09 November 2012

"Let's Make It Official": The Jersey Shore Sucks

First things first, my thoughts are with Seaside Heights, NJ (more than normal) after Hurricane Sandy's destruction. I found a NJ Relief website, and you should click through to see a video of the way the boardwalk looks now. Surprisingly, MTV's website doesn't seem to have any links for donating. I'd say the safest bet is Occupy Sandy's wedding registry, which sends much-needed items to people in affected areas who can use them (here's the NJ one). 

Now onto the important things: recapping a 3-week old episode of Jersey Shore.

Last time on Jersey Shore, Deena got carted away to the drunk tank. Ron knows what that's like: "When in Rome, keep on rollin [possibly roamin'?]; when in Seaside, keep on drinkin!" He offers to go sit in the drunk tank with Deena, but Sam can't lose both her meatballs. That's it, that's the missing piece: Ronnie has secretly been a meatball this whole time. Hiding in his meat gravy in broad daylight. That's why all the drinking, that's why all the fighting with Sam. Remember when the Meatballs fought with Sam? Can you even IMAGINE what Snooki would be like as a guy? Yep, because she'd be Ronnie.

MVP go to a sporting goods store ("watch guidos shop for sports equipment" is clearly leftover from the brainstorming whiteboard from season 1), and Mike picks up a rugged stroller for Snooki. He tries to arrange it as a surprise for her on the roof, but since he fucked her over so thoroughly last year, she refuses to go up to see it. Later on at dinner, once he knows she's seen it, he prompts her to thank him. A remarkably kind gesture from The Situation Sorrentino.

PS Deena's parents know about the drunk tank and they're PISSED.

Jwoww refuses to use her crutch properly, which turns out to be fine because her doctor's second opinion is that the foot isn't broken anyway. She and Snooki go to a geriatric supply store and buy Rascals. Now the show is just about stores the gang goes to and what extravagant items they buy there. I guess if nobody's drinking and nobody's falling face-first on the pier, this is what's left. Using their fortunes to buy diamond-encrusted wheelchairs.

Mike goes to the Shore Store and buys a tank top. It's an extravagant tank top, of course, due to its iron-on message: "LET'S MAKE IT OFFICIAL." He wants to make an honest woman out of Paula, not so much by marrying her but by finally admitting that they've been dating for four years. The guidos use so much marriage language for it (see: "get wifed up"), it's hard to understand exactly what Mike plans to do, especially considering he invites the entire cast of Jersey Shore to come to the restaurant where he's proposing[?]. I think the guidos are playing a trick on us. In the meantime, Danny plays a real trick on Mike and irons-on "I LIKE MEN" to the back of the tank top.

So the gang accompanies Mike to his destiny and sits at a separate table that offers a clear view of Mike and Paula's personal booth. They got a personal booth, you see, because date-proposing is the kind of thing that's better when it's just between two people. Which is why it was extremely odd that he invited all his roommates to the restaurant in the first place.

He whips off his shirt, actually, scratch that - he slowly and seductively unbuttons his shirt so that Paula can read what her destiny will be. It's all scrunched up, which means Paula takes an extra minute to read it, which means Ron-Ron gets to do 5 minutes of seated stand up about how she must not be able to read. Vinny agrees and adds that they're both dipshits.

One breath after the tank-top proposal, Paula blasts off into space in a rocket made of a house, a puppy, some kids, and a church-wedding. Mike tries to send out "chill, girl!" vibes, but she just keeps barreling on, now explaining her ovulation schedule. "I'm hearin' things I've never seen before," says Mike. Almost, Mike! He's too skittish to take Paula to the Smush Room that night. "It's like 3 summers of cheese pizza," he explains to his boxing coach the next day. "Now here's pepperoni?"

Jwoww forgets that Roger THREW HER BY THE NECK and calls him up to make sure they're still dating. It's the same duckphone conversation as always - "I'm sorry I got in your business" "BABE YOU CAN'T GET IN MY BUSINESS" "You're right, just like always" "BABE I'M NOT A CHILD AND I REFUSE TO BE TREATED LIKE ONE!!!!!!!" "You are always right" "Shut up babe my mom says the pizza rolls are ready."

Ron and Sam reminisce about the room wreckage and face punches they've been through. Looks like they made it, I guess, in that Barry Manilow way where that song is actually about breaking up. Here are the lyrics for your infotainment:
There you are, lookin' just the same as you did last time I touched you.
And here I am, close to gettin tangled up inside the thought of you.

Do you love him as much as I love her?
And will that love be strong when old feelings start to stir?

Looks like we made it
Left each other on the way to another love
Looks like we made it
Or I thought so, till today
Until you were there everywhere
And all I could taste was love
The way we made it

Loves so strange, playin hide and seek, with hearts and always hurtin
And we're the fools standin close enough to touch those burnin memories

And if I hold you for the sake of all those times
Love made us lose our minds - could I ever let you go?

Oh, no...we made it
Left each other on the way to another love
Looks like we made it
Or I thought so, till today
Until you were there, everywhere
And all I could taste was love
The way we made it
This marks the halfway point of the final season of Jersey Shore. Thanks to one million nights of double-episodes, I haven't been on time for a single recap. Think of me as Deena in the drunk tank - willing but unable to party when it's appropriate. 

photos courtesy mtv.com

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