Miley Cyrus's SNL: A Recap From Memory

I have been entirely delinquent in writing up SNL recaps lately, and it's a shame because I've been finding the past few episodes solid to say the least. Let's see here...Paul Rudd, that was a good one... Anne Hathaway, I think I missed that one (no I didn't, it was the one with all the singing)...Russell Brand, I wish I hadn't watched that one...Dana Carvey, HOW DID I MISS THAT ONE?...Jeff Bridges, nailed it! (as always). Wow, what an absentee watcher I've been. Or perhaps an entirely present non-watcher. It all depends how you want to feel about me.

First of all:

WELCOME BACK, "LES JEUNES DE PARIS!!!!!!!"
This is the most All That-style sketch SNL does, and counterintuitively, it is also my FAVORITE sketch that SNL does.

And of course, all credit goes to Hulu and Nbc.com for not posting the video anywhere on the internet. Maybe there's a copyright issue with the song? 

And the rest:

Miley Cyrus, whose real name is Destiny Hope Cyrus (according to wikipedia), had Hoped that her Destiny might involve some successful sketches and jokes. And Cyriously, it halfway did!

Here is what Miley did well:

• a dead-on Justin Bieber impression on Vanessa Bayer's "Miley Cyrus Show" 
• mostly held her own on that monologue song about how she's "Sorry She's Not Perfect"
• that "Disney Channel Acting School ad," where she and Kenan-as-Raven Symone* showed kids how to scream over each other and react cartoonishly to stinky feet. I wish I had played a part in the production of this sketch. It felt really, really right.
• *Raven has actually lost a lot of weight these days, which I found out during my most recent semi-annual "Google Image Raven Symone" personal challenge.

Here is what Miley did not do as well (but we all understand):

• Fergie in the otherwise hilariously conceived "Our Time with Taboo & Apl.de.ap." Oh my God, what a great reason to get two really great impressions up there. NO ONE WANTS YOU, APL.DE.AP. Nor you, Taboo.
• That "New Products" infomercial with Kristen Wiig. Oh man, yikes. What on earth went on in the writers' room with that one? "Great idea! This is like a 'Steve Martin's Penis Creme' for the 2010s!" 
• "Cruise Ship Entertainer." Much like "'Steve Martin's Penis Creme' for the 2010s," this was a worse version of a much earlier sketch that I think maybe Rob Schneider(?) was in. He plays a guitar and sings on the street about how much he hates the people giving him money and how they should take their change back out of his guitar case. And when they take it out, he stops singing and is like "What are you doing? I'm an artist! Not everything an artist sings is about real life!" 

UPDATE: This is the transcript of the sketch, "Subway Guitarist," and I apparently had it backwards.

Here is what Miley Cyrus either barely did or didn't do at all:

• The "Duh! Winning! Cold Open" was just one more piece of inarguable evidence that Bill Hader is SNL's most valuable commodity. For as little as Hader looks like anyone he impersonates, he sounds EXACTLY like ANYONE he wants to sound like. In this case, Charlie Sheen. In other cases, an alien sportscaster. There are other examples but I'm already using up most of my memory just to talk about this episode, so we'll have to save it for later.
• "CBS Gurney Month Promo" - anything involving Meredith Baxter-Birney is OK by me. But let's all agree to keep Tina Yothers OUT OF IT.

The Weekend Update Update:

• Unfortunately I didn't take notes on Weekend Update and my office computer can't let me watch videos. Strike that, my computer can't want to let me watch videos. I am sorry, Seth Meyers. You were very, very on this week, which you usually are. I should go to ASSSSCAT more. Words can't express it, Seth Meyers, but with God as their witness, they will try: I am sorry. And I'll try to jot a few things down next time or whatever blah blah
• Guests I remember: The Devil talking about Westboro Baptist Church + Anthony Crispino, the secondhand gossip correspondent. 
• Do you ever notice while you're quietly chuckling at Anthony Crispino that the character could have been pulled directly from a 1975 WU? He's a lot like Gilda's Emily Litella. That is not a problem.

That's my recap from memory! Sorry, the Strokes - I did not want to try watching you even a little bit. Did you sing "Last Night?"

Congratulations, Miley Cyrus! One day your son or daughter can be called "Destiny's Child." Winning.

Celebrities You Didn't Know Were Related

 "I think I father you!"

David Cassidy played the oldest, dreamiest member of The Partridge Family. Katie Cassidy played Juliet on this season of Gossip Girl. THEY ARE FATHER-DAUGHTER.

