Jersey Shore: The Beginning Of The End: A 2-Hour Affair: Only 6 Days Late

"Got crazy, got wild. We partied in style. If you wanted to have fun, you should've done something crazy."

THIS IS IT. This is the last season of Jersey Shore. What will happen afterwards to my brain, to my heart? I'm guessing that by episode 12, it'll all have disintegrated.

Season 6 of Jersey Shore begins with a surprise, one which I'd originally misdiagnosed as brain damage. That's right, guys - The Situation has a pill problem. He's been to rehab and back, and I for one like this new Sober Mike. He doesn't break as many things.

Soon after, Snooki makes her first appearance stumbling over the doorway at her mother's house in platform booties and then making a joke about "miscarriaging." Folks I don't know if I've said this before, but you honestly cannot write this. For a writer to have written this would be disrespectful to the actors, to the production staff, and to the entire world. So distasteful. How could they? For Snooki to have come up with it is PURE GOLD. She TRIPPED because she wears IRRESPONSIBLE SHOES for a PREGNANT WOMAN to wear and then she JOKED about "MISCARRIAGING."

Fast forward to people arriving at the Shore house, where Sober Mike cooks dinner for the gang. When Sammi walks in and sees Mike's spread, Deena tells her that he seems to have actually improved. Sammi makes this face of semi-approval:

Ron and Sam get their own room this season, and Ron exclaims "now we can fight in peace, Sam! That's awesome!" He also explains that he was "pretty bad at" hurting Sammi's feelings in the past, which is correct but untrue. Or true but incorrect. And speaking of great couples, good news! Jwoww's still with Roger! Now Jwoww and Pauly D won't end up together and all my dreams are dashed to pieces!!!!

Perhaps inspired by Snooki's weight loss last season, Deena has dropped some weight of her own.
She looks great, but she also brings it up a LOT. "Usually [Mike] says I look fat (chuckle)" and something about getting into the hot tub before she "gets fat." She has a super nice boyfriend named Chris, though. Good for her.

Everyone who walks into the Shore house says that it stinks. They escape to the roof of the Shore Store to chat about life and pregnancy and rehab in the fresh Seaside air, but Jwoww's not convinced that Mike is capable of change. "Play ball until proven wrong," she says, which is pretty close.

After a twilight visit to Bossman Danny at the Shore Store, the gang turns in for an early night. That's right, they all. go. to sleep. Their first season selves would be disgusted and amazed. I don't understand if this is a joke, or?

The next morning, Snooki envies everyone else's GTL. She can't work out that hard, and she sits in the lonely tanning salon lobby, swinging her tiny legs and looking at tchotchkes for sale. Later on at home, she counts out the 5s on her clock until she gets to 7:40. I don't even know why they have analog clocks at this house. Work is for the Shore Store, dummies.

The first fake drama happens when Jionni comes by the house and Vinny neglects to say hi. None of this has anything to do with anything, in case you've forgotten. Maybe season 3? Jionni takes Snooki out to dinner instead of out clubbing, where everyone else is going. Deena is in a VERY BODYCON dress, and everyone notices. "Don't disrespect Chris," she says to Mike. "My bad, Chris, who I've never met," he oozes back.

Snooki can't contain herself at the restaurant. She wants to dance and drink and basically just GET CRAZY. But she can't! "Don't you think it's trashy to see a pregnant woman in a club?" she asks Jionni very earnestly. "I don't want to be that pregnant girl in the club, I really don't." Oh yeah, that pregnant girl. Boy does that girl always look dumb to me when I'm out clubbing! Snooksy BORED.

Vinny notes that he's smashed every girl at Karma. Remember when he was sometimes a baby turd back at the beginning of this whole series? He's grown up into a huge, stinky adult turd and now he's a monster too.

Ronnie is also still a turd, and he yells at Sam for ten hours because she didn't eat enough before going out. It sounds like Fake Drama, but it is Real Drama. Ronnie is a mean drunk. "I don't need to be with you if you don't talk to me," he says. "I have a million girls that can do what you do." Pauly sees the fight and declares it the official start to summer. Sober Mike sees the fight and reflects on how drinking makes ya dumb.

