Game Of Thrones Recap: Valar Dohaeris

OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!

Game of Thrones came back last night and I've already seen it twice and I plan to watch it a billion more times before next week's episode! I'm so happy! "Valar Dohaeris" was a large-scale episode with something like 12 distinct storylines so that we could remember where everyone left off at the end of last season, like we didn't all just rewatch season 2 to prepare. Welcome back, Game of Thrones. I've missed you!!!!!

I'll just go down the list:

SAMWELL TARLY & THE NIGHT'S WATCH
Last we saw Sam, he was peeing his pants in the middle of a huge throng of frozen zombies ("Wights") led by White Walkers ("Others"). Right now he's chugging it through the snow, trying to get back to the Wall to warn everyone. He runs into his now-headless friend and almost gets killed, but Ghost (Jon Snow's white direwolf) saves him. Lord Commander Jeor Mormont is pissed because Sam was supposed to do something with messenger crows. But where would he have sent them from?

JON SNOW & MANCE RAYDER'S CAMP
I am so into this giant, you guys. Jon sees his first giant and I LIKE this guy.

Eventually Jon presents himself to Mance Rayder, the leader of the free wildlings, and manages to convince him that he truly wants to defect from the Night's Watch. He saw what Craster does to those babies. He doesn't want to do business with people who do business with white walkers, so he's joining the descendents of the First Men. If that explanation is good enough for Mance, I guess it's good enough for me.

:( THE LANNISTERS :(
First things first, Cersei makes her way into Tyrion's new quarters and makes the exact same joke Pycelle made at the end of last season: Tyrion's so small, he doesn't need that much space to begin with. Haha! I love it when good shows repeat themselves. The joke will probably come back to haunt the taunters, but how and when?

Cersei heard that Tyrion wants to speak to Tywin and she wants to know what he's going to say. In better shape, Tyrion would've come up with a clever lie to tell his sister to keep her out of his hair. But right now, Tyrion is scarred and uncertain. How long has he been recuperating?

When he finally sees Tywin, Tyrion doesn't ask for recognition on the battlefield - instead he asks for Casterly Rock, since Jaime can't inherit it and Tyrion's next in line. It seems like the sort of request Tywin might respect, but unfortunately, Tywin still hates him A LOT for killing his mother.  He won't be inheriting Casterly Rock. But he does have that kickin' scar, so.

DAVOS DIDN'T DIE!
I knew it! I was hoping he didn't die! We saw Davos get thrown from the ship, but we didn't see him die, so he's here, alive, stranded on a big rock. He flags down a nearby ship that thankfully belongs to Stannis. On board with that black pirate guy (Salladhor Saan), he debates wanting to get Stannis away from Melisandre. "Either way you'll probably die," says Salladhor.

When he finally gets to Stannis's war table, Davos demands him to stop seeing Melisandre. Then he's stupid enough to pull a knife on her. She tells him they only lost at Blackwater because she wasn't allowed to be there. A) Who didn't allow her to be there? and B) I'd like to see what she would've done. I bet it would've been awesome if it worked. I'd like her to meet Daenerys and shit a brick.

ROBB & MOM
The Starks find Harrenhal completely sacked, and everyone there (save for one guy) has been murdered. Yikes + a little boring = this.

SANSA, LITTLEFINGER, & A COUPLE WHORES
Sansa and Shae speculate about the people who are allowed to leave King's Landing in the great ships in the bay. Sansa wants to leave, and although she refused Littlefinger's help last season, she seems to want it now. I don't know what Littlefinger wants and I don't want to know.

Ros and Shae, two prostitute foils who both enter the series servicing Tyrion Lannister, meet for the first time. Since Ros doesn't look bruised, I can only assume Cersei and Tywin figured out that she isn't Tyrion's real lover - but doesn't that mean they know it's Shae? Why isn't she bruised or, even more likely, dead? Ros warns Shae to look out for Sansa, especially around Littlefinger. I hope she lives long enough to do so.

JOFFREY & MARGAERY OF THE PEOPLE
On their way back to the castle, Margaery has her guards stop to let her visit an orphanage. Joffrey just sits in his lifty-box and pouts. She seems to really understand how to play this game, and in about ten or fifteen years, she'll have an orphanage's worth of young, fighting-age men who think the world of her. This bitch is flipping the script all over the place.

At dinner that night, Cersei tries to make her feel stupid for wearing a summery dress when it's slightly cold outside. Margaery takes the hit and serves it right back with a compliment to Cersei's ornamental armor. She's much better at verbal tennis than Joffrey is. Cersei talks about how dangerous Flea Bottom was when they threw a turd at Joffrey's face, and Joffrey's like "GOSH MOM CHILL IT'S FINE U OVERREACTED." The faces are amazing:

DAENERYS, DRAGONS, THE UNSULLIED & THE UNNIPPLED
Dany has used Xaro's fortune to buy a ship, and she's sailing to Astapor to get an army. Her dragons have grown, but not to the size the trailer suggested. They're like the size of flying goats, I guess. Is that a size?