Maybe "Celebrities You Didn't Know Were Related" should have its own blog. I have dozens:
-Martha Plimpton and Keith Carradine!?!?!?!
-Warren Beatty and Shirley MacLaine!!!!
to name a few.

Also this is more of a poll since it's not news that this one has celebrity relatives:
Emilio Estevez. What do you think his first name would have been if he had taken "Sheen" as a last name? Emile? Milo? Do you think that the reason he stuck with Estevez was it was too hard to come up with an English equivalent for "Emilio?"

"Nonplussed": What Does It Mean? LET'S DO THIS.

"NONPLUSSED"
(Google Dictionary)
non·plussed Adjective   /nänˈpləst/

Synonyms:

• adjective: aghast, confused

• (of a person) Surprised and confused so much that they are unsure how to react
  • he would be completely nonplussed and embarrassed at the idea
• (of a person) Not disconcerted; unperturbed 

Definition of NONPLUS

 (Merriam Webster)

transitive verb

: to cause to be at a loss as to what to say, think, or do : perplex

  

It's been a long decade since I learned the definition of "nonplussed." I remember it well: Bond Thompson, the 9th grade English teacher, was holding "Magic Vocabulary Day," when she used our backwards names and we came up with mnemonic devices to remember our new vocab words. "Nonplussed," I read, "means being so surprised that you don't know what to do. That's funny, it sounds like it means 'not-plussed,' and 'plussed' must mean excited. I'll have to come up with a good way to remember that it doesn't mean that."

My mnemonic device: A guy is sitting at a bar, having a drink. Someone comes up to him and gives him all this crazy news about his wife being a hammerhead shark and his new job with the Philadelphia Phillies or something. He's like "WHAAAA?" and simultaneously, a huge Play-Doh plus sign tube shoots out at him and knocks him off his stool! And the man is left surprised and confused so much that he is unsure how to react.

Yet ten years later, I hear people using it the wrong way everyday. I looked it up again today for good measure - you know, just to make SURE I'm still right about all this - and what do I find? Google has taken it upon itself to adjust the definition of "nonplussed" to include both meanings.

How on earth does this make sense? How could a word with a synonym like "aghast" also mean "Not disconcerted; unperturbed?" Just because Obama misused it in the example they gave?

While the young Obamas are not untouched by the constant media coverage, Obama tells PEOPLE the sometimes bruising race for the presidency has seemed to roll off his daughters, "I've been really happy by how nonplussed they've been by the whole...

Jul 23, 2008 -  Barack Obama -  ABC News

Are you kidding me? It was one thing when the dictionary just gave up and started defining "nauseous" as "nauseated" just because everyone in the entire world would rather go with what sounds right than what is right. I get THAT one. That was a screw up in the first place. But nonplussed? This logic would only stand if "plussed" really were a word we used a lot, and if we meant it as being excited or reactive in anyway. As it stands, we don't say "plussed."

If you want to say "nonchalant," you should go for it. Now that's a great word. If you want to say "nonplussed," you better have a giant red Play-Doh tube in the shape of a really deep plus sign coming at you, buddy. Or else.

And Google Dictionary, this isn't over.

ANTM Recap "Alek Wek" Episode 2, Cycle 16

It's the bees episode.

Last night's ANTM had the girls posing with beads. Beads?! No, bees! Yes, bees. But not before the mandatory make-yourself-cry-in-a-fake-acting-class challenge. Remember when it used to be led by Tyra's Gayle all the time? I mean Tyra's best friend, Tasha Smith, who acts in a lot of Tyler Perry films these days. This time it was led by Eugene Buica, who made the girls draw their harsh inner critic and then voiced the inner critics as each girl confronted hers. "I hate myself because I have a baby face and a baby voice!" "Well, yes you really do. Sucks." (Then Baby Voice starts crying.) Here was Olivia Munn/Monique's biggest self-critique: "Sometimes when I'm PMSing I feel fat."

I forgot! Before the acting challenge, Tyra came into the girls' apartment - which was somehow already a "disaster zone" even though they've only lived there for at most three days - to teach them about nutrition. She and her personal nutritionist, Heather Bauer, introduced the idea of "Cheaties," which are foods that aren't as bad for you as you'd think. But instead of showing tips that no one has seen before, such as whipping yogurt or something, they did that lame magazine filler thing where you show two options and say "Guess which one's healthier!" but it's always the one that seems less healthy. So those should actually just be called "Better Choicies."