At some point Vinny pulls Deena's boyfriend Chris aside to have an in-depth discussion about Italian furniture. Deena thinks he's teasing Chris, so Vinny swears on his mother's life that he's not. She waves it off, which allows Vinny to get VERY offended. You CANNOT disrespect a guido's sworn oath on his mother. Even Chris is like "Deena, he apologized. He swore on his mother." But then he thanks her for "protecting me. I love you for that." Man, Chris is great. Chris: "Let's go eat."

"Don't be a spoiled brat," says Vinny, who just last season had to leave the house because of anxiety. My roommate Zach noticed that. 'Cause remember? When he was so overwhelmed by feelings that he had to escape? It's good that he's regained enough composure to shame others for their feelings. Later on he makes fun of Sammi for asking a cooking question, and when she calls him on it, he's like "I also promote joking, [bitch]." His face says that last part.

Back at home Ronnie kicks things off with an old fashioned bed prank (he falls down the stairs holding a blanket). Mike finds out his girl is on her period, so he states Rule #667: "You cannot have sex with a girl who is on her period, unless it's your girlfriend, and unless it's your girlfriend for a minute." I don't get it. For a lot or a little? At any rate, Pauly sends his girl home, too, because he always does. Again I don't get it.

The next day Snooki asks Danny if she can move to a different apartment. Why yes, she can move to the house right next door. Then I think they say they love each other? Meanwhile Deena and Jwoww discuss the definition of "integrity" with some bartender. What is this, book club? I did NOT sign up for this!!!

In the middle of a frank discussion about virginity loss at dinner, Snooki announces her upcoming departure from the house. The shot goes from her laughing to her taking a breath to her breaking the news within 4 seconds. Everyone's sad, but luckily Vinny takes them all into the living room and teaches them the improv game, "Pass the Object." Cool choice!

TONS OF UNDEREMPLOYED COMMERCIALS

Then it's the end. Our VIP preview to the velvet-rope rest of the season showcases Deena crying, Mike doing karaoke, and a very sad Deena resisting arrest. What else will this season bring? I'm guessing Snooki asks Jwoww to be Lorenzo's godmother. I'm guessing Vinny falls in love with some awful girl. I'm guessing Mike takes a drink? Oy, that's not a nice thing to write. But I would watch that x1000.

fake dramz --> reality tv
real dramz --> gripping tv

OR DO THEY?


all screenshots courtesy of MTV.com

New Webisodes of Walking Dead: COLD STORAGE

Season Three of Walking Dead is almost here, which means another string of pre-season webisodes are here at last! Last year's top-half-of-a-lady zombie origin story was amazing. I'm not sure I feel the same way about this year's "Cold Storage." Watch the 4 installments below at AMCtv.com and tell me what you think and why! I'll put what I think below the videos links so as not to spoil your viewing.

"Hide & Seek"

"Keys to the Kingdom"

"The Chosen Ones"

"Parting Shots"

 

Wow what a wiener bad guy, right? And kind of a wiener good guy. And such a dark place to go with the lady tied up on the bed. It sounded like she was the bad guy's coworker crush. Yikes. Zombies are so dumb, you guys. You can outsmart them by banging at padlocks a lot until the last possible second. Good luck siphoning a ton of gasoline jerks! HI ATLANTAAAA!!!!!!!!

videos courtesy of amctv.com

Schwarzenegger Sports A Cool Skull Ring

Hey everybody, LOOK:

I guess my phone warped his head and arms because they're certainly not the INTENSE SKULL RING I took this picture for. It's from Schwarzenegger's appearance on The Daily Show yesterday (10/1).

 

 

 photos courtesy thedailyshow.com

Key (And) Peele Is Back!

