This Just In: Tim Daly & Tyne Daly Are Brother And Sister?!?!?!!

I've been watching a lot of Wings lately because it's on Netflix watch instantly, AND GUESS WHAT! Tim Daly (Joe Hackett, the handsomer one) is Tyne Daly's (Lacey from Cagney & Lacey) little brother!

(photos courtesy of linked sources)

ANTM Season Finale Recap!

After two and a half long months of brutal competition, ANTM is ready to crown her new queen. Let them all bow to her! Let her pose with them! Long live Queen Tyra!!

The first bit of the season finale is always a lonnnnggggg segment that tries to make the girls seem more sympathetic. In this season's case, their plights are completely truthful and thus more painful than usual. Molly's been to rehab because of the rejection she feels around being adopted. Brittani's mom has such a debilitating social anxiety disorder that she never leaves the house, thrusting all familial social responsibility onto Brittani. But it sort of feels better to know that Molly and Brittani can now share the big bed that had once made Molly SO ANGRY.

In the morning the girls speak to Ivan Fart, VP of IMG. He looks like he's sitting in a back brace. Then he sends them off to their Covergirl commercial, never having to speak a word. The commercial is, as always, a stilted monologue of nonsequiturs about new makeup. Molly has a great rehearsal, but then she can't shake her natural mean face as three cameras simultaneously taunt her. She raises her hands in some sort of half-defensive, half-graceful bird claw shape. Then Brittani goes, flubs 1000 takes, and manages one wacky, successful shot at the very end. A very successful shot.

Next come the Covergirl print ad beauty shots. Eff this, why is Molly so pretty. If I tried to make the faces she makes, I'd look like a great big turd. Pierpaolo Ferrari (the photographer) keeps calling Brittani "professional" in his interview, which would normally be a backwards insult about how unpretty he finds her. But in this case, it turns out Molly's 'tude can't seem to stay hidden, and Pierpaolo finds her thoroughly unprofessional. Brittani looks like a flapper in her shot and makes it work, which is just what she does. She makes things work.

The next day, the girls meet with Pierpaolo again for their Vogue Italia photo spread. Again Brittani kills it and Molly is "unprofessional." Why can't Molly just pull it out? I guess to get to the 14th week of ANTM must get to be exhausting. That's why it's so great that her parents surprise her before the fashion show! And that's why it's so terrible that Brittani's mother has social anxiety. She can't come, but they videochat instead. It's so sad, no software company wants to sponsor it.

And now it is time for the Vivienne Westwood fashion show, which will take up three rooms of a large Moroccan palace. WELCOME BACK, ANN!!!!!!! Molly bops around when she walks, overcrossing her legs and taking teensy geisha steps. Brittani's walk kills it, of course, but at one point she giggles and it makes Tyra v sad. Then, obviously, Brittani slips on some rose petals and falls headlong into a door. Her ankle reallllly hurts, but I posit aloud to my television that she could just Kerri Strug it at this point and seal the deal. And guess what? SHE STRUGS IT!

 

Before the final Elimination, Tyra decides to give the girls one last haircut. I was hoping for a buzz, but they both just get very short haircuts. Molly looks like Dennis the Menace. Brittani looks like Audrey Hepburn. Did they do that to Molly so that we could all feel better about preferring Brittani's goofiness to Molly's pristine beauty?

Analyzing the runway show, Tyra again defends a terrible walk (this time Molly's) by calling it "signature." The judges watch the Covergirl commercials and look at the print ads, and it looks like they prefer Brittani for both. I personally don't love the cockamamey eyelines in Brittani's shot, and ALT feels the same way - he "officially" wants to frame Molly's shot and hang it in his salon.

As the judges deliberate, it honestly feels like they might choose two winners for the first cycle ever. But in the end, there can only be one new top model (every six months). And IT'S BRITTANI, BITCH!

I bet Molly's so mad they cut her hair, but she doesn't really show it. Did they make a mistake? She seems to be shielding her angry feelings quite appropriately.  At any rate, Brittani's lipstick and mascara are smeared, she's so happy, and she's going to use the money to buy her mom a mansion she'll never have to leave.

HOORAY BRITTANI!

photos courtesy of CWtv.com

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Oh My God.

Gossip Girl Recap: "The Wrong Goodbye"

Once again it's time for the Gossip Kidz to part ways for the summer, leaving us behind in stinky old touristy New York. But before they jet away, they must undergo one final test - a crucible, if you will. They must chase Raina out of NYC before she borings it up so much that no one can undo what has been done.