Before the photoshoot, we learned that Ondrei had two brothers that died. Olivia Munn/Monique felt that it was stupid for Ondrei to try to compete because "if [she] had any siblings die, [she]'d know better than to try to be America's Next Top Model." Excellent logic as always, Olivia Munn. When you suffer a loss, don't be an asshole and try to achieve your goals. You're not helping anyone.

We also learned that Molly (the winner from last week) was adopted as a baby! Why do I get so surprised with pleasure when I hear about a whitebread blonde model being an adopted kid? Because she's not a minority? What's up with that? What's up with me?

Mike Rosenthal shot their crazy bee photoshoot, and I'm still unclear on what the creative was aiming for with all those bees. They also drew weird lines on the girl's faces and eyebrows and then gave some of them them blackish blue lipstick, which looks great on everyone. Except bees. Basically nobody freaked out about the bees (beyond Olivia Munn giving them all the side-eye), and I wondered if they had their stingers removed but nobody bothered to mention it for ratings' sake. But if you remove a bee's stinger, doesn't it die? And why would I get so excited about a bee being adopted? What's up with bees?

Alek Wek co-judged at panel, and you probably know who she is. Here are the pictures I liked:


 

Mikaela, the Vampire
I liked this one because it's perfect. The lines balance out, and her ear hidden in shadows fits perfectly. I just wish there weren't so many bees all over her neck.

 

Brittani

Brittani's pretty goofy outside the photoshoots. She reminds me of a childhood friend with ADD who is always somehow flying around on the ceiling when you're just trying to play Clue. Jay Manuel thought she posed very professionally, always locked onto the camera. I think I like this because of Jay's influence.

Olivia Munn, the Freaking Idiot (Monique)
Andre Leo Talley said to frame this one and put it in Tyra's drawing room or something. I only like the eybrows. And the idea that she hates bees a lot.


 

Alexandria, "Natural Swag"

For being such a turd, at least Alexandria had the idea to put her arms straight out to the side. That's at least interesting. And again, I like the aspect of the bee about to sting her stupid mouth.

 



Hannah
This was the judges' number 1 pick. They wished her tearlines trailed down from eyes that were expressing sadness, rather than just posey beauty. I think there's too much crap on her forehead, especially with her head tilted back. But who doesn't love Hannah?




So at the beginning of panel, Ondrei decided that Olivia Munn was right and she had no business trying to reach for the stars when she should be face down on someone's grave for the rest of her life. And yet there was another elimination because Ondrei didn't have the worst picture. YOWCH. I hope this doesn't give them an excuse to do one fewer show. Don't they care about me at all?

In the end, they sent Nicole home because she "looked too old in pictures." This is code for "you're nowhere near as pretty or talented as we thought you were at the beginning." Natural Swag told her not to be the Sad One after she got the Bottom Two last week, but it looks like all the Natural Swag advice in the world wasn't enough to save her. Astounding!

Next week: MAKEOVERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Finally!

All photos courtesy of cwtv.com.

ANTM's Ann Ward Is In Vogue Italia!

As per the Tyra Banks, the reward for winning the last cycle of America's Next Top Model would be a spread in Vogue Italia as well as some boring deal about their beauty insert. Plus a contract with an agency, plus probably some sort of Covergirl hohokus. The gawkiest girl in the world won, and we all wondered what her spread would end up looking like - more lonely portraits eating bacon sandwiches, perhaps?

But no! Ann's spread is much more beautiful than bacon sandwiches! And at the risk of not citing everything properly (which I'm doing my best to do), here are her photographs:

The photographs all come from Oh No They Didn't! and there seems to be a source listed on that page, although it leads to another livejournal. Probably credit is due to Vogue Italia. Yes, it definitely is.

Congratulations, Ann! You have finally made some really expressive faces, and that wig WORKS. Congratulazioni!!!

"Empire of the Son" Gossip Girl Recap

It's a dark wintry night. Lily van der Woodsen Bass Humphrey is about to sign over her freedom and confess to a heinous crime. But how did we get to this emotional nadir? CUT TO 12 HOURS EARLIER...

SECRET HUMPDORFS

• 12 hours earlier, Blair is flirting with Dan for the whole episode and that for some reason makes Lily confess to her crime. Whuh?
• Honestly, that's the whole storyline for Blair and Dan this week. "We are flirting." "Are we flirting?" "My dad thinks we're a secret item." "We have to keep our flirting a secret." "And now we will kiss." The end. 
• However, there is a piece of Rufus Gold: "I saw you over there talking to Blair and I almost had a heart attack!" or something like that. Obviously Rufus would actually follow through and fake an entire heart attack if something like that did happen.