Dany and Jorah Mormont talk to the human equivalent of Watto from Star Wars about buying his slave army. These men are bred for apathy and ruthlessness. One in four survives training, and those who do survive must kill an infant in front of its mother before they can join the Unsullied. Dany's disgusted, but Jorah convinces her that she's the best commander they could have. Some guy loses a nip. It's rough.

At the very end of the episode, Dany makes friends with a little girl in the market who tosses her a wooden ball. Inside the ball is a terrifying scorpion, and Dany narrowly escapes being bitten when a cloaked stranger stabs the thing to death. He chases the warlock girl (her teeth are blue and rotten) over the pier, but she ends up on a roof somehow and gets away. The stranger turns out to be Barristan Selmy, the head of the kingsguard for Dany's father as well as for Robert Baratheon. He wants to head up her queensguard now. I'm cool with it!

WELCOME BACK, GAME OF THRONES!

photos courtesy hbo.com and Watto courtesy of this place

Walking Dead Recap: Welcome To The [Dumb] Tombs

Dear Walking Dead,

Hi how's it going I am fine. But seriously though, what's going on with you? Is everything ok? Are you feeling alright? Because you're acting very weird. You used to be so exciting and interesting, sometimes even insightful. Lately I've been noticing a sluggish reticence in your pacing, a surprisingly unintelligent heft in your decision-making. Is something holding you back? Do you need a break? Well, good news. You're all done for the season. I wish I could say it was a whiz-bang ending, but buddy, I can't lie to you. YOU LEFT THE GOVERNOR ALIVE?

Forever yours,
Becky

Great news, the Governor's beating someone up. We think it's Andrea until it's revealed that Milton is the captive, and we revel in watching the nerdlinger really get it, right in his face. The Governor drags him to Andrea's cell, where she is handcuffed to King Kong poles yet clothed and seated in a chair at the same time. It's like the Sandals of torture chambers. Milton knocks over the tray of (as yet unused?) torture tools and picks everything up except a pair of pliers. That's Milton, always thinking. But for god's sake, don't leave something pointy like a screwdriver.

The Governor wants Milton to kill Andrea, and he will one way or another. Milton tries to attack the Governor but ends up with a mortal stomach wound, so the Governor locks him in the cell in the hopes that his reanimated corpse will kill her anyway. This is promising. Glenn fought off a zombie once with both hands tied to a chair and no tools - this should be a piece of cake.

Unfortunately, Andrea takes forever to do anything. She fiddles with the pliers using her bare feet and stops working whenever she talks to or looks at Milton. She offers to save him once she's free. Oh man, Andrea, come on. Did you know that she just didn't want anyone to die? I knew that because she keeps saying it 1000 times a minute. And all that talking means no handcuff-picking.

Milton could've left a sharper tool on the ground. Andrea could've asked Milton to die in a farther corner of the room. Milton could've tied his shoelaces together before dying. Andrea could've asked Milton to try to injure his head. Instead she drops the pliers with her toes.

Over at the prison, Carl's pissed. They're loading up the cars to abandon their season 3 home, and Carl must've been on the "stay & defend" side of the debate. Michonne thanks Rick for taking her in when he could've just snatched the baby formula out of her hands. It's nice to see Michonne talk so much, but her reasoning is flawed - I'd like to see anyone snatch anything out of her hands and live to tell.

The Governor brings all his troops (except Tyreese and his sister (we finally know it's for sure his sister!)) to the prison. Their military convoy comes equipped with Martinez shooting a freaking bazooka at all the guard towers and nearby zombies. A spike chain blows out their tires once they're in the yard, but they don't seem to notice. The Woodburians spill out of the trucks and approach the eerily empty cell block. Inside, there's a single booby trap - open this door and a siren and smoke bombs will go off - but it doesn't seem to attract all that much mayhem. The Governor's troops skedaddle pretty easily, considering their tires are blown out and the prison's other cell blocks are FULL of hungry zombies who are also attracted to siren noises and oh yeah, some of the prison gang is still around in full riot gear to snipe them. Is everything ok, Walking Dead? I only ask because you set something up and then forgot to have it pay off.

The Governor leaves Tyreese's white friend's kid behind, and the kid stumbles upon Carl and Hershel and Beth in the woods. Carl tells him to drop his gun, but he doesn't. He slowly hands him the gun, very fishily, and Carl's like "forget this" and just wastes him right there. Hershel is DUMBFOUNDED. Back at the prison, everyone says "We did it!" over and over, like they actually did something. It's very confusing.

Naturally Hershel and Rick have a very boring discussion about what it means that Carl actually did something while everyone else stood around scratching their butts. Is there too much Shane in Carl? Is that why we were supposed to be worried about Judith's paternity - because we should actually be worried about Carl's psyche's paternity? I'm not worried at all. I think Carl's great now.

