THE PRE-OSCARS BEGIN

We are almost completely set up. Last night I cut out magazine pages to look like a bunch of little Oscars to hang on the wall of our living room. I printed out ballots and filled mine out with one color ink for the movies I think will win and another color for the ones I want to win. We have these snacks:

127 Hors d'oeuvres (really just 2 boxes of 40 hors d'oeuvres from the freezer section)
Toy Story 3 Cheese Bagel Bites
The Cighter ("Cider" + "Fighter")
InCervezeption (Corona Light)
True Dip (Josh's 7 layer dip)
The King'sPeach Cobbler
Vanilla Ice Cream Social Network
Black Flan (but really just a swampy color because it's hard to make food coloring turn something all the way black)

 LET THE PRE-OSCARS BEGIN!

America's Next Top Model Returns!

And folks, Tyra's funnier than ever.

Cycle 16 of ANTM premiered last night on the CW, and it started out with the cruelest joke in history: Tyra told the girls who made it through casting that they had actually lost. Then she "congratulated" 13 "other models" that by the grace of God MUST have been paid actors, although nobody ever confirmed or denied it. The losers moped around, herded into a swanky apartment by a PA for no good reason so that Tyra could come and console them because she likes to do that. But nope! Console she did not! Instead, she pulled down a curtain and showed the girls the apartment they'd be living in...SINCE THEY ACTUALLY WON, NOT LOST!

I should mention that before that segment, Tyra did a "This is why we're not showing casting" video that started out monstrous and ended up hilarious.



Another defense of Tyra Banks: whether she's aware of the mild unfunniness of the first half of the segment is immaterial. She commits. And when she manages to succeed, it's pretty enjoyable! And she has a nice haircut and wears t-shirts this season, which is nice.

And so we meet our ragtag team, all of whom have names that have already belonged to previous contestants. I'm not complaining; I know that if you're a model from America you basically have to be named Sara or Lauren or Ashlee. I'm just making an observation here.


Here are the girls I find interesting:

Monique
She looks like Olivia Munn and is, according to Tyra, "so sexy that people must be like, 'Tyra, what are you thinking?'" But I guess she's thinking, "I am casting her."

Sara

Tyra thinks she looks like a 19-year-old boy in makeup, and I agree. And I think her final picture from last night is AWESOME for how stretched and borderline ugly it is. Yet it's not? ...and with that, I've spent more than one thought thinking about it, and I'm pretty sure that's what makes a picture worthwhile.

Alexandria
This is the girl who described herself as having "natural swag." She's going to be a real asshole this season. She takes the Baby Voice girl under her wing and bosses her around for an entire evening. Then she repeats to every model, judge, and lampshade in the room that she's got natural swag.

Hannah

This little dork took a gorgeous final picture and reminds me of Analeigh from the Celia season. PS did I mention that basically 60% of the contestants this year look like trannies? Because it's true. (Hannah is in the other 40%)

Dominique

Dominique looks like Maya Rudolph and damn it, that's more than good enough for me.

Jaclyn/Baby Voice
Her voice is so squeaky, it's almost ironic that she thinks she has a baby face. No, it's fully ironic. I think that with any other voice, her face could look realistically aged.

Ondrei

Very short, but if that means 5'7" in the modeling world, how short is she?

Kasia
The only zaftig this season, and the only one with seemingly professional experience. Then why does her picture look so terrible? She's fixing her bra and frowning at nothing. If I wanted to see this, I'd stare in a mirror.


Mikaela
Is a vampire, so she can't be pictured. JK but there are seriously too many pictures up already and I'm nervous the page won't load.


Ones I don't really know who they are yet:
Dalya
Molly
Angelia (got kicked off first)
Brittani
Nicole

So anyway, Miss J made the girls walk in a huge plastic sphere on a very narrow and slippery catwalk. Before that, they had a photoshoot in hair and makeup. Several girls fell out off the runway, and it was abundantly clear that it's impossible to get back up in one of those things. Poor Maya Rudolph had to keep voguing inside of hers as she struggled to stand up over and over again.

In the end, Angelia got kicked off first and it's a good thing she was one of the Ones I don't really know who they are yet. I predict that the natural swag one will last for too long but will hopefully be the one who gets kicked off first in the exotic location - 50 hours on a plane takes some amount of natural swag.

All photos courtesy of cwtv.com! Black and white photos by Russell James.

And MORE NEWS!