 

photos courtesy ComedyCentral.com

The Mindy Project: Me Speechless

Wow, I watched The Mindy Project pilot last night and I'm floored. The episode barreled along at 800 mph, throwing Mindy in a pool and trapping her in an elevator and assisting her to deliver a baby and watching her watch When Harry Met Sally. I can't believe it was only 22 minutes. And the tone! I can't nail down the tone - was it a dark comedy? a single lady po-mo farce? a medical romp? - I have no idea, but I'm excited to find out. And the way Mindy and Danny (Chris Messina) go ugly to insult each other, yowza, what is even going on. I like this show. I can't wait for the next one. Mindy, WHAT ON EARTH!!!

 

Photo courtesy Fox.com

How I Sat Real Close To Your Mother At A Train Station

Last night was -HOPEFULLY- the last season premiere How I Met Your Mother will ever have, and I write that with utmost affection. We picked back up at this neverending Barney wedding and ended the episode at the Farhampton train station, where a woman braves the rain with a familiar yellow umbrella. Looks like Ted's about to meet somebody's mother...and it's not Marvin's!!! Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Marvin is the name of Lily and Marshall's baby. Speaking of the Eriksens, Lily and Marshall are zombies now because they're the sleepless parents of a newborn and they refuse to sleep when they get a chance. Sleep when the baby sleeps, that's what comic strips always told me. But I can see how that might not make for great television. What makes for great television? Having Lily and Marshall look at their friends through aquarium glasses to illustrate their exhaustion, I guess. Or at least that makes for heartily OK c-story television.

Barney TED (jeez Beck) ran off with Victoria at the end of last season and I'd completely forgotten. I honestly thought Victoria was just one in the long line of "Remember her from season 1? She's still not the mother" girls they brought in last year. Look, she was cool and everything, it's great she makes cupcakes, and clearly she's a complete nerdlington match for Ted. But is she worth spending more time with? Do they ever give her any jokes to deliver? Who is she really, and why am I even asking? The best thing about her is her 2-second mention during Barney's 1-minute recap of the entire series. She isn't even the first girl Ted wimps out on kissing. YIKES, TORI.

Meanwhile Barney and Quinn (also still around) are having relations in Marshall and Lily's doorless half-kitchen. A long time ago, when the writers put Barney and Robin together, they quickly broke them up because "None of us wanted to see Barney wearing a sweater-vest and going to bed-and-breakfasts," according to Carter Bays. Considering where our chess pieces are now poised, this statement must've come out as soon as the writers decided to have Barney and Robin (Swarkles) end up together. Since all great romantic comedies show that Guy Loses Girl must come before Guy Gets Girl Back, an immediate Swarkles Breakup was the only natural choice to get there. EXCEPT IT WASN'T!

I've had qualms with the Swarkles Breakup for a while now (clearly), and I think those qualms funnel straight into the discomfort I'm having with the Future Swarkles Wedding. The fun thing about Barney and Robin - as we learned in season ONE - is how compatible they are. They love scotch and cigars and haberdashery! They love independence and self-reliance and unabashedness! It's a match made in gentlemen's club heaven, but somehow it doesn't look that way when they're together. For the two seconds that Swarkles existed onscreen, they were forced into unhappiness. They dodged the sweater vests, but they completely abandoned the camaraderie. I don't think it had to be this way. I think we could've watched a totally different relationship unfold, and I think it still would've provided the dramatic plotlines the showrunners needed. It's like what I'm learning in improv: don't say no to a perfectly good situation. Be there and do it and see what it leads to. Otherwise, the audience will sit around asking why they wasted so much time watching a scene that ended up going nowhere. Ted and Barney's friendship went through the wringer to let Swarkles happen, and then it all went down the toilet in a grand, pointless ghost flush.

And so we're left with the final storyline of the season opener: Robin's continued unspoken adoration of Barney. Which was what all of last season was. And the episode ends with Barney giving her a key to a storage facility, where it turns out he's keeping all his Swarkles Merch. Guys? We know already. We know Robin wants to marry Barney or whatever. From their relationship, it's unclear WHY she does - perhaps a more tangible breakup would've given this arc more weight* - but she's stuck on him just the same (even though apparently she's dating some chump right now?). 
*Right now all I can remember from their breakup is that they were going through their first rough patch and just said screw it.