The Governor honks very loudly at his convoy to get them to pull over and then he mows all of his people down with a machine gun. AND THEN MARTINEZ AND THE OTHER DUDE GET IN THE CAR WITH HIM. Why would they ever do that, Walking Dead? What are you thinking? The Governor just killed every remaining Woodburian who isn't an old woman or a baby. What assurance does Martinez have that he won't kill him? What can Gov possibly offer Martinez now? Why wouldn't Martinez and the other dude kill this psycho? Just because "the world's going crazy" doesn't mean people don't still need sensical motivations. Even if logic doesn't enter into their actions, characters still need to have brains. They're not just names on a script.

At this point there is a Star Trek trailer and it's probably the best part of this episode. Granted, the trailer for the newly revived The Killing was probably the worst part.

Rick, Daryl, and Michonne leave Carl behind yet again to storm Woodbury. On the road they come across the zombified massacre and one remaining Woodburian, a woman named Karen. She sure doesn't need to scare them by slapping the car window really loudly to let them know she's there. In fact, there are millions of better ways to tell people you're there.

Back in Andrea's torture chamber, she has one hand free. SHE HAS ONE HAND FREE AND SHE HAS A WEAPON IN THAT HAND BUT SHE DOESN'T KILL ZOMBIE MILTON WITH IT. No, instead she tries to jimmy her other hand free real quick. I can't.

Rick, Daryl, and Michonne bypass Tyreese because Karen is luckily a concise and effective enough communicator to explain the whole Governor massacre using only like 2-3 sentences. I guess she knows about the secret torture chamber or something because they find it immediately. Guess who got bitten in the neck. I'm done.

Here lies Andrea Dumbsmith, who "didn't want anyone to die." The only thing that's satisfying here is Michonne's grief for her friend. Andrea, for God's sake, you ran through the woods with a bag full of guns for an entire night once and you made it. You learned how to shoot a gun after being largely useless. You couldn't stab this nerd with your free hand? Pliers aren't pointy, but they do taper off. Were you out of adrenaline? Did you just want to die with your lover-dork, Milton? I can't do this!

A new day dawns on the prison as they bus all the old ladies and babies and Tyreese and his sister back to the prison. AND THAT'S THE END. Where's the Governor? What is the group headed for next season? "Eh, they won't care," The Walking Dead assures itself. WOW, SUCK A LEMON AND SIT ON IT!

Here is an elaborate fan fiction I have written to replace the last half of the episode:

The Governor knew he shouldn't be leading his troops from the front in this murky green hallway. He knew things were altogether too placid at the abandoned prison. But he kept leading the way, hoping to find something, anything that would put up a fight. He opened a door that set off a few smoke bombs and that grating prison siren. "Go back!" he shouted to the Woodburians, but when they turned they saw a stream of zombie prisoners coming at them. Little did they know, someone had propped open the door that connected the prison laundry center to the other cell blocks.

A middle-aged woman at the back went down first, hungry zombies enveloping her like ants on fallen candy. Her husband started shooting like crazy and accidentally took down two of his fellow troops. These were civilians, after all, and they'd never really been trained in this sort of situation. The hallway quickly filled up with multiplying shuffling ghouls.

The Governor found his way out of the cell block back out into the prison yard with about half of his troops only to be met with Glenn and Maggie's fire from the catwalks. The last Woodburian to exit the building closed the door behind him, and that was the last thing he ever did. The Governor and his remaining troops hobbled back to their convoy, but they found they couldn't get the traction they needed to escape effectively. Their tires had been blown out when they arrived. A grenade landed softly on the grass near their trucks and exploded. Back at the prison, Daryl smiled a weary half-smile.

"Did we do it?" asked Maggie. "We can't be sure," said Glenn, knowing that if he didn't see the Governor die, he was likely very much alive. The prison group met up in the yard and closed the fence to their old cell block, which was now overrun by zombies. "Thank God Axel and Oscar cleared out cell block B," says Carol. It would be the gang's new home.

Out in the woods, Carl killed an escaping Woodburian teenager. Carl recognized him from Tyreese's group, but he knew what had to be done. He dropped him while Hershel looked on in terror.

Back at Woodbury, Andrea knew Milton didn't have much time left. She urged him to tie his shoelaces together and possibly even knock out his own teeth. He left pliers on the ground, after all, and what do they do best besides grip and pull? But he was too exhausted from pain to pull out his teeth. "Hand me that zombie stick," she yelled, seeing one in the corner. She'd been seeing them all this time and she knew they would inevitably serve her purpose. Milton threw his body weight toward the zombie stick, but he couldn't reach it. He flopped onto the floor closer to Andrea than he was before. "Come closer, Milton. I want to be close to you because we're both going to die," offered Andrea. He scootched himself closer to her, and he started to tell her something. "Wait, bring your head closer," said Andrea. "I want to hear this." He put his head as close to her as possible and closed his eyes. He was telling her about his freshman year at UGA. As quickly as she could, Andrea shoved her foot back into her boot and stomped his head in. She kept stomping and stomping, knowing that he deserved a more dignified death but knowing that in this game of zombies, you win or you die. She put her foot into Milton's head so many times, a few teeth flew up at her face. Spent, Andrea looked at her pliers. "How on earth am I going to make these undo my handcuffs?" she wondered aloud.