"My name is Ben Schwartz and I have a popular blog!"

(According to NYMag:)

Jean-Ralphio is writing a remake of Soapdish!! BOUNCE! BOUNCE-BOUNCE-BOUNCE BOUNCE!

Upcoming Show!

The Venkmans (my improv group) has a show coming up on Saturday at the Triple Crown. You can find the details here. YES AND.

"While You Weren't Sleeping" Gossip Girl Recap

Ironically, I was sleeping on Monday night instead of watching the newest Gossip Girl, so the episode title "While You Weren't Sleeping" applies neither to me nor to the show itself, in which no one was or wasn't particularly sleeping. But what a great movie reference!

Sick Birthday, Eric!

• In order to avoid doing a drug deal for Damien, Eric fakes sick on his 18th birthday. Limp and pale on the couch, he lets Lily take care of him by bringing over highballs and pashminas on a silver tray. I thought they were still mad at each other. Is this what rich-mad looks like?
• Aha! Eric admits he's faking sick by whispering his secret to Serena in the LOUDEST LOBBY IN THE WORLD. Seriously, the acoustics in there would intimidate the Hollywood Bowl. He's like "I (I...I) am trying (trying...trying) to avoid (void...void) a COKE DEAL! (COKE DEAL! COKE DEAL!)"
• And all at once, all of my roommates are like, "Please just let Lily deal with this herself, please. She's so rich, Eric. Please, just let her."
• Damien slinks into the party (which has a giant lollipops 'n' pinatas theme for some reason?) and crosses paths with Serena before he's had time to figure out what he would say if he saw her. So he tosses his head behind his shoulder and mumbles "mmmmgreat party" to her, but she probably doesn't hear it. Mmmmmnice one, Dame. Nnnnngreat work.

 "You guys can deal with this while I go carbo-load downstairs. Mmmmkayyy?"

• And yet Damien moonwalks out of Eric's room with a check for $100,000 and the promise of mac 'n' cheese in his near future. He's so pompous, he's going to eat mac 'n' cheese from the birthday buffet before he escapes with the money? Who IS this kid?
•  He is a kid that Ben the ex-con will gladly put out a hit on. And I can't wait for that to happen. Next week, are we thinking?
• "I always knew you read too much Shakespeare to be sane." Nnnnnngreat comeback, Damien.
• And so while the van der Woodsens make up and eat birthday cake on the floor like the Japanese version of 16 Candles, Damien sets up a night meeting in a dark office with Montel Thorpe, night-businessman. Who IS this kid? He is a kid that is ready to die, I guess. Didn't he hear what Ben said? Didn't he look into those watery crazy-person eyes like we did?

If you were here, I could deceive you

• Did I mention that Damien's drug deal was supposed to get delivered in 100 boxes of pink tulips? FREAKING BELGIANS!

Blair Is Overstretched, Not Like That

• Blair is such a prada-wearing devil that all of her interns have quit. So she makes Dorota put her clothes onto her (like she didn't before) and she types away on her blackberry during her "30 seconds of friend time" for Serena...like she didn't before. Busy Blair is the same as Old Blair but with more excuses to act haughty. Excellent.
• and her blog for W is called "The Blair Necessities"
• Dan offers to help Blair in her whirlwind of duties, but not before making her say "as my friend and peer, not my underling" until she means it. This is the best writing/acting there has ever been on this show. She literally can't say it!
• Meanwhile, as Dan and Blair remain the best of friends, Vanessa hulks back into Manhattan and tries to get in touch with her former flame...only to find that he has PURPOSEFULLY ignored her "hand written letters." How did the front desk even let her up?
• Their evening ends with Blair at the loft, confiding in Dan that she wishes she could get back together with Chuck sooner than later. This is precisely what I want out of their friendship: confiding secrets, falling asleep on the couch without accidentally making out, and ordering in "gourmet, I suppose."

The Never-Ending Saga of Big-Mouth Billy Bass Industries

• Lily and Chuck get into a fight at a cafe, but it's all a ruse for Montel Thorpe's benefit! YES, EXCELLENT START!
• Lily and Chuck's undying best friendship is the best thing ever - even when Chuck's being a real jerk, Lily is his permanent co-conspirator. I don't want them to have a baby per se, but if they did, s/he would be AWESOME.

 

"Oh, Charles. Best friends forever!"

