23 March 2010

The Empire's Uncle Strikes Back

Last night's episode of Gossip Girl was a DOOZY - for starters, Chuck's evil, would-be rapist uncle Jack is back...and he's got a goatee that befits him even more than it might fit someone named Damian. Speaking of Damian (the kid from Air Bud), Jenny travels further down the bad road under his bad influence, and I'm further reminded that she really stinks. Rufus and Lily talk it all out, and Serena and Nate stop doing it all the time (not). Here follow my itemized observations:
  • It was my understanding that Jenny ran away at the end of last week's episode. Well, she didn't. But at least she's sick of waffles, nice.
  • Chuck thinks that settling a sexual harassment case out of court will make him look more innocent? "The press won't know...no one will." Yeah right, Chuck. Perhaps you should have gone to college after all.
  • Rufus, the Smartest Dad In The World, sits finishing his waffles alone as Jenny loudly orders a car from right outside the door. Every day is Father's Day when Rufus is around.
  • Then when he immediately gets a call from school, he interrupts two different children's morning sexual exploits. Is that all relationships are on this show? Morning delight? I wouldn't let my kids watch this, either. Remember when Dan and Serena were dating, how they'd occasionally go outside? And have discussions about things? No wonder Jenny's so confused!
  • Nate doesn't go to Columbia anymore. They'll never admit it, but he really honestly doesn't go. I think he dropped out sometime after Serena's Trip phase.
  • Serena's actually right about something - Rufus is driving Jenny directly to Damian. I guess if Serena's smarter than anyone on this show, it's Rufus. The dumbest guy in the world.
  • Vanessa's bra is ridiculous. My roommate Colin thinks "they're still in their beachware" from last week's day party.
  • Damian reassures Jenny that they'll take it slow...tonight. "No rush." Someone really ought to explain what "taking it slow" means to these kids.
  • Chuck's grin is amazing - but then, of course, the reporters come flooding out and ruin it. Poor Chuck, you can never smile for too long.
  • "She's a teenage girl. Cutting school to be with her boyfriend isn't exactly criminal behavior." Straight from the mouth of Lily Bass, teenage renegade. Cutting school to be with her boyfriend is exactly what got her started down this luxurious, maneating road. I guess Jenny could actually do a lot worse.
  • Why is Serena eating the ice cream as she big-sisters Jenny? Is she over-sistering because Eric's gone? Is he back at the suicide clinic?
  • Jenny's story is really bringing some serious issues up for Nate and Serena...but this is as serious as they'll ever get. Turns out they both regret sleeping with each other back before season one, but neither realizes it.
  • Serena's planning on setting a honey trap for Damian, so Jenny can see what a jerk he is. "Chuck and Blair do it all the time" - yes, that's 100% true, and of course Serena would think she could pull it off with the same panache.
  • "If she were a vampire, I could slip garlic in her waffles, not that she'd eat them."
  • Rufus will be absolutely heartbroken when he finds out about Danessa. Poor, dumb Rufus.
  • Dan's going to draw a friends-only/friends-with-benefits map for Vanessa. There's my Dan!
  • OBVIOUSLY Damian knows about Serena's trap and thus avoids it. You can't be evil without also being pretty perceptive.
  • Chuck explains that, "Actually, I only wear purple because my father loathed it." It sounded like "loved it," and I had to use my SAT English reasoning skills to understand what on earth Chuck was saying. THAT'S why he wears purple?
  • Serena's plan sounds perfectly reasonable to Blair! And they even throw in a Daily Intel ref. Soon enough they'll be throwing in a becklectic ref, I know it. Soon enough.
  • The protesters outside Chuck's hotel are yelling "Boycott! Boycott!"
  • Would Blair say "Christian Louboutins" or just "Louboutins?" Come on, Blair, did you just get rich yesterday?
  • Serena's lacy figure-skater dress is pretty gross tonight, and Jenny's dress sort of echoes it. I think they're setting Jenny up to mirror Serena in a lot of ways. More on this later.
  • Lily and Chuck both get shunned at the Historical Society - and they turn to each other as best friends. In fact, Lily and Chuck might be the best best friends ever.
  • Ugh, Jack Bass. Hey, Rufus comes to Lily's defense just when he needs to! Good job, dumb Rufus.