The Near-Defenestration of Cousin Charles

• The episode opens on Vanessa and Serena discussing Cousin Charlie's crazy past. She had "SWFed" her college roommate, so now obviously she's "The Roommating" her cousin. When done to Serena, this can also be called "Julietting."
• At the Constance Billard Alumni Prom, Cousin Charlie finds a bottle of booze, leaves the pourer thingmajig on, and walks into the middle of the ballroom to start crazy dancing and to pour thin streams of vodka down her gullet. When Dan walks in, she's like "Thanks for leading me on for weeks on end! You're worse than my cousin...I mean me!" and he's like "Actually, remember the very first thing I told you? Where I was like 'we shouldn't date'?" And she's like "It's these pills and the booze, I need a window!" So Georgina's like "Here's one" and Dan is like "So what's the story on that vodka, can I have it?" because he's reading Tolstoy at the moment.
• When Serena finally figures out that Cousin Charlie is trying to kill herself, she thrusts open the doors of the topmost room at Constance. Just inside, Cousin Charlie thrusts open the window. It's actually a pretty great SWF shot. 
• Serena pretends to be a self-absorbed therapist until Cousin Charlie relents and scoots off the window sill to give her a great big hug. They're saved! BUT WAIT! Charlie calls someone to say they all bought it, those morons. Georgina obviously overhears and is like "let's you and me have some talks." Then later, when Charlie gets off the bus in Florida, her "mother" turns out just to have hired her so the van der Woodsens can NEVER get their filthy paws on the real Charlie! ...Cece doesn't know what her own granddaughter looks like?
• And Serena goes to the coast and is immediately offered a script reading internship for pretending that she's read some Fitzgerald book or whatever. She'll probably get paid for it, too.

Bluck, the Star-Crossed Rich People in Love

• Last episode, Montel had Blair trapped on what I thought was Constance Billard's roof. This episode tells us that he was actually in the basement of some building in Brooklyn, heavily suggesting that Blair sit in the lone wooden chair.
• Thanks to some creative pocket dialing, Chuck comes to the rescue with Raina and Nate in tow. Raina brilliantly grabs the lighter out of her maniacal father's hands as police sirens come in from afar! One more second and this place woulda BLOWN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
• So naturally, Blair and Chuck celebrate by ditching Nate and Raina and crashing a bar mitzvah. As Adele's "Rolling in the Deep" plays, Bluck dance the hora, get lifted in chairs, and find some weird tented back room to hook up in (why weren't there 7th graders in there?). It's like one of those long, melancholic dreams that carry with them possibly the hardest residual dreamotions to shake. 
• The good news is: THEY MADE A BABY DURING IT!!!!!!!!!!!! Maybe. Oh, and Chuck paid off the Bar Mitzvah so no harm no foul.
• Although Blair decides to go with Chuck, it's a bleak and depressing decision. So bleak, it registers even on Chuck's radar as unpleasant. And so he gives her away to the prince, sealing her definite future as a princess of Monaco, never to break up or divorce ever again.
• Why is the prince so ok with letting Blair chase Chuck out of buildings so often? She has never chased the prince anywhere.
• Aw, when Chuck explains his stuff to Nate, he acknowledges the fact that he left the Empire State Building after only 2 minutes last year while the prince just waited all freaking night. GREAT SCOTT! HE KNOWS! The music that plays during this scene makes me want to barf and cry on a rainy day.
• At least Blair and Dan will remain movie buddies. That's all I wanted!!!!
• Did I mention that Chuck and Blair MADE A BABY? We're supposed to be in the dark about whether the pregnancy test is hers or Serena's, but c'mon.

NO VANESSAS CLUB

• Blah blah, Vanessa barges into the loft and finds Dan's manuscript, Inside. Which would only be made better if it were called "Insider" because then you've gone the whole way with the title pun that's clearly about Serena. Insider? I just met her!
• Vanessa thinks all artists have to be outsiders and shit on people and never be happy. Sure, that's correct, but you don't have to say it like that or even acknowledge it at all. Better that way!
• So even though Dan tells her to drop it and leave, she takes it straight to a publisher and adjusts the author to "Anonymous." Then she's going to Barcelona and she wants all the checks sent there. Wow, what a non-issue that will be next season.
• In the meantime, Dan and Eric will gay up the Hamptons together.

Georgina's Zinginas

• "I haven't been this bored since I believed in Jesus."
• "I'm sorry, she's part of the game and I'm not?!"
• (There were more, but I was laughing too hard to write them down I guess)

And there we have it, a pregnancy that's not Lily's and an upcoming season without Jenny or Vanessa. CHA CHANG!

ANTM Recap "Ivan Bart"

 

There are just 3 girls left in the running towards becoming America's Next Top Model, and the competition is as blisteringly fierce as the harsh Moroccan sun. In an effort to provide some SPF, Tyra applies herself liberally to the episode, reapplying as necessary. Meanwhile, "Ivan Bart" sounds like a portmanteau of "Ivanhoe Fart." Onwards and upwards, girls!!

At the top of the episode, Hannah once again summarizes each of the girls' strengths and weaknesses. She then prematurely declares herself the most "dynamic" of the girls left, then cries and cries throughout the rest of the hour. Back to you in a few, HansBanans.

In their Moroccan apartment, the girls share a convo about their struggles (or "kampfs"): Molly's still raw about her adoption, Brittani's still raw about her trailer park upbringing, and Hannah's still raw about the eyes. There's a montage of Hannah's crying shots from the rest of the season, and it's fantastic. Then after like one second of segue, we're back to watching Molly bitch about something as Brittani struggles with a lamb leg and Hannah cries in the corner.