• So Chuck's plan B is to have Nate seduce Raina into liking Chuck more. Nope, it doesn't make sense in the GG universe either. Nate is anything but a wingman, for God's sake. So Raina clearly falls in love with him because he (too) makes her miss a v. important meeting and he gives her a doobie and lets her spend the day in his terry cloth robe. Then she's like "let's start a potato chip ice cream company!" and you know what? Of all the things I would never do with that girl, I would most DEFINITELY start a potato chip ice cream company with her. Even if she chewed me up and spat me out eventually, we'd make a ton of money in the process.
• Chuck invites Montel's silent partner to Eric's birthday party to (a) tell him that Bass might be more valuable as a whole and (b) give him a giant lollipop and a pinata. And it works, I guess! It's amazing that Chuck's business MO is to repeat "Please, just consider the facts" to everyone. It always works and it's what makes him such a wunderkind. Please, just consider the Chuck.
• Did I mention Lily's honeypot scheme? She's trying to lure in Montel for some reason, and I was positive the entire time that Rufus would somehow find out and throw his hugest hissy fit since junior prom. AND YET! He was in on it the whole time and he acted impeccably! Wow, Rufus: 1; the rest of the world: probably in the 100s by now.

Next Week on "No One Wants To Hear It, Vanessa"

• Next week's promo shows Vanessa trying to warn Serena about something we already know isn't a threat (she sees Ben take the check out of Damien's hands and automatically assumes that you can just steal a check and have everything work out in your favor). Good luck basically requesting that the newly unemployed Blair spend all of next week shoving her foot in your face, Vanessa!
• Also, Dan says something like "...just a kiss" to Blair. Here is where I'm going to predict the Saved By The Bell miniplot will come in. They will accidentally kiss and they realize within the hour that they definitely don't like it.
• Did I dream that I saw Juliet behind bars?
• When can Eric just be HAPPY again for Pete's sake?!?!?! Maybe they should send him back to Stad or something? That might make him happy. Maybe let him spend more time with Big Brother Chuck? Aww, remember those days?

Great News! Justin Bieber Didn't Quite Say What You Thought He Said In Rolling Stone

Yesterday or the day before, NYmag reported that Justin Bieber's Rolling Stone interview got zesty when he explained his thoughts on abortion. Why Rolling Stone would ask a 16 year old Canadian about abortion is beyond/too rock 'n' roll for me. At any rate, apparently they left a sentence out of the middle of the quote that sort of changes things:

(Regarding the idea of a rape victim getting pregnant) "Well, I think that's really sad, but everything happens for a reason. I don't know how that would be a reason. I guess I haven't been in that position, so I wouldn't be able to judge that." (emphasis nymag's)

So just so everyone's clear, Bieber had thrown in an extra "I am 16 and I don't know anything about this so please take my opinion with a grain of salt" line that wasn't fully represented in the interview.

Why did I just write about that? I don't really care about Biebs except that I like to say his name like the little girl from that youtube who was crying because she loved him too much (you know the one, "Jussin Beeebr!"). And I liked when I thought he was dating Kim Kardashian. And I don't particularly hate anything about him, so I guess you could say I'm mildly pro-Bieber. But not enough to have a blog about him. I guess I care about misquotes? Seriously though, why would I write this?

It must be because of the Kim Kardashian thing.

"It-Girl Happened One Night" Gossip Girl Recap

Here we are again, another Gossip Girl recap with another very straightforward title. Unless of course you consider the "It-Girl Happened One Night" part! If only she happened on just one night! Assuming the "it-girl" they refer to is Raina, I would've named the episode "It-Girl Is Boring." But that's just me.


New format time!

More Like Olive Bread: The Excrutiatingly Boring Business Themed Story of Chuck Bass & Montel Thorpe

• First of all, I wanted to hear Ed Westwick's real accent just come out this week more than ever before. He was losing it. It was like Jude Law in I Heart Huckabees. I wish that Chuck's next storyline would be him hiring the Jaffes to investigate his existence.
• So we all thought (or at least I did) that Chuck was only using Raina, the most interesting and likeable girl in the world, to salvage what was left of his dead father's company. But as Blair finds out this week, Chuck and Raina are actually into the idea. I hesitate to write "in love with each other" because there's no way that designer clothing can love each other, no matter what you try to tell me. And what are these people if not just the purple zoot-suits and slinky flapper dresses they wear?
• "My dad's too much of a gentleman to hold a grudge." says Raina, revealing her acerbic wit. I lifed that straight out of the 1-minute promo I remember seeing for Joan of Arcadia...she said, revealing her acerbic wit.
• So it turns out that Thorpe is this much of an asshole because Chuck's mother (which mother? I couldn't really tell but other recaps are saying it's Lily herself so I guess I'm going with that) left him for Chuck's father? It was lame when this was the reason Snape was mean to Harry Potter, and it's lame now.
• TOO BORING LET'S MOVE ON.

