26 November 2013

Walking Dead Recap: "Dead Weight" YEP, YEP IT SURE IS

I think we can all agree that last week's Governor-focused episode was simply NOT enough Governor. So it's a great thing that, with this week's Governor-Part-2, we've now wasted 25% of this half-season STARING AT A ONE-EYED MORON. Congratulations, us! We did it!

Hearing the Governor and Meghan (a miracle of child casting) talk about playing chess is something that I personally could do nonstop for the rest of my life. Sometimes you don't have time to think about your move - just like in real life! You can still win the game even if your pawns die - just like in real life! I assumed the absence of adult women in this scene meant that it was a flashforward to a time in the not-so-distant future when the Governor had murdered Lilly and Tara in order to recreate his daddy-daughter fantasy. But nope, he just murders everyone else instead.

Even after Martinez welcomes the Governor into camp and introduces him to his new friends (Victor from Dollhouse and Victor's brother) he STILL gets a golf club to the brain. I guess that's just the way the cookie crumbles in the Zombiepocalypse. Abandon a mass-murderer under cover of darkness, get dragged into a zombie pit by said mass-murderer. Honestly, the correct chess move for Martinez to make would have obviously been to kill the Governor as soon as he killed all those Woodburians. Too bad Martinez is more of a golf man!!! LOLOLOL

The Governor goes on a few raiding parties through the woods, where the Boring Crew finds a few people who've been murdered by other humans. The Governor doesn't agree with how BORING the rest of the CREW is being about it, so he murders Martinez with that golf club and then he kills Victor with a slashy/chokey motion. He leaves Victor's brother alive so he can have a new lackey in what is quickly becoming Woodbury 2.0. Great, a reanimation of the boringest enemy town there ever was. At least they have cigarettes.

Zombie Victor lives at the bottom of the lake, his ankles weighted to keep him down there. Occasionally the Governor comes to look at him and Zombie Victor reaches up for a hug, but he never stays very long. It's very hard to be Zombie Victor these days. Where is his handler? He needs a brain wipe desperately.

Near the end of the episode, Meghan accidentally plays hide and seek with a zombie and comes very close to getting her legs bitten off. It's enough to make the Governor move the entire camp to a "more secure location," which will obviously be the prison. FINALLY WE ARE BACK WHERE WE STARTED. I HAVE NEVER FELT MORE ANTICLIMAX IN MY LIFE.

The episode ends with the Governor's gun trained on Michonne, who's loading up a car with zombie bodies. Man, I bet he shoots her in the head and that's the entirety of next week's mid-season finale. JUST KIDDING, I bet nothing will happen! For an entire hour.

Here's what I want to happen:
The Governor approaches Rick, pretending to be a peace-loving father-figure to this new group of survivors. Rick won't want to take him in, but he can't possibly turn away so many women and children. So he takes them all in, with the caveat that the Governor has to stay in a prison cell for the time being. The Governor convinces Meghan that Rick thought he'd done something bad, but really it was all a misunderstanding. He asks her to help him get the keys to the cell. Meanwhile, Rick and Michonne discuss flat-out killing the Governor. She wants to, but Rick doesn't want to shake up a bunch of new strangers. Michonne goes to kill him anyway, but she finds that he's escaped from his cell. A scary prison-tunnel chase ensues and ends with a heavy, heavy body count! The Governor dies and Michonne lives and she teaches Meghan how to be a stealthy assassin and Rick finally does something for once. Maybe he was hiding out in the tunnels and he kills the Governor. Either way.

photos courtesy of amctv.com

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