The next morning, Mister Jay tells the girls that TV's The Insider has asked them each to fill 90 seconds of continuous airtime with Moroccan fashion reports. They have to research their topics, interview non-English-speaking strangers, and successfully keep track of 90 seconds' progress when they roll tape. This is something I would ask a Journalism graduate student to do, not a freaking catalogue model. It's a miracle that these girls come up with anything.

Hannah thinks she's got this one in the bag, but to her chagrin, her tape is dumb. She says things like "Hello, or should I say 'salaam' tee hee." Molly wins the challenge, but only because she's the only girl to wrap up her report before the 90-second mark shuts her off. Sheesh, that was ROUGH. It's definitely time for a visit from Tyra.

Tyra has Emotionversations with each girl, and we get to hear Molly talk yet again about being adopted and how she's vaguely upset about it. A picture of her adoptive parents shows that they look like carbon copies of the parents from Webster. IS MOLLY WEBSTER, OH MY GOD. That's why everyone's mistaking her sassy comments for bitchiness! Her outsides don't look like the tiny, adorable imp she truly is!

Afterwards, Tyra stages one of her famous guerilla backyard photoshoots, in which she handles makeup, hair, lighting, set building, creative directing, and photography all by herself. The girls get black smudges around their eyes, and they take turns trying to impress the most famous supermodel in the universe. Brittani's eyes "bore through the camera straight into me," says Tyra later on. Impressed much!??!?!?!

Then I brace for the worst because Tyra starts teaching them how to move body parts in isolation, which is typically Lesson One in bellydancing. But instead of giving them a miserably awkward sexy dance lesson, she takes them up to the roof where men wearing fezzes are playing music! And she gives the girls each a fez with a long tassel on the end, which is supposed to be whirled around in a circle above their heads. Watching anyone jam out by twirling her neck around is always funny, but watching models do it is even better.

Tyra Mail comes and tells the girls, "Are you really committed? You will be tomorrow." Clearly this means the girls will be photographed in straight jackets. But actually it means they'll be posing with boys in scenes about commitment ceremonies.

Actually they're on the beach, and once again, Mister Jay dons full dress and makeup to introduce the girls to the shoot. He is still Creative Director of these things, right? Because it seems like he'd have to spend a lot of the shoot taking off that eye makeup.

The girls pose with a standoffish male model, and nobody does very well. Hannah's pretty sure she nailed it, though. Now just wait five seconds and she'll start crying, and the cycle will start over again. "I did the best! Wah wah wah. Tired."

At Elimination time, we meet the episode's namesake, Ivan Bart. Bart is the head of IMG, but he looks so uncomfortable, it must be the first time he's been asked to give his opinion on modeling. He kind of sinks back into his chair and tries to look invisible throughout the rest of the episode. Ivanhoe Fart!

As the world turns, Tyra LOVED the girls' films! So much that she's picking two shots for each girl, which is an interesting idea. What was once merely a snapshot taken during a love scene is now a two-part narrative with implied emotional arcs! Tyra, what haven't you learned at Harvard Business?!

Brittani made me nervous during her shoot because she refused to model facing/touching/acknowledging her male partner. But Tyra loves the choice, and here are the shots she chooses:

The one on the left gets better as you look at it because you start noticing all of its strange angelic elements. Brittani is disappearing into a glowing light, and it makes her left arm look like it's turning into a wing. Her hand touching the man's is like a crazy, reversed "Creation of Adam," which in itself makes one wonder what exactly is being said about the original painting. Where there was once a guy, now it's a girl. Where God once sat, now the guy sits. Where Adam seemed to be interested in being created, now Brittani seems more interested in returning to heaven. QUEL MAGNIFIQUE! The second picture is pretty boring, I think, but it looks more or less like a magazine ad and Andre Leon Talley says she sure did sell him that belt.

Hannah is stoked to see her pictures, but oy oy oy, I don't know:

The first one is a good idea with a terrible face and poorly executed leg. The second one is dramatic and pretty, but it doesn't make any sense at all. Her "lover" is hidden so far in the background, he gets lost in the smoke-machine smoke. What part of their love story is this illustrating? The time she had to stretch?

Molly may have a bad attitude, but Nigel loves shooting her. Ivan Bart finally chimes in to say photos are her strong suit. DUH, Ivanfart.

Where Hannah's pointed foot is awkward and weak, Molly's is just fine, according to every single judge. Her body shape is endlessly fun to look at, and her face is perfect, as always. It should get boring to look at her pictures after a while, but nope. And then this second one? Hi again, Lara Stone.

As the judges deliberate, Nigel brings up how much he doesn't like shooting Brittani. Gee, thanks a lot for continuing to shit all over the girl who, to be fair, did make one huge mistake but who hasn't made any since then. It is at this point that Tyra mentions Brittani's intense eye contact, and momentarily it seems like Tyra might be falling in love with her despite herself. I would obviously watch the spinoff of their romantic relationship but I fear it wouldn't last longer than one season. By then I would be totally engrossed and much more vulnerable to heartbreak. Better not to.