Bad News Blairs, or Friends Hold Hands BUT THAT'S IT!

• If Blair can turn her new job into a permanent position, it will knock 6 months off her 2-year plan THANK GOD! WE WERE SO SCARED!
• Which is quickly followed by Serena getting crazy eyes and being like "we should do Friends Valentine's!!!" and Blair easily and hilariously brushing it off like no one said anything.
• I don't know if it's been stated before (or if I've written it before), but Serena has a harem of men in Brooklyn and Blair has one at the Empire hotel. Drawbacks? Serena's harem includes Rufus and Blair's includes The Captain. Harems never work out the right way UNLESS YOU'RE A GUY OF COURSE.
• So the bulk of this storyline is that Dan watches Blair get her heart broken and then tries to hold her hand. Then they watch Rosemary's Baby together in separate beds like When Harry Met Sally. Then the set designer has the gall to give them identical sheets so it looks like they are actually in the same bed during the split screen. Then I barf.
• When Vanessa gets back to town and sees Blair with Dan, she's going to short circuit. "WHATTTTTTTTTT #?@ BLEEP BLORK I'm mleting that's l33t speak for 'melting.'"

A Word From The Captain

• Somebody call the cops, The Captain's quitting his job. Seriously, you do have to call his parole officer I think.
• But he kept his key card! Welcome back to jail, Cap'm! Yer shipmates have sorely missed ye!

The Ugly Side of Cater Waitering

• This week the issue with Ben isn't that he's a maniacal convict or a wrongly accused sexual non-deviant; it's that he's a caterer. And since we all know Serena is rich...well, let's just say that this is the oldest story in the book. Guy teaches Girl, Girl tries to seduce Guy but Guy says no, Girl's mom sends Guy to prison, Guy systematically dismantles Girl's life from prison, Girl gets Guy out of prison, Girl starts dating Guy because, hey, she's 18 now, Guy has to go and get a catering job, BAM. It's over. It's weird how the simplest stories ring truest to life.
• And so Blair tries to embarrass Serena YET AGAIN with a stupid plan that will only serve to make Blair look like a jerk. And guess what, it happens again. Yes Blair, Serena's dating out of her economic class. But you're the only one who thinks that's gossip-worthy. "This just in! A lady spotted with a knave! How absolutely vulgar!"
• Meanwhile every conversation Serena and Ben have is like "Nonsequitur, awkward rudeness? Bland truism."

So That's Who Eats from Schnitzels & Things!

• Eric is possibly the only true New Yorker on the show. I say this because he goes to trendy food trucks and volunteers at God's Love We Deliver, which is Joan Rivers's and my favorite charity. These are things that a troubled yet wealthy teen might do if he had time on his hands. Oh, and he does drugs. Or at least did once or twice.
• But despite that fact, Eric's drug dealer comes back and he's unhappy. He's going to use Lily's perjury to...I don't know, erase his father's memory? How could he possibly use blackmail to get what he wants? Is he trying to have Eric be like "Oh actually I'm the drug dealer. So you should love your son again" to Damien's dad? Oh right, he's probably trying to get some money from the VDWs. Good thinking, druggo.
• Last season around this time it was Jenny that Damien was ruining. Just saying, Eric's still copy catting her despite his feelings toward her.

 "I'm Sorry, Love Actually and the Jacques Torres Chocolate Fondue Will Have to Wait."

• Rufus is going to be pissed.

And oh God, I think I saw Vanessa's return in the promo after the episode. Somebody get Steve Gutenberg! She's about to short circuit!

Why Can't I Get "If Momma Was Married" Out Of My Head?

Couldn't it at least have been "Iowa Stubborn?"

Gossip Girl "Panic Roommate" Recap

Dear Upper East Siders and No One Else,
I am trying out something new - making a very boring title that will hopefully show up more in search engines so that millions more people can read my Gossip Girl recaps. Genius? Yes. Boring? You tell me.

You: Actually it's boringer than any of us ever thought possible.

