26 February 2012

The Many Loves Of Snooki Gillis

Last week's episode of The Jersey Shore ended in chaos. Karma turned into Mos Eisley Cantina, security tossing out guidos right and left. Some dude tugged on Jwoww's scanty dress, enraging her boyfriend Roger. It was a tough week to get through, but folks, we've made it. Get crazy!

Ronnie observes Roger's near-fight (which dissolves immediately btw) and starts getting a huge crush on him. He's thrilled by Roger's authority, and he goes on and on about how you can't mess with Roger. "That's Karma for you. Karma's a bitch!" All this new-crush energy must be going straight to Ronnie's brain and that's why he spouts verbal gold like this. Welcome back from sabbatical, Professor Gurustein!

As the gang comes home, the guidettes (now ready for love) encounter much resistance. Snooki waits outside the bathroom for Jionni to stop puking, and Roger slips away to the patio while Jwoww isn't looking ("My girl had to poop"). Mike feeds him chicken salad sandwich after chicken salad sandwich as Ronnie chats him up. "I'm actually in love," says Roger. "...With your sandwich," finishes Ronnie. He also tells Roger that if Sammi complained that much, he might lose his phone too. Might want to pump those brakes, Professor Gu. Your girlfriends are in earshot. In the end no one gets laid.

In the morning, Snooki pantomimes a brief scene wherein she finds Jionni dead and starts doing chest compressions on him. Why is Snooki obsessed with medical tragedy? First she has a heart attack, plus she's always about to throw up, and now her boyfriend is technically dead. Please also pump those brakes. Deena decides the gang is going crabbing at the dock!

As soon as they're done at the bait shop, somebody catches a guido. As in, their fishing hook catches on the undershirt of an unwitting guido squatting on the dock. Although terrifyingly close to all sorts of miserable outcomes, the event is consequence-free. Much like everything here. Vinny throws a crab on Sitch as Pauly says "Crabs are here!"

The Meatballs get in an inflatable raft because "no one wants to take [Deena's] bait." She said it, not me! They have a grisly maritime adventure, floating precariously underneath the dock and flailing around when someone yells "sharp!" because Deena hears "shark." Eventually they fall off of the boat and stand up only half emerged. You see, the water's only 2 feet deep. 

Somehow Deena's trunks stay on. They leave with no fish and maybe crabs, but not the kind you eat. Chinese food for dinner! Back at home, Ronnie takes the stinkiest dump of all time. I'm not sure why the editors spend so much time on it, but it's indisputable. His poop smells terrible. 

At work, Danny tells Pauly how many times he's seen the stalker hanging out at the store. It's a LOT. I still feel embarrassed for her, since she's obviously just awkward and crushin'. But upon further inspection, I can see why Pauly's so upset. She's a freaking psycho. The next day, Jwoww gets fed up seeing her at the store so much. She takes her outside and conducts a casual interview with questions like "what's your deal" and "here's what you look like when you're staring at us." The girl just stands there beaming. This is the best day of her life. "Enjoy your day," says Jenni. "Go back to watching. OK."


Snooki is enchanting now, by the way. She is irresistible to everyone (except her boyfriend, who would rather puke than smoosh). Mike smokes a cigarette with her on the patio and asserts that he'll be the one objecting at her wedding when it gets to that point in the ceremony. They play a sexually charged game of Throw The Balls, which looks like an awesome game, and Mike resists being a jerk the entire time. It's far too sincere to be engineered by someone with such extensive brain damage. The Situation is in love.

Snooki loses a Throw The Balls bet and has to wear the bunny suit ("Lola") to the club that night. It somehow brings them the best night of their lives. Everyone takes turns wearing the bunny head and dry-humping. A girl named Stephanie walks right up to Sitch and tells him how DTF she and her friends are. It's a LOT. 


The Meatballs sneak over a fence to frolic on the beach like Baywatch. Within seconds, the cops descend upon them. Deena tries flirting with one of them (no true homo can resist a man in uniform), but he isn't biting. Again with the no one taking her bait. What is this, a nunnery?

At home, Mike has perfectly engineered the ins and outs of MVP's sexcapades. Eerily soon after Vinny and Pauly finish their shared-bedroom trysts, Mike tells them that he's gone ahead and ordered cabs for their ladies. Was he listening for his cue? Right outside the door?

Snooki and Ronnie head to the bar very soon the next morning, eager to drink through their hangovers. She buys him a minibike because he said something about it the other day. This is a very sweet afternoon. They're not allowed to turn on the bike while they're on the boardwalk, but they scoot along like best friends for hours. 


There's another awkward cutaway to a patio dinner that's totally removed from the day's events. These little breaks from the jumbo-sized commercial break are just like the ones on Top Chef. You're not tricking me, corporate tv fat cats.

Snooki finds herself drunk and on the duck phone with Jionni, yet again trying to have phone sex in plain sight of her roommates. This time it's Vinny sitting by, pretending that the Throw The Ball balls are his own and resting them upon her face, waiting for her to stop arguing with Jionni about what's decent and what's not. Vinny takes her to the boardwalk, and Snooki's tangled web claims another lovelorn guido.

They go to a pool hall and dance like nonagenarians. They get drunk enough that Vinny starts thinking about smooshing Snooki, so naturally he asks her to stop drinking. He doesn't want to do it when she's drunk, but they don't do it unless they're drunk. It's frustrating enough to make Snooki go back for their abandoned shots. 


And so the episode "Sharp Objects" ends, leaving Snooki on the throne of Aphrodite, inspiring the love of every man who crosses her path. Must be all those crotch shots at da club. Beauty, thy name is Shnickers.

photos courtesy mtv.com

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