25 October 2012


Two weeks ago at 10pm, MTV recorded nothing but blackness. It turned out they aired another 2 episodes of Jersey Shore in one night. The next week I was buried in work and couldn't watch the new 5th episode without seeing the 3rd and 4th first. So I've watched all of them in the past 2 days, and now I think I have a mental illness. Just in time to watch tonight's episode, Installment 6 of the New Jersey Shoreside Diaries.  

1. "Toxic Shots Syndrome"

Snooki moves out in the rain. Her new rental house is fun-sized, such as herself, and Pauly deems it "perfect for a pregnant bitch!" "I know," beams Fun Size Snickers. "I wanna get knocked up," continues Pauly. It has a hangin-out porch, which Pauly calls "Snooki's POORCH," which is how I want to talk from now until the end of time. End of Act I.

There's some sort of medical injection that can "block opiates and alcohol and painkillers," so obviously MTV's insurance policy requires Situation to get one. Does this mean he's off roids now, too? The shot, which he has received in the buttocks, pains him so much he has trouble working his shift at the Shore Store. He storms out and Vinny follows close behind, ultrasensitive to the emotional volcano about to erupt within Situation's fragile psyche. Vinny is extremely perceptive when it comes to men's feelings.

Deena's freaking cute with this boyfriend of hers when she's not crying, but then again, her roommates give her such a hard time about missing him, I feel guilty mentioning it at all. She's so giddy when he's there. She wants to "cheat" at dinner - as in Weight Watchers "cheat." Who IS this kid!! I think her boyfriend looks like Guido Shawn Hatosy.

It is unfortunately uncute that Deena has left in a tampon for 30 hours and might have TSS, which she pronounces "toshic sock shindrome," but which MTV heard as "toxic shot syndrome." I leave it up to you. Deena calls her moms, who immediately insists she's "only putting herself through this" because that is how you do Guido Therapy. You blame the person for feeling unpleasant emotions for longer than 1 second.

Sammi Sweetheart embodies her nickname for once and offers to Meatball for lonely Deena. Ronnie hates it. He says that Sam must be misreading Deena's feelings and that one day soon Chris will dump her because "she's infatuated" with him. What a cool dude this Ron is turning out to be!

Snooki tells Jionni she'd die for him at Steaks Unlimited. When she asks if he'd die for her, he says yes and glances at the camera to make sure it heard, I guess. Thanks, Jionni, we've actually gotten enough footage for the day. Thanks though. Back at home he tosses a hacky sack onto her boobs and it stays. It's the first time I can see why they might be together.

Jwoww makes Situation sing "Rehab" by the late Amy Winehouse at karaoke. It's a risk, but without all those barbituates and hormones coursing through his veins, he takes it in stride. He sings, "they tried to make me go to rehab, I said yes yes yes." Ron says "he's actually Mike Sorrentino." It's starting to feel like good old-fashioned Jersey Shore right about now. Good show, Mike Sorrentino. That's the first time I've ever considered that you might be the heir to the Sorrentino Shredded Cheese fortune.

2. "Blues, Balls, and Brawls"

Kickin' it on Snooki's POORCH! Vinny still won't shake Jionni's hand or even look at him, "as a sign of respect" since he had sex with Snooki at some point in history. Then Vinny makes fun of how the other guys have secret handshakes with Jionni, and it's pretty funny. It might be the best thing Vinny ever does in his life. Josh thinks that if Jionni isn't present at the birth, Vinny will be declared the father. I agree.

Team MVP sees a flasher from the roof deck and go down to meet her. She gives Vinny and Pauly her number and intimates that she'd like to take them both on a date at the same time. "She's not DTF - she's DTA! Down For Anything!" shouts Pauly. Almost!

