21 November 2013

American Horror Story Recap: You Haven't Lived Until You've Had A Threeway With "The Dead"

Last night's episode of Amhorst: Coven drove home the real point of the entire show: if you aren't having sex with dead people, you're seriously missing out. They can be ghosts, they can be reanimated bodies, look, WHATEVER, JUST HAVE SEX WITH THEM, YOU IDIOT! YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU'RE MISSING!!!!!! SPHINCTER CONTROL IS OVERRATED!

Frat Row Tattoo Parlor 'n' Oddities Museum, before Kyle's death: I would've assumed Kyle's frat was getting matching fraternity-related tattoos, but Kyle's not that kind of president. "Get whatever you want," he must have said in between verses of "Rosanna," "Why get a bunch of Greek letters if you could have Chinese ones and clovers, instead? It's not like I'll ever have your limbs sewn to my body and have to live forever with your bad taste!" Poor choice of words, Kyle Monster. Luckily, the ugly tattoos make him put Zoe's gun in his mouth, which finally convinces her not to kill him. If he wants to die this bad, she probably shouldn't let him. What makes her think that something that's only alive because it's enchanted could be killed with a gun, though? While we're futzing with body parts, let's see if we can't get Zoe a new brain.

Madison's Inner Thoughts, present day: After an impressively concise explanation of what makes Millennials (me) so terrible, Madison describes how desperately she wants to feel again. She's dead, get it? Food doesn't taste good, candle flames don't feel bad, and nobody wants to go to Jamba Juice with her. So she does the only thing left to do - have stand-up sex with a Frankenstein monster.

Fast Food Parking Lot, 3am: Queenie takes LaLaurie to the drive-thru in search of a midnight snack, and although Delphine is thrown for a loop by the magical talking intercom-box, she's very chill with the idea of "supersizing."

Cornrow City's Backyard BBQ, the next day: Queenie Still Hungry! So she goes to Marie Laveau's place for some fish-head gumbo. Laveau offers her a place in the House of Voodoo in exchange for Delphine LaLaurie, whom Queenie sort of likes these days. This is gonna be a tough decish. Better ask Delphine to describe in vivid detail the worst thing she ever did:

LaLaurie's Fun House, 1830s: Back when her daughters lived in the attic for a year, Delphine caught wind that her husband was squeezing a certain house slave's butt on the reg. She'd just given birth to a mostly-white baby, and Delphine isn't stupid. So she "promoted" the girl to beautician status and spent the rest of the evening explaining how this particular blood mask was made from biracial baby. The slave threw herself off the balcony, which is an event that was actually reported in 1838:
Martineau also recounted other tales of LaLaurie's cruelty that were current among New Orleans residents in about 1836. She claimed that, subsequent to the visit of the local lawyer, one of LaLaurie's neighbors saw one of the LaLaurie's slaves, a twelve-year-old girl named Lia (or Leah), fall to her death from the roof of the Royal Street mansion while trying to avoid punishment from a whip-wielding Delphine LaLaurie. Lia had been brushing Delphine's hair when she hit a snag, causing Delphine to grab a whip and chase her. The body was subsequently buried on the mansion grounds. [source: Wikipedia]
Illegitimate-baby murder, hair-brushing, whatever. All roads lead to Queenie marching Delphine down to Laveau's salon, where the best scene of the night ends the episode (see below).

The Axeman's Bachelor Pad, overnight: Ugh, this man's seduction of Fiona is the worst thing I've ever seen or heard. He actually says the words "the way my lips and tongue wrapped around my instrument was impeccable." I can't with this. They have sex, there's a dead guy in the tub, the lightbulbs blow out, we find out he's been watching Fiona since she was a kid, Fiona's losing her hair from chemo, the end. Sheesh, it's done.

Spalding's Attic, around the time Madison and Kyle Monster are having stand-up sex: Even though Zoe's a complete idiot, she's pretty great at magic. She finds Spalding's enchanted, still-wet tongue in the closet and casts some wacky spell that makes it reattach itself to his tongue-stump. Luckily, it's still under Myrtle Snow's Liar Liar spell, so the tied-down butler has to tell Zoe the truth about who killed Madison. Too bad Cordelia already found out like 5 full hours ago, ZoZo! Poor Spalding gets stabbed in the heart for being an Axeman-style pedophile. I guess that's just the price you pay for falling in love with Fiona Goode :(

The Girls' Shower, sometime after Madison and Kyle Monster finish having stand-up sex: Madison surprises Zoe as she gets out of the shower, suggesting that just because she had all that stand-up sex with Kyle Monster, it doesn't mean Zoe can't have a little stand-up sex with Kyle Monster, too. Like taking turns? No no, Zoe baby, like having a thrrrreeeewwwayyyy wwwiiiittthhh 2 ddeeeaaddd peeeoopplleeeeeeeeeeee HURL HURL YIPES HURL! THIS IS SO GROSS HURL HURL. At least she can't kill them with her vagina ha ha hurl I'm hurling again. Her towel drops to the floor. I am hurling. NOW THAT'S WHAT I CALL A DEVIL'S THREEWAY LOL HURL.

Marie Laveau's FACE, now and forever: Oh God Yes. Very toit! VERY TOIT! While Delphine LaLaurie pouts in a nearby upright coffin-cage, Marie Laveau uses her ol' face brush to paint LaLaurie's blood allllll over her face. And it is magnificent. It is so magnificent. And when she's done brushing it on her face, Marie says "beau-ti-ful." OH MY YES. UNHURL!

photos courtesy fxnetworks.com

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