18 February 2012

Love, Seasidian Style

This week's Jersey Shore recap, a day too late and a dollar too short, is coming to you live from the Bahamas on this fine Saturday afternoon!!!!!!!!!! J/k, it is coming to you from my couch where I was just watching the Whitney Houston funeral. Nothing will make sense from this point on. Just getting you ready.

Roger and Jenni's phone call rages on, but by now, everyone in the house has swung over to Roger's side. Jenni really is being too dramatic about the fact that Roger hates being with her. She's raking him through the coals, and he really doesn't need these games, so he asks her "where they stand" a bunch of times. This is adult guido behavior, and it is meet and right. Also, it is a subconscious widespread ploy to keep The Guidette down, you know that's true.

The Meatballs make a cake, this time to apologize to Boss Danny for all their misbehavior. After an hour or so, they realize they forgot to put it in the oven. Snooki carries the batter-filled cake pan like a toddler wearing high heels. I am shocked that nothing spills.

The next morning, Ronnie notices that someone has taken a corner piece out of the perfect, saran-wrapped cake. Everyone immediately assumes it was Situation, which is extremely likely based on that trick he pulled in Italy with the fake non-phone call. And when everyone gets mad at him, yet again, he's like "I told you!!" I believe he wishes he had taken a bite out of his own apology cake. Too bad that'll never get baked.


Danny shares the cake with the gang at the Shore Store and shoves cake right into Deena's face. This is why Jersey Shore is different from the various Kardashian shows -- the former comes up laughing with crap all over her face, whereas the latter cries and freaks out at you for doing that. It's not controlledly beautiful, but it's much less ugly.


Sitch "runs the girls over with the bus" when they show up late to their shift. It turns out Jwoww had to drive Snooki to her UTI appointment, and no one could tell Danny as it was none of his business. When they finally get to work, Mike tries to get them in trouble. They counter by accusing him of eating the cake. "I'm sorry, I'm on a diet, so it could not have be me [sic]," he retorts. A classic brain damaged answer.

It turns out Pauly D did it hahaha! Mike sticks with the diet routine, clinging to it like a sailor to his pipe, making it more and more impossible for anyone to ever bake him that apology cake. And he actually deserves one now, sort of.


Snooki's on antibiotics, so she's trying to drink just one drink at Karma. Cut to one millisecond later when she's on her 3rd shot.  Mike runs into Paula, who just may be the love of his life. Obviously that's what all of season 5's Paulas have been hinting at!

Vinny takes Pauly D out on a date. "Yep, Vinny's my dude. We're like the Meatballs, except we're not meatballs." I guess taking a corner bite out of a pristine cake is a rather meatball move. Ronnie, Sammi, and Deena go out too, leaving Sitch and Snooki alone together on the Mattress Flinging balcony. He propositions her by suggesting they each wear a whipped cream bikini. Brain damage with alcohol is one thing, but brain damage with drugs and alcohol is quite another. It looks exactly like this.

Pauly dirty-dishes Deena's bed because he knows she's bringing someone home from the club. She handles it well despite his Who, Meeeeeeee? bit. Isn't Pauly D like 32 years old at this point? Does this age well? Jwoww and Snooki give Deena's new boyfriend a hard time out in the living room. They hand him a condom. I wish this wasn't happening.

There's an insert scene of Sammi throwing a water balloon onto everyone eating dinner on the patio. It's funny, but no one laughs. Huh?

The next night at the club, things get weird. Security's taking people out left and right, and Jwoww's dressed like a Barbie hooker. Some dude pulls on her dress, which enrages Roger. We won't see the thrilling conclusion, which will most likely be a three-second fight, until next week. I guess Roger's a hero now. Even the editing is working overtime to KEEP THE GUIDETTE DOWN.

photos courtesy mtv.com

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