Jwoww plans a surprise party for Roger's birthday (Pauly D: "Looks like a POORTY!") and it's - as we could've guessed - a disaster. Roger shows up very late and immediately starts in with the "that must mean I don't love you ha-ha" with Jenni to properly curb her feelings. It's not enough to make Jenni "stop bitching him out," so he drags her away from the table to discipline her. Please don't use the belt again, Papa Roger!

Throughout the entire season, Snooki has been isolating herself from Deena. She's jealous of Deena's new slim figure (which only happened because Deena got the idea from Snooki last season) and she's jealous of Deena's new relationship (even though she has a fiance now). She's jealous that Chris took Deena to Rivoli's when she had to endure Steaks Unlimited yet again. She's just not interested in hanging out with Deena anymore. Which is killing Deena because who the hell is a meatball supposed to hang out with these days?

So Deena takes Snooki out dancing, and all the girls put in fake pregnant bellies to cheer her up. Then everyone (except Snooki) rides a mechanical bull! You'd think the Meatballs would have just reunited, but no. Weirdness remains.

At the Shore Store the next day, Mike tries to strike up a conversation with Snooki. She's feeling sick (so was Deena - meatball poison??) and, having no patience for any of this, tells Mike she doesn't want to be friends with him. "...FOREVER?!" Mike balks as his eyeballs bulge. Kickin it on Snooki's POORCH no more.

Roger sends Jenni 2 dozen pink roses plus 1 red one for Ron, I guess to remind her who's boss. Everyone speaks very openly about Jwoww's self-imposed celibacy with Roger ("The earlier we go out, the sooner we can come back and not have sex"). She's pulling a Jennifer Aniston, as my mother would say.

Deena might just be creepin' on Chris without realizing it. She and Bossman Danny are flirting HAY lot and maybe it's an issue of her not realizing what her weight loss has done to her attractiveness level. They flirt all the way from the Shore Store to a carnival game to a bar, where Danny looks awfully guilty when the rest of the gang shows up. Deena collects her large blue rubber ball afterwards. Everyone contributes to a blue ball word festival on the boardwalk, each one a swing and a miss.

Snooki wakes up from a "disco nap" (AWESOME) and decides not to go to Bamboo with her old roommates because a lot of fights seem to break out there every time they go. As soon as the gang arrives, some freakus named Paul comes up to Sitch and insists that they've hung out before. Another freakus named Ryan (who must be a friend of Roger's?) throws the stalker into a bouncer. For a second, everything's calm. THEN A MELEE BREAKS OUT.

3. "Merp Walk"

In this melee, Roger PUSHES JENNI ONTO THE FLOOR BY HER NECK. And thus begins the most shameful episode of Jersey Shore I've ever seen. Do I even have to write out the fact that I have seen every episode I don't think so.

Jenni had been trying to keep Roger away from some moron, so Roger threw her aside perhaps more violently than he meant to. Does it make a difference how hard he meant to throw her, though? Nope! Three years ago, when we first met Jwoww, it was her feistiness that drew us to her. And so she throws a drink in Roger's face, and we love her for it. Roger, however, marches pissily away to his boyfriend Ryan's house, leaving Jenni to chase him down. I'm sorry, does her neck already feel better enough to be barreling down the sidewalk like this?

Roger reminds Jenni NOT TO "GET INVOLVED WHEN BOYS ARE FIGHTING." Ryan whispers sweet nothings in Roger's ear to calm him down, and Jwoww and Deena start making excuses for him such as "he didn't recognize her." Deena admits later on that she's very conflicted because she loves relationships. "But I don't think a man should put a hand on a girl."

This is a confusing situation. Although Deena seems to understand this basic tenet of reasonable human relationships, the whole thing is suffocated by toxic guido reasoning. It's ok for Roger to shove Jenni away if his intention was to fight some guy. It's ok for Roger to shove Jenni away if she got involved in a boy-fight. It's ok for Roger to shove Jenni away if he didn't recognize that it was her. It's ok for Roger to shove Jenni away if the pain wasn't that long-lasting. What are all of these excuses? Why does Roger deserve them? He makes the most noise about being way too old for this, way too much of an adult to deal with this child's play. So why is he now getting a check-up call from Ronnie to see if he's ok?