The judges bring up Molly's sourpussness, but Tyra says that her time with Molly the other day was "lovely." This means Hannah is the only one Tyra's not in love with, which means Vivienne Westwood won't be falling in love with her either, since she won't be walking in her fashion show. Did I mention that's their final runway? Because it's gonna get WEIRD!!!!!!!!

And so the episode ends with a deadlier match-up than any seen before on an ANTM finale: Brittani vs. Molly, amazing model vs. amazing model. WANNA BE ON TOP gerk! gerk! wan-na-WAH beep gerk! gerk! wan-na-WAH "Model model modellll model model modellllll"

Next week: Tensions will be high as Brittani maybe falls and the girls do mortal kombat in front of VivWesty! It's on!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Photos courtesy CWtv.com

Gossip Girl Recap "Shattered Bass"

Guy fight!!!!!

Very unfortunately for all of us, the CW photo bank doesn't seem to have any pictures of Blair's Roman Holiday dream. For if it did, we might all slip into moped crash daydreams where princes turn into Chucks, and the world might end. I can see your logic now, television website.

And now for a chapterized look at the goings-on of the UES Elite:

She's Losing Her Mind! And I'm Reaping All the Benefits.

• Looks like Cousin Charlie is crazier than an entire Ostroff Center's worth of debutantes. First she's dumping pills IN THE LIVING ROOM TRASH CAN, then she's stealing dresses and cutting out tags left and right, then finally, she's luring Dan into the office of a headmistress that she's never even HEARD of in order to complete her insane transformation into Cousin Serena. Sheesh, all Georgina did was have a baby. Pace yourself, Cousin!

• When did Charlie start dating Dan in the first place? I guess we're left to assume that it was right after Dan slammed that door in Vanessa's face last week. Bad news, Sideburns, but just because you kick out your jerk friend doesn't mean that everything's fixed and that now nothing stands in the way of dating your step-sister/ex-girlfriend's cousin. Unless, wait, does it?

• So I guess Cousin Charlie and Dan are sharing a postcoital morning as they eat 1,000 pounds of candy. The look on Dan's face signifies intense regret/low-grade sugar poisoning.

"I'm CRAZY for jellybeans, Dan."

• It's around here that Cousin Charlie says something about how sour patch kids and books used to be her only friends, particularly Flowers in the Attic. Ha-ha, a hilarious nod to a book about not only incest but torturous family imprisonment. Next thing you know, we'll find out her last name is Fritzl! And bad news, Cousin: sour patch kids cause mouth blisters and juvenile CRAZINESS.

• The cousins have the awkwardest talk of all time about dating Dan until Serena finds out Charlie hasn't gotten access to her trust fund yet. Then she springs into action, calling several bank representatives and money polishers on her behalf. "You're my fairy godcousin! HEEE HEE HAW HAW HAW HUHYUCK!" says Cousin Charlie.

• Thank god for all those mirror reflections of Charlie - otherwise we would have had no other way to realize that she's A CRAZY PERSON. And thank god we all took those film symbolism classes together. 

• This whole golden dress mix-em-up nightmare is pretty ballsy for Cousin Charlie, but then again, it's only her way of marking new territory. It is the same reason Dan smells like pee these days.

• AAAAAAAAAAAND then she tells Dan to call her "Serena" while they're going at it in the Headmistress's office. Now that, ladies and gentlemen, is one thing Vanessa would never do.

• At the very end, Vanessa shows up and is like "Deal with it, I'm already here" to Serena. They discuss Cousin Charlie's diabolical schemes until Rufus wanders in going "does anyone know why the hell this kid isn't taking her pills?!" Rufus, Vanessa, and Serena: The unlikeliest crime fighting trio since Flowers in the Attic!

Jack Bass is Back...Jass?

• Nate enters the apartment, sets his purse down on the pool table, and lets out a SHRIEK when he sees Uncle Jack talking to Raina Bigglesworth. He looks like he just ran into a screen door, and it's with good reason: Unkie Jack is not to be trusted with your girlfriend.

• I missed the reason Jack is back in town, but it's clear that he's interested in screwing over Chuck, Montel Thorpe, or a combination thereof. In the end, he only screws over Montel. And when I say that, I mean "obtains evidence that shows Montel murdering his own wife and trying to blackmail a 19-year-old into believing his own father did it." GOTCHA!

Two best friends shadowbox as an Uncle looks on.

• Also, Uncle Jack is amazing in the kitchen as Chuck and Nate try to interrogate Montel. "All you have in the fridge is olives and hallucinogenic mushrooms. I gotta get room service!!!"

• Jack should clearly date/marry Raina and they should terrorize the UES forever.

The Vitamin Water Bride

• Blair's engaged, and there's going to be a party. So naturally she wears the ugliest dress of all time, complete with tutu-sleeves, and has the caterers make blintzes. Oh brother, Blair. The only good decision of your entire life was declining to ruin your mother's relationship with Cyrus Rose, who is a masterpiece. And he called Blair a Princess Bride!

