15 November 2013

American Horror Story Musings: "The Axeman Cometh"

In lieu of a recap, this week's shrine to Amhorst will be a hard-to-read stream of consciousness written while listening to Fleetwood Mac's Rumours:

Grace Gummer is a 1919 witch at the academy and the Axeman gets stabbed by billions of girls just like Julius Caesar. He deserves it but now it's like, what is he, a season 1 ghost? Can he hurt people or is he just a phantasm? Also the Axeman is such a stupid name for a murderer, but I guess you can't fault the nineteen-teens for coming up with stupid names. They did name the Titanic and the Great War and Woodrow Wilson. I feel like I went to high school with a kid named Woodrow?

Misty Day should've known better than to try to wash Kyle Monster's privates. What does she think is going to happen? I feel like even dogs are like "HEY WATCH IT" when you try to wash their privates. Who am I kidding I've never washed a dog. Hopefully one day Nan will be able to read Kyle Monster's mind and tell everybody about all the heinous incestuous rape that happened to him. Misty's like "nuh uh you can keep 'im. He broke my stevie-machine and now he ain't my friend" But Misty! You've raised an undead army by now! Myrtle, Madison, yourself. Plus Kyle Monster - sure, you didn't necromance him back to life, but you spread that alligator poop on him or whatever. And then there are all the Marie Laveau zombies, which are differently necromanced somehow? Wouldn't a lot of those corpses be just skeletons by now?

I looked up how long it takes a body to decompose down to a skeleton once and I think it was something like, if it's not in a coffin (or in an easily-entered-by-nature coffin), it's a skeleton in 10 years. But it could take up to 50 if it's in a nice coffin. And then probably mummies are way longer. I should look it up again but I won't. Honk if you're still reading this.

They should give Queenie better lines, but Queenie should give them a better line-reader. YOU GUYS GAVE UP ON EACH OTHER.

Spaulding getting tortured is hilarious and I think I'm in love with him. Spaulding hugging that scarecrow was the best thing I've ever seen on American Horror Story and that INCLUDES child rape ha ha oh boy just kidding. I AM JUST KIDDING AND NOW I WANT TO DIE. What else happened? Oh yeah Fiona's on chemo and she can read minds now. Is she the new Supreme?!?!?!!

OH YEAH, CORDELIA'S HUSBAND IS A WITCH MURDERER. Garrett was right. I thought it was impossible. I thought he was just a sloppy lover/idiot but he's actually a sloppy witch assassin who works for Marie Laveau? Hopefully Cordelia does some weird and terrifying stuff to him. Fleetwood Mac did "Don't Stop" Thinking About Tomorrow? Wow, this is such a wild day.

So the Axeman gets released in return for showing Zoe where Madison's corpse is (oh yeah I should mention that Madison going "I need a cigarette" as soon as she wakes up from a full week of rotting corpsehood was also the best thing I've seen on the show), and the first thing he does is pick up Fiona at a bar? Get a better hobby, freak. And NOT saxophone, if that's what you're thinking lololol. Total freak.

Things that still need to happen:
-Nan reads everyone's mind and figures out the whole thing
-Madison smokes a cigarette inside a coffin
-Misty Day should listen to "Don't Stop" because it's so different from all the other songs and that would make me laugh
-Fiona should do more coke and listen to more Iron Butterfly like in the first episode
-Cordelia needs to get way cooler, FAST.

photos courtesy fxnetworks and fanpop

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