THIS IS IT. This is the last season of Jersey Shore. What will happen afterwards to my brain, to my heart? I'm guessing that by episode 12, it'll all have disintegrated.
Season 6 of Jersey Shore begins with a surprise, one which I'd originally misdiagnosed as brain damage. That's right, guys - The Situation has a pill problem. He's been to rehab and back, and I for one like this new Sober Mike. He doesn't break as many things.
Soon after, Snooki makes her first appearance stumbling over the doorway at her mother's house in platform booties and then making a joke about "miscarriaging." Folks I don't know if I've said this before, but you honestly cannot write this. For a writer to have written this would be disrespectful to the actors, to the production staff, and to the entire world. So distasteful. How could they? For Snooki to have come up with it is PURE GOLD. She TRIPPED because she wears IRRESPONSIBLE SHOES for a PREGNANT WOMAN to wear and then she JOKED about "MISCARRIAGING."
Fast forward to people arriving at the Shore house, where Sober Mike cooks dinner for the gang. When Sammi walks in and sees Mike's spread, Deena tells her that he seems to have actually improved. Sammi makes this face of semi-approval:
Ron and Sam get their own room this season, and Ron exclaims "now we can fight in peace, Sam! That's awesome!" He also explains that he was "pretty bad at" hurting Sammi's feelings in the past, which is correct but untrue. Or true but incorrect. And speaking of great couples, good news! Jwoww's still with Roger! Now Jwoww and Pauly D won't end up together and all my dreams are dashed to pieces!!!!
Perhaps inspired by Snooki's weight loss last season, Deena has dropped some weight of her own.
She looks great, but she also brings it up a LOT. "Usually [Mike] says I look fat (chuckle)" and something about getting into the hot tub before she "gets fat." She has a super nice boyfriend named Chris, though. Good for her.
Everyone who walks into the Shore house says that it stinks. They escape to the roof of the Shore Store to chat about life and pregnancy and rehab in the fresh Seaside air, but Jwoww's not convinced that Mike is capable of change. "Play ball until proven wrong," she says, which is pretty close.
After a twilight visit to Bossman Danny at the Shore Store, the gang turns in for an early night. That's right, they all. go. to sleep. Their first season selves would be disgusted and amazed. I don't understand if this is a joke, or?
The next morning, Snooki envies everyone else's GTL. She can't work out that hard, and she sits in the lonely tanning salon lobby, swinging her tiny legs and looking at tchotchkes for sale. Later on at home, she counts out the 5s on her clock until she gets to 7:40. I don't even know why they have analog clocks at this house. Work is for the Shore Store, dummies.
The first fake drama happens when Jionni comes by the house and Vinny neglects to say hi. None of this has anything to do with anything, in case you've forgotten. Maybe season 3? Jionni takes Snooki out to dinner instead of out clubbing, where everyone else is going. Deena is in a VERY BODYCON dress, and everyone notices. "Don't disrespect Chris," she says to Mike. "My bad, Chris, who I've never met," he oozes back.
Snooki can't contain herself at the restaurant. She wants to dance and drink and basically just GET CRAZY. But she can't! "Don't you think it's trashy to see a pregnant woman in a club?" she asks Jionni very earnestly. "I don't want to be that pregnant girl in the club, I really don't." Oh yeah, that pregnant girl. Boy does that girl always look dumb to me when I'm out clubbing! Snooksy BORED.
Vinny notes that he's smashed every girl at Karma. Remember when he was sometimes a baby turd back at the beginning of this whole series? He's grown up into a huge, stinky adult turd and now he's a monster too.
Ronnie is also still a turd, and he yells at Sam for ten hours because she didn't eat enough before going out. It sounds like Fake Drama, but it is Real Drama. Ronnie is a mean drunk. "I don't need to be with you if you don't talk to me," he says. "I have a million girls that can do what you do." Pauly sees the fight and declares it the official start to summer. Sober Mike sees the fight and reflects on how drinking makes ya dumb.
At some point Vinny pulls Deena's boyfriend Chris aside to have an in-depth discussion about Italian furniture. Deena thinks he's teasing Chris, so Vinny swears on his mother's life that he's not. She waves it off, which allows Vinny to get VERY offended. You CANNOT disrespect a guido's sworn oath on his mother. Even Chris is like "Deena, he apologized. He swore on his mother." But then he thanks her for "protecting me. I love you for that." Man, Chris is great. Chris: "Let's go eat."
"Don't be a spoiled brat," says Vinny, who just last season had to leave the house because of anxiety. My roommate Zach noticed that. 'Cause remember? When he was so overwhelmed by feelings that he had to escape? It's good that he's regained enough composure to shame others for their feelings. Later on he makes fun of Sammi for asking a cooking question, and when she calls him on it, he's like "I also promote joking, [bitch]." His face says that last part.
Back at home Ronnie kicks things off with an old fashioned bed prank (he falls down the stairs holding a blanket). Mike finds out his girl is on her period, so he states Rule #667: "You cannot have sex with a girl who is on her period, unless it's your girlfriend, and unless it's your girlfriend for a minute." I don't get it. For a lot or a little? At any rate, Pauly sends his girl home, too, because he always does. Again I don't get it.
The next day Snooki asks Danny if she can move to a different apartment. Why yes, she can move to the house right next door. Then I think they say they love each other? Meanwhile Deena and Jwoww discuss the definition of "integrity" with some bartender. What is this, book club? I did NOT sign up for this!!!
In the middle of a frank discussion about virginity loss at dinner, Snooki announces her upcoming departure from the house. The shot goes from her laughing to her taking a breath to her breaking the news within 4 seconds. Everyone's sad, but luckily Vinny takes them all into the living room and teaches them the improv game, "Pass the Object." Cool choice!
TONS OF UNDEREMPLOYED COMMERCIALS
Then it's the end. Our VIP preview to the velvet-rope rest of the season showcases Deena crying, Mike doing karaoke, and a very sad Deena resisting arrest. What else will this season bring? I'm guessing Snooki asks Jwoww to be Lorenzo's godmother. I'm guessing Vinny falls in love with some awful girl. I'm guessing Mike takes a drink? Oy, that's not a nice thing to write. But I would watch that x1000.
fake dramz --> reality tv
real dramz --> gripping tv
OR DO THEY?
all screenshots courtesy of MTV.com