Naturally, Jenni's ankle was broken somewhere in the brawl last night. I thought I saw her twist it while she was chasing Roger, but maybe it happened somewhere else. I'm so let down. Jenni was supposed to respect herself more than this. The best she can say is "I feel like he should on some level apologize."

Ronnie and Sammi have a helpful conversation in the car about why Roger was right. It is wrong for a woman to try to worm her way into a Guy Fight. Like, even though there's the urge to protect someone you care about, that's a one-way ticket to getting hit by your boyfriend's fist. "Look, I get it you want to protect me but dudes are stronger than you. Like, every dude."

Snooki takes Jenni to the doctor and they find out she has a navicular fracture, which means she'll be wearing a cast for the rest of the summer. Snooki is thrilled to have another "disabled" friend. Is pregnancy a disability? I guess you have to give up your seat, but nobody would ever say that, right? Jenni HATES her crutches.

The boys go to lunch and agree that Jenni's overplaying her injury and they bet she'll come home in a cast. "From a guy's point of view, y'know, she threw her drink on a man, y'know?" says Situation. Is this the return of Sloppy Sitch? And how did this turn into a trap where Jwoww is screwed if she gets a cast and screwed if she doesn't? The poor kid chipped a bone. The guys are treating it like she had her fingers crossed for a cast and crutches.

"Your name should be carton because you're always fucking milking this shit," opins Ronnie. Then Vinny gives the most unself-aware testimonial this show has ever seen: "Jenni's definitely being overdramatic about her injury. She's like, 'I'm only trying to punch him in his face to protect him so I don't think it was right for him to push me...and I don't know if I'm ever going to talk to that douchebag again.'" He says this with the most hateful face I've ever seen. How did he get to hate women this much? When did Jenni try to punch Roger's face? What is the threat they're responding to with all the panic-eyed peacocking?

Eventually everyone (including Snooki) goes out to a patio bar and Vinny's Uncle Nino shows up. He's the only person who feels that it might have been wrong for Roger to shove Jwoww's neck the way he done. Jwoww sits on his lap to reward him, I guess. This is what it's come to.

Jwoww makes her way into the club and starts cockblocking Situation's attempts to hit on girls. Roger's girlfriend Ryan is back, and he's making harsh cut-it-out hand motions to her like he's about to kill her. Then Ryan finds some dude who'd been offering Sitch drugs and reassures Mike that he will "fuck him up." Somebody write this guy a check because he's working overtime.

Mike walks home alone and calls Paula to come hang out. Deena comes home with the rest of the gang but does the opposite of Mike: she keeps drinking, stays awake, and goes looking for a friend who just isn't there. At the crack of dawn she's on the boardwalk looking for a bar (she'd stood in front of SamRon's room saying "Get up, Sam! I'm auditioning YOU to be a meatball!" but no one answered). Deena the Meatball has clearly studied at the Tyra Banks School of Branding.

Deena dances on a bar until sadness washes over her, and her Dutch or whatever companions go "Awwwww" one million times. "This is the end of an error," says Deena. You got that right. She tromps off to the Shore Store to find Danny, who sends a worker named Steve to chaperone her to a liquor store. Steve is NOT into this.

SamRon finally wake up and manage to walk right into the very bar & grille that Deena's currently patronizing. She dips out, weaving and singing in the road, stopping traffic...UNTIL two cops handcuff her and tell her she's arrested. End of Act III.

It breaks my heart to know that on this day in history, Jenni and Roger are engaged. This is one of the first times Jersey Shore has made me feel totally hopeless in a genuinely unfunny way. I hope tonight's episode beaks their relationship in half in a way that echoes forward to the future.

photos courtesy realityaired.com and thecinemasource.com and MTV.com

No comments:

Post a Comment