Last night's Jersey Shore, "Make It Unofficial," is the unspoken companion piece to the earlier episode, "Let's Make It Official." Why they left off the "Let's" is above my level of comprehension. Is it because it's no longer an "us" decision? Is it because The Situation systematically drops words when they're more emotionally difficult to say? Is it because no one in production cares about parallelism? Definitely, sounds right, and most likely. GET CRAZY!
At the Shore Store, Ronnie and Danny pull a Meatball and don sideways caps while sidling out of the store to go drink. It makes perfect sense, as Ronnie is a Male Meatball and Danny is courting a Female one. They get out just before a storm hits, and it all feels a little too similar to the recent hurricane. By the way, MTV finally added a Hurricane Sandy donation link to its website: Restore the Shore!
Back at home, Mike jumps on the [duck] horn with his sister to discuss Paula. "I just want a very hot-looking girly girl," he explains. She guides him through a few breakup tactics. Mike's so pleased, he gushes about how much he wants to be with a girl like his mother or sister. Yikes, Mike, yikes. Is the brain damage back? Or is this just unadulterated guido?
MVP go out to the boardwalk and start telling the ladies that Mike's newly single. Technically he's not, but it doesn't matter. To Pauly D, the kid's been single this whole time. It's just a shame that everyone knows everyone in Seaside because this will all definitely get back to Paula. Very sadly, this gem never makes it back to her: "All of a sudden you get the title and you fuck it up!" says Mike, re: winning the Situational Championship. Man, Paula, you really blew it.
At this point, the episode should rightly be called "GTB: Gym, Tan, Break Up with Paula." Once it gets said, it never gets dropped. Ronnie makes a GTB shirt. Pauly has Vinny make a "Let's Make It Unofficial" tank top. Everyone says "GTB" in myriad tiny whispers until it blends into the background noise. GTB GTB GTB GTB GTB GTB GTB GTB GTB GTB GTB GTB GTB GTB GTB
Snooki and Jwoww have a heart-to-heart that covers several topics: inviting Vinny to the wedding (pending a talk with Jionni), inviting Sitch to the wedding (NO DEFINITELY NOT NO WAY), not wanting to be a pregnant buzzkill to everyone (even though Deena would give her left buttcheek just to hang out with her and her buzzkill vibe for ONE PRECIOUS SECOND), and figuring out how to spell "hors d'oeuvre." I personally believe that no one should have to know how to spell hors d'oeuvre, unless you're a high-end caterer, in which case you know who you are and you should've brought me my pigs in croissant blankets by now. I have been waiting for too long already.
Jwoww goes behind Snooki's back and plans a surprise "Shore Shower." She encourages Vinny to "settle the air" (almost, Jen) with Jionni so that everything can be at peace when her godson is born. It looks like Jwoww is solving the whole damn Shore Tangle until Paula calls Mike and asks why every single person she works with is telling her they've broken up. Somehow he dodges the question. "Do you want me to come visit you at work or not?" gaslights Mike. It's either her fault for not letting her boyfriend visit or it's her fault for inviting her boyfriend to break up with her. Either way, she has it coming.
At the Shore Store, Ronnie notices that Jionni's never around. He's appalled at Jionni's not wanting to "be pregnant with your girlfriend" and insists that he'd "be pregnant" with Sammi if she were with child. Jwoww says that Roger would "be pregnant" with her, but I don't think she realizes that his version would be "Rub my feet, honey, they're sore" and "God I just want to eat everything and I don't want to hear what you think about it!!!"
At this point it's clear from all the GTB GTB GTB that it's only one letter away from LGBT. Gym, Trans, Bisexuale!
While Snooki takes a balloon penguin out for a walk on the boardwalk, all the other roommates accompany Mike to Simply Sun. They've figured out that he should definitely tan before breaking up with Paula - otherwise he might not get to tan. Pauly D and Vinny snuggle up in the lobby and declare themselves the Waldorf & Statler of the "movie." Sick of previews, they're ready for action. Mike waddles out to the front desk (after removing his tan-goggles and putting his crumpled clothing back on) and tells Paula he wants to go back to the way things were. She tells him she doesn't want to get fucked over, so they kiss on the lips and hug. "You're fair game now," she says. I don't understand.
That is, until they are followed into the parking lot by a huge tanning booth careening out of the Simply Sun window.
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