28 March 2010

Tool Family Reunion

I didn't recap last week's Tool Academy, for I was visiting patriotic Bedford, MA. I'd like to apologize to anyone who had big plans to read this girl's opinions on the tooliest show on earth, and to make up for it, I'd like to offer the following:

This week, the tools' families (and girlfriends' families) attend therapy, and Trina shows them the callback videos from way back when the tools thought they were on an entirely different kind of show. In case you've forgotten, these were the WORST videos Tool Academy has ever had. Teary Tool explains that he has given his girlfriend several STDs while demonstrating humping the floor eight different ways, and then he boasts that his boobs are so big, he's fallen in love with himself.* That's the main gist of these videos.

*I had always assumed that these video claims were
obviously lies (two different tools recounted stories about incestuous twins), but nobody so far has ever admitted to stretching the truth. So I guess the stories are real? At any rate, they're completely embarrassing - lies or not.

Neandertool and his girlfriend Christie go first. Christie's family must not have been interested in visiting the academy because her two best friends show up, instead. Neandertool's mom watches his video and is shocked, but not as shocked as Teary Tool's mother is.

First of all, apparently Teary is a first-generation Ameritool. His parents have the thickest accents I've ever heard. I believe they are Greek. At any rate, his video plays (see description above), and his mother is instantly humiliated. She looks like she wants to vomit at the thought of giving birth to this kid. Then we look over at his girlfriend's mom, who's basically lacing up her boxing gloves. She's about to knock his block off, big time. Naturally, he turns on the waterworks, and after a while things settle down.

Toolette's mother is a madame who taught her children to laugh things off, so naturally, therapy is very difficult for them. Her boyfriend Kyle's brother is appalled at Toolette's video, and when Trina encourages Kyle to tell his girlfriend how he feels about her cheating, her whole family starts snickering. Trina reminds them why it would be helpful not to laugh, and Toolette's mom insists that they must agree to disagree. Kyle, if there was ever a case of "look at the mother, see what you'll be married to," this is it.

Immediately afterwards, there's a family dinner 'n' drinks party. It seems like they're setting up Neandertool to be the winner, as he gets a lot of sound clips like "I'm really changing!" I was hoping Teary Tool's mother-in-law-to-be would take this opportunity to really go after him, but he sort of wins her over by the end of the meal. Then the host, Jordan (probably the prototype Tool Graduate), comes in and announces that the tools will now be taking care of newborn babies.

They get back to their communal room and see that the babies are robots. Everyone seems to handle them without incident, but Toolette immediately insists on having no part of it, as she feels trapped. Then the next minute, she screams at her boyfriend for not letting her hold the "sleeping" baby. She throws a hissy fit outside and tries to complain to the cameramen, but they shuffle off really quickly. Either she's on a coke rage, or she's still smarting from therapy.

The Tearies get involved as Kyle packs his bags to leave. It looks like a fight is going to break out, but there are just a lot of empty threats and Toolette-brand animatronic threat-babbling. Teary Tool drinks red punch from the baby bottle he's holding. It's not until the next morning that a true fight breaks out - Teary encourages his girlfriend to hit Toolette, then charges at her himself, and then of course Kyle flying-tackles him. Then Toolette pulls Teary's girlfriend's hair.

In Defend-Your-Boyfriend hour, Neandertool's girlfriend makes a clear power-play by opining that the Tearies shouldn't have gotten involved in Toolette's relationship. Second place knows that it's easier to fight against Third than First. Neandertool's girlfriend really is a tactical genius.

It's a dark and stormy night as the girl[boy]friends wait outside under black umbrellas. Inside, Trina addresses Toolette and Teary in the bottom two: "I'm shocked at how bonkers the last 24 hours have been." Toolette is eliminated, and it seems inevitable that she's going to beat up Teary's girlfriend when she gets outside.

On the Fate-of-your-Relationship block, Kyle says there won't be a future if Toolette can't change. (a) She won't change, and (b) this stuff won't end until she gets pregnant with someone else's kid, and then Kyle will clearly raise that kid alone.

This was the best episode of the season. I truly hope that the finale (between Neandertool and Teary Tool) blows this one out of the water, although I don't see how it could. Toolette was a 30-year-old spark plug that shook up the whole dorm. Things will most definitely slow down without her there.

No comments:

Post a Comment