Me: Suck a lemon.

(fin)

and now for Blair and Chuck's High-Class "Everyone Gets Laid!" Scheme:

"Tonight at the Pit..."

• Chuck, stop trying to make Raina happen. She's not going to happen.
• Although I do enjoy Chuck and Blair using each other for fake phone calls when they could just as easily talk to no one on the other end. "Raina's smarter than that. She'll need to hear talking through the earpiece." "Nate's smarter than that...or whatever."
• I assume that Chuck's secret hotel hiding place (while AWESOME) is just a ruse for his real long con, which will include letting Raina find out about his trickery so that she'll be easier to poach. It's nice to see that Blair still has stuff that Chuck lacks (a basic understanding of the fairer sex), thus they still have things to offer each other. Perhaps they should help each other out so long as they both shall live?
• And now onto Blair's "Get Epperly Laid" plan: It's clear to our Intern Queen that she will get a bad review if her boss, the lithe yet harried Epperly, doesn't get laid before it happens. Because I guess Blair's been doing a pretty bad job so far? Anyways, she takes her to Chuck's house without even asking Chuck first if he'd be WILLING to gigolo for her. Then she sends Epperly and Nate to the roof so she can connive with Chuck - without even realizing that Nate will have put several roof-moves on her by this time. And yet somehow he didn't? Either that or it was nothing to write home about.
• Blair ALSO tells Epperly to leave work early on the night of a party because Blair can "forward her calls to her blackberry," which she's plainly not going to do. Perhaps she's onto something with this performance review anxiety. So far all she's done is stink up Epperly's coffee with Chanel no. 5 and wear tights with shorts to work. 
• And yet here's how her review went: "Since I got laid last night, I am quitting my job as Intern Coordinator and giving it to you, Blair. Highly unorthodox, I know. Welp, I'm off to a yoga retreat with my old London boyfriend!" And that's basically verbatim.

"What? Only 4 princes have rsvp'd? When I come to full power that simply won't do!"

• DANNY & THE PROFESSOR: Ben the ex-con/ex-teacher/ex-ex-crush of Serena is living with Dan now, and Dan's like "Ummmm WHAT?" I wish Dan had turned into King Curtis from the Fat Kid Loves Bacon video and made it a little harder for Ben to just move in like that. Ben thinks he's the queen of the sorry people! He cain't run in those little heels!
• So the main thrust of the whole Ben thing this episode is whether or not they should forgive/trust him. Let's make it easy: He didn't statutorily rape Serena - plus! He did command a systematic dismantling of her life from prison - minus :(. He refused to take Lily's money and offered to leave town himself - plus! He decided it would be smart to live at Dan's apartment - dumb. Should you forgive him? Up in the air. Should you trust him? Sure, if you're Ben himself. That's just prison rules, baby.
• A theory posited by my roommates: It's apparent that Serena started dating Dan in season 1 because he respected her intellect or was at least intellectual himself...like someone else she was just ending a crush on, perhaps? A teacher, perhaps? Ben? Dan might be Ben 2.0, which certainly WOULD lead to some weird roommate friction. And now that Ben's apparently the same age as everybody, there's no problem with him dating Serena at the end of the episode. 
• Couldn't there have been a better lead up to Ben and Serena getting together? I'm sick of all these "Meh, whatever" get-together moments. He's an ex-con for God's sake! It takes a huge amount of effort to mute that kind of natural tension!
• Eric, the Pant Cuff-Rollingest Kid in New York: Eric, you're not wearing boots and it's way too cold for this. Roll the pants down. 
•  I love that Eric lets his Lily streak shine proud as soon as Damien says ONE SENTENCE about Ben being suspicious. The king of mother-judging is like "If anyone should have to get out of town, it's Ben! I don't want him anywhere near my friends or family!" Now we just need to see how long it will take him to procure a wad of cash so he can throw it at Ben and complete the transformation.
• Dan: "I'm not gonna team up with the one guy I trust less than Ben, and neither should you." It's this kind of reasoning that's like (a) great thinking, Dan! (b) but what is "great thinking" doing on this show? (c) and why can't Dan be smart like this at any other time?
• What's more, Dan is truly growing into his role as Lily's heir apparent (noticed by Josh). He threatens to make sure Damien never sets foot in this town again - a complete Blair/Lily/Rich Woman move. I am LIKING this new Dan!
• So even though Dan tries his best to pre-bitch Damien out, Damien's plan still works. He walks out of the bathroom with a freshly punched face and accuses Ben of doing it (even though I'm sure there's security camera footage that shows where Ben is all night if not right outside the bathroom), and the parole officer is there and ready to take him away. The PO hesitates, however - Serena might be about to say something - but nope, she just looks at Ben like "How could you?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Hit my drug dealer?!?!?!?!?!" and then later on completely denies it so she can pull a kisseroo on Mr. Bensington, who got out of jail because of a heartfelt phone call from Dan. These kids and their phone calls. They should probably call Egypt and see if they can't set things straight.
• Isn't Damien smart enough to keep his trap shut until he gets out of town? Instead he's like "Yeahhhh, noooo. We won't be hanging out anymore, Eric. You're a suicidal freak and I got what I wanted. And now I'm untouchable." EXCEPT HE OBVIOUSLY ISN'T. Dan and Nate (who has had nothing to do with Damien this time) saunter over to Damien's consulate and tell Mr. Damien what lil Damien's been up to. Ya burnt, Zac Evilfron.
• And finally, Rufus the Wonder Dad jumps in at the last minute to save/recap the day. "Are we done?" asks an emotionally exhausted Eric. "No no no. Talk to me. Make me understand!" pleads Pearl Dad. Eric tells Rufus that he's friendless and embarrassed about it. Really, though? I know the girls at Constance skewed prim when Blair was queen, but are there really no "I'd DIE for a gay friend" girls there now? REALLY? I guess that was the one thing Little J had going for her.
• PS, did the van der Woodsens buy a berry farm, or are they just this desperate to replace waffles with something less make-funable? Bad news, berries are pretty easy to make fun of.
• Oh, and OBVIOUSLY the loft buys that milk that comes in glass bottles and costs $8/gallon.