Here is my dream of where this season goes from here:

-Barney and Quinn break up AS SOON AS POSSIBLE in order to make room for more ACTUAL GROWTH between Swarkles. It wouldn't make sense for two can't-tie-me-downers to jump into a quickie wedding, even if it's for some cute sitcom reason of "if we don't do it now, we never will!!!" I want to see how they finally really do finagle their wants and needs into a workable relationship. I HAVE SPENT SEVEN YEARS ON THESE CHARACTERS. DON'T SEND ME OUT ON "OH, WHAT THE HECK, LET'S GET HITCHED"

-Ted putters around as harmlessly as possible for as long as it takes to get him to that stupid Farhampton train station. Have him take Marvin out to the playground and pick up a one-episode girlfriend while pretending to be a single father. Have him accidentally kill The Captain. Have him find Bryan Cranston's character and slap his face. Have him stumble into a roomful of women he's dated and make him sit them down one by one to explain why they weren't The One. Build a cupcake bakery for Victoria but don't waste any more time dating her for God's sake.

-Marshall and Lily can't stray too far into the Exploring Parenthood sphere because How I Met Your Mother is solidly in the Exploring Adulthood sphere. Maybe they try to rig something where they can enjoy themselves like childless people where there are lots of pulleys and axles and the crib lifts up and down? I don't know. I'm still working out ideas.


I say all of this and spend my time thinking about this because I truly adore this show. As soon as I started watching, I fell in love with its intricacy and playfulness. It felt like each callback was just for me. I respected the characters' wants and needs because they all made sense in a genuinely satisfying way. I just want to feel that way again forever. Can-do's-ville, babydoll?


All photos courtesy CBS.com

Chevy Chase Fulfills My Prophecy

What do you know, NY Mag posted today about Chevy's recent interview with Huffington Post UK. Guess what? He still hates everything!

See previous:

TV Is Coming Back, OR Finally, A Reason To Live Again

TV came back last night, THANK GOD. We're back.

NBC premiered new seasons of Up All Night, The Office, and Parks & Rec after a Thursday night installment of "Weekend Update." Here is what I thought of all of them, followed by a list of other tv shows I'm excited to start watching again:

Up All Night:
I've heard such great things about this show, but somehow I only watched 2 or 3 episodes of its first season. That baby's real cute. Maya Rudolph is funny but her character continues to waver between Oprah and Someone Less Powerful. Will Arnett looks thin, possibly from the stress of his then-crumbling marriage. Writing that makes me want to stop writing right now and go to my bed to listen to Carole King and let the rain pour down outside my window. This might be all I can handle. But let me quickly say that I like the addition of the brother, played by Luka Jones of the ill-fated Best Friends Forever, which I was really getting used to and which I still miss.

PS My roommate Colin just reminded me that the funniest part of the episode was Maya Rudolph kissing all those babies on the playground. I forgot and I agree wholeheartedly!!

The Office:
Kelly & Ryan are gone, and Clark Duke & some dude named Plop have taken their place. Clark (Dwight Jr) is working out well for me. I'm pleased with the idea that Jim might leave the company for a better career. I don't understand why Catherine Tate couldn't sue the company for establishing such a hostile work environment. They surround her with recycling bins, and apparently they purchase extra recycling bins to make a full line around her. There are like 6 of them.

PARKS & RECREATION!!!:
I can't believe Parks & Rec is back!!! It might be time to ask myself if this is my favorite show. Well? Is it? Is it, Miss Beck? Whatcha thinkin? STOP CODDLING ME IT'S MY FAVORITE SHOW AND I ADMIT IT FREELY! I love all of them! This morning I was listening to Girl on Guy, the Aisha Tyler podcast, and she was interviewing Retta (ie Donna ie TREAT Yoself ie MY BENZ!!!). I love everything about this show. The cast is amazing, the setting feels like home, and the storylines are usually effortless.