Back at the prison, Rick gathered his trifecta. Daryl and Michonne stood at the ready, but Carl made his case to go with them to Woodbury: "If the Governor went back there, he's going to know where to hide. He might know where to do it, but I'm smaller and I've got more patience. I'll hide while you guys look around for Andrea. If he comes out, I'll do what needs to be done." "It's not safe," said Rick. "Besides, how do we know she's even there?" "Last we saw, she went back to negotiate. She didn't come with them to the prison. She's there, Dad," reasoned Carl. "Good thinking, son," replied Rick. "But you're still not coming."

Rick, Daryl, and Michonne drove out to Woodbury without realizing Carl had slipped into the trunk. They came to Tyreese's wall and told him what had just happened. He was reluctant to let them in, but his sister reasoned with him - "They never asked us to kill anyone, Tyreese." As soon as they got inside the perimeter, a grenade went off just barely far enough away from their car not to kill them. "Alright, Governor. Come on out," said Rick.

The Governor came out onto Main Street carrying a toddler in front of him. "Always leave your women and children at home, where they're safest," he said. "That doesn't make any sense," said Rick. "Please, let that child go free." "Uh uh, no wayyyyyyy," drawled the Governor.

Rick stood there with his gun pointed and thought back to the time Carl was shot in the woods. He watched his son go into shock on Hershel's bed, his bloodless face clenched in unconscious pain. He thought he saw Lori out of the corner of his eye, but it was only Tyreese's sister. She was watching in terror. Rick looked to Michonne and Daryl for counsel. They both looked back wordlessly, their faces steely but unable to give him the nod.

"You can't do it, can you?" taunted the Governor. "Your side has always been weak. That bitch didn't have any trouble murdering my daughter, did she? But you, Rick, you've never had it in you. You-" but the Governor's head exploded before he could finish his next thought. Rick looked back at Michonne and Daryl. They hadn't moved. Neither had Tyreese nor his sister. Andrea walked out of a nearby building, but she was just as nonplussed as everyone else.

Carl jumped out of the tree he'd been perched on, his gun still smoking. He walked through the stunned survivors and took the toddler's hand, being sure to keep the kid's face pointed away from the now headless Governor. "You're going to be ok now," he said to the 3-year-old. Rick could only look at him. He was speechless. "I guess y-you're the Governor now," stammered Tyreese. It was unclear if he was talking to Rick or to Carl. The town of Woodbury never looked so empty.

photos courtesy amctv.com

Walking Dead Recap: This Sorrowful [American] Life

As of last night's Walking Dead episode, the two day period between Rick & the Governor's summit and Rick & the Governor's follow-up summit has lasted two weeks. Is it vital that we know every single detail of that 48-hour period? Is the writers room running low on cool ideas before the season finale? How many adult men can we turn crazy in the same weekend? All of them, I guess. Morgan, the Governor, Rick, Merle, and now Daryl (sort of) have all gone crazy. Get crazy!

Rick's gung-ho for the Governor's flimsy "bring me Michonne and I'll leave you alone" deal. Neither Hershel nor Daryl love the idea, but Merle thinks it's worth a try. He warns Rick about what the Governor will most likely do to Michonne, however, and it sounds pretty rough. For the first time, Merle looks conflicted - he's wary that Rick's plan will inflict a lot of undue pain, but he's by no means shrinking from the idea. Also, he's tearing mattresses apart looking for prison dope, so.

It's no secret that Merle has full moon crazy eyes now, and he seems to be formulating a plan. He knocks out Michonne and sneaks her out of the prison, as if he expects Rick to change his mind. He's taking her to Woodbury no matter what, and he's giving the rest of the gang a clear conscience by doing it alone.

Ever the watchful eye, Rick doesn't realize she's gone for hours. He goes looking for cable to tie her up as Lori spies on him and Hershel reads Psalm 91:1-7 (KJV) to his girls:

91 He that dwelleth in the secret place of the most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty.

² I will say of the Lord, He is my refuge and my fortress: my God; in him will I trust.
³ Surely he shall deliver thee from the snare of the fowler, and from the noisome pestilence.
⁴ He shall cover thee with his feathers, and under his wings shalt thou trust: his truth shall be thy shield and buckler.
⁵ Thou shalt not be afraid for the terror by night; nor for the arrow that flieth by day;
⁶ Nor for the pestilence that walketh in darkness; nor for the destruction that wasteth at noonday.
⁷ A thousand shall fall at thy side, and ten thousand at thy right hand; but it shall not come nigh thee.