KID FINANCE GOES TO KIDD FINANCIAL

• Lily's looking through a newspaper article about Chuck's deal with Montel Thorpe's financial backers at the beginning of the day, but since I had no idea that their company was called "Kidd Financial," I assumed that it's just a thing to call someone "Kidd Financial" with 2 Ds if they're that financially savvy. Like wunderkind or something. For instance, you could've called Blair "Kidd Magazine" until last week when she ruined everything.
• So Montel gets back at Chuck by telling him Raina is hanging out with Nate a lot. The way Montel's using his daughter's sexuality feels a lot like the way Chuck sold Blair for a hotel last year. Thank God Raina is behind yet another curtain and can hear how monstrous her father is. And Nate's standing there with her like "Has anyone seen my bong?"
• I was pretty sure that this scenario would turn into Montel using Raina to drive a wedge between Chuck and his [male] best friend, thereby weakening Chuck and making it easier to hurt his company. It did not turn into that.
• Instead it turns into Montel being like "I know your daddy's dead, Chuck, but you should know: He set the fire that done kil't my wife." For as Dallasy as this whole scene is, this whopping secret deserves zero slow claps. Bc it's dumb.
• Eventually Serena's Dadwin comes back and tells everyone to brace for landing - Lily's probably going to jail for a while. (A) I doubt it, VDW and (B) why are you the only one who could possibly clue in the family to this possibility? Did you fly in from Geneva to deliver the news?

Meet the Ex-Con's Parents

• Someone's sending Lily orange prison jumpsuits, and we're all pretty sure it's Ben. Who else has access to prison jumpsuits? Think about it.
• But nope, it's his mom, who should've been played by Kristen Wiig for all the sighing and complaining she does throughout the episode: "We walked too far and now my legs hurt." "I'm lactose intolerant" (as Serena sets down a pizza).
• Ugh, oh God, Vanessa clomps back into everyone's lives by paying a visit to Lily. It seems she suspects Ben of having someone beaten in prison. I was under the impression that that's a pretty positive thing in prison, being able to have someone beaten. Like a Bar Mitzvah or something. Today you are a man who can have another man beat up a third man. Mazel Tov!
• So Serena yells at Ben for probably taking the affidavit that proves Lily's guilt, and he yells back at her for not trusting him. Classic trust argument at a fancy party. I really like the cover of "Blister in the Sun" that's playing in the background - a little research shows it's by Nouvelle Vague. There you go!
• BUT THE BEST PART IS! For whatever reason, Ben comes to his senses and realizes that this whole Serena thing is an attempt to relive his glory days of teaching, when nobody thought he was a child molester. And so it is for THIS reason that Lily turns herself in - to expunge his record and let him restart his teaching destiny. He better be freaking Robin Williams caliber.

The Kiss That No One Wanted

• Blair and Dan decide to not be friends anymore, and I'm ecstatic - not about the end of the friendship, but about the end of their potential for romance. But then she returns to his Brooklyn loft and they joke about actual plotlines (Blair Gold: "Only I get to joke about the hotel because it's still too soon"), and they can't help but kiss for God's sake. Right as Chuck and Serena are making their way over to them. GREAT I HOPE THEY WALK IN ON IT THAT OUGHTA BE SOMETHING.
• Now Dan and Blair have kissed and it froze on their kiss and I really don't want to puke but I might. Oh, barf.

And now we have to wait a month and a half for a new episode? Ridiculous! Here are my predictions for the rest of the season's surprises:

Springtime for Waldorf and Humperdink

• So I guess for Billy Baldwin to show up, he's probably going to be hanging around for a while. Maybe he's the one who diagnoses Lily's pregnancy for Pete's sake. SOMEBODY'S GOT TO!
• Blair and Dan stop kissing forever.
• Vanessa continues to style her ponytail like Serena and SWF's her way into Serena's friendship zone once S realizes that B is kissing Lonelyboy all the time in Brooklyn.
• Uncle Jack comes back and maybe the gang tricks him into doing battle royale with Billy Baldwin?
• I join the cast and they all start reading Becklectic, which means their lives are no longer scandalous or elite, just full of top model commentary.