• Serena apologizes to Blair for her last-week shenanigans like so: "Blair, I'm sorry I sent those blasts to Louis's mother, but everything worked out great, so can we just enjoy it and move on please?" Blair! Everything worked out great! So just enjoy it and move on! Please!!!!!!!

• Blair goes to see Chuck in person like 14 times this episode, and Prince Louis's mother knows about every one of them. She probably wouldn't have been able to know about it if Blair merely TEXTED Chuck the exact same news, but then Gossip Girl would become a show about texting and email blasts and smart phones. Wait. Wait.

Chuck secretly appraises the value of Blair's new engagement ring.

• "Princess Sophie, welcome to our tasteful and appropriate home!" slurs Lady Eleanor, the perpetually sauced.

• Dan shows up at Blair's engagement party (when Serena first notices the golden dress mix-em-up), but since they're suddenly not friends at all anymore, there's no reason for him to be there. I wish there had been some reason for him to be there. On the plus side, when each  person at that party hears about Chuck getting abducted to Ostroff or wherever, they're all like "Good, he should be in rehab." 

• Bad news Blairs: at the end of the episode, it's not Chuck she's meeting on the roof. It's MONTEL! And you just know he's going to throw her! The Deroofination of Monaco!

All photos courtesy of CWtv.com

ANTM Recap "Daniella Issa Helayel"

Moroccan Barbie Variety Pack

Outdoor markets, antique tea sets balanced on your head, monkeys, monkeys, monkeys. Such is the life of the Top Model in Morocco! At the top of the episode Hannah tries to compliment each of the remaining girls, but it's difficult because Alexandria keeps speaking over her to say "Yeah, but I'm a lot more though." The gang meets Franca Sozzani for tea, and Brittani accidentally brings up whether or not Franca's scared about the internet ruining print journalism. It's like she's campaigning never to appear in Vogue Italia. C'mon, Tani.

Soon it's time for the girls to balance trays full of silver tea sets on their heads. First they learn how, then they put on a show for 100 Moroccan businessmen. How or why on earth they would do this is a complete mystery to myself and the African continent. First of all, how are ANY of them good enough after 45 minutes to do this in front of STRANGERS? Second, now they're using LIT CANDLES?And third, WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY.

Taken during the .01 second when teacups weren't flying EVERYWHERE.

It is during this portion that I realize Miss J has been calling Alexandria "Alexandra" this entire season. Classic!

Then the girls go out to eat in the outdoor market. They're served goat faces, brains, and eyeballs, and GUESS WHAT. They ALL try it! Never in my life could I have imagined that any contestant on ANTM would try crazy-meat, forget about ALL of them! To borrow from Sam Eagle, it's times like these I am proud to be an American.

Except Brittani gets sick from the goat brains and is pretty sure she's going to die before her photoshoot. Which, of course, goes swimmingly anyway. Molly also has a great photoshoot - hundreds of Moroccans gather 'round to watch the Great Blonde Wonder hug a carriage in a variety of ways. Then it turns out what Molly is doing is actually a sort of marriage ritual, and now she's married to everyone present. Weird!

At Eliminationsies things are oddly subdued. Everyone is altogether too aware of the end of the cycle, including me. So we leave it to Natural Swagzandria to tell us what she thinks her photoshoot was about: she thinks she was Aladdin, or a princess disguised as a "boy princess." None of the judges agree with her, which is funny because her thinking of herself as Aladdin makes no difference to the outcome of the photograph. The judges don't have to correct her on that; they just want to.

The Boy Princess

The judges seem to love Brittani's photo, but Tyra thinks that it's not high fashion yet. I'm not sure whose pictures she's been looking at, but this is Brittani we're talking about here, so trust me, Tyra, she's fine.

The Lady Gaga One-Eyed Pose

Hannah is convinced she took a bad picture, but her final shot ends up looking amazing. The judges think she looks "Bond girlish." If I could get just one leg that looked like that, I would gladly wear donuts on my head.

Donut-Head Galore

And finally, Molly's photo gives every judge conniptions. They want a face-on, they get a face-on. They want a pretty picture, they get one. But it's funny the way Molly's real life stink-face always comes through in her pictures.

Stink Face FTW

After deliberation, the judges declare that Molly and Brittani shall go on to the penultimate round of ANTM Cycle XVI! Hannah and Natural Swag await Tyra's decision, and boy are they nervous. They are two blondes in the fashion biz, and they've got a lot going for them. Who knows who could be more successful in the long run? The choice is difficult BUT NOT THAT DIFFICULT BECAUSE IT LOOKS LIKE SWAGXANDRIA IS OUT!

HERE'S TO YOUR DEPARTURE, NATURAL FART!

Photos courtesy CWtv.com

Baby Names That Were More Popular Than Mine Last Year

According to a recent list from the Social Security Administration, only 2250 American girls were given the name "Rebecca" last year, which makes sense because of Stephenie Meyer's unfortunate last-minute decision to name her heroine "Bella" instead of "Tha Bexter." But what doesn't make sense is how the following names ever trumped "Rebecca" in a popularity race:

• Serenity
• Genesis
• Autumn
• Rylee
• Trinity
• Destiny
• Makayla
• Nevaeh
• London
• Brooklyn
• Sydney
• Khloe
• Reagan
• Kennedy
• Addison (a boy's name!!!!!! I know because I know one person named this and he's a boy!!!)
• and last but not least, Sophia - aka Estelle Getty's character on Golden Girls.