Predictions for next week based on the preview:

• Dan will hold Blair's hand...but only to keep her from falling off a bridge or something. They're not getting together.
• Rufus will try to murder Florence so that he can take over and become Rufus & The Machine. Florence will easily defeat him.
• Ben & Serena will come to family dinner as a date and make everyone uncomfortable.
• Eric starts hanging out with Nate more and they realize they're both still disenchanted with Serena. They bond over how dumb she is but Nate doesn't really get Eric's jokes. Too esoteric.
• Chuck marries Raina, and when Montel Thorpe finds out he is PISSED.
• Lily spends another 3 weeks at the Arizona spa or whatever. When is this belly going to start showing?

Snooks Falls In Love & Asleep In The Dog Bed

It was supposed to be a hard act to follow, last week's episode. Sammi threw a punch! And yet this week's installment of the 2.5th season of the Jersey Shore went WAY above and beyond. Ronnie got a butt disorder, Snooki fell in love, and the stalker returned! Holy pastazoli.

Let's start with a Ronnie-heavy jersey malapropism count (I should find a different word for this):
1. "I've dranken a lot more than I drank tonight." -Ron Ron
2. "It's like, one step forward, two step backs." -Ronnie again
...and then the rest of the quotes I noted were just funny without being particularly wrong:
3. "It was wrong of me to laugh. Who wants to bleed out of their butt? I wouldn't." -Sammi Sweetheart
4. "Let's go about our day. (nodding in recognition) Slip and Slide." -Snooks
5. "Everybody google it because that's the reason the ocean's so salty. All the whale sperm." -Snooki
6. "I look like a hot, drunk baseball player right now." -Shnickers
7. "Jiminy cricket!" -Snookington

"Slip n Slide. Good day."

And now for my very well thought out explanation and recap of their actions:

Ronnie drinks too much (because he's like that BUT REALLY because he's probably realizing that he shouldn't have gotten back together with Sammi last week), so he starts bleeding when he poops. This happens, apparently, and when it happens to Ronnie, he very clearly feels that he deserves a lot of deference because of it. And really, it's a good thought - one should bow to the demands of one's ailing-butted friends probably - but as with everything at the Jersey Shore, it gets taken to messy, misogynist extremes. He spends most of the episode mad at Sammi while she is out at the sex shop to please him. She hadn't cleaned out the fridge a week ago, and it's wrong for MEN to be COOKING and CLEANING in the first place, you see, so Ronnie (and his several, several steroids) was hopping mad when she got back. Not like when she punched him in the face.*

*It's my thinking that Ronnie didn't react when Sammi punched him because he knew that if he didn't convince himself he was paralyzed, he would have seriously knocked her out. 