But what was with Ron Swanson ruining this employee appreciation picnic? Is this the Ron we know and love? The one who won a burger contest by slapping plain ground beef on a grill? Why would he buy frozen meat and then threaten to season it for 5 hours? What's this pig about? Wouldn't he love picnics because there's meat and you don't have to go into the office? Also, why is Chris Traeger telling him how to run the Parks & Rec office? Was Ron not running the department for the previous 4 seasons? Why are Ann and Tom living together? Why has that lasted for more than one season? Where's Kathryn Hahn???

(all above photos courtesy of NBC.com)

It was a great night, everybody. And now for the rest of the shows I'm looking forward to this fall:

Revolution (NBC Mondays at 10pm): I guess it already started this week and it's been on Hulu for a while. Also I guess I'm not really that excited about it. JJ, I love you because you are my uncle and because of the first two seasons of Lost. But by now I know better than to jump into a new show of yours. I'll be wading into this one.

How I Met Your Mother (CBS Mon 9/24 at 8pm): END THIS. END IT WELL AND END IT NOW. PLEASE DON'T MAKE ME LOOK AS FOOLISH AS UNCLE JJ DID.

2 Broke Girls (hahahahahahahahah JK! It sucks so much!!! haha!)

New Girl (Fox Tues 9/25 at 8pm): The more time I spend away from it, the more I'm unsure about its enjoyment factor. Is it too frou-frou? Don't I still wish Damon Wayans Jr were on it? Is it all just Schmidt in a fat suit? Becky, cut it out. You know you enjoyed it last season. You even wrote a You-Should-Watch article about it. You like it. Just wait 'til Tuesday. You'll see.

Hey, 'TIL TUESDAY!!

The Mindy Project (Fox Tues 9/25 at 9:30pm): Same deal as Revolution but with less suspicion. But I really want Mindy Kaling to succeed as a writer and a fashion plate and a household name so clearly we've got a lot riding on this.

Modern Family (ABC Weds 9/26 at 9pm): What a great show. I wrote a spec for it a few years ago called "Luke the Ladies' Man." I think it would have gone over very well.

UPDATE: I FORGOT KEY & PEELE! (Comedy Central Weds 9/26 at 10:30pm) Key & Peele surprised me so much last year. I went from "Oh, 2 dudes from MadTV? Neat." to "OH, KEY AND PEELE! You make me laugh I love you!!!" Man they're great. One half-Jew watching two half-black guys? Match made in heaven.

Bob's Burgers (Fox Sun 9/30 at 8:30pm): FINALLY! I've watched every episode from season 1 like 90 times now and Hulu's being kind of greedy with the Plus episodes. I just want to watch more of this all the time.

courtesy SeriousEats.com

  
Dexter (Showtime Sun 9/30 9pm): Kill Deb! Or make her start killing people!

Homeland (Showtime Sun 9/30 10pm): YES YES YES YES YES YES YES KOOKY JAZZ MANDY PATINKIN YES YES YES YES

30 Rock (NBC Thurs 10/4 8pm): How will they wrap up the many loves of Liz Lemon? All my days I've been waiting for you to come back home in the moonlight of New York City!

Gossip Girl (CW Mon 10/9 at 9pm): How will they wrap up the many incestuous teenage affairs of the insanely über-rich? Marry one of them off to Ryan Reynolds I guess. The rest lose everything in one last Carter Baizen poker game. Truly a lost weekend, indeed.

The Walking Dead (AMC Sun 10/14 at 9pm): YES YES YES DON'T WASTE TIME FINDING LOST CHILDREN JUST GO TO THE PRISON AND MAKE A NEW LIFE YES YES YES ZOMBIES YES

American Horror Story: Asylum (FX Weds 10/17 at 10pm): I can't wait to see all the new freaky deaky stuff. It's going to be weird. But I read somewhere that maybe we shouldn't be demonizing the mentally ill so much anymore, and I agree.

Community (NBC Thurs 10/19 at 8:30pm): FINALLY! What will the show look like without Dan Harmon? Well one thing's for sure, now Chevy Chase has no reason to complain about anything. Ha-ha he will complain.