Young moms of 2010, you are weird.

I, on the other hand, shall be one of the maybe-in-another-decade moms, and my children shall go by Titian, Donatello, and Galileo. Hahahahahahah oh man, their nicknames! I just saw that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! hahahahahahah

Celebrities You Didn't Know Were Married

Surprising celebrity marriages: you may already know about a few of them, you may not care about them, or you may not have even realized they could get married like everyone else. Luckily for us, legislation was passed in 1987 allowing Bruce Willis to marry Demi Moore. And thus, a thousand celebrities ran out and married a thousand other celebrities, and soon their babies will be of age to take control of the planet. And I, for one, welcome our new celebaby overlords!

CELEBRITIES YOU DIDN'T KNOW WERE MARRIED!

Anna Faris & Chris Pratt

I found out about this union a few weeks ago in a NYmag interview with Pratt. Who knew either one was married at all? Who knew two perfectly goofy blondes could find each other? Who knew there was any hope left in this cold, hard world?!

Christina Hendricks & Geoffrey Arend (a.k.a. The Snozzberries Guy)

Top Chef Masters alerted me to this couple's existence. We all knew Joan Holloway was married to some guy in real life, but we didn't realize it was "the snozzberries taste like snozzberries!" guy from Super Troopers. I love the idea that Christina Hendricks looks into this face every morning and every night and sighs at how handsome she finds him. He's like one of 10,000 possible anti-Roger Sterlings.

Zooey Deschanel & Ben Gibbard

Ben Gibbard cornered the indie music scene for a substantial amount of time, and Zooey Deschanel cornered the cute-marrying-actress scene for just as long. So they got married!!!!!!!!!! 

The Main Characters from Step Up

Channing Tatum and Jenna Dewan: Stepping Up...to the ALTAR?! That would have been a good tabloid headline.

Nick Offerman & Megan Mullally

I often wonder if these two were married during Will & Grace. Did Nick ever get tired of the cast's razzle-dazzle antics? Does Megan keep him stocked knee-deep in I Can't Believe It's Not Butter? And when is the next time she's guest starring on Parks & Rec? Probably they need to let that storyline air out for a bit.

PT Anderson & Maya Rudolph

This is another couple for whom I have infinity questions. Where did they meet? Are any of PT's characters influenced by Maya? Does PT ever laugh? Is Maya really serious now? When they have conversations, do they last at least 3.5 hours?


Bridget Fonda & Danny Elfman

Danny Elfman is a musical genius who composed several of the scores we hear everyday on tv and in movies. Bridget Fonda must have gone up to him and been like "Hey, ever heard of me? Because I've heard of you. Let's do this. Here are the rings, I already got them."

Jay Mohr & Nikki Cox

Do you remember an old WB show called Unhappily Ever After? Since it aired from the time I was 10 to the time I was 14 and since Bobcat Goldthwait provided the voice of Mr. Floppy, the bunny doll, I OBVIOUSLY DO. Do you remember that the guy from Entourage and the older brother from Malcolm in the Middle were on the show as Nikki Cox's brothers? That's really what I'm getting at: do you remember Nikki Cox? Jay Mohr did, and that's why he recreated the entire plot of Picture Perfect in order to woo and propose to her. And it worked!

Emily Mortimer & Alessandro Nivola

Emily Mortimer played a woman with bird bones in 30 Rock, and Alessandro Nivola played a man with a wacky family in Junebug. Now they are married to junebugs and living by a rock together with 30 birds and bone-families.

Kristen Bell & Dax Shepard (indefinitely engaged)

I feel like someone tells me these two are dating like, every six weeks. And I always forget. Although Dax and Kristen are not yet married, they are solidly engaged, and I think that makes them perfect for this list. WHO KNEW?!?!

Lara Stone & David Walliams

Something amazing happened. Half of the hilarious duo Little Britain met the most famous model in the world, and they hit it off. If I had realized at the time that they were getting married, I would have written a zombie story about that wedding. AKA a huge deal!!

And finally,

John Lutz & Sue Galloway

John Lutz, I'll love you 'til the day I die, but for now, may you be happy in your comedic union of souls.

Gossip Girl Recap "The Princesses & The Frog"

Or, "Rich Kids & What's Been Going On With Them for the Past Three Weeks, Like for Instance Did They Know About the Royal Wedding or Osama bin Laden?"

The Upper East Side has had a ridiculous few weeks: Blair and Dan (Humpdorf) very nearly opened a hellmouth by kissing each other. Lily's under house arrest. Serena's hiding her cleavage for some reason. And last but always least, Vanessa is skulking around bookstores dressed like Depressed Navajo Cyndi Lauper, looking for more ways to ruin things. Oh, AND THERE'S A NEW COUSIN!!