Ronnie's friends had shown up earlier to reminisce at Karma and one of them got ensnared in Deena's beflowered mane. His name was Dario, I think because Deena only gets together with gentlemen whose names start with D. (Remember Dean/Deen?) The closer to her name, the better. I guess it has to do with trying to put both parties on the same level due to Deena's diminutive stature or potential trouble finding mates.

In between sleeping in a dog bed and breaking a tricycle at a pharmacy by riding it too much, Snooki falls in love!!!!!!! His name is Jeff, and he just happened to be at the club when she was that night. That's all. They dance, they kiss, and they do stuff that takes me out of the episode and demands that I think about the fact that they are actually doing this stuff on television for millions to see. Usually I'm focused in deep enough to the show to be able to function logically inside Seaside Heights, but sheesh, this time it really hits me. Anyway, they stay together for the night but don't do anything because Snooks remembers she's menstruating right at the last minute. He stays all night anyway and then falls down with the should-be-condemned stripper pole at Snooki's request. They fly over the beach in skybuckets and seem to be falling in complete love, and then I guess Snooki gets scared because when the guy brings up the ugly truth that he has been sort-of engaged before, she spazzes out big time. Completely. So much that she won't answer his calls on the duck phone, and Pauly D has to pretend to be an answering machine and a demented pizza boy just to show him what's what.

"Do you like magazine covers and/or public proposals?"

I remember hearing about this guy last summer when they were filming this season. About to be redeployed, Jeff the military guy took out a magazine cover to propose to Snooki Polizzi herself. She declined, saying that they'd only known each other for a month and not to worry because she was the same old Snooki. Will they continue to date after this episode for a month? Does that mean next week will bring a new guest to Sunday dinner??

Meanwhile the STALKER COMES BACK. Danielle the ex-Israeli soldier returns, and she wants to talk to Pauly D. She tells him he made her look like a stalker, and he tells her that he didn't make her do anything. Then somehow he invites her back to the house and it looks like it's just classic Pauly D, making the best of any situation. He puts on the "I (star of David) Italian Girls" or whatever shirt that she had thrown at him last year like she was tossing him a pack of benjamins. They flirt a little, and it's perfectly interrupted by a VERY drunk Vinny's Canadian cross - "Stalker!" - and is followed by a lot of in-depth questions from him about why she would ever dare come to their house. She leaves forever, saying "Have fun this summer," and hopefully she can hear the immediate "OHHHHHH! STALKER!"s coming from the as-yet-unshut door.

 "You got that right, Vin - Stork does sound like stalk!"

At the end, Sammi and Ronnie break up again and for an instant, I totally think that it's finally going to take. "It's Flowers for Shoregenon!" I type, not realizing the impending irony: the teaser for next week immediately shows Sammi searching for Ron in the club, desperate to "win him back." It truly is the story of Charley, friend of Algernon the mouse, two dummies destined for only a short-lived clarity. We should have taken a writing sample from Sammi at the end of the episode, but how could we have? It happened in August! And we have no lines of communication to the show! If we could have, you know it would've been like "mee +Ruun 4evr bikuz,, wii luv/ eech udder. Wait a minit, do we? Because if we did, we wouldn't be fighting this frequently or this desperately. Perhaps we ought to consider an end to our relationship. Butt then agin, he's so hott.! hees, teh hotest +i got2 win he bakk." Shoregenon, no!

Venkmans

The Venkmans improvisational comedy group has a new website!

The Domien

Thank God Damien's back. Without Vanessa and Little J, it had gotten almost too unannoying around the UES.

• First things first: Who cares about Chuck's new girlfriend? It's strange because she's got so much going for her: she's black, she's business-savvy, and she seems just as manipulative as Chuck. Then why does my stomach turn every time she's on the screen? Instead of feeling excited for Chuck's new prospect or devious for Chuck's new conquest, I just feel like, "eeeeeeeeeeeeeeuh." 

 

"You'll have to pardon me, but for the life of me I can't remember why on Earth I'm talking to you."