Don't Trust the Bitch in Apartment 23 (ABC Tues 10/23 at 9:30pm): We are cruising toward a Dawson's Creek reunion, and BONUS, now that I've seen season 2 of Breaking Bad I feel like I know Krysten Ritter even better. The great thing about this show is that intertextuality really enriches it. The bad thing about this show is that Dreama Walker's eyes are distractingly huge. Costume Department Quick Fix: slap some glasses on it.

TV, I'M SO GLAD YOU'RE BACK!!!

courtesy eonline.com

The Miniature Lodge I've Been Working On

THE MINIATURE LODGE

A few months ago I purchased some coffee stirrers that were too weak to actually stir coffee. But they looked like miniature 2x4s, so I decided to glue some together to make a small floor, much like this:

Once I made a big floor, I painted half of it red and realized I should make some red stairs to go with it (just in case it became a house). I also built some furniture with the coffee stirrers, including a couch, coffee table, and grand piano:

Here's a better angle of the grand piano (it's hard to see the pedals but they're there):

I used a playing card to make a rug for it. First I fringed the edges and then I painted the edges with white-out.

I printed out a bear skin rug but it looked stupid, so I used that as a model to make another one out of felt. I also made a chimney by stacking one million bits of stirrers. I then took a miniature ax to split a few of them to make a stack of firewood next to it. At this point the lodge looked like this:

 Complete with dining room platform (and enough Deacon's benches to poke your eye out):

At that point I realized the stairs led up to nothing, so I rigged a little loft above the piano area. I also carved a potted plant out of a piece of crayon and painted it. That was tough.

I built a bed for the loft and then filled in the bedroom with more furniture (dresser, nightstand, tv and stand):

The pillows are toothpicks I cut and painted white. The bedspread is cut from the same fat quarter I used to make the throw for the couch (so's the lampshade).

It was at this point I realized that I couldn't build a house without a bathroom in good conscience. So I built two walls to close off the bedroom and to make room for a bathroom.

 I also made one of those little rug-around-your-toilet rugs out of felt:

At that point the lodge looked like this (I added a loveseat):

So I painted the chimney and mounted a trophy trout to it. I don't know what a trout looks like:

Here's another view that isn't completely color-warped to show the stupid fish (but it's farther away):

I forgot to mention that I used nail polish to paint the couch and loveseat so they'd look more like shiny leather.

I think I'm finished adding things to the lodge because the last thing I want to do is clutter it. Granted, it still needs a kitchen. I tried to plan a way to stick one underneath the stairs, but give me a break. They can do cookouts or something. It's a lodge.

 

I assume the lodge should eventually be transplanted to a park so it can be closer to the trees and lakes. Which I would make out of twigs and puddles if it were up to me. But it's not. It's up to Nature now.

Assorted Atlantan Things

Yesterday I got back from a trip to Atlanta and guess what, it was the best. Here is an assortment of the things I saw/drank:

1) My friends Katherine and Mary took me to an awesome sandwich place in Inman Park called Victory and it was the best place I've ever been to. If it doesn't show up on one of those "I loved eating here!" shows on the Cooking Channel soon, I'll eat my hat.

The sandwiches were $4 each and looked like this (picture from their website):

Also they had Slushie Jack & Cokes, which I drank and took pictures of:

It was the best sandwich place ever.

2) I also saw these purses at Belk and felt like Snooki must've sewn/twisted her bedsheets together in a last-ditch effort to never go hungry again. I mean they were UGLY, folks. Padded fake-satin arm straps.

3) At Walgreen's there were no 99¢ greeting cards but there WERE several thousand $5 Justin Bieber cards. Good to know! Oops, I meant "bad to know" (typographic error).

4) I went to a brand new bakery with my mom and noticed that the bricks on the wall inside didn't match the bricks on the outside. Good Lord what have the inside bricks been through? I'm so sorry for your suffering, inside bricks. You've clearly been to hell and back. Outside bricks, you lookin' fresh!

Man, I like Atlanta. See you at Christmas, my city friend.