One Pair of Matching Bookends, Different as Night & Day (Identical Cousins!)

• A few weeks ago, we met Serena's country-mouse cousin Charlie when she ran away from suburbia to seek family fortune. Serena immediately falls in love with her, and they go shopping FOREVER. With cousins, sometimes things just fall right into place. Things like going shopping!!!
• Charlie's staying on the UES despite her mother's return to I don't know, Florida or something. Now officially a resident, Charlie is the newest member of the gang.  I'm honestly shocked that they don't ship her down to the loft immediately and be like "We prefer...a buffer system for new people. You understand."
• HOWEVER, during last night's episode, things got spicy: Vanessa creeps up on Charlie at a bookstore, but only to let her know that (a) she CAN and (b) she wants Dan not to end up with Blair, who stars as Satan in Vanessa's Inferno every night in her dreams. Charlie's like "Ok, I'm glad we're such fast friends!" but then does one of those weird Gossip Girl things where she sets up a very fancy party but it's socially WRONG but it's ok that she's humiliated because it was all just a scheme to get Dan. You know, just one of those weird things.
• And so Charlie pursues Dan like crazy, even though she knows from experience that Serena doesn't like other people dating him. Nevertheless, Charlie goes all out, quoting an African click language during afternoon coffee with him. Next thing you know she'll be suggesting kissing practice and a Godard triple-feature. He's a man of worldly tastes, after all.
• I guess this whole Charlie thing is going in one of two potential directions: Either she's a new bad guy that will have to be taken down by the gang in an awkward intra-family ploy, OR she's a new only-mean-to-Vanessa bad guy who will dole out the justice Barbie Dreds so deserves. As in, Vanessa may have thought Blair was bad, but at least Blair has other things to focus on besides systematically dismantling her life. Welcome, Charlie!

Prince Louis Grimaldi of Monaco, Fake Grandson of Grace Kelly

• The Humpdorf Kiss laid down a few new truths: Blair doesn't like Dan at all, but maybe Dan likes her. The good news is that it truly doesn't matter who Dan likes - that never affects anything about the show. So we're in the clear!
• Blair thinks she might want Chuck instead, but since he's falling apart about Raina's mom's fire-murder, he's back to his old coke 'n' Dewars breakfast routine. Not a good match for American royalty such as Blair, at least not in public.
• And so there is no one left but Prince Louis, who has patiently waited 7 months for this opportunity to give Blair back the shoe she left behind at the Louvre. BUT OH NO, WAIT. His mom, Princess Sophie, does not approve of Blair's Fat American Indiscretions. It seems some leggy blonde has sent her print-outs of Gossip Girl's blog archives. Blast! (literally, like a GG blast)
  
• Not to mention, Chuck basically drunk-drives himself through the cocktail party where Blair has one opportunity to impress Princess Sophie. Sloppy Chuck, what are you doing here? I thought we left you on the roof right after your dad died and you did a tap dance up there on the ledge.
• This cocktail party, by the way, smacks of Blair and Chuck's favorite scheme: Invite a lower-class potential threat to a very fancy party and watch as the humiliation unfolds! Is someone playing this trick on Blair? Is Serena actually a complete mastermind of Blair psychology? Is this what happens when she covers up her decolletage for a few weeks in a row? Serena, your brains are showing!
• All chances ruined, Blair has no hope of becoming Princess of Monaco. But Louis proposes anyway and (it seems) is prepared to abdicate the throne...for a girl he's known for 5 days, the first 2 of which were particularly bitchy. IF YOU INSIST, PRINCE!

Chuck Noir, as done by Andrew McCarthy

• Wikipedia tells me that Andrew McCarthy, Jonathan Switcher HIMSELF, directed this episode. This is worth knowing because last night's Chuck plotline got a full-on Dutch Angle treatment. Chuck's life is now a hopelessly stark film noir, and he'll punch out windows to prove it. Slash do a lot more coke.
• He's trying to cover up the fact that it looks more and more likely that Bart Bass killed Raina's mother decades ago. There are a few things he's not considering: (a) no one cares anymore about what happened in Bart Bass's life, (b) no one assumes Chuck had anything to do with it anyways and (c) this makes it seem like Chuck actually cares what Raina thinks about anything. What would she do if she found out, bring him up on his father's criminal charges? Tell Nate to stop hanging out with him? Kill him? I think, in a way, Chuck wants all these things anyway.
• But that doesn't stop him from putting his fist through a VERY expensive window and accidentally cutting Blair's face with a teensy $1,000 shard of glass. Yes, cutting up Blair's face with glass seems like a much more reasonable option than revealing the totally inconsequential truth about Raina's mother's purported death. Business school be damned! Chuck never needed you! He's smart enough on his own!

