05 March 2010

The Tool Least Modest

Last Sunday's Tool Academy focused on modesty, and each tool's obligatory self-portrait was almost as sad as the accompanying explanation. Neandertool was so confused, he didn't even realize that he assured Trina (Licensed Couples Therapist) that he was just saying what she wanted to hear. Boy Band Tool drew himself as a robot, and Teary Tool wept from shame at a huge secret from his past (he was poor growing up). He introduced it as melodramatically as Michael Scott from The Office: "What I'm about to tell you is one of the hardest things...I could probably say. It's a big family secret." Trina helped him through it "Big Time," then tried to counsel Meth Tool until it became abundantly clear that he would benefit from several sessions' worth of actual therapy.

Their challenge for the week was to sit behind a 2-way mirror, watching focus group participants rag on their audition tapes. The focus group itself seemed to have been cast with Real World rejects and that Asian ex-prostitute from Reno 911 (whose best advice went to Mrs. Married Tool: "He's not gonna change until he's ready. So you know what? Bye! Peace! Divorce! Bye!"). Suddenly, three fights erupted at once! Loony Tool stormed out embarrassed at the focus group's comments, then Neandertool flexingly reminded Toolette's boyfriend not to talk to his girlfriend, then the Meth Tools got into a fistfight. Meanwhile, Toolette was squawking in the corner like she was animatronic.

Trina jumped in and saved the day ("She's like the emotional SWAT team, man"), and the rest of the challenge wrapped up with minimal posturing. The comments got rough enough that Trina had to visit the tools at home afterwards to re-explain the exercise as a journey through modesty. Her shirt happened to spill open, revealing a tan, freckled flat expanse of skin, but none of the tools were impressed. What if this show were actually about Cougar Trina's quiet hunt for prey? That would make everything different and nothing different, all at the same time.

In the end, Meth Tool flunked the Academy for reasons totally unrelated to the Modesty merit badge. For the love of God, please keep this person in therapy. He broke up with his girlfriend ("Can't expect me to turn a ho into a housewife"), who might have also been his baby-mama. Ostensibly he went back to the closed-door room in his grandma's house to practice rave sticks for another few years. Trina, do you do pro-bono? Would you? Please?

My dvr didn't record next week's promo, but I would guess that Neandertool is ready to try to beat up Toolette's boyfriend. He's probably not ready to realize that her boyfriend has clearly done a stint in the military. Tool fight!

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