As I wait for my roommates to wake up on this First Day of Daylight Saving Time, I find myself watching Goldmember and wishing I had more Michael Caine in my life. Should I re-watch Blame It On Rio? Or is it as simple as finally purchasing Dirty Rotten Scoundrels? Oh, Lady Fanny, of Omaha. Of course.
TOOL ACADEMY EPISODE #1 OF THE DAY. "Appreciation":
The Tools have to watch their girlfriends get married - and I have amazingly high expectations for the Toolette/boyfriend ceremony. Last season, when Big John observed this exercise, he punched through a glass lantern and got kicked off several episodes later for the offense. Today, Neandertool refuses to sit down, and he stands at the altar swearing in front of the Tool Academy Chaplain. Wow, he really can't understand that this is a fictional illustration. His girlfriend counters, "what do you think, we're gonna get freaky right here?" "Do what you gotta do, Christie. Do what you gotta do."
I'm remembering that last year's challenge was more about going on dates with these non-Tools (and getting respected by them), which is more threatening than a fake wedding where the only words exchanged are vows. And yet Toolette can't stand it, and neither can Teary Tool. As Loony Tool's girlfriend asks her fake husband never to be distracted, Loony suddenly jumps up because there's a mouse next to him. The Married Tools had their wedding in her mom's kitchen!
Guess Who's Hosting a Dinner Party: The Tools have to grocery-shop and cook for their girlfriends, and Neandertool is surprisingly attentive until he isn't ("Christie loves salmon, she loves asparagus, she loves mushrooms...and that was actually the meal that we had after the first time we had sex, so hopefully she can connect the dots"). Lol, Teary Tool cried from chopping onions! After dozen of so Top Chef edits, and they all sit down to dinner, and my roommates and I simultaneously realize that borrowing from other popular reality shows is a great insurance policy.
During dinner, Married Tool is all over his wife, and it's the same with Lesbian Tool. They refuse to give their damn things a rest, and it's hard to watch. Especially when you realize that Mrs. Tool isn't always surrounded by cameras and bodyguards.
Kyle and Christie work out together, and it's a problem for Teary Tool's girlfriend, who is currently in the Conjugal Visitation Room. I guess somebody has to keep up Meth Tool Girlfriend's High Standards of Polite Society. Although they've won the rights, the Teary Tools refrain from intimacy. Instead, Teary girlfriend has to save up all her energy for screaming at Neandertool's girlfriend for the rest of the night.
It gets clearer and clearer how much the girlfriends mirror their tools. Neandertool's girlfriend consistently instigates with the safety of her size, and Teary Tool's girlfriend constantly cries and hits her peak emotional level. At judging, we see that both Neander and Teary have passed with flying colors. Or at least, the producers want to keep watching their girlfriends fight.
The final two are the handsy ones from dinner. Married Tool gets agitated when Lady Lovin starts "breathin' like a rhino." It's abundantly clear that he should be going home, but when the time comes, it's Toolette #2 that walks outside to meet her girlfriend...and the fate of their relationship.
This girlfriend is UPSET, and probably for good reason. Lady Lovin' Tool chases the limo, which is the first time I've seen that level of commitment from a tool. I'm really sad to see Lady Lovin' go. She left a better woman than when she started.
and as if one recap of Tool Academy a week wasn't enough, vh1 had to throw another new episode into the mix!
TOOL ACADEMY EPISODE #2 OF THE DAY. "Maturity":
It looks like the tools are going to badmouth each other in therapy today, and to what benefit? To give us the George & Martha of all the Tool Academy therapy sessions, of course. The tools and their girlfriends must assign the other couples to given superlatives, none of them nice. Everyone agrees that Boyband Tool can't support his girlfriend, and I'm suddenly realizing that you can wear the sleeve of a t-shirt as a headband. The tools, of course, knew all along.
They should probably be handling this exercise anonymously, right? It seems like that might be the way this kind of thing usually goes. But no, we get to watch the Teary Tools and the Neandertools duke it out over every single superlative. "Hugest Jerk Couple," "Most Phony Couple," I would use real examples, but who would notice the difference?
When I was hoping for a Nice with Nice trade-up (Toolette's boyfriend with Neandertool's girlfriend), I had no clue what a complete jerk she was. She's super sneaky and mean to the point of nearly betraying her several insecurities. It can be a rude awakening to remember that the girlfriends can be just as toolish as their counterparts and usually are. Eventually Married Tool calls someone out for "triflin!" That's the same as therapy's end-of-class bell.
Loony Tool's girlfriend decides not to date her 3x DUI boyfriend anymore, without any elimination having to do with it. Meanwhile, Neandertool gives Teary a piece of his mind while enjoying a bagel with cream cheese. The tools put on uniforms and go to finance class, and the tattooed teacher, Larry Winget, really wins over Married Tool. He turns from "he look like a skinhead" to "That dude's a hustler, legally. I love it."
The Teary Tools win the challenge again, and against my roommate Colin's fervent warning, Teary brings up all the wrong stuff during his limo date by talking about his audition video's worst moments. Colin: "Shouldn't have taken it there." Simultaneously, Loony Tool and his girlfriend are going through divorce therapy, and Loony admits that he's got a girl on the side.
Trina: Do you still have hope for the relationship, after this?
Loony Tool's Girlfriend: No, of course not, no.
Loony Tool is gone, yet they're expelling another tool as well. Double Eliminationsies! Boyband Tool has to toot during elimination but is nervous about it, this being maturity week. The event was so funny, it instigated a 10-minute roommate panic session of trying to capture the best shot of Boyband's face as he weighs consequences. This was it.
Neandertool and Boyband make up the Bottom Two, and "bottom" and "two" are both clues towards who loses. I'm sad to see Boyband Tool go simply because he most resembled the Tool Academy silhouette. His girlfriend stays with him because she must want to pay him a competitive salary forever. That's true love.
It should be noted that within two episodes, all three girls that defended Teary Tool's girlfriend during her kerfuffle with Neandertool's girlfriend have been eradicated. I am very very nervous for Teary Tool next week. She might get beaten up.