• I will say, though, that it was really fun to see Raina (Chuck's girlf) boss around her long-haired Asian temporary boyfriend. Maybe it's the actress because it really seems like on paper this kid would be awesome.
• Next things next: Serena's deadly obsession with her old teacher-crush/ex-con Ben. She really goes all out for this guy - wearing her chandelier earrings to their breakfast date, traveling all the way to a halfway house in Brooklyn to deliver a personalized farmer-tools gift basket, and demanding that Rufus offer him a room in the ole BK loft, which Lily most likely pays the mortgage for now. It's so clear that Serena's not going to find a new thing to focus on until she sleeps with the guy and freshly re-ruins his life. Remember when he was the one texting threatening things to his sister from prison? And now he's like, the most upright guy ever? Beating up ex-student/drug dealers, telling Serena that he Does Not Reciprocate. Serena's going to sexually burn him at the stake, mark my words.
• SERENA GOLD ALERT: When Blair and Serena find themselves up very early in their shared bathroom, Blair refuses to tell her where her new internship will be. Serena guesses, "You have an internship at...the donut shop?" lol, good one!
• Let's talk about Blair and Dan (Blain, Dair, Humpdorf if you will): Please God, please just let them stay friends. Or if they do get together, please PLEASE let it be like that one episode of Saved By The Bell where Jesse and Zack kiss and they're both really upset because they "felt something" but then when they do it again, they realize it was actually nothing and they're still best friends since kindergarten and nothing more. PLEASE. I love their before-work coffee dates. I love their snobby banter. I love them NOT GETTING TOGETHER. We all do!

Blair and Dan doing actual intern work. Fascinating!

• BLAIR GOLD ALERT: Her resume includes the fact that she has never owned a scrunchie. I would LOVE to see the rest of this resume. "Blair Queensington Waldorf. Height: 5' 7" (5' 10" in Louboutins). Weight: Omitted for tabloid purposes. Job Experience: I have never owned a scrunchie. [Then a lot of white space underneath until the bottom of the page.] References include the President of the United States of America. 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue."
• BLAIR GOLD ALERT 2: As Blair and Dan bicker/flirt all throughout their day at W, Blair distracts him by saying "Oh look, it's Georgina's baby!" BLAIROFL!

May this stapler grab be the only time Humpdorf touch each other.

• DAN GOLD ALERT: "You do realize I know Jeremiah Harris personally, right?" Classic Dan.
• A literary theory: Gossip Girl refers to Dan as "D" instead of "Lonely Boy" in one of her act break narrations. I can't remember how long it's been since Dan has been "Lonely," but this is a distinct suggestion that Dan is acting a lot like a certain "B" we all know. Great blogging, GG.
• BLAIR PYRITE ALERT: "Let go of me, you classless klingon!" or possibly "Cling-on." Uhh, what?
• Time to move onto less interesting things: The Captain & Nate the Mutineer. Nate told Chuck to tell Raina to tell her father to fire The Captain. And no one cared or did anything.
• And now for what we've really been waiting for: RUFUS BEING A TURD. At some point in the episode after we watch Rufus take 3 delicate bites of his yoghurt & forest berries for breakfast, he starts pulling a Serena all over the place and being like "Yeah Lily, why can't you just open up that confidential document in front of us? What are you hiding, you conniving jerk? I can't believe I let you pay for my loft and delicate breakfasts all the time when you're such a jerk!" And then he snatches the envelope out of her hands and gives it to Serena. Thank God Lily, the frequent divorcee, finds him so useful. He must vacuum or dust or something.
• Seriously, Rufus is like the Real Housewife of 1st Avenue. All he does is spend Lily's money and then say annoying things about how dishonest she is. Somebody get this guy a show on Bravo!
• Let's get through the Eric stuff so we can move on to one last Chuck thing: Eric's old boyfriend Jonathan came back so he could hang out with Lily for an afternoon and hear secondhand stories about Eric's trip to Stadt with his boyfriend Elliot. Then Eric hung out with Damien the Drug Dealer a lot because there's no one else in NYC who will listen to him. Then he FINALLY tells Serena what a bad and absent sister she is. All in all, I'd say Eric was a winner this week. Except that he always loses and seems to like it that way.
• CHUCK GOLD!!!! The 24k Edition: For one thing, Chuck can accurately price a $2000 suit upon one glimpse. He can also have a really sweet moment with Blair that makes me feel like maybe by the end of the season they can just get back together. But he just can't make Raina seem interesting...until the teaser for next week, when he outright explains that he's poaching her. BOO YAH!!

Have any of my predictions from last week come true yet?

• Jenny and Vanessa have stayed gone. BONUS!
• Rufus and his pearls - I get the feeling this is just around the corner. Keep a lookout.