American Horror Story Recap: WHAT IS THIS, KNOTTY PINE???????

What Probably Happened On American Horror Story

After watching last week's Amhorst Coven and missing this week's, all I can say is I have a VERY excellent grasp of what's going on with the show:

A) We're all DYING to know who the next Supreme is (NOT), but the show hasn't brought us any closer to figuring out who she'll be. The search for the next Supreme seems to be the main thrust of the end of the season, but all I can make out lately is a hugely clogged toilet bowl with a Stevie Nicks shawl floating on top. In a world where dead people spring back up a week later, there's no real process of elimination. So we're still at square one, and all five options for Supreme (Zoe, Queenie, Nan, Emma Roberts, and Swampie Nicks) are still a possibility, even though I guess Nan is the only permanently dead one now. Oh wait, plus Headmistress Cordelia? So still five?

American Horror Story Recap: "The Magical Delights of Stevie Nicks" & The Magical Bullshit I Just Went Through

Hi - don't freak out. It's me, Papa Legba. You might know me as Voodoo Satan, but I try not to go by that since it's so...I don't know, severe? Sure, I'm devilish, but c'mon. Look at me! You think every red-eyed person is evil? Go to an albino convention and see how far that opinion gets you. Do I demand a fresh, innocent baby soul every year? Yeah, ok, you got me there. But who DOESN'T? I live in a world between worlds - not quite human, not quite god - and the currency here happens to be innocent baby souls. And I happen to use them. Tell me you wouldn't do the same thing if you were me. You'd really just sit around, never even considering taking one baby soul? Oh ok, SURE.

A Phone Call For Keith Urban

 
A Phone Call For Keith Urban

Keith Urban and Nicole Kidman entered their country-chic cottage in the Hollywood Hills, trailing laughter and late-afternoon sunlight behind them as they walked through the door.

"I think I'll make that salad we were talking about," said Nicole in a thick Australian accent as she made for the kitchen. "Y'know, the one with the walnuts?"

Who Invited The Cupcakers?

WELCOME, LAST DYING BREATH OF 2013! RATTLE YOURSELF INTO NOTHINGNESS, ALL THE WAY TO HELL

Hahaha and welcome to the 2013 Cupcaker Awards. What a crazy, butt-shaped year this has turned out to be, huh guys? Shine on for 6 more hours, you silly diamond. Then get out of my sight. Haha and welcome to the awards.

To get things started, we're bringing up America's favorite car to present our first award: Best Car of 2013. Gabe Kotter, get up here!

Honk honk

(audience laughs)

Hoooonk!

(audience sigh-laughs)

Honk?

(someone whistles over light applause)

You didn't let me finish - Honk? HONK.

(wild applause)

Thank you.

Congratulations on another year on top, Gabe! Can you believe how good he looks? Not a lot of cars can pull off handing themselves such a gaudy award and still looking like the most humble sedan on the road. Has he had work done? Haha and welcome.

There's a new dog in town and let's just say he's barking up the right tree! He's doing such a good job, in fact, that he's just won the Best Dog of 2013 award! (barking applause.) Bear couldn't be with us tonight, so he's sent along a thank-you picture:

Technically he belongs to my mom. Moving on, I heard youtube's got a new comedy channel based on UCB's newest and craziest Maude team, MORIARTY. What's this? An award for Best New Youtube Channel of 2013 check it out right now? CONGRATULATIONS, MORIARTY COMEDY!

Such fun we're having here tonight, the very last night of 2013. From here on out it's an even year, then a divisible-by-five year, then another even year...man, we've got some smooth sailing ahead of us. Tonight our troubles unwrinkle themselves. Tonight we drink just the right amount of champagne. Tonight we sing and dance and ring in the new! Hail, Atlantis! (Best Atlantis Song of 2013!)

Another good year, another great oldie. 

-Fox 97

That just about wraps things up for the 2013 Cupcakers. The Best Best of 2013 List of 2013 goes to drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll

MYSELF!!!!!!!!!! BECKLECTIC TAKES MANHATTAN AND THE CUPCAKERS OH MY GOD, SHE DID IT! WOWEE!!!!

A List Of Thoughts On "The Sacred Taking" and "Head"

1. PATTI

2. LU

3. PONE?

4. GAVE HER SON A HOT-WATER-BOTTLE ENEMA AND THEN MERCY KILLED HIM TO AVOID GUILT FEELINGS ABOUT HOW SHE STUFFED A FATAL AMOUNT OF BEES INTO HER CHEATING HUSBAND'S CAR?

Happy Belated Walking Dead Midseason Recap!!!

This Just In: I Don't Hate Super Fun Night!

When the new tv season was starting, I decided to skip Super Fun Night until someone (anyone) told me they liked it and I should try it. That happened yesterday, and I watched it, and then I also watched the rest of the episodes available on hulu. Guess what, guys! I don't hate it!

Walking Dead Recap: "Dead Weight" YEP, YEP IT SURE IS

I think we can all agree that last week's Governor-focused episode was simply NOT enough Governor. So it's a great thing that, with this week's Governor-Part-2, we've now wasted 25% of this half-season STARING AT A ONE-EYED MORON. Congratulations, us! We did it!

Walking Dead Precap: This Might've Happened Last Night

I haven't gotten to watch last night's Walking Dead yet, but I'm assuming it was a lot like this:

photo from Walking Dead Wikia