ANTM Recap "Rachel Zoe"

"I guess it's possible that you somehow didn't see it, but I was on Gossip Girl, actually."

Yet again, my dvr didn't record ANTM on its own, so my recap begins in the midst of the Covergirl direct-your-own commercial challenge. I'll make SURE it's going to record on time next week. OR ELSE. Do you hear me, Time Warner? So help me!

Somehow Monique (Olivia Munn) is a capable director, and it is weird. Who is even named Monique these days? None of this adds up. Alexandria (Natural Swag) screws up her commercial several times and takes it upon herself to call "Cut!" and "Action!" every time. Then in her confessional interview, she uses the phrase "nailed it!" At one point, Jay is like "Alexandria, you called 'Action!' in all of your scenes. You should not do that." And Natty Swag is like "I was saying to myself, 'Action.'"

In the end, Brittani and Mikaela and Kasia win and will have a webisode on the internet or something. When/where can I see it? I will find out and tell you. Tyra Mail! They're taking a walk on the wild side!!! With a baby jaguar.

That night, Olivia Munn waits for NatSwag to cry into the confessional camera about domestic abuse, then goes and reads her diary. How the whole situation does not blow up is a mystery to me. OMunn even asks Molly if she should tell Alexandria she read it. COME ON!!!

The girls go to the Zoo to model Zoe's faux furs. Get it? The Zs? Rachel Zoe, that is. Stylist to the teensy, bag lady stars! The girls will all pose with a baby jaguar named Baby J after its mother and father.  Sometimes the jaguar is squirmy and sometimes it's not. The girls' success level rises in direct relation to how vampirish they act. See:

Olivia Munnique

Mikaelampire

Kasia is like, a human bathtub to the cat, which keeps desperately trying to escape. Mister J tells her to put down the jaguar and pose, and then when she poses he's like "...Do you think that's flattering?" She ends up with a picture that illustrates the struggle, but it ends up kind of good:

Kasia

Dalya is terribly boring and Natural Swag had a hard time keeping her nipples inside her shirt the whole time.

Dalya

Alexandria

At Elimination, we see the rest of the girls' pictures. They are:

 
Molly, whose hand the judges think is ridiculously large. I don't know, then wouldn't you have to say that the baby jaguar looks like an adult jaguar? And isn't that against all logic? They also think she's cross-eyed. I look at this and think, 'Wow, she is working really hard to keep her eyes from crossing right now.'

 

Jaclyn (Baby Voice) has a universally beloved picture, but Tyra notices that it's got Little Mermaid Poster Syndrome. That is, there's a certain look on her face and there's a hidden hand where there should definitely not be a hand. 

See:

Then there's Brittani, of whom there is no picture on CWtv.com. She looks more posh than freakin Eloise ovah here! Andre Leon Talley insists that she is a "fabulous, fabulous woman in control of her own destiny!" Yep!




Hannah's picture is amazing, yet similarly not pictured on the website's photo bank. She wins this week for the picture that was taken during this picture.








In the end, Molly and Dalya end up in the Bottom Two. It's pretty stupid to think that they'd send Molly home for their dumb hair. Then Tyra says something about Molly seeming vacant throughout her entire film, and that does seem accurate, and oh look, Tyra's right again.

Dalya gets booted, and next week brings a public harassment challenge. "BUT MISS J SAID YOU'D KISS ME ON THE LIPS!!!"