Miley Cyrus's SNL: A Recap From Memory

I have been entirely delinquent in writing up SNL recaps lately, and it's a shame because I've been finding the past few episodes solid to say the least. Let's see here...Paul Rudd, that was a good one... Anne Hathaway, I think I missed that one (no I didn't, it was the one with all the singing)...Russell Brand, I wish I hadn't watched that one...Dana Carvey, HOW DID I MISS THAT ONE?...Jeff Bridges, nailed it! (as always). Wow, what an absentee watcher I've been. Or perhaps an entirely present non-watcher. It all depends how you want to feel about me.

First of all:

WELCOME BACK, "LES JEUNES DE PARIS!!!!!!!"
This is the most All That-style sketch SNL does, and counterintuitively, it is also my FAVORITE sketch that SNL does.

And of course, all credit goes to Hulu and Nbc.com for not posting the video anywhere on the internet. Maybe there's a copyright issue with the song? 

And the rest:

Miley Cyrus, whose real name is Destiny Hope Cyrus (according to wikipedia), had Hoped that her Destiny might involve some successful sketches and jokes. And Cyriously, it halfway did!

Here is what Miley did well:

• a dead-on Justin Bieber impression on Vanessa Bayer's "Miley Cyrus Show" 
• mostly held her own on that monologue song about how she's "Sorry She's Not Perfect"
• that "Disney Channel Acting School ad," where she and Kenan-as-Raven Symone* showed kids how to scream over each other and react cartoonishly to stinky feet. I wish I had played a part in the production of this sketch. It felt really, really right.
• *Raven has actually lost a lot of weight these days, which I found out during my most recent semi-annual "Google Image Raven Symone" personal challenge.

Here is what Miley did not do as well (but we all understand):

• Fergie in the otherwise hilariously conceived "Our Time with Taboo & Apl.de.ap." Oh my God, what a great reason to get two really great impressions up there. NO ONE WANTS YOU, APL.DE.AP. Nor you, Taboo.
• That "New Products" infomercial with Kristen Wiig. Oh man, yikes. What on earth went on in the writers' room with that one? "Great idea! This is like a 'Steve Martin's Penis Creme' for the 2010s!" 
• "Cruise Ship Entertainer." Much like "'Steve Martin's Penis Creme' for the 2010s," this was a worse version of a much earlier sketch that I think maybe Rob Schneider(?) was in. He plays a guitar and sings on the street about how much he hates the people giving him money and how they should take their change back out of his guitar case. And when they take it out, he stops singing and is like "What are you doing? I'm an artist! Not everything an artist sings is about real life!" 

UPDATE: This is the transcript of the sketch, "Subway Guitarist," and I apparently had it backwards.

Here is what Miley Cyrus either barely did or didn't do at all:

• The "Duh! Winning! Cold Open" was just one more piece of inarguable evidence that Bill Hader is SNL's most valuable commodity. For as little as Hader looks like anyone he impersonates, he sounds EXACTLY like ANYONE he wants to sound like. In this case, Charlie Sheen. In other cases, an alien sportscaster. There are other examples but I'm already using up most of my memory just to talk about this episode, so we'll have to save it for later.
• "CBS Gurney Month Promo" - anything involving Meredith Baxter-Birney is OK by me. But let's all agree to keep Tina Yothers OUT OF IT.

The Weekend Update Update:

• Unfortunately I didn't take notes on Weekend Update and my office computer can't let me watch videos. Strike that, my computer can't want to let me watch videos. I am sorry, Seth Meyers. You were very, very on this week, which you usually are. I should go to ASSSSCAT more. Words can't express it, Seth Meyers, but with God as their witness, they will try: I am sorry. And I'll try to jot a few things down next time or whatever blah blah
• Guests I remember: The Devil talking about Westboro Baptist Church + Anthony Crispino, the secondhand gossip correspondent. 
• Do you ever notice while you're quietly chuckling at Anthony Crispino that the character could have been pulled directly from a 1975 WU? He's a lot like Gilda's Emily Litella. That is not a problem.

That's my recap from memory! Sorry, the Strokes - I did not want to try watching you even a little bit. Did you sing "Last Night?"

Congratulations, Miley Cyrus! One day your son or daughter can be called "Destiny's Child." Winning.