  • Jenny to Nate: "Go away, traitor." I like this teenage Jenny. She's so moody and bratty. It's a constant reminder that she's the only baby left on the show, and she can't seem to grow up. I was sort of hoping Nate's talking-to would get through to Jenny, and they'd be best friends. Then I would get to compose a new chart of GG characters and who is now best friends with whom.
  • Whoa, Damian decked Nate! Colin: "I have a feeling that won't be the only time that happens at this function."
  • Cut to dumb Rufus facing away from the people at the party as his daughter and her punch-happy boyfriend make the loudest escape ever. Rufus could have his own movie called Genius Dad. It would be a child wish-fulfillment movie about a seriously underqualified dad and the hijinx his kids get into. Sort of like Camp Nowhere.
  • Jack slips in and suggests that he'll take over the hotel operations just as Chuck's lawyer advises him to step down while he's under fire. This episode should be called "Right Place, Right Time, Quiet Shoes." Seriously, every character entrance is like, "oop, I just got here and heard everything...ooooopsies for you."
  • Did Damian just say he would give Jenny a real reason to thank him? Now I'm puking and I'll never stop. That is grosser than the grossest SVU premise. Gross, Damian, you are horrible.
  • Give the company to Lily. Chuck's reason for not wanting the Bass money to bail him out is completely unfounded and illogical. That doesn't even make sense. Let Lily take over again, just like she did a year ago. A-Duh. The writers should've had Lily be involved in the sexual harassment suit, too, and then there'd be a real reason she couldn't take over.
  • "Jenny, why don't we talk about this...after? Mkay?" Damian, whoever writes your lines is amazingly talented. Could they be improvised?
  • Why does Jenny lie to Serena about what she didn't do with Damian? Does she think Serena called Rufus to the coffee shop? Has she forgotten the ice cream so quickly?
  • Chuck's mom's dress is a horrible pillowcase looking piece of poop. AND RIGHT HERE, I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN.
  • Why is Lily lying about getting more cancer screening tests for her mother with Dr. van der Woodsen? She could easily say, "Here, this is what's going on with my ailing mother. This is why I went to see my ex-husband in the first place." Oh, but I guess Rufus wouldn't get it. Too dumb.
  • Did Danessa agree to go public? Who cares?
  • I called it, Chuck's mom was in for the long con. WHAT A SLEAZE! And I totally called it.
  • NEXT WEEK'S PROMO: Oh no, Agnes the model is back. This is some big trouble! I think I saw a 90210 like this - some short haired blonde girl puts drugs in Brendan's drink. I have a feeling Agnes is Jenny's Georgina.
As promised, here are a few similarities between Jenny and Serena:
  • I read the wikipedia article about the Gossip Girl books and see that Jenny's supposed to be very short and full of boobs. Instead, she's tall, leggy, and blonde, just like Serena.
  • One's got a Georgina, one's got an Agnes.
  • Both seem to just do the exact opposite of what their parents say.
  • Both have kissed Nate.
  • There will be more solid similarities later, I promise.
The Dirty Dancing references lacing the episode are pretty gross and sad - Jenny listens to "I've Had the Time of my Life" after sullenly lying to Serena, and she "downloads" the movie only to compare Rufus to Jerry Orbach. Come on. Jerry Orbach was a legend.

My predictions for next week:
  • As we saw in the promo, Jenny's going to get drugged, and she'll probably get into even bigger trouble with Rufus. She's headed straight for boarding school, just like Serena.
  • Danessa will be boring, still.
  • Nate and Serena will celebrate their love for the entire hour.
  • This whole Jack/Chuck's mom fiasco won't end without the Blair-Jack Mistake coming to light. It will be hard, and Blair and Chuck might not end the season together, but then again they might make up. And they'll at least get back together next season, I bet.
  • If Chuck and Blair got freed up, Chuck could easily date Serena or even Vanessa, but whom would Blair date? She's already gone back to Nate too many times, and she'd never go anywhere near Dan. Poor Blair!
  • Blair and Rufus? Gross, she'd never, ever.
  • I can't wait for Serena's dad to come. Surely he'll come soon!
Until next week, I will be fuming over the mop-top return of Jack Bass. He'll get his, but it might take a while.

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