THE PRE-OSCARS BEGIN

We are almost completely set up. Last night I cut out magazine pages to look like a bunch of little Oscars to hang on the wall of our living room. I printed out ballots and filled mine out with one color ink for the movies I think will win and another color for the ones I want to win. We have these snacks:

127 Hors d'oeuvres (really just 2 boxes of 40 hors d'oeuvres from the freezer section)
Toy Story 3 Cheese Bagel Bites
The Cighter ("Cider" + "Fighter")
InCervezeption (Corona Light)
True Dip (Josh's 7 layer dip)
The King'sPeach Cobbler
Vanilla Ice Cream Social Network
Black Flan (but really just a swampy color because it's hard to make food coloring turn something all the way black)

 LET THE PRE-OSCARS BEGIN!

America's Next Top Model Returns!

And folks, Tyra's funnier than ever.

Cycle 16 of ANTM premiered last night on the CW, and it started out with the cruelest joke in history: Tyra told the girls who made it through casting that they had actually lost. Then she "congratulated" 13 "other models" that by the grace of God MUST have been paid actors, although nobody ever confirmed or denied it. The losers moped around, herded into a swanky apartment by a PA for no good reason so that Tyra could come and console them because she likes to do that. But nope! Console she did not! Instead, she pulled down a curtain and showed the girls the apartment they'd be living in...SINCE THEY ACTUALLY WON, NOT LOST!

I should mention that before that segment, Tyra did a "This is why we're not showing casting" video that started out monstrous and ended up hilarious.



Another defense of Tyra Banks: whether she's aware of the mild unfunniness of the first half of the segment is immaterial. She commits. And when she manages to succeed, it's pretty enjoyable! And she has a nice haircut and wears t-shirts this season, which is nice.

And so we meet our ragtag team, all of whom have names that have already belonged to previous contestants. I'm not complaining; I know that if you're a model from America you basically have to be named Sara or Lauren or Ashlee. I'm just making an observation here.


Here are the girls I find interesting:

Monique
She looks like Olivia Munn and is, according to Tyra, "so sexy that people must be like, 'Tyra, what are you thinking?'" But I guess she's thinking, "I am casting her."

Sara

Tyra thinks she looks like a 19-year-old boy in makeup, and I agree. And I think her final picture from last night is AWESOME for how stretched and borderline ugly it is. Yet it's not? ...and with that, I've spent more than one thought thinking about it, and I'm pretty sure that's what makes a picture worthwhile.

Alexandria
This is the girl who described herself as having "natural swag." She's going to be a real asshole this season. She takes the Baby Voice girl under her wing and bosses her around for an entire evening. Then she repeats to every model, judge, and lampshade in the room that she's got natural swag.

Hannah

This little dork took a gorgeous final picture and reminds me of Analeigh from the Celia season. PS did I mention that basically 60% of the contestants this year look like trannies? Because it's true. (Hannah is in the other 40%)

Dominique

Dominique looks like Maya Rudolph and damn it, that's more than good enough for me.

Jaclyn/Baby Voice
Her voice is so squeaky, it's almost ironic that she thinks she has a baby face. No, it's fully ironic. I think that with any other voice, her face could look realistically aged.

Ondrei

Very short, but if that means 5'7" in the modeling world, how short is she?

Kasia
The only zaftig this season, and the only one with seemingly professional experience. Then why does her picture look so terrible? She's fixing her bra and frowning at nothing. If I wanted to see this, I'd stare in a mirror.


Mikaela
Is a vampire, so she can't be pictured. JK but there are seriously too many pictures up already and I'm nervous the page won't load.


Ones I don't really know who they are yet:
Dalya
Molly
Angelia (got kicked off first)
Brittani
Nicole

So anyway, Miss J made the girls walk in a huge plastic sphere on a very narrow and slippery catwalk. Before that, they had a photoshoot in hair and makeup. Several girls fell out off the runway, and it was abundantly clear that it's impossible to get back up in one of those things. Poor Maya Rudolph had to keep voguing inside of hers as she struggled to stand up over and over again.

In the end, Angelia got kicked off first and it's a good thing she was one of the Ones I don't really know who they are yet. I predict that the natural swag one will last for too long but will hopefully be the one who gets kicked off first in the exotic location - 50 hours on a plane takes some amount of natural swag.

All photos courtesy of cwtv.com! Black and white photos by Russell James.

And MORE NEWS!

"My name is Ben Schwartz and I have a popular blog!"

(According to NYMag:)

Jean-Ralphio is writing a remake of Soapdish!! BOUNCE! BOUNCE-BOUNCE-BOUNCE BOUNCE!

Upcoming Show!

The Venkmans (my improv group) has a show coming up on Saturday at the Triple Crown. You can find the details here. YES AND.