07 November 2013

American Horror Story Recap: "Burn, Witch. Burn!"

Last night's episode of Amhorst was one huge fever dream. LaLaurie reminisced about the days when she would fill a bowl with real eyeballs and trick boys into thinking they were just peeled grapes. Fiona wandered the halls of that hospital from Walking Dead, looking for pills and stillborn babies to bring back to life. And somebody gave Zoe a chainsaw. I don't know what I'm looking at anymore.

Ridiculous Old-Timey Halloween Party, 1833: For some reason, Delphine LaLaurie likes to ruin potential matches for her daughters. As soon as one has a suitor, LaLaurie takes him to her "Chamber of Horrors" and presents actual human body parts instead of their harmless food proxies. Why is she so eager to chase these guys off? Why is she so cavalier about dropping clues that she's a sadist butcher? And how does this whole thing escalate even further to "let's kill mom" and "nuts, now we three daughters are condemned to the REAL chamber of horrors (the attic) for a year?"

Exceptionally Poorly Maintained Hospital, immediately after the acid attack: Fiona gets Cordelia to the hospital, where a doctor confirms that she's darfinitely bloind now. I feel like there's probably a spell for this kind of thing, but what comes of the blindness is cooler anyway. While Delia recuperates, Fiona goes looking for pills in the most dilapidated hospital hallway I've ever seen. She runs into a creepy old man in a sagging sheet-diaper, and she ends up in a room with a stillborn baby and a weeping woman. Where are the nurses? How many stillborn babies will it take to change these flickering light bulbs WOW THAT IS A DOOZY THERE. In an oxy haze, Fiona PICKS UP the stillborn baby, GIVES IT to the mother, and tells the mother to TALK TO IT. Then she touches it and leaves, and the baby COMES BACK TO LIFE. Where are all the nurses.

A Mansion Surrounded By Zombies, Even Though No One Is Acting Like It, simultaneous: NOBODY IS ACTING LIKE THIS HOUSE IS SURROUNDED BY ZOMBIES. The neighbor boy goes outside to prove that it's just 70 expertly-made-up adult pranksters, and he ends up with an ax to the back. Safe in an upper room with Queenie and Spalding, LaLaurie GOES DOWNSTAIRS to fix Queenie a glass of Coke in the kitchen, where she LETS ONE OF HER ZOMBIE DAUGHTERS IN and is immediately STRANGLED TO (I thought) DEATH. But by the time the zombie daughter gets upstairs and tries to kill Queenie, LaLaurie sneaks up and stabs it through the heart with a fire poker. WHY WOULD THE ZOMBIE DAUGHTER STOP STRANGLING LALAURIE? WHY DID SHE EVEN LET IT IN? WHY AM I STILL ASKING QUESTIONS.

The Front Yard Which Is Full of Zombies, simultaneous: Nan tries to drag the somehow-still-alive neighbor boy across the yard into (and out of) a car that's parked on the lawn(?), but she has miscalculated the zombies' speed and interest. So Zoe clangs pots and pans together to cause a distraction, eventually getting her hands on a chainsaw, which she uses to tear most of them apart. This should be a moment of triumph, but all the quick edits make it hard to feel confident that Zoe's in control. She turns off her chainsaw before one last zombie attacks - and she ends up casting some spell that completely takes Marie Laveau out of her levitative zombie-driver's seat. Is Zoe part Voodoo? Is this a new power coming to the surface?

Post-Apocalyptic Hospital, a little later: Remember when I said what comes of Delia's blindness is probably cooler than eyesight? Her husband (the adulterer/murderer) comes to visit and just by touch, she can see that he's a chump! She's got Chump Vision now!

No, the next day: The Council comes back to ask Fiona to step down as Supreme, since Myrtle Snow is convinced that the zombie situation is Fiona's fault. So naturally Fiona's like "no, and I sentence you to burn at the stake." THEN EVERYONE AGREES, EVEN MYRTLE. Fiona has evidence that Myrtle (a) threw the acid at Cordelia and (b) has been stalking Fiona and plotting her downfall for months if not years. So everyone marches down to the old witch-burning stake to the tune of Dr. John's "Right Place, Wrong Time." The albino secret service agent douses Myrtle in gasoline, Fiona flicks her cigarette, and FRANCES CONROY IS DEAD.

But guess what, dummies. Queenie helped Fiona frame Myrtle by sticking her own hand in acid at just the moment Fiona "found" the "evidence" that Myrtle handled acid. And pictures of Fiona with big lipstick-drawn Xs and pentagrams are easily forged. Myrtle was just ready to die, choosing to avoid Fiona's inevitably catastrophic downfall altogether. She'd rather "burn than boil."

Spalding's Room, tea time: Wearing his frilly lace pajamas and bonnet, Spalding's ready to play with Madison's rotting corpse again. But as he tries to get her out of the toybox, her arm comes off! Classic dead body.

The Witch-Burning Stake, the next morning: Misty Day's back!!! And she necromances Myrtle Snow's charred corpse back to life! UH OH FION-ZONE!

All photos courtesy fxnetworks.com

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