26 November 2012

When The [Walking] Dead Come Knocking

When the dead come knocking
Out from the sweet night,
Your doorways need blocking;
Snuff out your light.

For zombies always try
To get in when, tho they're lazy.
So get ready to die.
Before then GET CRAZY.
                                              -Lord Byrains

Merle's been feeling motivated lately. He wants to find his brother Daryl, so he's been forming hunting gangs and taking detours into red zones and killing curly-haired people willy-nilly. Now he's got Glenn in an interrogation room. This does not bode well for our favorite car thief.

Michonne hobbles around the front of the prison, sort of killing walkers and sort of giving up. Eventually Rick and Carl get tired of watching and rescue her with their two-man dream-team zombie-killing abilities. It's ridiculous how much better it is to see your protagonists be good at something than bad at it. Carl goes over and grabs the formula basket before anyone even tells him to. Good Carl!

I think this is the first time Rick's group has taken in an outsider without committing murder. Besides zombie murder, of course. Hershel stitches up Michonne's leg as she fills in the gaps of how she got there and where Glenn and Maggie are. All of this useful information is interrupted by a hugely long Welcome Back Carol party wherein Carol touches everyone's chests for five hours each. I just wish this stuff wouldn't happen.

Michonne is up and walking on that leg faster than Hershel learned to hop around on one foot. This prison yard must've been filled in with dirt from The Island from Lost. How can everyone heal so quickly? Is it that they're lighter people now that they've been starving for a while, so it's no big deal to stand upright on an injured leg? Or is it sheer determination?

Rick, Daryl, Michonne, and Oscar decide to waste no time heading over to Woodbury. Before they go, Carl asks Rick to name the new baby after his 3rd grade teacher, Mrs. Mueller. He never explains his interest in the name (Judith), but I'm willing to guess that Mrs. Mueller had boobs. Not the baby Mrs. Mueller; the teacher Mrs. Mueller.

While Merle pummels Glenn into a bloody mess, the Governor shows Andrea the Zombie Lab. Milton Mamet, scientist extraordinaire, prepares an ultra-scientific experiment: sit next to an old Peter O'Toole character named Mr. Coleman (Goldman?) and watch him while he dies. Part two of the experiment is to sound a Tibetan singing bowl while some old creepy record from the 1930s plays in the background. Part three is to wait patiently for Mr. Goldman (Coleman?) to wake up as a zombie and then do it all again! Andrea's new lab assistant job is to kill Zombie Coldman once it's all finished.

Caveat: Milton the Scientist has never seen a zombie turn before, nor does he understand how putting his face close to a zombie's mouth might make the zombie BITE HIS FACE. Where has Milton been for these past 9 months or so? Is he originally from Woodbury and he just stayed put? It's understandable that he hasn't witnessed the moment a human corpse reanimates, but it's ridiculous that he's trying to (a) remove the restraints from a hungry zombie and (b) jump the rails of his own experiment like this. What must his lab report say? Unsatisfactory.

Merle gets tired of maiming Glenn by hand, so he locks a zombie in the room with him. Glenn uses nothing but a box spring, some duct tape, a wooden chair, and sheer adrenaline to kill it. And did I mention the chair is attached to him with the duct tape? He should be dead!! In the next room over, the Governor makes Maggie go topless. Woodbury is a very bad place.

So it's a good thing Rick's group is sneaking into Woodbury to destroy it. On the way, they encounter one zombie, who turns into two zombies, who turn into a whole lot of zombies. This must be the red zone Merle was talking about last week, still riddled with pockets of zombies from the herd that came through. The gang runs into a farmhouse and several confusing things happen: they find a fresh dog corpse on the rug and a sleeping hermit man in the bed. First of all, as my roommate Zachlers pointed out, why didn't they get someone famous to cameo as the hermit? That could've been Kelsey Grammer in that bed! Second, if this non-famous hermit has stayed alive this long, why does he start yelling at the intruders? Shouldn't he know sound attracts zombies and that there are zombie pockets everywhere, even if he's been taken by surprise and doesn't happen to know that there are zombies clawing at his door? (He should still be able to discern that, though, but whatever.) Third, why does he keep his dog's corpse in the living room, stinking up the place? Has he been asleep for 100 years? Is that why his dog is dead and he has no idea what zombies are or how to act in a post-apocalyptic hostage situation? 

There are too many questions, so Michonne stabs the hermit. It's better this way. They shove him out the front door to distract the zombies that have collected. Then they sneak around the back.

The Governor brings Topless Maggie into Glenn's cell. He points a gun at Glenn, which makes old No-Shirt blurt out that their group is holing up in the prison. Torture is awful. All that physical pain and mental anguish endured for nothing. I'm also pretty sure Maggie isn't fully out of the might-still-get-raped woods. This is pretty bad.

Thank God Rick's gang is already outside of Woodbury. Next week is the midseason night's dream finale, and I'm expecting those fireworks that last week's episode carted out. I want Merle to steal Carol from Daryl. I want Maggie to be wearing Glenn's shirt. I want Baby Mrs. Mueller to get even more formula. I want Carl to kill Merle or the Governor. I want Andrea to fall in love with T-Dog posthumously. I want Lori to be a zombie after all so we can watch someone bash her brains in. I want a good, clean fight. That's all I want.

photos from amctv.com

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