This all finally boils together in the stockpot of Rick's brain as a good reason not to take Michonne to Woodbury, after all. He finally realizes that Merle's already taken her, so Daryl volunteers to catch them before they reach the Governor. Why he doesn't take his SS motorcycle is beyond me.

In the meantime, Glenn tells Hershel he understands what his antique watch means (the one Hershel's first wife kept for him even though he pawned it because he used to be such a miserable lush): he wants to marry Maggie. Although that's not at all what the watch means, Hershel gives his blessing. Heck, why not? Well for starters, because there's no point in a Zombiepocalypse, because it increases the chance that they'll try to get pregnant (thereby endangering the group even further), because this is an existence without burden of visitation rights, because it will make Glenn and Maggie react more selfishly in the future, because one million more reasons that are just as good. But sure, go ahead and "let her know before 'who knows'." God knows words aren't enough. Glenn snatches a lady zombie's engagement ring and two fingers with it.

Merle ties Michonne up to a post in a motel parking lot while he hotwires a car. Soon the goddamn car alarm goes off and attracts every walker in the area. With limited mobility and zero weapons, Michonne fights off two of them, but eventually Merle pauses his insane reverie to save her from the rest. Hey Merle, great having you back in reality. Just kidding, you're still a complete psychopath. If I had a nickel for every time I wrote that sentence.

Michonne does her best to talk him out of taking her to Woodbury. She tells him he's no better than a henchman, and she asks how many people he killed before he met the Governor. Merle doesn't think he deserves redemption even though he recognizes all he's done wrong, so he lets her out of the car and crazy-eyes his way to destiny on his own.

Michonne runs into Daryl on the way back to the prison. He's really booking it.

Merle gets drunk and blasts the car stereo to attract as many zombies as possible. He leads the gathering pack to the halfway point where the Governor waits. Merle kills a few of the Governor's guards in the chaos of shooting the attacking zombies, but eventually the Governor finds him. He bites off two of Merle's remaining fingers and shoots him in the chest. Merle Dixon: A man who must have given people the finger more than a few times in life has lost 7/10 of them in death.

Back at the prison, Rick tells the gang that he can't be in charge anymore - they have to vote on everything, starting with leaving the prison or staying and defending it. Remember when they voted on whether to kill that kid with the broken leg last season? And it took forever and they still didn't agree on an answer? This is probably a great idea going forward.

Michonne makes it back to the prison around the same time that Daryl makes it to the aftermath of the halfway point dust-up. He knows what he's looking for, and the poor guy cries and cries when he finally finds it - Zombie Merle.

Zombie Merle wants to eat Crying Daryl, but Daryl keeps pushing him away. Hey look, another Dixon Brothers metaphor: Daryl pushed his brother's negative influence away time and time again in life only to finally push his destructive tendencies away in zombie un-death. He stabs him in the head several times and collapses on the ground. Keep an eye out for the other zombies, buddy. You're gonna make it. But keep an eye out, though.

photos courtesy amctv.com

Make Your Own Maxine Wallpaper!

Are you like me? Did you spend your childhood days getting dragged to the Hallmark Store by your mother? Do you see a blank wall and wish there was wallpaper there? Did you go to K-Mart just after New Years and spend your fun money for the week on a Maxine page-a-day calendar? Great news: you can make wallpaper out of it!

As you can see here, I've been saving each hilarious Maxine cartoon since January 1st and taping it to the wall in my office. Once that space filled up, I moved it over to another wall:

What's great about this type of wallpaper is that when the wind picks up, you get nice movement through the pages. 

Lately I've been drawing on some of the cartoons with a red colored pencil. I regret it now. Here are a few pages I've selected to show how hilarious Maxine is. She's a real crab apple. And she stopped smoking!

 

 

Here is one that's not funny on purpose but very funny because of the applause sign and kerchief and hand puppet:

Congratulations, now you can have the best of the best just like me! Maxine on every wall, embodying life and love. Every single day of 2013.
 

She tells it like it is, dipsticks.

Walking Dead Recap: Eat "Prey" Zombie

Last night two very important things finally happened on Walking Dead last night: Andrea finally made a move, and the Governor finally came out as Officially Crazy. This was another tunnel-vision episode, exclusively following Woodburians, and I think this mode of storytelling is working out well for this season's apparent lack of things to do. If this is the week Rick takes Michonne and Carl back to King County, I don't want to watch Milton wipe down beakers half the time. If this is the week the Governor finally goes for-real-totally crazy, I don't want to watch Merle rack his brain for more cool misogynist almost-insults. Great news, Merle - you've got another week to brainstorm!