Miscellany Delaney

• Maybe Fleur Delacour should come back from Paris and marry Prince Louis! Josh's friend Sarah brought that up and I think that could easily be the hugest stroke of brilliance this show has ever had. I will be waiting for that in the finale.
• Dan trying to let Charlie down easy is hilarious - he's clearly proud of his new allure, but he's also tripping over ottomans left and right just to escape the apartment before she arrives. "Study group!" he says with a plastered-on smile and terrified eyes as he somersaults over Eric. "It'll be ok!"
• While under house arrest, Lily finds that all her society friends are (not-so) secretly laughing at her. It's just like high school, but instead of arranging a multi-part take-down of Nate's bitchy mom, Lily just kicks everyone out of her house. Even the breast cancer fundraisers. "GET OUTTTTTTTTT," she bellows from behind the cops. Ah, to be middle-aged and fancy!

It looks like there are two more episodes left in the season. Let us hope that Blair's face heals, that Lily's ankle monitor breaks, that Charlie's plan works, that Rufus's band breaks up, that Chuck kills Raina in a fit of repetition, and that Vanessa gets trapped in her inferno forever.

ANTM Recap "Franca Sozzani"

Molly smiling with a monkey on her head: proof that she can do this thing.

In honor of the models' first day in Morocco, Franca Sozzani visited ANTM this week. The fiery-yet-leathery editor-in-chief of Vogue Italia split her eyesight between mostly-blonde models and all-blonde camels. She was not impressed. BUT NOW FOR A MUCH LONGER EXPLANATION OF WEDNESDAY NIGHT'S EPISODE!

As the girls arrive in Sunny Morocco, Alexandria of the Natural Swag explains that she's a chameleon. Then she sees a camel and screams in everyone's ear. A veritable Dr. Doolittle of the competition! Nearby, Molly realizes she must act more like Alexswagria in order to win the contest. It is easily the most chilling realization of Molly's life. She looks disgusted.

Fashion trivia: apparently YSL used to consider Marrakesh his "second home." Will come in handy one day.

We're at the point in the season where it's hard to determine who is going home simply based on how much of her personal life story we're shown. With only 5 girls left, they're all getting screen time. Brittani talks about how to kill and serve a snake when you're a roadside bartender. Kasia talks about having a hard time not fitting into Go-See clothes. Hannah talks a lot too, but I can't remember anything about it.

Andre Leon Talley tricks the girls into having tea with him on their new apartment roof, then sends them downstairs. When they alight and Molly finds out that she'll have to share a giant bed with two girls, she handles it very well without complaining at all. Hahaha, only joking. Obviously to Molly sharing a bed is like being asked to sleep in a mud pit. Cheer up, girlfriend!

Tyra Mail warns the girls they'll be dealing with humps tomorrow. Granted, humps are one of a camel's most recognizable features. But so is mega-spitting. Why can't we ever see a Tyra Mail that's like "Cover your eyes and mouth and face, girls, because you're about to get spat on!" Oh, that's why.

The girls arrive at the desert where Michael Woolley will be photographing them. Brittani goes first and immediately tries all kinds of new poses, like standing on the camel and avoiding its spit. Molly looks amazing as always, out-January-Jonesing January Jones with the greatest of ease. Then it's Alexandria's turn, and Michael Woolley HATES HER. It's not clear why, but he full-out hates her like he's been reading my blog or something. "I'll knock it out of the park!" she offers at the start of her shoot. "That's the absolute wrong illusion," he replies. "We're in a desert, not a baseball field." Eventually he gives up trying to explain anything to her and just mutters "Okay, whatever, let's just do this." Oh MAN Swagxanders, what did you DO?

Hannah goes last, and the photographer loves her almost as much as he hates Alexandria. She keeps pretending the camel is a mechanical bull, as though she rides them regularly at home. Woolley can't get enough of it.

Finally it's time for the girls to face the Elimination panel, which includes this season's ultimate judge, Franca Sozzani. And she HATES EVERYTHING. Maybe the photographer was actually Sozzani in disguise. Right off the bat, she hates Brittani's photo:

I don't think Tyra picked out the best frame, but come on, Franca. She's teetering on the very edge of camel-balance!

Next is Alexandria, whose picture I actually like for once:

She looks like she's just standing on a sidewalk or something, like she got photoshopped onto the top of a camel. Nobody else likes it, which is a pleasant surprise. Tyra lectures her about acting more professional - it turns out Michael Woolley gave Tyra a piece of his mind after the shoot. For once I have no idea what Alexandria did wrong.

Next comes Kasia, who felt fatter than she really was throughout her entire time in Marrakesh:

The whole thing is awkward. It's not just Kasia - every girl is frowning and furrowing her eyebrows in the pictures. It is a desert. The sun does probably get pretty bright.

Molly's photo might have come from her first frame or something like that. She's pretty good.

And finally, Hannah goes last:

 

Not great, not bad. Definitely not overthought, for once!

During deliberation, Tyra once again asks herself how each particular picture would hang in her "SALon." It has become one of her main criteria, and it is probably the most accurate judge of a photo you could ask for. Kasia and Natty Swag end up in the Bottom Two, and somehow Alexandria crawls out of this thing still intact. She writes a letter home to her father, Benny Medina, to complain about Michael Woolley and to have him spat on by camels. If Natty Swag knows her pops like she thinks she does, she's got this in the bag.

photos courtesy CWtv.com