18 March 2012

The Last Time We Saw The Shore

This is it, my friends. This may very well be the end of Jersey Shore.  The Season 5 finale, "We Are Family," aired on Thursday, March 15th, 2012 -- a mere 2 years and change since it began in late 2009. Could the peak of reality television possibly last longer than that? The very thought is crazy:

As Pauly and Vinny await their roommates in the living room hot tub, Pauly quotes Home Alone: "This is it -- don't get scared now." Their guido siblings pour onto the astroturf and gawk at their furnitureless rooms. Eventually the girls find their beds and clothing rearranged on the roof, meticulously reinstalled. Almost everyone is amused. The Situation is very upset.

A thunderstorm threatens to soak their mattresses and shoes, so everyone but Mike brings their stuff inside. Mike sits around downstairs waiting for Pauly to unprank him, but obviously, that never happens. The roommates react to Mike's behavior in various ways. Pauly admits in a confessional that he thinks it's sad. Sammi tries to lighten the mood with jokes, but she doesn't get why he reacted differently from everyone else. Snooki calls him "Bitchuation."

Snooki and Bitchuation go to brunch together for some reason, and Mike tells her a rumor he heard about Deena's sister Joanie. A sexual rumor. One more opportunity to make Deena uncomfortable. Back at home, Deena blissfully irons her blonde extensions before fitting them to her head. She tells us her boobs are called "Devil" and "Angel."

The gang goes to Jenkinson's and Vinny immediately meets a lesbian couple who are more than dtf. I believe that disqualifies them from being technical lesbians, but I also know it's not my job to assign sexualities to people. Unless of course I'm writing about the extras on an mtv reality show. The title card reads "Holy Grail." Yes, because a true lesbian-lesbian-male threeway would be exceedingly rare.

You know what? That's probably wrong. At any rate, one of the lesbians looks like Matthew McConaughey. They do the deed, and one of Vinny's life goals is fulfilled. Right outside their door, Deena confronts Mike about the secret he told Snooki. Mike comes back at her with the least coherent response ever in the entire history of the world:
"I don't know, I mean, you know what I'm saying? She may have, she may have not." [Deena: "What did you say, though?"] "What did I said? Uh, who did I speak to? Who did I speak to? Uhhh I was actually, somebody might've overheard me on the phone, ok? And Unit told me they were like, 'yo, um, this is what happened,' they told me. So Snook mighta heard me on the phone..." [Deena: "So like, what was said?"] "Do you really wanna know? I'm not, I don't wanna say it because I don't wanna disrespect your sister. Unfortunately, unfortunately, they yeah, but to be honest with you, it's not a bad thing. Between me and you, guys are like, like when a guy hears that about a girl -- and it's not a bad thing -- they're like 'Holy shit! It's kinda cool!' It's cool as hell."
The fear in Mike's eyes is enough to signal his intense mental panic, not to mention the jumping and nervous energy and breathy terror. Mike, this may be my last chance to implore you to PLEASE GO TO THE BRAIN DOCTOR AND HAVE IT LOOKED AT. YOU TOOK QUITE A SPILL IN ITALY. YOU MAY HAVE BRAIN DAMAGE. PLEASE, GO TO THE DOCTOR. 

Around then, a tornado rolls into the far side of Seaside. Deena flips out, trying to get into the car and drive away so she's not a "stuck duck," and their lack of access to the weather channel only makes things worse. Snooki starts screaming. The power goes out. A few minutes later, everything's back to normal and the gang's going to Karma!!

Deena's older sister and Mike's older brother show up together. They seem to really like each other. I guess Jersey Shore has accomplished one good thing then, right? At least there's that.

Sammi buys a water balloon slingshot and stows it away for later that night. Jwoww and Ronnie cook dinner, burning their arms every few minutes and setting off the smoke detectors multiple times. Pauly throws one of the smoke detectors into the kiddie pool full of now electrified water.

At dinner, everyone applauds Sammi and Ronnie for being so cool these past few seasons. I can't believe they've pulled that off. I honestly can't believe that they observed their behavior on television, had a series of long talks, and finally figured out how to keep their passionate rancor under control.

Possibly the last awkward insert ever shows the Meatballs wearing fat suits. Tell me this will not be a miserably accurate vision of the future. Tell me they'll do a reunion season in a few years. Two years, tops.

After dinner, the girls unfurl their water balloon plan. It is immediately foiled by the boys and their attention to detail. They lock the girls out on the mattress patio and find much worse ways to pour water onto a person. Deena tries to escape by scaling the roof in flip flops. Ronnie throws a trashcanful of water. Deena gets pushed into the hot tub head over heels and accidentally shuts herself in with the lid. Deena, my old friend. Just got to keep livin'. L-I-V-I-N.

The next morning is the final morning of this grand fifth beachside adventure. Pauly wakes everyone up by screaming "Aw yeah, wake up yeah!" in their ears. Jwoww admits that she's going to miss that. Whatever happened to Jwoww and Pauly? The series never went full circle the way I wanted it to. Their relationship would have been the ultimate reversal of guido culture -- a screwball marriage of a goofy man and a powerful woman -- and it would have been the perfect ending to such an exaggerated lifestyle story. But it didn't happen. Sometimes even Jersey Shore doesn't hit a home run. So it goes.

The roommates' loved ones come to pick them up one by one, and Mike leaves alone in a gypsy cab. Pauly and Vinny say goodbye, and Vinny describes it as "just bitter, not sweet."

Deena leaves with the final words, "this place has definitely been a soap opera, but I'm not gonna lie, I'm addicted to soap operas." Our Deena will stay alive. That's for sure.

Finally Snooki is all alone in the house, walking around with a drink and saying goodbye to all the rooms. She talks about coming back next year, but I can't risk the hope. When her dad comes to pick her up, it will all be over. She tells us she could come back here until she's 90. You and me both, sister.

photos courtesy mtv.com

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