The episode opens on a flashback of Michonne and Andrea's honeymoon in the woods. Andrea finally asks who these walkers were back before they were zombified, but Michonne doesn't want to talk about it. The memory seems too painful. But not as painful as these chains the Governor is setting up in a secret Woodbury torture chamber! [Spoiler Alert] OH BOY, COMICS! [End of Spoiler].

Milton's onto this torture business and he whispers his concerns to Andrea. They spy on the Governor from above as he whistles some dumb song that's supposed to be scary, but no whistled song is scary anymore unless it's "Twisted Nerve" by Bernard Herrmann (Kill Bill, AmHorSt, etc). Not even "Singing in the Rain" is that scary anymore. So the Governor is whistling some dumb song and Andrea ALMOST shoots him right then and there, but Milton pushes the gun away. Milton, you useless, useless, dumb loser.

So Andrea decides it's time to leave - FINALLY, ANDREA DECIDES TO DO SOMETHING - but Martinez stops her to grab her gun real quick. At the fence, Tyreese and his [daughter? something else?] try in vain to stop her. She's gone before they can shrug and go "oreo...?"

To reward Tyreese & Co. for being very useless, Martinez drives them out to the zombie pits where they're storing up zombies for the long winter. Just kidding, they won't be storing them for long. They'll use them to unleash mayhem on the prison. Tyreese doesn't seem into the idea, but his white-guy friend is all too happy to do whatever it takes to stay in Woodbury. He has a teenage child, you see. Not like Tyreese?

Meanwhile, Andrea runs anywhere from 5-50 miles through the woods with nothing but a pocket knife and gumption. When she stops and leans on a tree to catch her breath, a zombie grabs her by the neck from behind! The noise attracts more zombies, and the whole scene looks eerily like a zombie trap, designed for and by zombies. She fights her way out, but I mean...uh oh??

Somehow the Governor placed a GPS tracker on Andrea's tucked-in pants or something because he drives exactly to where she is. She loses him at a treeline, but somehow he figures out her exact exit-point from the forest. His loud, honking pickup truck meets her at a creepy warehouse. This must be a bad dream because the logic here is at best phantasmagoric.

She leads him through the warehouse making tons of noise, and it's up in the air whether she's doing it on purpose or not. He whistles, makes weird psycho-voiced threats, and breaks all the glass in the room with a shovel. Then he hangs up one of those party banners that says "It's Official: I'm a NUTBAG!"

 

Over at the zombie pits, somebody's wasting a bunch of gasoline to burn all the imprisoned walkers. I'd guess that zombies burn up pretty easily on their own - they're dried out, they do nothing but bump into each other all the time - but I guess it's worth it to waste all that hard-siphoned gasoline. Just kidding, I am beyond upset about this. Seriously, if I were in a Zombiepocalypse and someone wasted gas like this, I would spring into a murderous rage. IT IS NOT FUN FOR ME TO SIPHON GAS, A-HOLE. FIX. THIS.

Luckily, Andrea finds a stairwell full of zombies in the warehouse. She coaxes the Governor into her trap, opening the door and hiding behind it so that all the hungry zombies stream right toward him. This is a smart decision by Andrea, bringing the count up to like 1 or 1.1 or something low like that.

Foolishly, Andrea leaves the Governor for dead, which is a bad, bad idea. Somehow he escapes the mini-herd of zombies that were reaching for his delicious brains not one minute ago. He comes up behind her just as she approaches the prison. Uh oh. That torture chamber just popped back into everyone's mind.

Tyreese admits that he set fire to the zombie pits, but when the Governor gets back he asks where he got the gasoline. Tyreese is like "durrrr, gaso-what???" which makes no sense at all. If Tyreese didn't really set the fire but is taking credit for it, wouldn't he at least pretend to know there was gasoline involved? Wouldn't a better, more sneaky question from the Governor be something like, "How did you set the fire?" so that the burden of bringing up gasoline falls to Tyreese? This is all a nonsensical dream. If you lie about committing a crime, you cop to whatever the accuser asks about. That's kindergarten.

So this is how we find out Milton set fire to the pits, and it still makes no sense. I guess he wants the Governor to kill him but he doesn't really want to kill the Governor. Oh, Zombiepocalypse Stress Disorder! You are confusing because you are a hypothetical psychosis!

By the way, the Governor is outwardly lying about letting Andrea get away. No one knows he's got her locked up in [Spoiler Alert] Michonne's [End of Spoiler Alert] chains. And to think, Andrea could've escaped if only she weren't living in an actual nightmare.

Next week: The prison gang finds a new room in the prison that's their kitchen at home, but not their real kitchen, just like a kitchen they know is theirs even though it's like, completely different. Then it turns out they all came to school naked!!!!!!!!!

photos courtesy amctv.com and The Walking Dead wikia

Walking Dead Recap: Arrow On The Doorpost

Communication is key. So many wars have been avoided by leaders engaging in simple heart-to-heart chats, just by seeing eye-to-eye, or no wait, that's not true at all, and it's definitely not true of Walking Dead, either. Rick and the Governor meet up in a dilapidated barn to hammer out some sort of truce, but they end up back where they started: a Zombiepocalypse where men pose more of a threat than walkers. Now that's crazy.

