13 November 2012

Great Drunken Meatballs Of Fire [Who Are Constantly Drunk]

Now I'm recapping a Jersey Shore episode only 2 1/2 weeks late.  Congratulations, Becky, on continuing your tradition of excellence and objectivity. If I'm too sleepy to write this, it's because I miss you? Wake up and get to writing, Beck. GET CRAZY.

Mike wants to get the hell out of this relationship he's gotten himself into. Sammi reminds him that "it's only Day One," and Ron believes that "if you can get through rehab, you can get through this." That's true; technically Mike should be able to get through 28 days of ANYTHING that make him mildly uncomfortable. But ideally a new relationship wouldn't be as painful as detox.

Danny makes Deena wear a prison jumpsuit at the Shore Store to remind her that she went to the drunk tank last week. He'll probably make her wear it when they get married, too. She, Ron, and Mike talk about Paula and how Mike wants to "spruce up" the "natural 8.2" that is his new property. But guess what! Paula breezes right in and makes that 8.2 look more like a PSYCHO.3! What's she doing visiting her boyfriend at work?! Psycho.3!!!!! Deena and Ron start placing bets on how long this relationship could possibly last. Then Paula walks out of earshot.

Now is where the episode gets great and happy and worth it. Vinny and Pauly want to play a prank on Deena, so they find three lovey-dovey framed photos of her and her boyfriend on her nightstand and replace them with identical photos of Vinny and Pauly. It's amazing. The pictures are perfect, and there's plenty of time for that "this is going to pay off so well" feeling to grow and grow. The boys almost don't make it in time, but they throw the new pictures into her room in just enough time to make Deena laugh. Now that's a great prank.

Deena and Ron have a Meatball Day, and she makes the foolish mistake of assuming he wants to hear about anything that has to do with her body. She tells him about crabs and wiping her butt, i.e. Normal Meatball Stuff, which inflames Ronnie's sense of propriety. Back at home he tells Sammi that he'll "kill [him]self if [Deena] keeps talking about herself." This sounds like he can't stand hearing I-statements from a woman, but in actuality he just can't stand words like "period" and "clitoris." Which is worse? I don't know. "I am physically sickened by your emotions" vs. "I am physically sickened by your anatomy." Either way, he must hold in his puke if he wants to go to Karma with the rest of the gang, including Snooki, who is TIRED of not going out.

Roger surprises Jwoww at the club with a few of her friends from Long Island. Neato, what is this, penance? I thought he didn't do anything wrong. Luckily Roger doesn't appear for the rest of the episode, so I won't dwell on it. But wow remember when he threw his girlfriend around by the neck?

Snooki tells Jionni that not only does she want to cook for him, she also wants him to be brutally honest about the food's quality. This is as close to genuine as their relationship communication is going to get, even though it's just shorthand for "I'm a nouveau Italian-American woman so I can't possibly cook, even though I should be able to, because of my mom's misunderstanding of the women's lib movement all those years ago. Reinforce that! Wahhhh!"

A pretty girl comes up to Mike and starts grinding on him immediately. He is extremely into it, but he throws in half-hearted "I don't know what's happening" shrugs to the camera every few minutes to save his butt. Remember, it was just last night that he tore that shirt open for Paula. But now he's falling in love with another girl, or at least his penis is.

A huge dude comes up to Mike right away and says he's a friend of Paula's. He's not threatening him or anything, but just so he knows, Paula is someone he does NOT want to screw over. Paula's best friend is also there, and she's seen everything. Miraculously no one tells Paula about Mike's misdeeds. Miraculously Paula never watches MTV. Miraculously Mike never does anything questionable ever again. He's fully gotten away with it!

Ron waits until everyone's in the taxi on the way home to tell Deena that he's uncomfortable with her "talking about herself." It doesn't quite compute until she's at home and thinking about the fantastic Meatball Day she just had with him. When she gets upset, Ronnie asks "why are you so sensitive?" and tells her not to "be grumpy." "Why are you grumpy??" asks Jwoww.

It is much better for a guidette to hide her emotions if she's thinking about turning into a bitch. And it is much better for a guidette to stop feeling at all than to hide her emotions if that's just going to make her a passive-agressive bitch. And it is much better for a guidette to dope herself up with pills or perhaps BOOZE if she's thinking about reacting to any stimuli at all in her immediate vicinity. Deena might want to go home.

The next day, MVP goes to lunch and discusses whether you can "grind up on chicks when you have a girlfriend" until they look up and notice THE STALKER. This isn't the Italian-Jew, nor is it Taran Killam - it's the girl with heavy eyeliner, big front teeth, and nothing to lose. She doesn't do anything but stare at each of them right in the eye, such that if they glance at her they're sure to make direct eye contact. She's pretty good at this. She also looks like she might have some sort of disability, so I'm not sure that just because her face is on tv, she can necessarily give consent. Let's not make as much fun of her as MVP does.

Snooki tries to cook and pull off an I Love Lucy scenelet at the same time. Since garlic is a mainstay of Italian cuisine, she assumes she should cook it first, which is a horrible idea because it burns within a minute and nothing else cooks that fast. Especially when the stove is set to high. So the kitchen fills with smoke and Snickers calls her dad to find out how to cook real quick. "Dad, my place is like, burning down right now," she jokes, half-panicking. "WHAT?!?!" he shouts, as she runs to the kitchen and leaves the phone behind. Then she asks for cooking directions and hangs up on him. When she presents it to Jionni later on, I'm honestly shocked it isn't 3 charcoal briquettes.

During another Meatball Day, Sammie and Ronnie decide to go back home while Deena opts to stay out. She drinks and smokes with strangers as Sam fields a call from her VERY angry mother. "She's not drunk-havin'-fun, is she Sam?" Sam says "uh" literally 30 times. "I'm a little upset heah, Sam!!" Eventually Deena gets home and calls her back, and for a while it looks like Deena's mom is coming to pick her up.

Then the whole thing devolves into Ronnie telling Deena she's upset over nothing and Deena insisting that she's upset for a good reason. Besides being drunk. This poor kid can't exist here without numbing herself, and even though she does it the way everyone else does (besides Sitch and Snooki), she's still getting called on doing it wrong. When Ronnie gets drunk he verbally abuses Sam. When Roger gets drunk he throws Jenni around by the neck. Nobody's telling them they're upset over nothing. I guess that's one more rule to the Jersey Shore guidebook: if Deena's doing it, she's upset over nothing and probably wrong.

photos courtesy mtv.com

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