it's another thing entirely to watch Vinny's dark side bleeding its way onto Deena's soul. Don't turn her into a sleaze, Vin. Just 'cause you couldn't save yourself, don't drag her down with you.
Back at home, Vinny and Pauly D have sex with girls in the same room. You'd think they might put music on or something, but they don't. It's just breathy sighs and crumpling blankets, all night, disgustingly close to each other. I am nearing complete disenchantment with Vinny.
Jenni gets a call from Roger, and he immediately accuses her of playing games. He'd taken the day off and didn't tell her, and right about now he doesn't much care for her hesitance to respond. This is game-playing, and it is worse than anything he's ever done. SO KEEP YOURSELF IN LINE, JWOWW. She goes off and cries somewhere.
Snooki half-heartedly goes looking for "a therapist and an AA meeting," but she stops when she finds a hammock on the roof, instead. She then does her patented hammock routine, in which she falls right out and remains sprawled on the ground until someone finds her. This time there's even a little sun-shaming: "It's so bright out. I hate you, sun."
Roger calls the house again to tell Jwoww he's going to be late for their date. He asks if she wants to "reschedule." It's perfectly clear to me that if he's using language like this, he isn't interested in dating anymore. And yet this will drag on, causing our beloved Jenni more grief and grabbing up more screen time for a bloated, sunburnt hedgehog.
Pauly and the Meatballs go to work, but because the air conditioner is out, the girls quickly skip out on their shift. Snooki starts "the Follow Game," which is where one short girl follows another short girl on a winding path through the store until they both end up at a bar with their panties on just one leg each. Eventually their boss finds them underneath a ping pong table in the bar. They evade him again by jumping into a stranger's bachelorette party.
At this point in the episode, I realize that I've spent the last five minutes fantasizing about winning the lottery. Power Ball is over $300 million, and that's all the convincing I need. I can't wait to win the lottery!!!!!!!!!! I'M GONNA HAVE SO MUCH $$$$$!!!!
Mike says something about being "nothing but nice," and I'm confused because I thought that was the name of last week's episode. Also, it's totally untrue -- Mike has never been anything but brain-damaged. I know, I know, the brain damage had a definite start point from that fight in Italy, but come on. It's the perfect explanation for all of his issues. His brain is, quite simply, damaged. At any rate, Snooki and Deena want to hang out with him. They go to a club with him and come home early zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
While Pauly and Vinny do a pool hall double-date, a mysterious girl in yellow stands off to the side, watching them. Vinny singles her out as Pauly's new stalker, although technically, everyone in Seaside Heights is currently stalking the cast. Vinny calls her over and then abandons Pauly with her, laughing all the way to the bar to get another Roy Rogers. Pauly makes weak conversation for a minute before leaving as well. Guys, just because her eyes are sunken and her nose is upturned doesn't mean she's a threat to your personal safety. This is more behavior that explains what I don't like about Pauly and Vinny.
The next morning, Deena calls Bossman Danny to apologize. Does she honestly think she could lose her job at the Shore Store? Their stock value has triple-thousanded since Jersey Shore started. It's cute, though. Meanwhile, Deena's counterpart gets stuck in a box on the roof.
There's way more talk of Deena's sister and Sitch's brother. I guess it's supposed to be interesting, but guys, I DON'T CARE. I don't care about two people I haven't even seen yet. I would only BARELY care if Sitch's SISTER was the one hooking up with Deena's sister, and that's only because I've SEEN her once or twice.
Unfortunately Deena's sister doesn't know any of this, so she calls the house. Blah blah blah, she talks to Situation for a while. He tells her he's not "the devil." What a brain-damaged reference to make.
After all this boring stuff, Pauly and Vinny run into Roger at their gym. He tells them he's not going to "kiss anyone's ass" because he's "not a little kid." The guys agree with Roger's assertions and go home to tell Jenni what they think. It ends with her calling Roger to apologize.
I'd be upset about this chain of events if I weren't pretty sure that what happens next will help Jenni get started on her journey to Pauly D's heart. Roger reams her out for acting like he doesn't "treat her like gold." As everyone knows, a guido earns a certain permanent quality of "goodness" when he does something good once. It is unacceptable to point out something "bad" that they did, when they are clearly so "good." There is no room for complexity in this situation. No sir, no room at the inn.
Next week: Roger gets back into Jenni's good graces by punching out some dude. We'll see, Rog. Until then, you're still a helium-filled Sonic the Hedgehog balloon to me.
all photos courtesy mtv.com
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