Right off the bat, the Governor and Rick waltz into a barn and circle each other for a while before Gov suggests dropping their weapons "in good faith." He puts his gun belt on the table, but then he sits down next to a gun taped to the underside of the table. This is stupid. Obviously even if he puts his first gun down, Rick would be expecting him to have a secret second gun. So it DOESN'T MATTER if it's under the table or in his pants or up his nose. This isn't The Godfather. Nobody patted anybody down.

Outside, the Governor's crew makes friends with Rick's crew. Martinez and Daryl have an impromptu zombie kill-off and realize they'd make cool rebel friends. Daryl's even like "You army or somethin'?" That's basically the same as saying "I like your whole deal. Can we please be friends immediately forever?"

Hershel and Milton bond over Hershel's amputated leg and how Milton never thought of such a clever idea. Milton was the worst, most useless scientist on earth before the Zombiepocalypse. Now he's the king of the losers. It's like in Saved By The Bell how there were nerds, who were smart, but then there were dorks and doofuses, who were lame AND stupid. Milton falls into the lame AND stupid group. He wants to see Hershel's stump, but Hershel's like "at least buy me a drink first!" Nobody makes Hershel seem cool and edgy like Milton does.

Back at the prison, Merle wants to go AWOL and assassinate the Governor. Nobody will let him  because Rick said to stay put, so Merle gets into a roll-around fight with Glenn. Nobody can stop the carnage but Beth, who shoots a bullet into the ceiling. THANK you, BETH, for ruining an otherwise watertight shelter. How about you sing some Travis Tritt song up through the hole in the roof so MORE zombies can come and stand outside the prison?

Rick and the Governor just aren't seeing eyes-to-eye. Rick wants to use a nearby river as a natural boundary to their claims, but the Governor just wants to be a COMPLETE PSYCHO. Andrea can't understand it. They send her away and she walks out of the barn like "Oh boy, I don't know what to do with my hands right now oy oy oy oh boy!"

It looks like we've found another foil for Rick in this crazy Governor guy. His wife died, too, and he had a child he struggled to protect. With Morgan's son and the Governor's daughter dead, the fact that Rick's son is still alive seems like a lucky fluke. Remember when Carl got shot in the chest? Looks like Rick needs to add "survivor's guilt" to his long list of cognitive issues. PS I keep hearing a baby cry in the background. Add it to the list.

The Governor lays it out for Rick in a pretty clear way, for a crazy person: Bring him Michonne and he promises he won't attack the prison. I guess Milton's worked out a way for Michonne's presence to bring back Gov's eyeball. Because otherwise, it has become incredibly clear that the Governor is a sinister, torture-loving freak. He wants Michonne so he can mutilate her, plus much, much worse. At least we know who we're dealing with now? Just kidding, we always knew.

Maggie and Glenn finally have sex for the first time since the Governor made her take her top off. This is a good thing for them, theoretically, but for me it's a heart attack waiting to happen because who knows when a bunch of zombies will come pouring into whatever love shack they've created? It's nice to add dimension to their relationship, but PLEASE close the door a LITTLE more, just in case, please?

Rick and the Governor part ways, agreeing to meet again in two days. The Governor immediately orders Martinez to reneg on their deal if he should see anyone from the prison gang march up with Michonne. Kill them all but leave Michonne, he says. It's the "best way to avoid a slaughter." "That is a slaughter," says Milton, who I guess grew a brain & a pair in the last ten minutes. Then Mister Guv'na does a sloppy walk-and-talk with Andrea where he lies a bunch and she side-eyes him incredulously.

Rick tells the prison gang that it's hopeless - the Governor wants to kill them all. Outside he secretly tells Hershel about the Michonne deal. Hershel's like, "Welllll, she's helped us out a lot so far..." but Rick's like, "Wellll would you rather her stay alive or your daughters?" Somehow no one brings up how unlikely it is that the Governor would keep his honorable offer once he gets Michonne. Be smart, guys. And get some sleep, for God's sake.

photos courtesy amctv.com

Walking Dead Recap: For CLEAR, Dry Eyes

Last night's Walking Dead stuck with Rick, Carl, and Michonne for the entire hour, and I wish every episode would follow suit. Throw in Daryl for good measure, but that's all I need. I don't need the Governor's superslow creepiness, I don't need Beth's a cappella concerts, and I don't need Andrea's dumb tucked-in pants. I just need Rick, Carl, Michonne, maybe Daryl, and maybe this chair, and that's all I need! ...And this lamp! But that's all I need!

Rick, Carl, and Michonne are on a day trip back to Cynthiana, or wherever Rick's from in the tv version. I just looked it up and it's King County, GA, which is not a place. And Georgia has more counties than any other state (besides Texas)! So they're taking a quick jaunt over to a neighborhood that's only a day away, which could easily set up camp in, and why they're visiting isn't exactly clear. But you know what? I don't care!

They pass a hitchhiker on the way, and Michonne speeds right by, ignoring his miserable cries to be picked up. It's always the most recent members that want to make the club more exclusive, you know? Like, Michonne, they let you in and you're already on your second chance. What did this poor shlub ever do to you? They get stuck in the mud at the camp where the Governor sawed that guy in half (and picked up Andrea & Michonne), and the hitchhiker catches up to them again. But not before they're like "vrooooom vroooooom see yaaaaaaa! WOOoooooo!"

I guess Rick has brought the mini gang back home to get more guns out of his precinct, where he has keys. Didn't he clean that out during the pilot, though? Or at least show Morgan how to clean it out? I figure he could visit other precincts along the way to stock up. "But he doesn't have keys, Becky!" But surely a zombified policeman hanging out at the station would!

Nope, a better idea is to have a look around in King County, where the walls are spray-painted with inviting phrases like "Turn Around & Live." There are like five or six skateboards lined up perfectly. Oh God, oh boy. I'm pretty sure this is post-apocalyptic skateboard brigade HQ, and I for one don't want to stick around to meet those guys.

Eventually a zombie woman following them runs into a trip wire, which makes a sniper come out and start shooting. Rick and Michonne decide to try to snipe the sniper, even with CARL THE CHILD around, COMPLETELY UNPROTECTED. Somehow Michonne appears on the roof just as the guy appears on the ground, and Carl shoots him right in his bullet-proof vest. Doesn't Carl wear a vest sometimes? How about right now?

Guess what, the sniper is Morgan. DUH, WE KNEW THAT FROM SECOND 0.01 OF THE EPISODE. But did we realize he's crazy?? YES WE SAW ALL THAT GRAFFITI. But did you realize the entire place was booby-trapped??? THERE ARE SPIKES EVERYWHERE. I HATE THIS PLACE.

Rick sends Carl and Michonne on a crib shopping spree and waits around for Morgan to wake up in the booby-trap funhouse. Instead of being like "Hey, remember me? We saved each other's lives a little less than a year ago - you saved me from zombies and I supplied you with guns and ammo. We are friends and I want to help you. Please, please don't hurt me," Rick just sits there in the chalkboard paint-covered room, scratching his butt.

Remember when Rick was obsessed with his walkie-talkie reveries? And he'd talk and talk and talk like he was freakin' Walt Whitman over here? Well it turns out Morgan, who is completely crazy now, never heard them. Or if he did, he wasn't really listening. Because when Rick said he had to move his camp out of walkie-talkie range, Morgan was like "???! Oh, that's IT!!!" And he's been very upset with Rick ever since.

While Morgan and Rick crazy-babble back and forth like twin babies, Carl and Michonne begin their cribventure. Carl tries to shake Michonne to get something else for Judith, but she follows him nonetheless, thank goodness, and they end up at a zombie-filled diner. Carl's there to fetch the last remaining photograph of Lori Grimes.

They slide rat cages into the diner to distract the zombies, but one gets loose and ruins the plan. Zombies everywhere. Michonne and Carl barely escape, but the photo doesn't. Telling Carl to "wait here - no more bullshit - wait here," Michonne slips back in and grabs the picture, as well as an art deco cat statue. "It's gorgeous," she says, and for the first time I'm like "A-THANK YOUUUU, NICE TO MEET YOUUUUUUU!!!"

This didn't strike me during the episode and isn't important, but look how photoshopped this still looks:

I didn't even DO anything to it!!

The Foil Dads (not only are they foils for each other; they're wearing foil hats! BECAUSE THEY'RE BOTH CRAZY) swap sob stories. Morgan explains that Duane died and turned because he was face-to-face with his zombie mom and couldn't pull the trigger. Rick explains that Lori died giving birth to Judith, but Morgan just spins it into "you got a new baby and you didn't have to watch your wife become a zombie." C'mon, Morgan. This is a 2-way street, buddy.

Rick invites Morgan to come live at the prison, where it's safe and there are other people, but Morgan's like "lol no way." He knows how badly people must want to take over that prison, and he's not trying to jump into that mess. Carl apologizes for shooting Morgan, but he's like "SON, DON'T EVER BE SORRY!" Now I'm sorry. This whole apocalypse thing is just awful.

Rick, Carl, and Michonne drive back the way they came and pass a bloody corpse on the road next to an orange backpack. In an exceptionally bleak, what-the-everloving-fuck final image, the car rolls back to pick up the backpack and then speeds off again. Good God.

photos courtesy amctv.com